A Letter to Kleinpeter Dairy Fairms

May 1, 2012

Dear Kleinpeter Dairy,

I have been a faithful customer for many, many years. My college roommate first introduced me to your product testifying that your “skim milk was better” than all the others and it “tasted like 2%” because you “use Guernsey cows.” I remember thinking “Whatever” because I had no problem with the taste of the then always-watery-and-oddly-blue skim milk to which I’d become accustomed. Plus, I had no idea what a Guernsey cow was anyway. I was in college studying Journalism, not Animal Sciences … or would it be Bovinology?  The closest I came to anything cow-related was knowing co-eds who claimed to have gone cow-tipping. I never went. I’m scared of a fly, for God’s sake. And it seemed WAY mean to me. I’m pro-cow. Goooooo, cow!

Anyway, that was (cough, sputter) twenty years ago. And now, I’m happy to report that you’re the milk of choice in my house.  You were one of the first to advertise your disassociation with the rBGH growth hormone which, as a mom, won me over immediately. What the heck were these dairy farmers thinking, pumping their cows … and thus our children … with these bulk-inducing, cancer-causing, birth-defect-creating hormones?

Like I said, unless I can’t find your product in the store, Kleinpeter is what I take home in my overpacked, squeaky-wheeled grocery cart every week, sometimes twice a week if it’s a thirsty one. And we’ve never had any problems … until now.

I purchased a gallon of Kleinpeter skim milk on April 25 that listed an expiration date of May 6. We didn’t open it until the previous gallon was finished which was yesterday, April 30, still six days prior to expiration.

And it was the oddest gallon of “milk” I have ever seen.

Strangely enough, it didn’t have much of an odor which enabled me to investigate it more thoroughly than I probably should have without becoming ill. The milk was not white but cream-colored and VERY thick. And chunky.  Just pouring it down the drain was harder than digging ditches. I had to get all up in the jug which, as you can imagine, was a bit of a dirty job. (Hey, somebody call Mike Rowe!)

It was like having a gallon of yogurt in the house. And why you would ever need a gallon of yogurt? Maybe if you were running a Greek restaurant. Or fighting off the mother of all yeast infections. (Have I gone too far?) In any event, it was gross. And, while I am not asking for any financial compensation in return for my trouble, I would like to request a response to my letter as I keep a blog on such things and am posting my letter to you. I’d love to share your response.

As you can see, we don’t take ourselves too seriously around here so feel free to answer as candidly as your mood … and your boss … allows.

Thanks again for your time and … Keep On Milkin’!



15 responses to “A Letter to Kleinpeter Dairy Fairms

  1. That cow should be ashamed of herself….

  2. And…is it organic? I switched to organic – its more expensive, but just much safer…and tastes WAY better and for some bizarre reason, lasts longer!

  3. See what healthy living will get you?

  4. Sorry about the bogus gallon of milk. Love the Mike Rowe reference. I forgot to put him on my list on your crush post. I hope he’ll forgive me.

  5. Teaser — I already heard back from the Dairy Farm. Twice. More details coming soon.

  6. OOooooooh! Inquiring minds want to know! Will they name a cow after you? Or maybe they will just give you one of their ladies?! How cool would that be! Do you have a shed? She could live in your shed! And you would never need to mow your lawn again…

  7. There’s a Far Side cartoon in here somewhere…

  8. Ahhhhh Guapo is correct…

  9. I can’t believe the smell didn’t blow you across the kitchen! And I am pretty sure organic milk is ultra heat pasteurized so that it will last longer because people dont’ buy it as easily as other milk.

  10. kelleysbreakroom

    Ewww! Yuck! Really?? I have never heard of Kleinpeter, which is too bad because I’m really in need of a gallon of yogurt around here. (Thanks for linking up with us over at #findingthefunny this week!)

  11. Love the milk saga! You were one of the most clicked links at last week’s #findingthefunny! We’ll be featuring you tomorrow!

    Anna @mylifeandkids.com

    • Yay! I am tickled pink! Not always my best color but I’ll make an exception this week.

      There’s lots more to my dairy story FYI. The milkman answered my email and even paid me a visit. We’ve been pen pals ever since. Maybe I should put future episodes on #findingthefunny.:)

  12. When I grow up , I’m going to Bovine University. (I’m hoping you know who said that)

    The visuals of digging up in there were surpassed only by the yeast infection comparison. Taken together – I can’t unthink that.

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