ATTN: Eric Lefkofsky, CEO

RE: Job Opportunities at Groupon

Dear Mr. Lefkofsky,

First of all, please allow me to pander, bootlick and gush obsequiously over your impressive organization. I love Groupon. I’ve been a loyal customer for years now. From indulging my inner turophile at the local fondue restaurant to nourishing my overworked tresses with the restorative proteins of Keratin to feeding my very soul with the musical stylings of the Polyphonic Spree, Groupon has been there for me. Putting my money where it should be … back into my pockets … thus enabling me to (duh!) buy more Groupons. In short, I believe in your company.

And isn’t that what this season is all about, Charlie Brown?

Oh, and speaking of the season, I’ve been perusing your site a good bit lately, on both my laptop and my phone. I’m savvy that way. As technology (and not “Annette”) is my middle name. Not surprisingly, I’ve found several different offers I’m considering for myself as well as for my loved ones this holiday. Groupon consistently boasts such a delightfully eclectic menu of choices. I always enjoy reading them, because they are written with such character and (yes, I’m just going to say it) color!

As a freelance writer for a broad representation of clients, I pride myself on creating editorials, articles, profiles and even product reviews that people actually want to read. After all, what good is the written word if no one is there to read it?

Right? Of course, right.

Which brings me to my next point. I have been nudged for years by several friends and colleagues to reach out to you, Groupon, for professional writing opportunities. I am certain I would be a welcome addition to your ranks. I can promise you the same level of spirit, pluck and unique personality to which you’ve become accustomed. I can also promise you error-free copy, the likes of which have no place in offers targeted (ironically) to the writing community.

Now, before you dismiss me as a lunatic … yes, I did fill out the standardized form for career opportunities on your website. I just thought I’d put in an extra good word for myself. I felt I deserved it. I’ve known for me for years and I am willing to personally vouch for myself for just about anything.

I anxiously await your response.

Respectfully,
Michele “Technology” Robert Poche

P.S. As a personal favor (are we at the point yet that I can be asking for favors?), I request that you not reprimand the staffer who crafted the new word for the writing course. Perhaps he was tired, perhaps he was distracted or perhaps he was  going for something existential in his description. In any event, without him, I would likely not have taken the time to write this correspondence. So I personally consider myself indebted to him. Or her. Either way.