Dear Alec,

I cannot explain why I chose YOU to lovingly harass on the Twitter platform. Perhaps it’s because Twitter is where you communicate so bluntly with the public. Perhaps it’s because I fall asleep to you and your fellow cast members on 30 Rock almost every night. Or perhaps it’s because Dick Schweddy and his annual Christmas delicacies are a holiday institution in my world.

In any event, as you can see from the tweet list below, I’ve made quite an effort to connect with you in the last week, asking only for a few syllables in return. I may seem like a crazy person but I assure you that I am merely a persistent and stubborn pain in the ass. It’s a problem that you could remedy by merely answering one of our mundane little questions. I’ve got lots of people waiting to hear from you … and maybe even get a question of their own answered.

So please … put down the political sandwich for just a moment … and say hello. It would mean a lot and, heck, I’ll even unfollow you afterwards if you want … as my work here will be done.

Anxiously awaiting your reply and your answer to the age-old question “What do you like on your pizza?”

ODNT

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A friendly pursuit of Alec Baldwin in tweets

(For the record, I’m the least frightening stalker I know.)

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@alecbaldwin I won’t feed my FEVER until you reply. Or is it my cold? Damn it. I can never remember.

Starting to think @alecbaldwin doesn’t like me. Here’s a picture of a heart-shaped steak. Maybe it’ll help.

@alecbaldwin No one believes me. This is like the Davy Jones/Brady Bunch episode. You just HAVE to sing at my, I mean, reply here.

@alecbaldwin What about a freaky cat pic? Will that get me a reply?

Y’all, I don’t think @alecbaldwin can hear me. Think he’s scared of me? Come on, man. I don’t boil rabbits!

@alecbaldwin What if I say I’m a Mama for Obama? Anything?

@alecbaldwin Picture of a SPAM cake?

@alecbaldwin The cat is destroyed over not hearing back from you.

@alecbaldwin Sigh.

@alecbaldwin A picture of high-end Oreos on the 100th anniversary of this prestigious cookie? Do YOU like Oreos, Alec?

@alecbaldwin How about a cat climbing a ladder? Isn’t that funny, Alec? It’s a cat. And he’s on a ladder!!!

I think @alecbaldwin’s Twitter is broken. It’s the only explanation really. Right?

@alecbaldwin Let’s try some questions to make this replying thing a little easier, shall we? Ginger or Mary Ann?

@alecbaldwin Stuffing or potatoes?

Do you think I remind @alecbaldwin of someone from his past that he despises? Or is it me personally he finds so offensive?

If you want to see @alecbaldwin reply to me just once, please tweet him. Tell him ODNT sent you. And ask him … Coke or Pepsi?

@alecbaldwin You win. For today. But you’d make my night if you’d just answer one question … young Elvis or old?

@alecbaldwin Getting my hair done today. Should I go with highlights or lowlights? Ooh, or both?

@alecbaldwin Just tell me – Team Edward or Team Jacob?

Hey, you guys. What do you think @alecbaldwin is doing right now? I’ll bet he’s planning his pithy reply to me for later.

@alecbaldwin Who’s your favorite Golden Girl?

@alecbaldwin What do you think, Alec? Fish tacos or shrimp fajitas? Wanna go splitsies?

@alecbaldwin Maybe the problem is that you feel you don’t know me well enough to reply. Let’s fix that, shall we? First, I’m a Gemini.

@alecbaldwin I was born and raised in New Orleans.

@alecbaldwin I didn’t learn to ride a bike ’til I was 8. See how I’m defiling myself for you!

@alecbaldwin Who’s your favorite Baldwin brother?

@alecbaldwin I just want to know what you like on your bagel.

@alecbaldwin And I forgot – more about me. To quell your fears so you might reply. I play the piano and the guitar.

@alecbaldwin If you could go back in time to play a character on the Brady Bunch, who would you be?

His lawyer, therapist & mom all say “Ignore her. She’ll get tired and move on.” @alecbaldwin I just want to know – Donny or Marie?

@alecbaldwin Please pass the salt.

@alecbaldwin And I’m fine with “Shut Up!” “Security!” or “Double your prescription!” I’ve got it coming and am nothing if not fair.

Hey @alecbaldwin. I’m approaching a stoplight & think it’s about to turn yellow. Do I brake or gun it?

@alecbaldwin See what I did there? I’m only kidding. I would not tweet and drive. That would be crazy. #sane

@alecbaldwin I’m not scary! Things I own – #Kids #GirlScoutCookies #EasyBakeOven Things I DON’T own – #Chucky #BoilingRabbit #HockeyMask

Good morning @alecbaldwin. May I ask how you take your coffee? #KillingYouWithKindness

@alecbaldwin What color do you think best suits you?

@alecbaldwin Who was your first grade teacher?

@alecbaldwin Oh, and my dad says hi.

@alecbaldwin You’re killing me, man. Check out this 5-in-1 delicacy I found today. Do YOU like cheese?

@alecbaldwin Do you think it’s a mistake that I always put the low-grade gas in my car?

@alecbaldwin Damn it, man, really? How do you like your steak prepared?

@alecbaldwin Just had someone named Dan Weiss follow me. It’s not Don Geiss, but it’s close. Maybe it’s a sign. (Hi, Dan!)

@alecbaldwin Getting sleepy. Trying to decide between white pajamas with grey dots or blue ones with moose on them. Ideas?

@alecbaldwin Don’t forget to reset your clocks this weekend! There. You’re welcome. See how nice I can be.

Headed to St. Pat’s parade to catch cabbage, potatoes, Irish Spring & all things useful to an Irishman. @alecbaldwin Need anything?

@alecbaldwin Had fun at St. Pat’s parade. Caught you a cabbage. Kids toted it home. You like cabbage, right?

@alecbaldwin I won a little writing contest today. It involved Jack Nicholson. Wanna read? It’s only 33 words. http://wp.me/p1LoLK-1bU

@alecbaldwin I thought about using your ‘Malice’ speech but the exclamation wasn’t as pronounced. Still great stuff. http://youtu.be/svhRi_6dUfs

@alecbaldwin And speaking of the ‘Malice’ speech, perhaps we can use that for today’s question. Do you have a God complex?

@alecbaldwin I may get blown away any second by a tornado in my area so it’s a good time to reply. What would YOU do in a tornado?

Morning @alecbladwin. I’m making eggs. How do you like yours?

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And this is where we left off. For now. I hope eventually to be able to post at least one little comment from our good friend, Alec. In the meantime, maybe you can help. I have two ideas:

(1) If you have a Twitter account, please feel free to tweet @alecbaldwin yourself and say hi. Feel free to ask him anything you want. He LOVES that. And tell him ODNT sent you. Ooh, we should create our own hashtag for this project. How about #ODNTSentMe?

(2) If you don’t have a Twitter account or if (like me) you’re lazy and would rather not take on the tweeting, please share some ideas below in the comments of what else we need to know about Alec. There must be just so many things!

Thanks, friends.

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Dying for more? Wondering if there’s a Part Two to this story?

Well, yes. There is. Click HERE for the continuing saga of my non-relationship with Mr. Alec Baldwin.