While straightening up a bit around here at ODNT, I came across an old draft of a post I abandoned last July. I neither have any idea why I started writing it nor, for that matter, why I stopped. But when I read it tonight, it made me laugh. Maybe because I’m just as dumb as I was last summer. Or maybe just ’cause it was a shitty day. Either way, please enjoy my late night ramblings. I assure you that, once you’re done, you’ll be no smarter for having read it.
* * * * * * * * * *
1. I shaved my underarm hair into a mohawk. On the right side only. I’m not very hairy so it didn’t even show. But it was itchy.
2. I had double pierced ears and decided that one of my ears needed a third hole. So I did it myself. With a needle and a cube of ice. On a ferry boat.
3. A friend and I wanted to embarrass a boy we knew so we sent in a request to Casey Kasem for Air Supply’s Every Woman in the World to Me. We sent it from him to us. And it was played. Man, were we cool.
4. I tried to sneak into Officer and a Gentleman but accidentally bolted into the wrong R-rated movie and got stuck seeing Scott Baio in Zapped instead. (Fun fact: Also in Zapped? Willie Aames.)
5. I impersonated Shirley Feenie with a friend dressed as Laverne and together we performed their theme song … moves and all … in front of my whole grade school.
6. My campaign slogan for 7th grade Vice President was a bastardization of a Rick Springfield song: “I’ll do everything for you … if you vote for me.” I lost.
7. I got a concussion in high school because I hit my head on the tampon machine in the girl’s bathroom. I am not in my yearbook that year because of this injury.
8. A friend and I heard Lee press-on nails couldn’t catch on fire so we put that theory to the test. While wearing them.
9. I made a sculpture out of meat with a friend and left it anonymously on a teacher’s portable classroom stairs.
10. I impersonated Mick Jagger and lipsynched to Satisfaction with an American flag tied around my neck for roughly three thousand people.
11. The first time I tried shaving, I dried shaved the entirety of my arms and legs with a disposable razor.
12. I once painted all of my fingernails and lips with Liquid Paper.
13. I attempted to convince my mom that I didn’t cheat on my Science test even though she was holding my cheat sheet in her hand. Then I fainted during my closing argument.
14. I saw a scene in Gone with the Wind where Scarlett gargled with perfume so I tried it. Don’t ever try it.
15. I had a shiny pink satin jacket with purple trim that said Roller Disco in raised rock glitter across the back.
16. I had semi-professional recordings made of myself singing Old Time Rock ‘n’ Roll, You Needed Me and Sister Golden Hair as a kid.
17. I attended speech therapy for my Cindy Brady lisp.
18. Because of #17, I had something called a “tongue cage” affixed on the inside of my bottom teeth that required neck-gear when I slept.
19. I snuck and slept on the floor of my parents’ room every time I saw a horror movie through the end of high school.
20. I attended sleep-away guitar camp. Two years in a row. And, yes, I have seen American Pie.
* * * * * * * * * *
An oldie but a goodie by my girl from last year’s If Nerds Could Be Superheroes. It just seemed fitting.
OldDogNewTits 
You’re awesome! I envy you the courage it must’ve taken for #10..
A friend who shall remain nameless got mad at the kotex machine at work for taking her quarter. When she hit it, it fell off the wall and cut her arm bad enough to go to the hospital. “And how did this happen, ma’am?
Michele, you make me smile and even laugh out loud (a real feat). I can not thank you enough for that! 😀
An excellent list of facts that are being collated to use for future blackmail attempts.
One note in the picture – only $99.99? BARGAIN!!!
I remember calling the radio stations to request songs. Thanks for sharing your list, it gave me a good laugh this morning
I laughed WITH you (you’re laughing, right), but gargling w/ perfume is hilarious!
This is an impressive list. I had to wear head gear…during the day…to school…in 6th grade. You know, cause you’re not awkward enough at that stage.
God. What a NERD!
Nerds in glass houses shouldn’t throw pocket protectors. 🙂
Michele,
These are brilliant! I once dry shaved both of my lower legs and knees! I was late for the beach you see! Who would ever notice? Except the entire beach of course! After my 80’s era application of baby oil brought out the shave burn bumps which enhanced my random patches of unshaven leg hair! I was HOT!!!
I love the nerd in you. Thank you for sharing. You make me want to make my own list…
Do it!
I have no idea where to begin or end.
Speaking of unfinished assignments, I am not sure any of us completed the last ‘choose your adventure’!
I’d love to see the pink roller disco jacket. I bet you rocked it!
The design on the back was raised enough that you could’ve cut yourself on the sharp chunks of glitter. Honestly, … they were like rock salt.
Sooo, you fake fainted, or you REALLY fainted? Either answer makes me crack up. Thanks for the laughs : )
Um, that would be a REAL faint. A faint of sheer terror, to be specific. I was not very convincing from that point on. But, on the plus side, I did elicit a little sympathy for my sudden health crisis.
Super Nerd! Hilarious! Sadly, I can relate to shaving my legs without any shaving cream. Then, I helped my cousin shave her legs which ended up all bloody. Yikes!!! Funny post!
YOu are definitely a super nerd. I think I spit out my coffee reading you shaved your pubic hair into a mohawk- LMAO!