Tag Archives: check your email dude

And the winner of the Jud & Bill Episode 11 Contest is …

Posted on July 6, 2012 | 8 comments

Have I been REMISS or have I been SLACKASSED? You be the judge.

re·miss   ri·mis’ – (adj.) negligent, careless, or slow in performing one’s duty, business, etc.

 OR

slack·assed   slak’·ast – (adj.) lazy; whiny; buck-passing; lame excuse-generating; easily distracted by snacks

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Well, yes. The contest ended Monday … so I should have announced the winner Tuesday morning … but I (stepping up on pretty pink, bedazzled pedestal) have been busy celebrating the birth of our nation this week.

So EXCUSE ME for being patriotic.

I’M SORRY if my allegiance became your inconvenience.

And if CARING MORE ABOUT AMERICA than about this whole website contest is wrong, then I don’t wanna be …

Oh, whatever. I had stuff to do.  But don’t mistake my slackassery for disinterest. Hosting this inaugural link-up was a blast for me. You guys really outdid yourselves. I promise whenever I get around to my next one that it’ll be easier (and WAY more brainless!) for all of us. And, that said, I guess I should actually be announcing a winner. I so wish I could name all of you.

“You’re all winners!”

Alas, the ODNT budget barely allows for one winner let alone a whole panel of victors. So, we put it up for a vote and let YOU decide. Ladies and gentlemen, the tribe has spoken. (I have never seen Survivor. Gosh, I hope I used that quote correctly.) The winner of the Jud & Bill Episode 11 Contest is … Amy Ragg of Betty Rants.

Congratulations, Amy! Please email me at olddognewtits@gmail.com with your snail mail address so I can send you a little token of my esteem. I don’t want to ruin the surprise for Amy so I won’t reveal what it is here until I confirm she’s received it. Until then, please go visit Amy on Twitter (@oneragglette) and tell her she’s awesome.

Thank You! Thank You! Thank You to everyone who researched, read, wrote and voted. You are now all of my favorite readers and can sit in the front section of my blog nearest to the stage. That’s where we serve the good drinks.

To view the other hilarious entries, click here. To view the dumbassery that let up to the contest, click here.

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Wake up, ODNT! You forgot about the Jud & Bill Contest.

Posted on June 25, 2012 | 5 comments

No, no, no. I did NOT forget about the Jud & Bill Contest. It’s summer so my kids are home 24/7 … and they’re tearing  through laundry, food, dishes, my money, my last nerves and hours of my time like Kleenex around here. Plus … have you read these entries? They are so freakin’ good with so much creativity and research put into each one of them that there is NO WAY I could pick a winner myself.

Are you really surprised by this next development?

We’re putting it up for a vote. I’m giving everyone a whole week … because we are ALL busy people … to take a look at the submissions and then vote for the one you think best represents Episode 11. Feel free to elaborate in the comments below their entries or this post as I know the writers would love to hear from you.

Want to catch up on the storyline before reading the entries and voting? Click here for episodes 1-10.

Here are the entries for your voting consideration:

Mel at According to Mags

StnkyFerit at Honey Badger Just Don’t Care

Libby at Libby’s Book Blog

BrainTomahawk

Amy at Betty Rants

Kari

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Please take a minute to read ALL of the above before voting. You might want to eat a Saltine or Melba Toast cracker between reading each entry to cleanse your palate properly. Or, better yet,  perhaps you could check out the dental blog of my first hate mail – I mean – my old friend to clear your brain between each example of the fine dumbassery exhibited here in these entries today.

* * * * * * * * * *

I couldn’t get the stupid poll to center on the page. So … to overcompensate for my computer illiteracy AND to pay homage to the two heroes that inspired this whole contest …  I elected to use the cheesiest poll theme offered in WordPress for our post today. Enjoy!

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Check Your Email, Dude – It’s a Baby Shower!

Posted on June 24, 2012 | 9 comments

No, it’s not from Jud and Bill … MORE ON THAT CONTEST SOON, BY THE WAY … but I did get another misdirected email recently. Remember MY PLAN to rid this world of this electronic idiocy? Every time I get something good sent to me by mistake, I’m sharing it. Right here. In a segment called Check Your Email, Dude (CYED).

* * * * *

Today’s installment of CYED comes to us from Carol in Michigan. She was writing to her friend, Joanie, to get her okay on an invitation to a baby shower for Kim before she printed it. And I feel kinda bad because the big day is only a week off. I really hope I didn’t impede the party planning by holding up the invitations. By now, the party givers should be pricing balloons and pink and blue tableware … and buying a Vlasic pickle stork replica to put on the lawn … and stuffing baby bottles favors with pastel pillow mints … and the games. Oh, DEAR GOD, the games!

Man, Kim’s shower’s gonna suck.

Maybe I should just send a quick email saying that the invitation looks fine so they can get moving on the other stuff. Although, it looks pretty boy-centric to me. I wonder if Kim even knows what she’s having. Her stupid friends probably didn’t even take that into account. Also, I know it’s the Walt Disney font and all, but I HATE the lettering. Kim’s got a mouthful of a last name (which I deleted because I’m awesome) and it’s barely legible in this freakish font. Personally, I would never do that to Kim. But it’s not like any of them asked ME to co-host her shower. Hags.

Anyway, here’s the email. Judge for yourself.

[ Baby Shower Invitation Proof ]

Hi Joanie!
I’ve attached the proof for your invitations. Please look it over and make sure everything is correct.
Thanks!
Carol
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So, what do y’all think I should get her? There is NO way I’m going to Babies R Us or Walmart. I have an unopened Scrabble game around here somewhere. And an extra cat collar with painted fish on it. Ooh, and a pair of white sandals that I only wore once then decided they didn’t fit. I still have the box and everything.

Damn! I have to get moving. I wonder what the airfare to Michigan will run me.

I’m coming, Kim. Don’t start without me!

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Jud & Bill are hosting a CONTEST. With a PRIZE!

Posted on June 15, 2012 | 13 comments

This post is my first-ever attempt at a link-up so please bear with me.

Yesterday, I posted the final episode of the Jud & Bill Brotherly Love series. For those of you just tuning in, click here to catch up on the pair of brothers who accidentally included me on their rather colorful, back-and-forth correspondence for quite a while. And, being the “good samaritan” that I am, I chose not to put an end to it with a polite email to the senders but rather to post all of their personal messages … right here … for your enjoyment and mine.

Anyway, since someone finally caught the error and cut me out of the email loop, we now find ourselves left with burning questions, undeveloped characters and dangling plot lines. This doesn’t sit well with me at all.

So, here’s where YOU come in.

I’m giving you a week to write the NEW final episode of the Jud & Bill series. It can be any length you want. There are NO rules. You can tie up the loose ends by continuing with the current storyline or go off completely on your own tangent. Be creative. (Creative = something that will make me smile, forget my troubles, shake with laughter, have a renewed outlook on life, pee my pants, find religion, run for shelter, whatever.) Then … link it up here.

At the end of next week, I’ll pick a winner OR if I can’t decide (you’ve got to know what’s coming, right?) I’ll put it up for a vote. Oh, and if you want to play but don’t have a blog to link up, email it to me at olddognewtits@gmail.com. I’ll post it myself and link it up. Assuming I can actually do that. God, I hope this works.  (sweat, sweat)

The winner will get a small token of my appreciation sent to him or her personally … that is, if you’re willing to give me your home address. (Cue maniacal cackling) Best of luck to all of you.

This link-up doesn’t require a backlink to this post (only because I’m too stupid to figure it out) but I sure would appreciate one in your post. And, remember, I AM on the panel of judges.

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Check Your Email, Dude – Brotherly Love (Ep. 10)

Posted on June 14, 2012 | 8 comments

It is with a heavy heart that I give you Episode 10, the final installment of the Jud & Bill series. And there’s a little SURPRISE at the bottom of this post!

Remember MY PLAN to rid the world of misdirected emails? Every time I get something good sent to me by mistake, I’m sharing it. Right here. In a segment called Check Your Email, Dude (CYED).

You are now reading Episode #10 of the Jud & Bill series entitled Brotherly Love, chronicling the mundanely interesting goings-on in the daily lives of two brothers across the country from one another. To view past episodes:

Episode 1

Episode 2

Episode 3

Episode 4

Episode 5

Episode 6

Episode 7

Episode 8

Episode 9

[ Brotherly Love – Ep. 10 ]

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7/31/11, 7:33pm

Jud,

It sounds like Buddy and you enjoyed the game last night, despite the lopsided loss.  Where are the fathers in today’s society?  They should be bringing the kids to the games.  And speaking of fathers, we were enjoying the all-star game last night when a very large man almost sat down on my lap.  Mind you, there is room for about 5,000 more fans than were at the game, but he chose to sit very close to me.  By this time, we had already seen Ryan Garvey with the home run contest before the game.  The kid hit five out in each round, winning the whole sheebang.  The trophy he went home with would make a great room divider.  His dad, Steve, threw out the first pitch, and he still cannot throw, one of the reasons he was taken off third base in his early Dodger career.  Anyway, back to the big guy.  He asks me if I come here often.  I am starting to think “old pick-up line” and immediately reach for Jean’s hand to hold.  However, he begins to tell me that he has two sons in the league and one is playing tonight.  I tell him all the ramifications of the Home Run Derby, and then he tells me that the other son, a pitcher who I had seen throw before, was asked to leave the Power because he got into a shoving match with the Garvey kid.  (This is like picking on Donald Trump’s kid in midtown New York.  Not a smart choice on this guy’s son’s part.)  So we kibitzed for a while until he asked me about ceviche.  I had no idea what he was talking about and looked around to see if Santa Ana’s followers were getting ready to avenge what happened after the Alamo uprising.  Then, Jean explained that it was a shrimp dish cooked in lime, etc.  Do I have a sign stenciled on my forehead that says “Talk to me”.  I don’t care.  Does it look like I miss a meal?   We finally left with the score tied 2-2 in the eighth. Talk to youse tomorrow.

Billy

So … was the “big guy” making a move on Billy? How does a PIG know about ceviche?? And who won the game??? We’ll never know. Sigh.

.

I’m gonna miss these guys so much that … I’m holding a CONTEST. With a PRIZE! Tune in tomorrow for the details.

* * * * *

Stay tuned for other Check your Email, Dude stories … coming soon.

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read to be read at yeahwrite.me

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Check Your Email, Dude – Brotherly Love (Ep. 9)

Posted on June 4, 2012 | 4 comments

For the record, this is the SECOND TO LAST EPISODE of the Brotherly Love series. Sniff.

Remember MY PLAN to rid the world of misdirected emails? Every time I get something good sent to me by mistake, I’m sharing it. Right here. In a segment called Check Your Email, Dude (CYED).

You are now reading Episode #9 of the Jud & Bill series entitled Brotherly Love, chronicling the mundanely interesting goings-on in the daily lives of two brothers across the country from one another. To view past episodes:

Episode 1

Episode 2

Episode 3

Episode 4

Episode 5

Episode 6

Episode 7

Episode 8

[ Brotherly Love – Ep. 9 ]

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7/31/11, 2:46pm

Bill,

They let us back into the ball park with our own personal set of ground rules – the biggest one being not to rip off Scooter’s attire anymore. And the night went almost without incident until we managed to provoke the removal of three mothers in their 40’s along with three kids. I was starting to get a headache because one of them was talking about ten decibels above the crowd, and really annoying Buddy and me. After a little thought, I had a solution in mind so, after cluing Billy in, I put my plan in motion. First, I turned to the woman and told her that her kid kicked me three times and asked her to please stop him.  And I said it loud enough so the people around could hear me.  Then, I leaned over and said very quietly that if she would get the beer bottle out of her mouth for a few minutes she could do a better job of controlling her kid. With that, she yelled out a few F words then threw her full beer bottle at me. Now, normally, I would have caught it and had a free beer on her but this wasn’t in the plan so I side stepped it. Guess who got hit with the beer?  My good friend, Scooter, of course, who looked up at me and I pointed to the lady behind me who was screaming at the top of her lungs by now. The police came from across the street in two minutes flat and removed all six of them. I told Buddy that we killed two birds with one stone here: (1) first, we enjoyed the rest of the game without headaches and (2) second, we became friends with Scooter again. And we learned that a game can be enjoyed even when you are losing 16-0.  It is pool time.  Talk to you soon.

Jud

Why are Jud and his pal stripping another man of his clothes at a ballgame? Why are they concocting such elaborate schemes to become friends with that poor man again? And, what’s wrong with a 40-something-year-old mom drinking at a ballgame? Seriously, somebody please tell me before I run into these two at the ball park.

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Stay tuned for more adventures of Jud & Bill in our next episode of Check Your Email, Dude. There’s only one more!!!

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Check Your Email, Dude – Brotherly Love (Ep. 8)

Posted on May 31, 2012 | 3 comments

I swear on my cheese that these are all PERSONAL and REAL emails!

Remember MY PLAN to rid the world of misdirected emails? Every time I get something good sent to me by mistake, I’m sharing it. Right here. In a segment called Check Your Email, Dude (CYED).

You are now reading Episode #8 of the Jud & Bill series entitled Brotherly Love, chronicling the mundanely interesting goings-on in the daily lives of two brothers across the country from one another. To view past episodes:

Episode 1

Episode 2

Episode 3

Episode 4

Episode 5

Episode 6

Episode 7

Brotherly Love – Ep. 8 ]

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7/30/11, 6:29pm

Jud,

I thought I would listen to the New York City Police Department radio band while you and Buddy are attending tonight’s game so I could call you and tell you that the police are on their way.  You need all the lead time because the 122 Precinct is right across the street from the ballfield.  Plus, the two of you would have to get out of your disguises.  Buddy (in his Yankee togs) and you (dressed liked Scooter the Mascot) would have to run to the nearest restroom to change. But Ms. Bossy Boots (Jean is much better looking) suggested that we go to the College League All-Star game tonight in Palm Springs.  So, we will be attending another baseball game.  I sure hope dollar beers are in store for the night.  Also, after the game, anyone can pay $10 to attempt to dig up a diamond in the infield.  WTF?  I will be bringing my night vision goggles and metal scanner to ascertain the correct digging spot. Have a great weekend.

Bill

Why do Jud & his pal, Buddy, need DISGUISES to attend a baseball game?!!? Who is Ms. Bossy Boots … and might she also be a pig? Did Bill find anything interesting at the ball field … and why does he even own night vision goggles?

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Stay tuned for more adventures of Jud & Bill in our next episode of Check Your Email, Dude.

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Check Your Email, Dude – Brotherly Love (Ep. 7)

Posted on May 24, 2012 | 2 comments

I swear on my cheese that these are all PERSONAL, REAL emails!

Remember My PLAN to rid the world of misdirected emails? Every time I get something good sent to me by mistake, I’m sharing it. Right here. In a segment called Check Your Email, Dude (CYED).

You are now reading Episode #7 of the Jud & Bill series entitled Brotherly Love, chronicling the mundanely interesting goings-on in the daily lives of two brothers across the country from one another. To view past episodes:

Episode 1
Episode 2
Episode 3
Episode 4
Episode 5
Episode 6

[ Brotherly Love – Ep. 7 ]

7/27/11, 12:02am

Jud,

Went to another Power baseball game tonight, since it is the best of three finals.  Observations? Despite the hot temperatures, there were no wet t-shirt contests, probably because 25 percent of all Palm Springers are gay and there were not that many pretty women in the stands.  Also, during the playoffs, there is no designated strikeout batter.  However, it was dollar beer night until the seventh, when they shut off the spigots.  Jean only brought one dollar to the game, so I was limited to one beer. (Smile)  She had to climb over two rows of seats to get to the walkway, at which point the guy in front of me stated that she was very agile.  I was engrossed in a conversation with about six guys, very innocently, when Jean came over and said, “He’s with me.”  I looked at her dumbfounded and said that they were all nice guys and quietly pointed out that they were all wearing wedding bands.  At this point, she told me that gay men who are married wear wedding bands.  How the hell was I supposed to know that?  That was never in the newspapers.  I think she will be locking me up for the next couple of days, so I can study the internet.  (This is getting very confusing.) The Power was winning when we left, 6 – 1, with Ryan Garvey homering and tripling, driving in 4 runs.  To get even with Jean on the ride home, I opened my sunroof, and it was still 95 degrees.  Talk to you tomorrow.

 Bill

Why is a PIG buying Bill’s beer? (Alright, maybe Mrs. J isn’t a porker after all.) Might Bill be harboring some latent homosexual tendencies? And who won the damned game?

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Stay tuned for more adventures of Jud & Bill in our next episode of Check Your Email, Dude.

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Check Your Email, Dude – Brotherly Love (Ep. 6)

Posted on May 14, 2012 | 2 comments

You guys DO understand that we’re reading other people’s PERSONAL and REAL emails here, right?

Remember MY PLAN to rid the world of misdirected emails? Every time I get something good sent to me by mistake, I’m sharing it. Right here. In a segment called Check Your Email, Dude (CYED).

* * * * * * * * * *

You are now reading Episode #6 of the Jud & Bill series entitled Brotherly Love, chronicling the mundanely interesting goings-on in the daily lives of two brothers across the country from one another. To view past episodes …

Episode 1 ….. Episode 2 ….. Episode 3 ….. Episode 4 ….. Episode 5

[ Brotherly Love – Ep. 6 ]

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7/22/11,12:20pm

Bill,

Don’t forget for 60 years you have eaten cow meat at least twice a week. So, now you are going to lose your big beef muscle if you don’t eat cow at least once a month. The diverse 25% of the Palm Springs population knows all about keeping their big beef muscles in shape by practicing a Greek-style of diet. Have to eat my lunch now of (you guessed it) salad, tomatoes and Greek olives … and my ration of four croutons. Talk soon.

Jud

Dear God in Heaven, what is a BIG BEEF MUSCLE? And what does Greek food have to do with keeping it in shape? And, last but most importantly, what brand of croutons do you think Jud is eating?

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Stay tuned for more adventures of Jud & Bill in our next episode of Check Your Email, Dude.

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Check Your Email, Dude – Brotherly Love (Ep. 5)

Posted on May 8, 2012 | 3 comments

You guys DO understand that we’re reading other people’s PERSONAL and REAL emails here, right?

Remember MY PLaN to rid the world of misdirected emails? Every time I get something good sent to me by mistake, I’m sharing it. Right here. In a segment called Check Your Email, Dude (CYED).

* * * * *

You are now reading Episode #5 of the Jud & Bill series entitled Brotherly Love, chronicling the mundanely interesting goings-on in the daily lives of two brothers across the country from one another. For the last episode, click here.

[ Brotherly Love – Ep. 5 ]

7/22/11, 12:00pm

Jud,

Jean just handed me part of my breakfast.  I used to never eat breakfast or lunch.  Now, I am getting a steady flow of fruit, yogurt, whey, curds, rice cakes, hummus, sprouts and other unmentionables.  She put pesto on fish the other night, and I thought I had died and gone to heaven.  I have not seen a piece of red meat since the ads at McDonald’s that we PASS in the car.  It is 97 going on 112 today.  Tomorrow, we are headed to LA to see one of her daughter’s family members.  I am not too intimidated as I can hide in the trunk.  Went to Palm Springs last night for a street festival.  Palm Springs is 25% gay, with 92% of them being male. (No kidding.  They keep these statistics.)  I made sure that she held my hand and I didn’t look anyone in the eye.  (Smile)  We left without any altercations.  Will keep you informed.

Bill

 Could Jean & Mrs. J be one and the same? And … if so … why is a PIG serving breakfast? Might Bill’s overcompensating behavior in Palm Springs be an indicator of latent homosexuality?

Stay tuned for more adventures of Jud & Bill in our next episode of Check Your Email, Dude.

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