With Hamsters like Herve, Who Needs Coffee?

Picture it. Early Saturday morning. Me, still in pajamas, shuffling into my daughter’s room where she was happily playing on the floor with her hamster, Herve. I sat down beside her to join in the fun.

HER: Wanna hold him?

ME: Sure. (reaching out my hand)

HER: Here you go. (turning her hands sideways by mine to dump him as if he were a pork chop)

ME: Okay. (scrambling to take him as he began climbing into my pajama sleeve at the wrist)

HER: It’s okay, Mama. He does that with me all the time. Just put your hand in your shirt at the top of your sleeve to catch him.

ME: (reluctantly, my biggest concern being my own spastic flailing resulting in Herve’s demise) It tickles. (giggling)

HER: He’s almost to the top. Now, reach your hand up there to get him.

ME: (smiling compliantly, the happy moment interrupted by my very sharp but controlled squeal of pain) $#^&%#!!!

HER: What’s the matter, Mama? Where are you going?

ME: (rushing out to the bathroom) Be right back.

After pulling myself together, here’s how the text thread with Dave went.



Seriously, he’s always such a good little dude. I couldn’t figure out what happened until …

HER: Mama, what happened? Why did you run out of the room?

ME: Um, well … (recounting the whole embarrassing story )

HER: (attempting to show pity AND stifle a laugh at the same time, rather unsuccessfully) Poor Mama. (patting my head then turning to the hamster) BAD Herve. Why did you bite Mama on the boob? I mean, I know you were starving but …

ME: (interrupting her) Wait. What do you mean?

HER: Oh, he was STARVING all morning. I didn’t feed him when I first took him out and he was going crazy looking for food in my carpet right before you came in.

ME: Viv … why didn’t you tell me?

HER: (shrugging shoulders) IDK. (which is textspeak for I don’t know) And when I put him back in his cage, he went nuts in his food bowl.

ME: Okay. I think I know what happened.

His small animal sweet potato yogurt treats from PETCO look a lot like butterscotch chips. Meaning they are flesh-colored. And sort of … well, conular in shape. Do you see where I’m going here?

His treats look like nipples!!!

Needless to say, I’m (A) not doing the hamster up the sleeve trick anymore without a bra on and (B) switching to another brand of treats right away. Perhaps the apricot yogurt BALLS. (Don’t tell Dave.)

In the meantime, if you see me today guarding my right side … or maybe even clutching my right boob … you’ll know why. It’ll be our little … secret.


41 responses to “With Hamsters like Herve, Who Needs Coffee?

  1. Really sorry about your boob. Why on earth do they make nipple treats for hamsters? Poor thing was so hungry, he tried to latch on.

  2. Herve was just trying to breast feed. So cute! I’m still laughing…errr…I mean feeling bad for you. 🙂

  3. Omg! I was laughing so hard when I read this. Please know I have had a similar experience with a guinnea pig. (don’t ask how it got up there, someone thought they’d be funny) They always go for the nipple, always! The wound will heal, but the emotional scarring may be there forever.

  4. Thanks for sharing . Too funny. The little rat, I mean devil. Should be a disclaimer with them. Now don’t be a boob!

  5. wait a minute, I will be back to comment after I pick myself up from laughing.

    ok, better. That is awful! I love that your daughter knew exactly why he did it….

  6. So (snort) sorry, Michele. (chuckle) That must have (giggle) been (tee hee) awful (chortle) for you. (Guffaw) And that Viv comforts you in text speak is perfection.
    Bless your heart and your boob.
    Maybe Herve was also confused by your blog title. He needs to go back and read that early explanation post.
    Hope you are boob-rabies free.
    Thank you for the laugh today. Maybe a little ice and Neosporin will help, or a stiff drink. I’d pick the drink, but that’s me.

  7. If you ever go through with your original plan of your blog name, DON’T GET THE SCENTED ONES!!!

  8. New blog name: OldHamsterNewNips

  9. i just found out I have something in common with a hamster.

  10. Ow!! That’s a horrible story!!! You are a nice mom for providing a home to a hamster in the first place!!!

  11. Ow!! That’s a horrible story!!! You are a nice mother for housing a hamster!!!

  12. Hilarious! Not for you obviously, but thanx for sharing 🙂

  13. I love Dave’s reaction. Like this is a fairly normal occurance in your house and is used to getting texts like this from you. If it makes you feel better, I’m feeling symapathy booby pains for you. Ouch!

  14. hi, i’m following the “i don’t like mondays” blog hop. i would love for you to visit my blog and follow if you like it.


    new follower bev

  15. Ow! Old Dog, Bit Tits, eh? 😉

  16. Oh dear, you poor thing. This is horrible and hysterical all at the same thing. (The best kind of blog post and the worst kind of thing to live through)

  17. APRICOT YOGURT BALLS?!? Friggin hysterical!!

    I did that once. Not with a hamster…a cat. And not with the boob…the elbow. I don’t care, that skin hurts.

    OK. So, it’s not exactly the same…I do feel better not being so alone. Thank you. =)

  18. Hope your boob gets better soon 🙂 That’s one of the many things I never thought I’d say.

  19. Oh no! Whoever thought your boob would get bitten by little Herve. The pictures of the food crack me up.

  20. hahaha – oh now THIS is funny. Yes those treats do look like little boobies. lol But OMG ouch! Hope it isn’t too bad.

  21. I laughed myself to tears at the end. My son is saying, “Mom please tell me what’s so funny!” TALU Thanks I have a headache laugh. 😉

  22. Awww. We had hamsters when I was a kid. A sweet one and one that was a tiny steel bear trap. We had to release the mean one into the wild because he was so abusive to everyone. My dad reassured us he would be able to defend himself fine.
    Don’t let that hamster go hungry.

  23. Ah, I hate to laugh but I feel your pain. My 10 year old has a Russian Dwarf Hamster that is so tiny and cute that of course I fell in love with her. My daughter bought her with her own money she had earned. I wasn’t used to hamsters and was a bit hesitant but I seen my daughter scoop her up to play. Even my 6 year old was holding the hamster. So, a week goes by and I get the hamster some food. My daughter named her ‘Oreo’ because her fur turns a white in the winter and a dark brown in summer. As I was putting food into Oreo’s bowl, she came out sniffing my hand. I held my hand flat, like I had seen my daughter do, and she climbed onto my palm!!! The excitement vanished as she place herself just so on my palm and begin biting my pointer and thumb and of course that tender skin between the two. I would have tossed her on instinct but I keep calm and took my hand she was on and gently flipped her off. At least it wasn’t a nipple because my restraint wouldn’t have been so well. Great post. lol

  24. OUCH … HA Ha ha … ouch!!! [#TALU] 🙂

  25. HAHA! Oh, Herve.

  26. You are a better mom than I am. I don’t think I could handle a hamster in the house. Let alone a boob eating hamster!

  27. When I first started reading this, I thought he was just going to poop all over you. Boy was I wrong, hah! Thanks for the laugh.

    P.S. I found you through the Saturday Top 5 Laughs Blog Hop.

  28. Haha- this is hysterical!! I also thought like Sarah- that he was going to poop all over you!! You are one brave mama- not so sure if I could have a hamster in the house! LOL

  29. That had to hurt. Thank you though for sharing this! This definitely had me laughing. (I was raised with hamsters being a major part of our lives.) They love carrots.

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  31. Hilarious! That photo of his treats is priceless — considering where he was just recently foraging for food!!

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  35. Is it okay if I laugh at your pain?

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