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The Grievance Letter I Just HAD to Write at 11:24pm Tonight

Posted on February 28, 2013 | 19 comments

Dear Nickelodeon,

Re: Programming Department

My kids have been big fans of your work for years. And, if you promise not to tell, I’ll even admit that I love Drake & Josh and iCarly and (cough) can quote the characters as well as any kid out there. Lately, my daughter and I have been watching old episodes of Full House together. She watches it like it’s brand new and I watch it for the nostalgia. Yes, I know. That’s the whole point, right? Anyway, kudos on the decision to air a show my ten-year-old can watch (excitedly) in lieu of so much of the other reality trash being aired simultaneously on the competing networks. It’s a good feeling to know that I can pop in and out of the room when needed and she won’t be exposed to anything inappropriate.

Re: Advertising Department

Someone in your department needs to be fired. Or at least have his XBox privileges taken away for a week. Picture it … my ten-year-old daughter and I are curled up on the sofa enjoying the wholesome, 80s, Olsen-ness of Full House together. Then the show cuts to a series of commercials … running shoes, Flo from Progressive, Cox Communications … and then this one:

As soon as it began playing, my daughter screamed in fear and pulled the throw blanket over her head. While I was frantically grabbing for the remote trying to find the stupid mute button. And then, at the next break, it all aired AGAIN! Which prompts me to ask you two questions:

What the (BLEEP! See how easy censoring can be) were you thinking?!!?
May I have your department head’s home number so that I may call him/her at 2am tonight when my daughter wakes up traumatized by the terrifying images she saw on your network?

Re: My Reply from You

Please do not ignore my email. I am posting this entire letter on my blog (http://olddognewtits.com) and am sure that everyone who reads it will want to hear your explanation just as much as I do.

Anxiously awaiting your reply,