Tag Archives: Twitter

You can’t spell ‘Don’t’ without O-D-N-T


Today’s Weight … 122.0

Yes, it’s up. Nearly two pounds. The sad thing is that, had I only stopped chowing down on everything long enough to write a damned post lately, I could’ve logged my recent 119.7 weigh-in. But noooo! I have to report TODAY’S weight.  (eyes rolling)

Don’t get it? Check this post.


It came to my attention recently that simply rearranging the ‘call letters’ of this blog creates another entirely new word – Don’t. The word is usually restrictive, negative, even demanding … but I thought it could open the door to all kinds of hilarious hijinks, shenanigans and other dumbassery. So, here we go … the first-ever edition of ‘You Can’t Spell Don’t without O-D-N-T.


I don’t

… drink coffee. Ever. I mean, like maybe I’ll have it twice a year. When all the other cool kids are doing it. And, honestly, I feel kind of left out. Most of my friends suck it down by the barrel every day. Seems like a pretty acceptable vice. A benign enough addiction. Right?

Well, not in my case.

Last week, I exercised with a friend and went to have coffee with her afterwards. And, in a complete and utter shit-girls-say moment, I found myself turning to her when we walked up the counter and saying,“Um, what’s my coffee order, Vanessa?”  After all, I was there to taste her diet discovery.  I don’t know the first thing about ordering a pretentious, lengthy-named, fancy-ass coffee beverage.

And so she ordered for me. I heard mention about doubling up on something. I just nodded my head.  “Whatever you’re having,” I said like an idiot.  I didn’t realize we were already talking about a one-and-a-half-shot situation. Which meant doubling it translated to tripling the shot. Of espresso.

By the time it hit me, I was parking the car at the grocery store. Still completely unaware of what I had done to myself. And, as I felt my face heat up and my heart begin to race (“inexplicably”), I wondered if I was having a heart attack. Then, it dawned on me. And so, naturally, I began tweeting …

Dear Barista, You screwed up my coffee order. I said DECAF! Now, come help me down from this tree. I’m a freakin’ hummingbird.

Holy crap. Just learned my drink “accidentally” had THREE shots of espresso. Funny joke, friends. I could outrun the roadrunner.

I am so “Less Than Zero” right now.

At grocery. Cheese is talking. But not to me. Stupid cheese. Feel like I’m running but might be moving in slow motion. #accidentallydrugged

I think I feel my hair growing.

It’s bad when you can play doubles tennis by yourself, right? Should I call the hospital?

Don’t cut me off in traffic, dude. Today is the day I’ll “accidentally” beat you to death with a hairbrush.

This is a grocery bag. Not a damned parachute. Help!

Why is everyone speaking like they’re in super slo-mo?

I’m melting … melting …

CRASH!

Friends don’t let friends overcaffeinate their friends-who-don’t-drink-coffee’s drinks. #WorstPSAEver

It was a c-RA-zy afternoon. I felt energized, anxious and sick … all at the same time. The crash was hard, but necessary. And it was good to be myself again. I just wish I’d be home when it happened so I could’ve finally gotten my bathroom tiled. I could’ve knocked that shit out in fifteen minutes.

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Busy day of Mardi Gras parades, Superbowl parties & #footballforwomen


Today’s Weight … 121.3

“Losing weight during Mardi Gras season is going to be harder than I thought,” said me, with a mouth full of doughnut.

Don’t get it? Check this post.

I just dropped off my family and an entire truckload of crap at the float for their parade.  My daughter’s on the bottom level with a bunch of friends.  My son’s up top with one friend and a bunch of crazy-looking people I don’t know.  Among them is a tattooed lady in Harley Davidson assless (is that hyphenated?) chaps.  And she’s 72. (Shudder.)  Dave will be running up and down the ladder checking on both of the kids throughout the parade.  And I’ll be running behind the float trying to break my boy’s two-story fall with my body.

Well, that was my personal Facebook post today anyway.  (It’s a joke. And, yes, I know it was hiLARious!)

I will not really be chasing behind the float.  I will be at the end of the parade waiting with friends and family to see my little people on their inaugural float ride (read: rite of passage in these parts) and hoping to get their attention long enough for at least one blurry photograph. (Sniff.)

And we will be dashing straight from the parade (and its after-party) festivities to a Superbowl party.  Those of you who have been following along know I’m not a huge sports fan.  Of course, it would have been entirely different if the Saints were playing today. Sigh.

So, if you’re on Twitter and you’re sitting around today confused … or bored … or just seeking a laugh between plays, look for us on #footballforwomen.  It’s sort of like #shitgirlssay, football-style. And don’t be afraid to put in your (Kick it through the thing!! Kick it through the thing!! ) two cents.

Go … uh … team!

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Hello … AMC? Is anybody home? Please pick up.


I just realized it will be a week tomorrow since I first contacted AMC about the fact that … thanks to a deplorably-placed commercial spot that aired during The Polar Express the day after Christmas … my girl now knows all about Trojan’s latest personal product for women.  (Remember, everyone, if she asks … it’s a BACK MASSAGER!)  Unfortunately for AMC, they have disappointed me thus far by ignoring my email. So today, I sent the following second effort (see below) to the same customer service email address as well as an additional one I found for their adverting department.  And I further contacted them via Twitter to request information about where this type of correspondence should be directed.  Please feel free to copy and paste my letter into your own email and send it to AMC.  (If I hear back from them via my Twitter inquiry, I will share that email address asap.) And here’s hoping my first email, my second email or any of your emails will get us a response.

————————-

I sent the email below (click here to view) to AMC on December 31.  I have received no response and can only assume that it wasn’t routed correctly within your organization.  In fairness, I wanted to inform you that I write a blog about a variety of topics and this letter was the subject of my post on 12/31.  So, I’m not only waiting to hear from you but I’m also waiting to post your reply as there are others besides myself who are curious to learn how this little error could have happened.

Thanks for your time. I look forward to hearing from you soon.
Michele … blah, blah, blah

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Fun Facts about My Surgery Recuperation


If you lay around in bed and eat nothing but comfort food for weeks, you can in fact somehow lose weight.  Why have I been dieting and exercising all these years?

You shouldn’t address Christmas cards while on strong medication.  Or else some of your friends will get multiple holiday greetings and others will get none.

A Mylar balloon, if well cared for, can last well over two weeks in a good home.  I have received no compensation from balloonplanet.com, birthdayinabox.com or any other balloon purveyors for this endorsement.

Try as you might, even if you unsubscribe to every piece of electronic junk mail you receive, that crap will still follow you.  I guess there’s no escaping the Nigerian millionaire who needs my help in transferring his money or, you know, Lillian Vernon.

I’ve got at least twelve outfits that I can work without a bra.  True, some of them are pajamas, but still. Good to know.

When you haven’t worn make-up for weeks, any amount of it will make you feel like a drag queen.  Yes, I used that joke yesterday.  It’s funny ’cause it’s true.  So, I’m using it again, damn it!

I now have a bit of a phobia of high heels … for fear of a painful spill. It’s Mary Jane flats and (shudder) tennis shoes, all the time.  I must shed this fear before holiday parties.

I haven’t cooked a bite of food since November.  Seriously, there has been enough food delivered to my doorstep to feed an army.  Obviously, I have an amazing support system of friends. Oh, but my family is going to be SO disappointed when the dinner choice returns to El Paso taco kit or Hot Pockets.

The red, very alcohol-y body wash they give you as surgical prep also makes a great leg shaving lubricant.  Although its red pigmentation makes it hard to distinguish from blood and thus to determine if you’ve broken the skin with the razor. Which could be problematic, so it’s a good thing that the solution is “alcohol-y.”

The adhesive used on modern day surgical bandages should be used for brick-laying, dental repair or possibly even advanced rocket construction.  It’s been 14 days and I’m still sporting some of this gunk on my back.

That dry shampoo stuff our grandmothers talked about all this time really does work.  Alright, so I already knew that.  This stuff is great.  I’m gross and I’ve been using it for years!

When I first posted my good news (the benign verdict) on Twitter, I lost 6 followers within 60 seconds. I’m guessing the drama has gone out of my story???

The average rating for my post about my benign verdict was four out of five stars, meaning that some of you rated it three or less.  Okay, now you’re just being mean.

When you don’t do anything meaningful with your hands for two weeks, you realize that your nails have never looked more beautiful.  Of course, the second you’re upright again, they split, crack and fall off your fingertips in sad little shards of their former glory.  So, take pictures!

Sleeping begets more sleeping.  Honestly, if you don’t get your ass up eventually, you might as well commit yourself to a lifetime of taking all your meals and visitors in your bed.  Sure, that sounds good now, but I think most of you would eventually get bored. Most.

A purple pillow pet makes for an excellent coughing-and-protecting-your-gut apparatus.  They’re also excellent listeners and well-skilled in the ancient art of feng shui.  My remote control, Chapstick and Kleenex box have never been in greater harmony with the universe.  (Okay, NOW who’s being mean?)

When you’re confined to your bed, you don’t watch TV nearly as much as you’d think.  I would have expected that it’s all I would have done.  And yet, some days the set didn’t even go on. Pathetic. What was I thinking?!!?

Your cat doesn’t care that you’ve just had surgery and will treat you in the same crappy manner as always.  He thinks his ‘tough love’ method will work but I think it’s put a wall up between us that will be hard to break down.

Narcotic pain medication combined with surgery can wreak havoc on your digestive system, making for a very irregular lifestyle. Don’t you think that’s some information I would like to know???

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Three ways to keep up with ODNT … though I might fall off the radar for a few days this week


There are three ways to keep up with all things ODNT and they are all located in the far right column of this page.

(1) Find the box that says ‘OldDogNewTits on Facebook’ and click ‘Like.’  I manually update this page for new posts and there are sometimes comments and other things that get posted here that can’t be found elsewhere.

(2) Right below that is the Twitter box featuring recent tweets.  This forum can get colorful.  If you want in, click ‘Follow.’

(3) Scroll down more to find a box marked ‘Subscribe by Email!’to (duh!) subscribe to the blog via email and get automatic email notifications of all new posts.

And yes, of course, you can do all three. Those people are often served pie.

Also, I just love feedback.  Please feel free to comment, positively or negatively, on anything you read here. I’d love to open the door to a few more guests at the party.  Then, we can finally start using the fancy guest towels and I can bring out the good cheese.

Thanks to everyone for coming out to play.

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