If you’re reading this blog, I can only assume that you’re old enough to have had at least one class reunion by now. Me, too. Actually, I’ve had a few. (Loud exhausted sigh that I’ll repeat even louder if you didn’t hear the first one.) I’m old enough now that people likely expect me to show up with worldly anecdotes and other colorful witticisms about my life and its many accomplishments.
Shit.
So … we’ve got twelve days. And I was just thinking that I probably need to accomplish a few things before then. Although I’m afraid my list might be a little ambitious. Here’s what I’ve got. What do you think? Do I have a shot at any of these?
- Discover a vaccine for diabetes. I’ll probably take care of cancer and heart disease, too … as long as I’m in the lab using the beakers and messing up my nails and everything.
- Compose a symphony in E flat major 7. Doesn’t that sound like the perfect fancy-pants key? I think it would probably get me noticed faster than if I just said C. Also, I need to get this composition performed on PBS as soon as possible.
- Travel to a third world destination and ‘Angelina’ my way across the countryside. Stay put until People Magazine shows up to do a spread on me. Don’t forget to pack lipstick and a flat iron.
- Win a Tony. This one’s going to be tough. Because the Tonys aren’t held until a month later in June. Plus I’m not actually in a Broadway play right now. Details.
- Learn to play the cello. Geez, it’s only got four strings. How hard can it be?!!?
- Spend a month meditating in India. This one’s going to be really hard, too, because I’ve only got twelve days left.
- Write a sequel to War & Peace. So far, I’ve got about 650 words so I’m probably good to go here.
- Star in a movie with Johnny Depp. I just tweeted Tim Burton about some ideas so this one’s practically done. Plus, I think Johnny would probably LOVE to do a movie about my cat. Although the cat will probably have to be dead.
- Serve the people as an elected official. Does PTA president count? I had my own gavel with a piece of blue electrical tape on the side with my name written on it in Sharpie. Plus a music stand that, when covered by a blue Snuggie, made a pretty decent podium.
- Earn a B.A., an M.A., marry, have two kids, reinvent myself after Hurricane Katrina, get a cat and write about everything, even if it’s related to my boobs. Crap. I’m really dragging my feet on this one. Better start burning the damned generic Walmart candle at both ends.
What do you think? Some of my old classmates actually read this blog (or so they tell me) so I guess now I have to go. I’ll be going stag … which is becoming my thing … since Dave is traveling again. So, what should I tell everyone I’m doing these days? Think they’d believe if I claimed to be an undercover agent so I wouldn’t have to go into any details about my life? Or maybe I should just show up wearing another classmate’s name tag. A male classmate. (That could shake things up a bit.)
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Anyway, I’m now accepting ideas of what I should do, wear, say, carry with me, pretend to be, sing on the stage, put in the punchbowl, write on the wall in the ladies room, etc. at this momentous event in my very near future.
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And … oh, dear God … I almost forgot. Here’s a huge decision that could make or break my whole evening.
OldDogNewTits 
OK, here is the dress I was referring to in my tweet: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OOwwDIZIsAg
I say your hair depends on what you are wearing. For the Capri Sun ensemble, I would say curly. It’s fun and flirty. 🙂
Mel, I would have to agree that ‘Tropical Blast’ is definitely a curly hair kind of flavor … but I really think that ‘Splash Cooler’ calls for a tamer, sleeker hair style.
Cello only takes 2 hours to learn. No challenge there. I’d go for the harp. That sucker has a 6 day learning curve which means if you start now (RIGHT NOW) you’ll be doubly good by reunion day.
Shit, I forgot to start the harp today. I’ve only got 11 days left. Think I’m screwed?
You’ll be fine if you don’t mind your harp sounding like it’s being played by a drunken angel.
Hmmm, 12 days… I say become an expert in milk copywrite and an ace in dairy company PR. Failing that, bring about world peace :).
Great! World Peace. Number 11. Next ….
Star in a movie with Jonny Depp and definitely go with the curly hair. You can say you’re the stand in for Kari Byron of Mythbusters when thiings get really dangerous because you’re a tough adventurist.
Ooh, that Mythbusters thing is actually specific enough that it sounds real. Good plan!
Maybe you could travel to Africa, kill Kony, and adopt all of the kids Angelina style. Now, THAT would totally top the dental hygienist job that I bet your closest rival will talk about.
I’m afraid that I’ll be drinking alongside a few “atom splitters” in a few weeks. My school kicked ass. (http://www.benfranklinhighschool.org/)
Frankly, I’m STILL surprised they let me in.
While I think your hair looks stunning in BOTH photos, I prefer the straight look for an evening out. For Real.
You are very cute and shiny! Shiny is my word for people I like. Shiny is good.
Well, thank you. I can hang with shiny. That works for me. Funny though how it’s a good quality in hair but a bad one in skin.
good luck! and yes, i think your hair is super-pretty both ways! here from #findingthefunny
Thanks. You KNOW we’ll be posting a recap of the evening that will likely be very appropriate for #FindingTheFunny. Sadly, most of my life is, in fact, comical.
Michele, you are hilarious. I still have no idea how I got into BFHS! I am having my FB friends go to pinterest to dress me. I was thinking of wearing my graduation dress (from my 4th degree at LSU, not high school) but I think it’s too dressy. I have not split any atoms, but I hope to win a “prolific Facebooker award” or something along those lines. I won’t win longest married, most kids, farthest traveled or anything like that. See you next week!!! OG SNOCLAF!!!!
Hey! Can’t wait to see you. I’ll be the girl with her hair half curled and half straightened pretending to be a marine biologist.
I hope no whales come ashore (please watch video)… http://youtu.be/0u8KUgUqprw
Oh, how I wish I could say that this was the first time I was compared to George Costanza.
This made me really laugh! Hey, PTA pres totally counts – but, I am pulling for the Tim Burton movie! (came from FtheF!)
Going stag is sometimes just easier! It is in my case, anyway. My husband didn’t go to my high school. My 20 year reunion is next year. Ack!! Anyway, I think you totally can accomplish that list and probably only in a few days. As for the hair? I like it both ways, but curly is so cute! Love it! (Thanks for linking up with #findingthefunny!)
Thanks for linking up this one with us over at #findingthefunny this week, BTW!
Just be up front and honest. tell them you have been on the Space Station curing cancer. I will be here all day if you need me
and my 25th is next month and I am not sure yet…..
Good news – you’ve done it again! One of the most-clicked links at last week’s Finding the Funny. We’ll be featuring you tomorrow and we’re pinning this. Thanks!
Yay! Thanks! Maybe THIS can be my claim to fame for my reunion.
#pathetic
(Wait. This isn’t Twitter.)
My friend shared your link and I have some tips to help you with #1. Tell them that you have made a vaccine for diabetes and heart disease(this is heart disease awareness month so this will go over big). Say that your vaccines were ‘fast tracked’ to Phase III by the FDA due to the fact that your vaccine addresses an ‘unmet medical need’ and you are waiting to hear back from them. If they inquire further tell them that on the advice of your patent attorney you can’t divulge any further information! Remember the sage advice of George Costanza….”It’s not a lie, if you believe it”! Good luck and if the Capri Sun dress falls through you should consider a ‘Duct Tape’ couture!! 🙂
I’m going to write what you’ve written here word for word on the palm of my left hand Saturday night. Hell, it’ll be just like high school! 🙂
George Costanza = my hero
Although I often yelled at the screen at his idiocy.
Who’s the idiot NOW?
Or you could write it all down on your wrist and sport a couple of Swatch watches(do they still make those?) with Swatch guards of course! I may still have my neon green one, which would complement your Capri Sun dress!!
Art VanDeLay is my hero! 😉
Wait! Maybe I could be a latex salesman!
Why don’t you just tell everyone you invented post-its?????
You’re the third person to say that. I must look like I could pull it off. But I’m also considering claiming a few other products like the Magic Bullet or the Ped-Egg.
I say dig up one of your high school dresses — that is if Madame K didn’t do her dirty work on them. Given how tiny you are, I’m sure you can still fit in them. And, please, please, please do the curly hair. BUT, I dare you to do it up SUPER BIG — 80’s style!
Alas, I have no hair skills. The biggest I can get it is the curly pic. But I am still looking for the right piece of flair to wear as a shout out of sorts for my ODNT peeps.
More on that later … unless I forget. Good God, I need gingko biloba.
Girl, I’ve got pics of you with gigantic bangs. I know you’ve got it in you. And if you want, I’ve got a couple of dresses you can borrow circa 1985 and 1986. Check your answering machine!
If I’m not mistaken, I wore one of your dresses to prom! 🙂
And, yes, the bangs were huge but (she says defensively) they were cut very differently.
I’ll check voice mail. Talk soon.
LOL! Found you through Kelley’s Breakroom. God bless you for going to one of those…I avoid them. I say go with the Cello story without the work. What are the chances one would be lying around and someone saying “Why don’t you play for us?” If so, fake a hand cramp.
That’s true. Although it’s happened to me before with the piano. It wasn’t a complete lie. I DO play. Just not nearly as well as the world usually thinks, given my mother, etc.
An errant cello … in a bar … is much less likely to come across. I probably just need to brush up on my “cello vernacular.”
How about this: “I amassed 350 followers on Twitter in just 2 months and I’m BFFs with The Bloggess!” Now THAT’s an accomplishment!
I agree with Mel – hair style depends on what you choose to wear. It really looks fab both ways. I am a wavy/curly girl myself, so I’m partial to that look 😉
Ooh, Jenny! Great idea, JD.
And thanks for making me feel “accomplished.” 🙂