How I Spent My “Last Day” on Earth (Spoiler: I didn’t die.)

So I didn’t die yesterday. What does Facebook know anyway? Still, it was a  crazy way to spend a day. Wondering hour by hour if my number was suddenly going to come up. How did I spend my projected death day, you ask? Did I cower under the covers with my hands taped in oven mitts to prevent an accidental scratch that could result in a nasty infection that could kill me?

Hell to the No.

You guys know me better than that. I am a HUGE daredevil. Far be it from me to let fear get in the way of leading MY life on MY terms. I wasn’t going to let it slow me down for even a minute. Here are just a few of the things I took on yesterday … death day be damned.

* * * * * * * * * *

1. Drove recklessly. Well, I was late for a surprise birthday lunch for a friend so I may have been leadfooting at least a little.

2. Ate carelessly. Let’s see. Because yesterday’s activities included the birthday lunch, my daily intake included things like chocolate cake, pastry, fatty cheeses, butter, artificial sweetener and bacon. (Fine. It was turkey bacon.)

3. Ran with scissors. I should probably mention that the scissors were in Vivien’s school pencil pouch at the time. But I was running. Because I was hurrying to wrap a present for the birthday lunch.

4. Operated a branding iron. Actually, it was more of a flat iron. For hair. But I’ll still bet it could leave a pretty good mark on the skin if necessary.

5. Handled a razor. Hello? Hairy legs. Just as important as the clean underwear rule if I was going to die that day.

6. Played with fire. What? I lit a seasonal candle. That’s fire. And I enjoyed it. So it was playing.

7. Wielded a knife. Does it matter that it was a butter knife? No, it doesn’t. It’s still a knife. And I WIELDED it.

8. Experimented with drugs. I threw back five consecutive pills yesterday without so much as taking a breath. Never mind the fact that two were vitamins, two Midol and the last an herbal supplement.

9. Skydived. Actually, I jumped down from the kitchen footstool I was using to get a holiday cookbook. But I could have twisted an ankle.


10. Grappled with wild animals. Yes. He does SO count.

* * * * * * * * * *

Looks like I’ll be around to dumbass (and make up my own verbs) for another day.

(Whew! That was a close one.)

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10 responses to “How I Spent My “Last Day” on Earth (Spoiler: I didn’t die.)

  1. Apparently there are many cases of injured corneas related to curling irons. So yes it counts.

  2. Very funny!! Very!! And I’m SO very glad that you’re still alive!!

  3. So glad you are still here with us😄

  4. You are literally hysterical.

  5. Interesting post! Quite funny! What restaurant have you had the best food? Remember to add it to your Besty List!

  6. Pingback: 2014 – Best Pictures & Posts (According to Me) | OldDogNewTits

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