Monthly Archives: April 2012

Check Your Email, Dude – Brotherly Love (Ep. 2)

Posted on April 19, 2012 | 7 comments

You guys DO understand that we’re reading other people’s PERSONAL and REAL emails here, right?

Remember MY PLAN to rid the world of misdirected emails? Every time I get something good sent to me by mistake, I’m sharing it. Right here. In a new segment called Check Your Email, Dude (CYED).

You are now reading Episode #2 of the Jud & Bill series entitled Brotherly Love, chronicling the mundanely interesting goings-on in the daily lives of two brothers across the country from one another. For the last episode, click here.

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[ Brotherly Love – Ep. 2]

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7/21/11, 5:15pm

Bill,

I hope that 16.6 body fat is all from a good brew. Went to see Mom today. She finally gave me the family recipe for making homemade beer in the bathtub. Now all I have to do is figure out how to keep Mrs. J out of the bathroom for two weeks while it ferments.  Thinking of telling her it is a tomato growing experiment. Now that you are knowledgeable in East Coast and West Coast life, do you think this would work? Let me tell you some history. She was really pissed when I tried to make moonshine in the backyard but not as pissed as in my younger days when she found out half my garden was that popular form of tobacco used in the late sixties and seventies.

Jud

Will Jud be able to brew his bathtub beer? What made him stop smoking pot in the 80s? Who the hell is Mrs. J? 

Stay tuned for more adventures of Jud & Bill in our next episode of Check Your Email, Dude. 

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Approaching Winter (for Trifecta)

Posted on April 18, 2012 | 31 comments

It’s time for the Trifecta Weekly Challenge. I wrote this entry on my phone during several recent moments of downtime in my life. Truthfully, I think these challenges have become my go-to free time activity … replacing reading, TV, music, Facebook and all of my other mindless occupations. (Fine. Who am I kidding? I was never really busy reading.) Now, if only I could convince myself to write in lieu of snacking.

Oh … and anyway … the word this week is observe. I was actually the Trifecta member who submitted it, dumb ass that I am. You would think I would have proposed a word for which I had already written a story. But NO. I had to come up with something new and original to challenge myself, thereby offering me (my primary concern, really) no unfair advantage over my fellow participants. So, I was accidentally ethical. Stupid … and ethical.

Seriously, you don’t know the rules by now? All entries must be between 33 and 333 words and need to include the following word using its third definition (both listed below).

ob·serve verb \əb-ˈzərv\

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Approaching Winter

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“It’s snowing again,” Martha announced to an empty room. She stared out the dusty picture window for a few minutes, watching the endless flakes fall into her overgrown garden. Sliding the tattered quilt from her legs, she braced herself on the arms of her chair to stand and reach for her cane, an old shepherd’s crook that had once belonged to her grandfather.

She steadied herself with it before traversing the excessively cluttered room. With her compromised balance, the trips to the kitchen had become incrementally hazardous. The quantity of obstacles taunting her along the way had increased ten-fold over the years.

She doddered across the stained rug, oblivious of the mess that had accumulated since her beloved Henry had passed seventeen years earlier. They were unable to have children so she seldom had visitors and the small cottage had plummeted into disrepair. The only thing preventing a rodent invasion was the daunting number of cats roaming the property, coming and going at will through a small window left ajar in their honor.

“Toby?” Martha called. “Toby, are you ready?” She looked around and finally saw an old grey tabby peeking out from behind a tall pile of newspapers beside her. “Hello, my handsome boy. And happy birthday to you.”

Toby was her oldest, as she’d adopted him shortly after Henry died. He was the only one for whom she knew a real birthday, November 7. It was the busiest day of the year in her non-traditional household. And Martha intended to observe it throughout his life as though it were a high holiday. Over the years, the other days had all lost their significance to her anyway.

He was her family now, he and all the others. They needed her for survival, or so she thought. And they were willing to sit for hours and listen to stories of her childhood, her factory job during the war, her Henry and whatever else crossed her tired and addled mind.

* * * * * * * * * *

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Check Your Email, Dude – Brotherly Love (Pilot)

Posted on April 17, 2012 | 7 comments

So, I have a plan to rid the world of misdirected emails.

Every time I get something good sent to me by mistake, I’m sharing it. Right here. In a new segment entitled Check Your Email, Dude (CYED). Sure, it’s a stupid name … but the concept is solid, right?

Anyway, I mentioned something in the first CYED post about a string of emails I received between two aging brothers on opposite coasts and have since gotten several requests to share them here. So, in an effort to build the momentum, I will be giving you the newest edition of Check Your Email, Dude … one … email … at … a … time. 

Hold on to your seats, readers. The first one’s a nail biter. (Oh, but I PROMISE it gets better.) 

[  Brotherly Love – Pilot ]

7/21/11, 2:37pm

Jud,

I forgot my newspaper, so I went to the fat-busting machine (scale) and discovered that I had lost 3 pounds and another .6 in body fat.  I am now down to 16.6.

Bill

Will Bill remember his newspaper? Will he lose more body fat? Will Jud care? 

Stay tuned for more adventures of Jud & Bill in our next episode of Check Your Email, Dude. 

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Dear Toby (for Trifextra)

Posted on April 14, 2012 | 34 comments

It’s Trifextra Weekend Challenge time.

This weekend’s rules: Entrants must write a letter of apology in 33 words exactly. Addresses, salutations, closings, etc. do not count in the 33 words.

Wanna help pick the winners? Click here between Sunday 8pm EST and Monday 8am EST to vote for your top three.

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Dear Toby,

I never should’ve allowed them to convince me to leave the room, because I was pregnant, while you were being put down. I’m sorry I wasn’t there for you, boy. You deserved better.

Regretfully,

Michele

* * * * * * * * * *

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RIP Toby (1987 – 2002)

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Against the Grain (for Trifecta)

Posted on April 12, 2012 | 14 comments

I’m dedicating today’s post to the Honda Corporation. Thanks to a recent recall made on my Pilot, I’m able to participate in the latest Trifecta Weekly Challenge.  Until this morning, I had resigned myself to the fact that I would be sitting this one out … until … I had to wait so long in the ‘customer lounge’ for my shuttle ride home.  So, here’s what I was doing while the lady on my left watched The Price is Right and the guy on my right read NASCAR Illustrated. You be the judge as to which one of us made the best use of his or her time.

RULES: All entries must be between 33 and 333 words and need to include the following word using its third definition (both listed below).

scan·dal noun \ˈskan-dəl\

* * * * * * * * * *

Against the Grain

* * * * * * * * * *

He checked his wrist watch and fidgeted in his chair. “We need to get started,” he thought, worriedly. “Where is she?” He scanned the crowd and, still unsatisfied, stood to get a better view of everything.

Then he saw her.

“The last one here, as always,” he smiled to himself, as he watched her walk down the long aisle to take her usual spot in the third row. His eyes stayed fixed upon her as she glided into her seat.

He couldn’t really pinpoint what first created the spark. She seemed to have a radiant glow all about her. He wondered if anyone else could feel her warmth and light. He caught himself smiling in her direction, lingering a little too long on her face, when her eyes met his directly. She returned his smile, waking him from his trance and forcing him to divert his attention to the other faces around him. He made sure to offer them the same enthusiastic demeanor so as not to arouse any suspicion.

How had he let it continue for so long? Nearly three years had passed since he’d first arrived and been introduced to her. And each week he excitedly anticipated being able to see her again, all the while trying to maintain his secret. And seeing her now, he knew that it had been far too long. Today he would make his move, no matter what the consequences, to determine if her feelings matched his own. It was a risk that could gravely injure him and would forever brand him as a scandal to his vocation. But the suspense would surely kill him sooner.

He smoothed the emerald green stole on his shoulders and approached the pulpit to greet his congregation, comforted in the fact that today’s mass would be his last.

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Let’s embarrass me. Topic: Famous Crushes

Posted on April 11, 2012 | 43 comments

For most of you, last weekend was merely the Easter holidays. In my household, however, we also celebrated another big event – the premiere of a new iCarly episode. They’re like red carpet affairs around here and my kids wouldn’t dream of missing one. Fortunately for them, I actually like iCarly. It’s clever and pop-cultured for my generation. And don’t even get me started on Spencer. The man slays me. So, in addition to our usual Easter Eve traditions, my family also took in this new episode, featuring the latest and greatest teen sensation, One Direction.

Later that same night, they were on TV a second time as the SNL musical guest. They’re just starting to take off in America and I’ve decided to excuse the fact that they’re classified as a boy band because their British/Irish accents are so cute. I suspect we’ll be seeing them covering bedroom walls everywhere very soon. (I miss Tiger Beat.)

Anyway, it made me start thinking about all of the famous faces I’ve fallen for over the years. Some names have stood the test of time while others … well, I’ll let my teenage bedroom walls do the talking.
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What can I say? My parents were obviously very cool.

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So, at the expense of my dignity, I’m sharing a sometimes-embarrassing-but-always-honest glimpse at some of my favorites over the years. Please enjoy laughing at my childhood.

Donny Osmond (1976-79) And I’m not ashamed to admit it.

Shaun Cassidy (1977-78) Okay, I’m a little ashamed.

Christopher Reeve (1978-1983) Who doesn’t love SUPERman?

Greg Evigan (1979-81) He worked with a chimp. What was not to like?

John Schneider (1979-82) Don’t judge. He was the style at the time.

Christopher Atkins (1980) Remember the naked guy from Blue Lagoon?

Rick Springfield (1981-85) For his music and the General Hospital thing. Truth be told, I just saw him again in concert in 2008. Oh, and in 2009 & 2010.

Maxwell Caulfield (1982) Remember the British guy from Grease 2? Yeah, me neither. When I learned he was married to an actress who was 18 years his senior, I moved on. He was 23 and she was 41. I guess Demi isn’t quite the pioneer she’s credited to be.

John Stamos (1982-83+) As long as I was already watching General Hospital, right? And he’s actually one of the few who still hangs on for me today. He’s just so pretty.

Adam Ant (1982-84) I loved his two big albums of the early 80s and some of the earlier Antmusic stuff. Alas, I never got to see him in concert when he came to New Orleans. I had a ticket to the show but was punished (for a sizable infraction, I might add) that very night. Fortunately, I somehow managed to pick up the pieces and get on with my life.

Duran Duran (1982-85) All five of ’em. I once won a contest for being able to rattle off the names Simon Le Bon, Nick Rhodes and the Taylors (Andy, Roger & John) in rapid succession. None of the Taylor boys are related. You know these things if you’re a real D2 fan.

Rob Lowe & C. Thomas Howell (1983) I saw The Outsiders four times at the movie theater. And with prices averaging $3.15 per ticket that year, that means I spent more than $12 on that one film! I can still recite from memory every word of the Robert Frost poem used in the movie. But I honestly never saw the allure of the other five guys. I don’t think they did much of anything else after that anyway, right? (Wink.)

Bart Conner & Mitch Gaylord (1984) What? I had Olympic fever. I think it was very patriotic of me.

Kevin Bacon (1984) But only in Footloose.

David Lee Roth (1985-87) From VH’s Jump to his own Just A Gigolo. I have no idea why. Please forgive me.

Davy Jones (1986-87) Thanks to MTV’s decision to air his old series. I loved these guys and even managed to see them in concert on a few reunion tours. (ODNT Trivia – They played, ironically, at the Audubon Zoo here in NOLA back in the day and one lucky girl got to kiss him for a photo. Guess who? Don’t tell my Dad!)

Harry Connick, Jr. (1990-93+) An amazing New Orleans talent who actually ran in similar circles to mine in high school. I listened to his music a lot back then and even used it at my wedding. And I loved his stint as ‘Leo’ on Will & Grace. He still hangs on for me today, too.

Johnny Depp (1993+) I’m not even going to put an end date here as he’s stayed at the top of the list. He didn’t catch my attention in Elm Street or Jump Street. But once he appeared in the back-to-back films Benny & Joon and What’s Eating Gilbert Grape I was sold. And I’m still buying nearly 20 years later.

Brad Pitt (1998) But only in Meet Joe Black (which oddly I never even saw in its entirety). Although all of his post-Katrina New Orleans work has put him back on the list in recent years.

Ewan McGregor (2001-2003) His song and dance stuff like Moulin Rouge & Down with Love are what put him on the list.

Orlando Bloom (2003-2007) But only in the Pirates movies. He’s Johnny Depp, Jr.

Sportacus (2004) From the God-awful children’s show, LazyTown. Not the (Icelandic) actor, the character. Make of that whatever you want.

Hugh Jackman (2004+) And, oddly, it all began with his unpredictable turn to play Peter Allen in the Broadway production of The Boy from Oz. What can I say? I love a song and dance man. Apparently, even a flamboyantly bedazzled one.

Patrick Dempsey (2007) But only in Enchanted.

Zac Efron (2007) He’s the new Rob Lowe.

Will Arnett (2009) It wasn’t until after Arrested Development ended that I learned to really appreciate this guy. Sorry, GOB.

Robert Downey, Jr. (2009) Honestly, he’s probably been on and off the list for years, but I’ve only recently started to admit it.

Bret McKenzie (2009+) The cuter half of Flight of the Conchords.

Robert Pattinson (2009) When my friend dragged me unwillingly to see New Moon. Fine, whatever. I’m Team Edward.

Josh Duhamel (2010) Starting with Ramona & Beezus. And my girl wonders why I’m willing to watch that movie again and again with her.

Flynn Rider (2010) From Tangled. What? Is it THAT weird that I’m including a cartoon character? You know what? Don’t answer that.

John Gordon Levitt (2011+) Based purely on his likable character in 50/50.

Wow. You’re still here? Well, if you actually made it through MY whole list, I want to know about YOU. Who was on YOUR walls? Boys can play, too.

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Wanna see this post in dreamy Tiger Beat technicolor? Click here, ODNT readers!

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Just in time for Easter – The Waiting is the Hardest Part (for Trifextra)

Posted on April 7, 2012 | 26 comments

Trifextra Weekend Challenge + Easter = Today’s post

The rules this weekend are a little different. All entries must be between 33 and 333 words and need to include the following three words in the order provided:

  • cacophony
  • soap
  • insects
I based my entry this week on a single photograph. And I’m dedicating it to the child in that photograph.

* * * * * * * * * *

The Waiting is the Hardest Part

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The cacophony of children could be heard throughout the mall. Melissa approached the intimidating line. “Maybe it won’t take that long,” she thought. “And I’ll be glad to have this picture when he’s older.”

She parked her stroller in the designated area and stepped into the line. It snaked back and forth through a maze leading up to the Great Rabbit. “Please make it move fast,” she thought, content that her son was distracted by all the festivity. She trudged along mindlessly until she heard the first whimper.

“Alright, buddy. Let’s see what Mommy has in her bag,” she said, trying to sound upbeat. “Ooh, look!” She pulled out the brightly-colored soap set she’d just purchased at the department store. They looked like six-legged insects. She knew they were just the thing to make bath time fun for her little man and his bug obsession.

Excitedly, he took one and examined each of its legs, antennae and wings, passing it from one hand to the other. Moving through the line, Melissa reveled in her ingenuity … until he put it in his mouth. And his face went immediately sour.

She knew she had about ten seconds before the crying started. So she tossed him his sippy cup, mercifully filled with apple juice, and began searching frantically for another distraction in her bag of tricks.

Then, she struck gold.

His orange pan. His Bear in the Big Blue House pan. He took it everywhere. He’d given it to her at lunch and must have forgotten about it. “Ta-da!” Melissa announced triumphantly.

His face broke into a huge smile that ran from one adorable cheek to the other. “Pan!” he shouted.

She handed it to him, puffed with pride at her quick action, until he asked for its accompanying ‘patula,’ which she remembered seeing on the kitchen floor as they ran out the door that morning.

“Well, crap,” she thought, surrendering her now crying child to the stupid bunny.

Click! went the camera.

* * * * * * * * *

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Easter 2001

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The story is fiction, but the picture is real. Thanks for serving as my inspiration today, my boy. Happy Easter to you and to your sister! Oh, and props to Tom Petty for helping me out with my title.

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Don’t read this post if you already know me. This one’s for strangers. Seriously, why are you still here?

Posted on April 6, 2012 | 9 comments

My friends at Trifecta want to know their writers. And they want their writers to know each other. Enter this meme.

Now, for those of you who have no idea what a meme is, please allow me to elaborate. Don’t feel bad. I had to look it up myself the first time I heard it. (Actually, it was like the eighth time. I just nodded and acted like I knew what the speaker was talking about the first seven times.) The word ‘meme’ has several meanings. The one we’re concerned with here as defined by the Urban Dictionary, is “in blogspeak, an idea that is spread from blog to blog.” Yes, I am fully aware of how much cooler I just became in all of your eyes.

So, this meme was created by Trifecta to serve as an ice breaker among the writers in these circles. Here’s how it works:

  • Step one – I complete the form.
  • Step two – I link it up to their site under Meet Your Fellow Trifectans.
  • Step three – Other writers can click on it to see what makes me tick … which, let’s be honest, is mostly cheese, my kids and things that make me laugh out loud, whether they’re intended to or not.

I still can’t believe that they didn’t ask things like my astrological sign, my hat size or my favorite Brady Bunch character. Wouldn’t that be much more interesting for everyone? But they’re higher brow than myself. They want to know what inspires us all. I did the best I could, Trifecta. I don’t take myself too seriously … so why should anyone else?

  1. What is your name (real or otherwise)? OldDogNewTits or ODNT in these circles but you can also just call me Michele, if you feel ridiculously stupid using that handle.
  2. Describe your writing style in three words. Tongue-in-cheek. I’m not sure that’s actually three words, since it’s hyphenated. So, if I had to include two more, I’d love it if they were “honest” and “empathetic” but I would also accept “peanut-buttery” or “heart-healthy.”
  3. How long have you been writing online? The ODNT blog went public in August 2011.
  4. Which, if any, other writing challenges do you participate in? I recently submitted something to NPR and am always actively seeking other opportunities. Suggestions are welcome.
  5. Describe one way in which you could improve your writing. Elongating my better projects.
  6. What is the best writing advice you’ve ever been given? To do it as much as possible and put myself out there.
  7. Who is your favorite author? I’ve recently become attached to an up and coming writer. By chance, we live under the same roof. She’s only 9 but she shows real promise. (And I couldn’t be prouder.)
  8. How do you make time to write? By shirking all of my regular responsibilities.
  9. Give us one word we should consider using as a prompt. Remember–it must have a third definition. Geez, I don’t know. Saccharine? Caustic? Saturate? Gamy? Ample? Edgy? Observe?
  10. Direct us to one blog post of yours that we shouldn’t miss reading. Wow. Um … (rifling through mounds of disorganized paperwork frantically) … how about this one? It’s called ‘A Day Spent in your Bed isn’t Always a Bad Thing.” It’s more serious, which I typically am not.

I want to thank you all for coming out for the show tonight. Please remember to tip your waiters and waitresses on the way out. And drive safely.

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Burden of Proof (for Trifecta)

Posted on April 4, 2012 | 33 comments

It’s Trifecta Weekly Challenge time and this one was especially difficult for me personally. Perhaps it’s because the prompt exposed two of my Achilles heels: brains and computers. Sad, huh? RULES: All entries must be between 33 and 333 words and need to include the following word using its third definition (both listed below).

* * * * * * * * * *

Burden of Proof

* * * * * * * * * * 

“Keep digging.” Riggs pleaded.

Murtaugh could hear the desperation in his partner’s voice. It had only been six months since he lost Victoria. He was too close to these crimes. “You’re grasping at straws. Police combed the area for days. There’s nothing left.”

“How can you be sure?” Riggs protested. “We both know he killed all six of them but we’ve only got enough to get him for that last one.”

“Riggs, we don’t even have bodies, let alone evidence to link him to those women.”

Riggs kept digging. “What about the waitress?”

“Who?”

“The girl we questioned last month. The only one who got out alive. With the piercings … and tattoos, remember? “

“Please. I’m still having nightmares,” Murtaugh laughed.

“Yeah, she was rough … but smart.” Riggs agreed. “That’s what saved her. She paid attention to his schedule, knew when to act. She said he recorded everything on his computer … pictures, clippings, videos. Apparently, he liked showing them to his newer captures. I just wish she hadn’t waited to report him. It gave him too much time.”

“Then, tell me again. Why are we here?”

“They found the last victim here, right?

“Yes. And?” Murtaugh persisted.

“He knew it was his last kill for a while, thanks to the waitress. So, he had to dump everything .. the body, the tools and …”

“The computer,” concluded Murtaugh.

“Exactly,” said Riggs, just as his digging fingers hit the metal hard drive in the dirt. “His brain. I’ll bet everything’s on here. The girls, the methods, even the dump sites. And these barcodes will lead us right to him.”

Murtaugh interrupted. “Why wouldn’t he have destroyed it?”

“Because he’s one of them. The monsters who keep these grisly souvenirs. Usually the key evidence in their convictions. When Bundy was asked why he photographed his victims, he said, ‘when you work hard to do something right, you don’t want to forget it.'” Riggs turned to collect himself, wiping his eyes. “Let’s go nail his ass to the wall.”

* * * * * * * * * * 

Anyone recognize my characters? Points go to the first one who leaves it in the comments.

And that Ted Bundy stuff? It was real. I did a little terrifying research by myself late last night during one of the worst thunderstorms in recent history. It’s a good thing the power didn’t go out or I’d still be holed up in the back of my closet clutching a butcher knife and a vial of holy water. (A girl’s gotta cover all her bases, from the mortal to the supernatural.) Anyway, this link was the most disturbing one I read. It’s not for the faint of heart, especially that second paragraph.

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A Letter of Farewell to My Old Toilet

Posted on April 3, 2012 | 16 comments

Dear Old Toilet,

I just wanted to take a moment to tell you what you’ve meant to our family. It’s true. We inherited you with this house but it seemed like, after no time, we accepted you as one of our own. And honestly, as with most things, isn’t it best really to forget that your toilet ever had a past?

You’ve been a significant part of our home, providing an excellent thinking spot for my husband and my two children. It was a great place for them to catch up on online news, emails, Facebook and reading or even to set a high score in the latest DS game or iPod app. And, while you and I never really shared the same bond as the ones you had with the remaining members of my family, we certainly had our moments, didn’t we? I’ll never forget the Great Stomach Bug of 2009. You were amazing. There for me through all of it, supporting me in a way that no one or thing should ever have to do for another. And don’t even get me started on clogging. You were the man. I think you only stopped up once shortly after we moved in. I still attribute that expensive but memorable incident to the previous owner. For my money, you are free of any responsibility or blame there.

Unfortunately, there comes a time in every toilet’s life when it’s forced to be removed from its owner’s home. It’s nothing personal. Really. I’m sure you’ve noticed all the changes taking place in the bathroom around you. It’s called remodeling. And it’s usually bad news for old toilets, tubs and sinks. In our case, all three of you had to go. You just didn’t fit the decor of the new bathroom. Plus, I’ve really been looking forward to installing a “high boy” for a while now. It’s not just you. The sinks are higher, too. I can’t explain why, but I just think it looks more formal, more regal if you will. As a short person myself, I understand how much this criticism must hurt. And, for that, I am truly sorry.

This past week hasn’t been easy. It has certainly served as a wake up call for all of us, reminding us again and again (sometimes quite urgently) how important a good toilet really is to a family of four. I’m ashamed to say that we all took you for granted. Existing with only one for the week has taught us all to appreciate the gift of a toilet … and we anxiously anticipate the day that we can once again call ourselves a two-toilet household.

As I watched you ride away on the back of the contractor’s truck, I couldn’t help but shed a tear for you, my old friend. You who were there for us through the highs and lows, the ups and down, in (disgusting) sickness and in health. It’s an unfair fact of life for a toilet and I hope with all my heart that you are delivered to a new family’s home where you can continue to provide comfort and relief to all those who are fortunate enough to sit upon your seat.

God speed, my friend, and may your pipes and bowl always remain clean and clear.

Sincerely,

Michele*

* My toilet only called me by my real name. I’m not sure the fact that I write this blog ever came up in conversation between us.

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