Dear Thing Living Under My House,
I know you’re there. I hear you outside of my house. At all hours of the day. And night. I work from home. And sometimes, when I’m alone and it’s very quiet, I can hear you. Scratching … clawing … dragging against the flimsy, manmade, laughable barrier between us. It is most unnerving. I don’t even know what you are.
Or who you are.
I know you’ve figured out that I am aware of your presence. Because you seem to vanish into thin air when I summon the courage to rush outside to catch a glimpse of you. But you’re very fast. And eerily stealthy. And I know that you’re watching me.
I know that every time I cower on my hands and knees, desperately clutching a flashlight and searching for answers, that you are staring directly into my eyes. Into my very soul. And there, cloaked in the shadows not moving or even breathing, you remain hidden just waiting for me to surrender and retreat into the house so that you may continue with your diabolical plan to drive me to madness.
For the record, I am not the only one who knows you’re here. It’s painfully obvious that the cat has known about you for weeks. Stupidly, I dismissed him and assumed we were dealing with the usual benign suspects. He tried to caution me time and again, stopping to howl at the window, at the exterior wall or (because my home is raised three feet off the ground for your convenience) at various points in the floor. He hears you.
But your main concern should not be my sharp-toothed, albeit somewhat sluggish, fifty-percent-declawed feline warrior. Rather it should be my husband. He doesn’t tire easily. And your mind games only awaken the inner obsession and insatiable thirst for justice that make up the very fiber of his identity. He will stop at nothing until he’s taken you. Dead or alive. It matters not.
See you in Hell,
The woman who lives above your lair
Written in response to MamaKat’s writing prompt asking about something that spooked me.
OldDogNewTits 
Uh oh
I do the same thing. When I hear a noise, rather than hide, I follow it. With flashlight in hand, I’m determined to root it out! I hope you get to the bottom of your critter noises soon.
I think I have it’s cousin at my house destroying everything along it’s path along side of my home, I’m too much of a weeny to go searching for it though, but like Dave, my hubby will not rest until he finds out what it is. Oooh, maybe you can I can record both our hubbies and put it together in some sort of montage. Mine plans of locking and loading his bebe gun. He’s a horrible shot, so it’s okay.
I’m laughing too hard at that clip with Bill Murray. OMG. I’ve never seen that movie (I know, big surprise), but the random scenes I’ve caught of it always look so funny.
Also, go get ’em. 🙂
Those little wildlife creatures in our domain creep. me. out! I have been convinced we had a family of raccoons living beneath our house because I hear that same kind of movement every night. Turns out it was our vent…we need to get that thing fixed.
I had a wood chuck problem. Used a conibear neck trap to get the little buggers. 23 of them in 2 years – all from under my shed. (Apparently woodchucks have no remorse and will move into their dearly departed’s domicile as soon as the last shovel of dirt is tossed on the hastily dug grave). They are far from humane, but they’re effective and available in a variety of sizes. Check here: http://www.oneidavictor.com/our-products/conibear-brand-traps.html
Hahaha your post made me properly laugh, thanks 🙂
Haha! I get totally freaked out. You should see me!!