The Mystery of the Surprise Shoes – SOLVED!

Posted on December 27, 2012 | 17 comments

Remember the post I wrote last week about the surprise pair of size 9 strappy leather heels that showed up on my doorstep? I couldn’t figure out why (if he was ordering them for me) Dave had miscalculated my feet to be two sizes larger or why (if he was ordering them for himself) he’d miscalculated his feet to be three sizes smaller. Never mind the fact that they don’t match any of his suits at all.

But now it all makes sense. Because I got a call from Discover. It seems my credit card was stolen just before the holidays. Which prompts me to write ….

Dear Despicable, Lowlife, Smells-Like-Bad-Things Larcenist,

The jig is up!

I’m not sure who you are or how you managed to appropriate the numbers on my credit card … but you will get nothing from me and mine this year. The shoes you selected for yourself or some barefooted loved one are now safely in my possession. I have no idea what I’m doing with them yet. I could donate them to a number of friends who will gaudily bejewel and bedazzle them to create spectacular throws for the widely-popular Muses parade held in these parts a few days before Mardi Gras.

I’ve also considered using them as a hammer as the sturdy wooden heel would serve this purpose well. Or I could use one to level my old rickety washing machine. Oooh! Or the wood could help Herve keep his teeth filed down to an acceptable length for a hamster. There are so many possibilities that I just can’t decide. In any event, YOU will not be receiving them … as you were somehow wily enough to steal my credit card and yet too stupid to change the shipping address on your shoe order. Dumb … and might I add … ass.

And, while we’re on the subject of your stupidity …. my friends and I are curious why, if you had the ability to purchase a full spectrum of fashionable shoes across the globe and clearly no morals with which to accessorize them, you would elect to buy a cheap shit pair on clearance for $7.26.

You’re not very good at this life of crime business.

Which also reminds me … your repeated attempts to find an online friend at buddies4you.com as well as your clumsy efforts to purchase tickets via Delta Airlines have left a paper trail right to your front door (meaning your computer, jack ass) and thus your days of online shopping with (aka STEALING) my and the rest of the world’s money are coming to an end.

I hope you had a Merry Christmas as 2013 is likely to start getting a little suckier for you.

Sincerely,

The Rightful Owner of the Discover Card

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* * * * * Free to Good Home!!! * * * * * 

If you wear a size 9 ladies shoe and are interested in taking these babies off my hands at no expense to me, please let me know by leaving a comment below. I will also be advertising their availability on both my ODNT and personal Facebook sites. Let me know why you want them and what you plan to do with them and I’ll pick a “winner” very soon.

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My Top 5 Christmas Songs (Well, sort of …)

Posted on December 24, 2012 | 8 comments

It’s almost Christmas … so who has time to read?!!? I’m giving you a very simple post today. Here are the Top 5 memorable songs from My Christmases Past. They’re in no particular order and there are probably way more than five. Whatever. Please enjoy them as you bake pies/wrap a bicycle/travel to Grandma’s/shop for a Magic Bullet/pull your hair out today. And feel free to skip the write-ups and just listen to the songs. Sometimes I bore me, too.

(1) Do They Know It’s Christmas? … How could I not include this one? I still love it so much. I think it’s the 1984-ness of it all. I actually wrote a whole post about it this time last year. The “altercation” between Boy George and George Michael still tickles me.

(2) Little Toy Trains …. Go ahead. Make fun. It’s from the Donny & Marie Christmas Special in (I’m going to estimate) 1979 because we owned a VCR to tape it. In it, he sings to his first child. And I just loved it. (I always promised I’d be honest here, didn’t I?)

(3) Little Drummer Boy/Peace on Earth … I’m one of the few people in my circles who actually remembers seeing this original airing on the Bing Crosby Christmas Special in 1977. I have my mom to thank for that. She’s always been a huge fan of all things Bing and thus I was fortunate enough to see the last annual special (variety show-style) when it aired in the late 70s. David Bowie joined the ranks of Michael Landon, Roy Clark, Carol Burnett, Connie Francis, Twiggy and several others I likely wouldn’t have known existed otherwise back then.

(4) Snow Miser/Heat Miser – From The Year Without a Santa Claus created by Rankin & Bass in 1974. This annual special was always one of my favorites, so much so that I tried in vain to get my hands on one of those little dancing Snow Misers back in the 90s when the internet became everyone’s best friend. I was lucky enough to hear back from one of their sons but learned that almost none of these little characters were actually stored and preserved. Boo!

(5) Hang Up Your Stocking – From Christmas with the Chipmunks (1963). No, I’m not actually THAT old (even though every song I included prior to this one would suggest it). My grandmother owned the album and I had lots of cousins older than me so I think I was born knowing every word to every song on it. This song was always one of my favorites. And it locked itself in as number one when my daughter learned it as a toddler and consistently butchered the title lyrics with “Hang Up Your Stop It” yelled with a big smile every time she sang it. We still sing it “wrong” around the house every time it’s on.

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Anyway, that’s it. In no particular order. And, by no means, my complete list. I doubt I’ll be writing again until after Christmas. The short post I wrote on Christmas Day last year is still my least viewed post of all time … so I’ll probably just stick to enjoying my family. And you should do the same. 🙂

Happy Holidays!

My Skewed View

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Weekend at Herve’s

Posted on December 23, 2012 | 7 comments

Happy Holidays from the ODNT Family!

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Yep, I did it. I not only put the crazy cat on the Christmas card. I also included the scruffy, little hamster. Apparently, if there is a weight limit to appear on our holiday card, it’s at least five ounces. So, in addition to our families and friends, Dave, Dean, Vivien and the cat, I now also find myself gift shopping for a rodent. He’s become a pretty important fixture around here. Enough so that he even rated apparel on our annual greeting. (Thanks, Littlest Pet Shop.)

Anyway, it’s finally getting colder around these parts and I’ve noticed that Herve seems a little more sluggish than usual. It’s probably just because he’s chilly and in dire need of new, feces-free vermin bedding. (Don’t forget Herve, Santa!) And I was thinking … (clearing throat to indicate that I’m about to be inappropriate where Herve is concerned) … if anything does happen to Herve, might I be able to perpetuate his existence until the holiday has passed? I mean …. if Andrew McCarthy and Jonathan Silverman could pull it off with their boss to fool the mafia, how hard could it be with a tiny hamster?

Right?

He seems easily poseable and I could likely manipulate the clocks to convince everyone here that it’s daytime and thus his appearance of deep sleep is merely attributed to his nocturnal nature. I could also probably put a motor in the hamster wheel to kill a little time. A running hamster can only be interpreted as a live hamster, yes?

Hmmm. What else am I forgetting? ….. Ooooh! Sunglasses! They used dark sunglasses all the time in that stupid movie. And they got them out of trouble over and over (and over!) again. So I need some hamster-sized sunglasses ASAP. Does anyone have any? I’m kind of thinking Ray Bans would work with his facial shape. And I would hate to add the illusion of extra weight to the little guy when he can’t speak for himself.

The entire situation might actually wind up being a good thing for everybody. (Except, of course, Herve.) Everyone in those movies was always partying in a beach house and the whole, far-fetched ruse was so successful that the characters managed to get a second movie out of it. (FOUR YEARS LATER. I still don’t understand that.) Maybe Weekend at Herve’s would provide comedic posts filled with hilarious hijinks for a whole year! Just think of the possibilities!

But I’m getting ahead of myself ….

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Even as I type, Herve is resting comfortably on his Ratatouille washcloth and subpar varmint bedding. I’m sure he’ll be fine. Which is a good thing. I just like to let my imagination stretch its legs and get out to play every once in a while.

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‘Twas the Night Before Christmas – Take Two

Posted on December 20, 2012 | 13 comments

A year ago, I wrote a post about one of the most famous poems ever written. I came across it recently … “and I laughed when I read it, in spite of myself.” Okay, fine. So that’s not exactly how the poem goes. Which is sort of the whole point. It was tough coming up with a second set of jokes for some of these stanzas. But I managed. Or maybe I mangled. Either way, it’s pretty much the same word.

So, with that, I give you ‘Twas the Night Before Christmas – Mystery Science Theater 3000-Style – TAKE TWO!

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‘Twas the night before Christmas
When all through the house
Not a creature was stirring
Not even a mouse

  • Technically, he’s not a mouse. But I bet Herve’s going to be doing some serious nocturnal “stirring” on Christmas Eve. Does anyone know what the Benadryl dosage would be for a hamster? He weighs just over 5 ounces.

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Here’s the proof. And now I have to throw away that food bowl.

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And here’s how much he weighs when he’s blurry. 

The stockings were hung 
By the chimney with care
In hopes that St. Nicholas
Soon would be there

  • I’m glad the elf brought us a new “H” stocking for Herve. Originally, we planned to use the cat’s old one with an “M” on it. And, if Herve asked, the plan was to tell him that the stocking stood for “MY Herve.” Honestly, I don’t know what would have pissed him off more … the fact that we thought he was stupid enough to fall for that lame explanation OR the fact that he was expected to use Milo’s hand-me-downs.

The children were nestled
All snug in their beds
While visions of sugar plums
Danced in their heads

  • I just paid a dental bill on TWO fillings for one of my kids. So, there will be NO sugar plums, Sugar Smacks, sugar cookies, Sugar Babies, Sugar Daddies or even sugar snap peas. Yes, I know we still need three syllables for the poem. How about “While visions of toothbrushes danced in their heads?” No? What about dental floss? Fluoride rinse? Fine. I’ll keep thinking.

And mama in her kerchief
And I in my cap
Had just settled our brains
For a long winter’s nap

  • The day I go to sleep with a kerchief on is the day you people can finally come commit me. A kerchief? Who wears those? I mean … besides the Brady girls. And it always meant they were going to be doing some kind of serious cleaning in that episode.

When out on the lawn
There arose such a clatter
I sprang from my bed
To see what was the matter

  • OMG, really? I already go to bed late enough that night. You know what I want for Christmas, Santa? Sleep. On Christmas Eve and every night for that matter. So, please … keep it down.

Away to the window
I flew like a flash
Tore open the shudders
And threw up the sash

  • Why all the fancy-pants window dressing? I merely have curtains in my room. From J.C. Penney. You can look out the window in one easy step. And there’s no “tearing” or “throwing” involved. It sounds so violent.

The moon on the breast
Of the new-fallen snow
Gave the luster of midday
To objects below

  • Beavis and Butthead would have a field day with this stanza. Seriously, I have looked up “breast” on ten different dictionary-style websites. And none of them stray from the mammary gland. What the hell, Mr. Moore?

When what to my wondering
Eyes should appear
But a miniature sleigh
And eight tiny reindeer

  • I would think that a sleigh large enough to carry the big guy not to mention at least one present for every kid around the globe would be described as anything but “miniature.” And “tiny” reindeer? Animals capable of towing this load would have to be ‘roided up Clydesdales. … Wouldn’t they?

With a little old driver
So lively and quick
I knew in a moment
It must be St. Nick

  • A little old driver named Nick makes him sound like a cabbie from a 1970s sitcom.

More rapid than eagles
His coursers they came
And he whistled and shouted
And called them by name

  • Anyone who whistles or shouts once my kids finally pass out on Christmas Eve is getting a brick of coal chucked firmly at his head.

Now Dasher, Now Dancer
Now Prancer and Vixen
On Comet, On Cupid
On Donner and Blitzen

  • Originally, these names were all slated as tribute names for the Hunger Games trilogy. “Now Katniss, Now Peeta, Now Foxface and Glimmer …”

To the top of the porch
To the top of the wall
Now dash away, dash away
Dash away all

  • Since I have one-story home, might you consider just landing on the lawn for a change? Or, better yet, on my neighbor’s roof? You can’t seriously hop from rooftop to rooftop. Aren’t you like the mailman? You park, handle a number of houses in close proximity, then return to your vehicle to relocate it for the next set of houses. Right?

As dry leaves that before
The wild hurricane fly
When they meet with an obstacle
Mount to the sky

  • As a kid, this stanza was always my LEAST FAVORITE of this poem. Which is weird because … WHAT OTHER KID DO YOU KNOW WHO’S DECLARED A LEAST FAVORITE STANZA IN ANY POEM? (Nerd.)

So up to the housetop
The coursers they flew
With a sleigh full of toys
And St. Nicholas, too

  • They’re always on the tops of houses, but what of those who don’t have chimneys? Sure, we have one NOW. But it was a pretty uphill climb that my parents took us on with the whole “Santa has a key that fits every lock” story back in the day.

And then in a twinkling
I heard on the roof
The prancing and pawing
Of each little hoof

  • If I hear pawing or scratching at my ceiling or walls during the night, I will be found hiding in the back of my closet in the fetal position clutching a vial of holy water and a crucifix.

As I drew in my head
And was turning around
Down the chimney St. Nicholas
Came with a bound

  • Nope. Never mind. I stand corrected. A fat killer sliding down my chimney is what would send me into the closet.

He was dressed all in fur
From his head to his foot
And his clothes were all tarnished
With ashes and soot

  • Fine. A fat, DIRTY killer.

A bundle of toys
He had flung on his back
And he looked like a peddler
Just opening his pack

  • He’s reaching into his … HELP! HE’S GOT A GUN!

His eyes how they twinkled
His dimples how merry
His cheeks were like roses
His nose like a cherry

  • Oh, thank God. He was just reaching for his flask. Man, that dude is completely juiced. “Ten lordza-dancing. Nine ladies swimming. SEVEN … I MEAN …. EIGHT GOLDEN GEESE!!!! (hiccup) Four calling hens …. ” (thud)

His droll little mouth
Was drawn up like a bow
And the beard of his chin
Was as white as the snow

  • I know I sound like a hypocrite here but I do not think we should be making fun of the old drunk’s mouth.

The stump of his pipe
He held tight in his teeth
And the smoke, it encircled his head
Like a wreath

  • A pipe?!!? Oh, God. Please be ordinary tobacco …. please be ordinary tobacco …

He had a broad face
And a round little belly
That shook when he laughed
Like a bowl full of jelly

  • I really don’t think we should kick a man when he’s down. “Shut up, you guys. Can you believe Fatty’s still trying to pull off that furry track suit? I’m surprised the Red Cross hasn’t declared him a total fashion disaster.” 

He was chubby and plump
A right jolly, old elf
And I laughed when I saw him
In spite of myself

  • Well, now I just sound like a jerk.

A wink of his eye
And a twist of his head
Soon gave me to know
I had nothing to dread

  • Oh, God. I think he’s making a pass at me.

He spoke not a word
But went straight to his work
And filled all the stockings
Then turned with a jerk

  • Crap. That’s me. I’M the jerk with whom he’s turning. Damn it. Why did I have to laugh at his obesity?

And laying his finger
Aside of his nose
And giving a nod
Up the chimney he rose

  • I always thought this seemed like a baseball signal. Or maybe a cue from the Mafia.

He sprang to his sleigh
To his team gave a whistle
And away they all flew
Like the down of a thistle

  • Anyone know what that means? I didn’t so I looked it up. It’s that white feathery weed you blew on as a kid to make a wish. I can still remember my old neighbor saying, “DON’T BLOW THAT CRAP ALL OVER MY YARD! GO IN YOUR OWN YARD TO SPREAD WEEDS, YOU BRAINLESS WONDER!” Aaaah, memories.

Then I heard him exclaim
As he drove out of sight
Happy Christmas to all
And to all a good night

  • He really tore out of here fast. We are sure he LEFT things at all the houses, right? Wait. Where’s my purse?!!? 

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That Suburban Momma

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“… Two Turtle Doves … and Some Brown Shoes That Do Not Fit Me”

Posted on December 18, 2012 | 5 comments


My Dearest Shoe Fairy,

While I am certainly a big fan of your work, I must confess that I am grossly disappointed with your sloppy effort this season. Imagine my surprise when upon my doorstep I found a package bearing my address and unmistakably containing a pair of new shoes I thought were meant just for me. Until I opened them.

If you’re going to go to the trouble to commit mail fraud and basically steal for me, let’s get one thing straight. I wear a size 6.5 to 7. Oh, and I most definitely would not wear these shoes. Especially in winter. Even for free.

Next time, can we try for black, maybe a fun high boot with a mid-heel? Or something like that. Just not these.

Thanks anyway,

Michele

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To my new friends at GrabThoseShoes.com,

A pair of shoes (addressed to my husband Dave) were recently sent in error to my home. They were not my size nor my style and I have never ordered anything from your website. And, unless my husband is leading a double life, I’m pretty sure these oversized women’s high heels are not intended for him either. After waiting in a holiday line for nearly an hour, I tried to return them at your expense at the post office but was told I was going to be charged $9 for shipping then another $12 for packaging and so on. 

The shoes themselves only sold for $7.26. (The original Nine West price was $49.95. What a steal!) Anyway, unless you want to send me a pre-paid shipping label and packaging so that I can return them at no cost to me, I’ll be finding a larger-footed friend upon whom I shall bestow this fashionable gift.

Please let me know at your earliest convenience how you wish to proceed as I’m ready to get this box out of my house.

Yours in fabulous footwear, 

Michele

Will the shoe fairy deliver the boots?

What is GrabThoseShoes going to do about this order?

And might their website have other deals as good as this one?

Stay tuned for the answers to these and other questions in our next installment about the lost shoes. At this point, I have no idea what it will be called or when it will post. Just .. stay tuned. … Fine. I’ll bring snacks.

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Ketchup With Us #8

Posted on December 15, 2012 | 14 comments

Today we’re talking about family traditions during the holidays. Some of them have been passed down from generation to generation. Others are born suddenly when we decide to do something new on the spur of the moment. Some are time-honored and enveloped in sentiment. Others just make us pull out our hair and get fat. In any event, we all have them. And today Mel and I want to share ours with you … and invite you to do the same with us.

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Every year, my kids and I visit the mall to see Santa. (I’m lucky they still indulge me.) Afterwards, we get Frozen Eggnogs at the little frogurt stand next door. One day, I’m going to punch the owner, who refuses to rename his product, squarely in the jaw.

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Hello? You’re behind Santa’s Village for crying out loud!

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“You’ve also got a typo in there, dumb ass!” I’ll yell over my shoulder, drunk with power …and possibly holiday spirits, as the mall cops drag me from the mall.

Oh, wait. You guys wanted happy? Fine. Fine. Far be it from me to Ebenezer up the place. Since I mentioned Santa pictures, please allow me to share the first one my kids ever took together and the last. (Here’s hoping I can get another one out of them this year.

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For a quick explanation of this link-up, click here. In short, Mel and I will post a picture or video with a writing prompt on the 1st and 15th of every month. You can write your entry in any form. We love creativity. And, with each prompt, we’ll feature a writer from the previous link-up. Which reminds me …

Our esteemed Ketchup With Us Featured Writer for today is …

KBar3 – MMR

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The Rules of Play

  1. Submit your entry using the linky at the bottom of one of our KWU posts.
  2. Follow us on Facebook (Michele /Mel).
  3. Follow us on Twitter (Michele/Mel) & tweet us your entry with the hashtag #KetchupWithUs.

Grab our Button!

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‘KETCHUP WITH US’ – Prompt #8

In 57 words or less, tell about one of your family’s holiday traditions. (NOTE: I didn’t say you had to LIKE the tradition.)

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The Baby Food Diet – Wrap-Up!

Posted on December 12, 2012 | 19 comments

WAIT!

BEFORE YOU READ THIS POST ….  I highly recommend reading the following posts first. And, by “highly recommend,” I mean you’re not going to know what the snot I’m talking about unless you do. Don’t worry. They’re not long. As I am mostly illiterate.
A Quick Explanation of my Shenanigans
The Daily Journals … Day One – Day Two – Day Three – Day Four – Day Five

Seriously, read those first. …. Don’t just keep reading. … It will be much funnier and make much more sense. I promise! Have I ever lied to you before?!!?

Today’s Weight – 117.3

I am somewhere between 5’3″ and 5’4.” I am not a crazy person. Well, mostly not a crazy person. I would love to be 115 pounds for Christmas. Do I expect to reach that goal during this five-day experiment? Probably not. I’m weak and it’s only five days. Still, I figured any weight I could shave off BEFORE the onslaught of holiday gluttony is a good thing, right? Of course right.

I just made myself laugh. (That happens more than it probably should.) I was writing today’s wrap-up and creating a link to yesterday’s post. And I entered the same codes I’ve been using every day. For example, yesterday’s installment entitled “Baby Food Diet – Day 5” would be abbreviated to “BFD – Day 5.” B – F – D. Baby Food Diet. Of course, that’s not how Urban Dictionary defines it. Their interpretation is a little different. A little stronger …

Big … F(hi, Mom!)ucking … Deal

I like the parallel meanings for the acronym. And I think they both apply here. Because it is a pretty BFD that I managed to stick to the BFD for five straight days with no cheating. I really wanted to do it. To see if I could. To challenge myself a little. To laugh at myself a lot. And to write about all of it. So, to close things out properly, I conducted a little interview with myself today. It was tricky getting an appointment with me. I am apparently a very busy person. And I don’t always return my calls. But I finally tracked me down to ask a few questions. Here’s how it went.

Q: Thanks for agreeing to meet with me today on such short notice. Tell us how you heard about the diet. And would you recommend it?

“Well, The Baby Food Diet is one of the crazier get-thin-quick fads to come out of Hollywood. It’s credited to celebrity trainer Tracy Anderson and linked to actresses like Jennifer Aniston, Reese Witherspoon, Gwyneth Paltrow, Lady Gaga and Marcia Cross. And, while I certainly don’t recommend it as a lifestyle, it’s an easy way to drop a few pounds quickly before a big event you might have on the weekend.”

Q: Will you ever do it again?

“Who knows? Maybe … if I ever have three days to fit into a dress or something. Honestly, after the third day, my body adjusted to the lack of salt and sugar, like a Sugar Busters dieter, and I felt fine. I even got to where the food didn’t taste too bad. Except that blasted Macaroni & Cheese. I’m going to have nightmares about that one for a long time.” (insert canned laughter)

Q: How was it going back on real food?

“I was a little nervous about the transition. I didn’t want to jump in too quickly and shock my digestive system. So, oddly enough, the first thing I ate was squash soup. Not my recipe but something I bought from Williams-Sonoma. It’s not a far cry from the stuff I’ve been sustaining myself on for the last five days. Still, there were small bits of garlic in it and the whole thing had plenty of grown-up seasonings … including salt! It didn’t take much to fill me up. And isn’t that sort of the point of a diet?”

Q: And what about your big epicurean feast tonight?

“That question can probably best be answered in picture. So to close out the BFD series, I want to share a photo journal of my evening with the family at Bud’s Broiler, a New Orleans institution since the 1950s. As you can see, I absolutely hated it.” (more canned laughter, mixed with a little booing from a few audience members who don’t get the joke)

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That concludes our Baby Food Diet series.

So until the next inspiration of perfect dumbassery hits … Ta-Ta!

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Revisiting an old favorite for MamaKat’s writing prompt asking for a blog post inspired by the word challenge. This post is the last in a series (all posts leading up to it are linked at the top of this one) about following a strict BABY FOOD DIET CHALLENGE for five days! I definitely started to get a little oatmeal-headed there at the end.

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The Baby Food Diet – Day Five

Posted on December 11, 2012 | 11 comments

For a quick explanation of my shenanigans, click here.
Want to read about it from the beginning? Day One – Day Two – Day Three – Day Four

Today’s Weight – 118.1

I am somewhere between 5’3″ and 5’4.” I am not a crazy person. Well, mostly not a crazy person. I would love to be 115 pounds for Christmas. Do I expect to reach that goal during this five-day experiment? Probably not. I’m weak and it’s only five days. Still, I figured any weight I could shave off BEFORE the onslaught of holiday gluttony is a good thing, right? Of course right.

So here we are. Day Five. What can I write about baby food? What … can … I … write? Wow. Five days is kind of a long time, huh? The funny thing is that about a day or so ago I stopped craving real food so intently. Yeah, I think that’s super weird, too. And it’s hard to be witty on baby brain. I guess that’s why babies don’t speak much and everyone claps when they do something as simple as smile. Not to worry though. I’ll be back to splitting atoms and completing algebraic equations once the fat and carbs kick in. Until then, here’s a fun little allegory about what’s happening tomorrow.

Okay. So, in this film clip, the Indian = me and Christopher Lloyd = you. And the water fountain? Well, since it’s the apparatus he used to break free of his shackles, I think it represents the cheeseburger* that I’m going to ingurgitate tomorrow. Except that I am so not throwing it out the window. Seriously, it could hit the greasy floor and I would still eat it. But that’s a bet for a future post, isn’t it?

*Be sure to vote in the poll at the bottom of this post to help me decide which food shall be my emancipator.

Still need proof of my commitment? Well, then you’re just mean. But I’ll give you another picture anyway.

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Vivien said that, since I started this regimen, our garbage has been very “loud.” Today I realized why. It’s all those baby food jars clanking against the beer bottles. Although my jars seem to outnumber Dave’s bottles ten to one. I think it’s time to admit I might have a problem.

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I’ll probably have a few jars left over tomorrow, freak show … and they’re yours.

Today’s intake, as logged into the ‘My Fitness Pal’ app on my phone:

  • 9:22am – Gerber Bananas (6 oz., 140 calories)
  • 12:20pm – Gerber Graduates Maple Cream Waffle Wheels (3 pieces, 25 calories)
  • 12:59pm – Gerber Chicken Noodle (6 oz., 120 calories)
  • 1:06pm – Beech Nut Squash & Apples (4oz., 60 calories)
  • 1:14pm – Gerber Graduates Lil Crunchies Mild Cheddar Snacks (18 pieces, 35 calories)
  • 3:16pm – Gerber Graduates Maple Cream Waffle Wheels (3 pieces, 25 calories)
  • 3:17pm – Black decaf coffee with Splenda. A terrible idea from start to finish. (Remember, I don’t drink coffee.)
  • 3:57pm – Earth’s Best Spaghetti with Cheese (6 oz., 90 calories)
  • 4:16pm – Earth’s Best Rice & Lentil Dinner (4 oz., 70 calories)
  • 6:02pm – 1/2 avocado (142 calories)
  • 6:45pm – Earth’s Best Spring Vegetables & Pasta (6 oz., 120 calories)
  • 7:44pm – Gerber Graduates Lil Crunchies Mild Cheddar Snacks (18 pieces, 35 calories)
  • 9:50pm – Beech Nut Apple & Strawberries (4 oz., 90 calories)
  • 9:52pm – Ella’s Kitchen Milk & Vanilla Baby Cookies (1 cookie, 31 calories)
  • 9:55pm – Earth’ Best Winter Squash (4 oz., 40 calories)
Total calories for the day – 1023
Things We’ve Learned and/or Questioned Along the Way
  • Having your skinny pants fit perfectly is pretty freakin’ cool.
  • I’m aware of the fact that, as soon as I have so much as a bite of toast, I’m going to balloon up faster than Sherman Klump.
  • If you eat enough baby food, you will in fact start to smell like baby food. I’d like to think people thought I was a new mom again. But with my luck they probably just thought I was a young (and obviously  involved) grandmother.
  • I realize why I miss dairy so much. I’ve had plenty of fruits, vegetables, “meats,” and starches but I’ve just about completely overlooked my dairy. Because babies under one are either drinking formula or (second vomit belch) nursing. And while I was a supplier for nearly four years, I draw the line at being a consumer.
  • I dodged a bullet today when I attended my girl’s choir concert. Thank God only the kids were admitted to the hotel’s holiday lunch. I wasn’t ready to pull out my baby food jars in front of a bunch of parents who trust me to watch their children from time to time.

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 A gratuitous picture from today’s concert. Them’s my skinny pants.

Oh, and one more thing. VOTE IN THE POLL! I’m finally eating real food tomorrow and you guys know I can’t be left to decide these things for myself. Cross your fingers that my infantile digestive system handles everything beautifully.

.

The final weigh-in and wrap up will posted tomorrow following my food-induced coma.

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The Baby Food Diet – Day Four

Posted on December 10, 2012 | 7 comments

For a quick explanation of my shenanigans, click here.
Want to read about it from the beginning? Day One – Day Two – Day Three

Today’s Weight – 119.4

I am somewhere between 5’3″ and 5’4.” I am not a crazy person. Well, mostly not a crazy person. I would love to be 115 pounds for Christmas. Do I expect to reach that goal during this five-day experiment? Probably not. I’m weak and it’s only five days. Still, I figured any weight I could shave off BEFORE the onslaught of holiday gluttony is a good thing, right? Of course right.

So I have a theory. Want to hear it? (Nod your head, damn it.) I know the secret behind the Baby Food Diet. Let’s take a look at what’s happening in my skull approximately ten times each day, shall we?

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ME: (pensively … or as pensive as a dumbass subsisting on baby food can be) I’m hungry. What do I want to eat? … What to eat? … What to eat? Well, there’s Rice & Lentil dinner … or Spaghetti in Tomato Sauce with Beef … or Plums, Bananas & Brown Rice …. um …. Wow. You know what? I’m good. I think I’m just going to go to bed.

The soft stuff is like cat food. Or cat puke. I can’t decide. (Either way, I get it now, Milo.) And the “hard” stuff, like my cookies, tastes like dog treats. Or so I am told. I should probably test that theory. In any event, it’s probably a good thing I decided to go public with this thing to keep me motivated. And honest.

The bottom line is … I miss food. Like a dear, departed friend. And I realized that I haven’t allowed myself to grieve properly. So today, inside of about three minutes, I pushed though the five stages of grief.

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1. DENIAL (top left) – “This is going to be awesome. Piece of cake. My babies were great eaters. How bad can it be? Maybe I can even find something with cheese in it.”

2. ANGER (top right) – “WHAT THE …” (gagging) “WHO IN THEIR RIGHT MIND WOULD EAT THIS CRAP?” (throwing jar at wall) “YOU SUCK, GERBER!” (to anyone dumb enough to call) “NO! I DO NOT WANT TO GO OUT FOR PIZZA, YOU JACKASS! CAN’T YOU SEE I’M EATING MY F*CKING ‘MIXED SPRING VEGETABLES WITH PASTA?’ GOD, YOU’RE SUCH AN IDIOT!!”

3. BARGAINING (bottom left) – “PLEASE. PLEASE … There’s got to be something palatable out there. Can someone PLEASE tell me something that I can eat that won’t leave that icky sweet aftertaste in my mouth? Seriously, I’m going to kill somebody today. PLEEEEEEEEEASE.”

4. DEPRESSION (bottom right) – “It doesn’t matter anymore.” (dripping squash down chin) “It all tastes the same anyway. Why even try to find a  good one anymore?” (crying … ironically like a baby) “No. Thanks anyway.” (to nobody in particular) “Whatever. I’m off to bed.”

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5. ACCEPTANCE: “Um … well, I have lost three pounds so far. And tomorrow is the last day. Plus Baby Cheetos rock. Thank you, Baby Cheetos. I love you, Baby Cheetos.”

Still need proof of my commitment? I chugged that last mother like I was still in college and it was coming through a funnel. Jar THREE of THREE. HARD … (vomit belch) … CORE.

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Today’s intake, as logged into the ‘My Fitness Pal’ app on my phone:

  • 8:15am – Gerber Bananas (6 oz., 140 calories)
  • 8:23am – Gerber Graduates Banana Cream Waffle Wheels (3 pieces, 25 calories)
  • 11:30am – Gerber Macaroni & Cheese (4 oz., 80 calories)
  • 11:35am – Beech Nut Squash & Apples (4oz., 60 calories)
  • 11:44am – Ella’s Kitchen Milk & Vanilla Baby Cookies (1 cookie, 31 calories)
  • 3:28pm – Beech Nut Apples & Blueberries (4 oz., 80 calories)
  • 3:30pm – Gerber Graduates Lil Crunchies Mild Cheddar Snacks (18 pieces, 35 calories)
  • 4:30pm –  Diet Coke (At the grocery. It was that or the whole candy section. Or the delicious looking fat dude on aisle 3.)
  • 5:00pm – 1/2 avocado (125 calories) – Thanks, Mel, for the tip! Babies eat raw, saltless avocado.
  • 5:15pm – Gerber Turkey, Rice & Vegetables (6 oz., 130 calories)
  • 5:41pm – Earth’s Best Corn & Butternut Squash (4 oz., 70 calories)
  • 9:oopm – Gerber Apples & Bananas with Mixed Cereal (6 oz., 110 calories)
  • 10:59pm – Gerber Graduates Lil Crunchies Mild Cheddar Snacks (18 pieces, 35 calories)
  • 11:02pm – Beech Nut Apricot, Apples & Pears (4 oz., 110 calories)
Total calories for the day – 1031
Things We’ve Learned and/or Questioned Along the Way

There are too many freakin’ pictures of my face on today’s post. Sorry. I’m not in my right mind and have no intention of redoing this shit.

I STILL WANT SALT! And also cheese. (That’s weird. Why didn’t I yell cheese? I want it even more.)

I want to compete on Survivor. I’ve never seen the show but feel I could now kick ass on it.

After three days, my appetite is dramatically decreased. I realize that’s a mixed blessing. It’s probably a good thing I have only one day to go.

I fear all of my weight loss is coming from my cheeks. Sadly, I mean the ones on my face.

Oh, and one more thing. I’ve got another poll for you. Yes, it’s true. I haven’t been (overly) plagued by gastrointestinal issues so far. But the term “explosive diarrhea” comes to mind again when I think about being set loose the day after tomorrow. I’ve already been asked several times on Twitter what I’m going to binge on first. And my sweet boy told his dad we need to go out to dinner to celebrate the end of this thing on Wednesday. But I can’t decide where.

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The Baby Food Diet – Day Three

Posted on December 9, 2012 | 8 comments

For a quick explanation of my shenanigans, click here.
Want to read about it from the beginning? Day One – Day Two

Today’s Weight – 119.8

I am somewhere between 5’3″ and 5’4.” I am not a crazy person. Well, mostly not a crazy person. I would love to be 115 pounds for Christmas. Do I expect to reach that goal during this five-day experiment? Probably not. I’m weak and it’s only five days. Still, I figured any weight I could shave off BEFORE the onslaught of holiday gluttony is a good thing, right? Of course right.

It’s Day Three. Know what that means? It means that at noon today I hit the halfway mark on this thing. Two and half days down, two and a half to go. Hey! I can still do math. That’s awesome. Because I’ve started to feel a little stupid. Not because I’ve solemnly vowed to all of you that I’d eat nothing but baby food for five days straight (I’m freakishly proud of that) but rather because my diet consists solely of food meant to provide mental staying power for a human whose age is still represented in months. As I see it, the fact that I’m holding my head up independently, handling my own spoon and walking without hanging on to the sofa is HUGE! How many babies do you know that can do all that after only a few days?

Oh, and I have a few more awards to give out today.

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SMELLS MOST LIKE PUKE

This swill is from yesterday. It wins hands down. Milo had a freakin’ field day when I unleashed it. And I ate it with my nose pinched. I am totally serious.

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TASTES MOST LIKE SOMETHING I WOULD EAT WHILE NOT ON THIS DIET

Split Pea & Carrot Soup. Who knew? I don’t even think I like real Split Pea Soup. But this one was amazing. Okay, maybe that’s a bit of an exaggeration. Let’s just say it was … palatable. After I added a trinity of saltless spices (onion, garlic & chili powders) to it. Of course, I only bought one jar of it.

Still need proof of my commitment? Remember the Macaroni & Cheese sludge I ate yesterday? The one I’m awarding ‘TASTES MOST LIKE PUKE?” Well, I stupidly bought three of these mothers. And far be it from me to “starve babies” and waste this disgusting shit important nutrition. So I am powering through. HARDCORE. Today, I forced down jar #2.

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And seriously??? BACK THE HELL OFF, MILO!!! This one’s Apples, Mango & Kiwi. Where were you when I was choking down the freakin’ YACK & Cheese?

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Today’s intake, as logged into the ‘My Fitness Pal’ app on my phone:

  • 9:47am – Gerber Bananas (6oz., 140 calories)
  • 12:23pm – banana (90 calories)
  • 1:1opm – Gerber Macaroni & Cheese (4 oz., 80 calories)
  • 1:20pm – Earth’s Best Split Pea & Carrot Soup (6 oz., 110 calories)
  • 12:15pm – Gerber Graduates Banana CreamWaffle Wheels (3 pieces, 25 calories)
  • 2:25pm – Gerber Graduates Lil Crunchies Mild Cheddar (18 pieces, 35 calories)
  • 2:55pm – Ella’s Kitchen Milk & Vanilla Baby Cookies (1 cookie, 31 calories)
  • 4:48pm – Beech Nut Apples, Mango & Kiwi (4 oz., 80 calories)
  • 5:50pm – Gerber Graduates Lil Crunchies Mild Cheddar (18 pieces, 35 calories)
  • 6:05pm – Earth’s Best Tender Chicken & Stars (6 oz., 110 calories)
  • 6:15pm – Earth’s Best Winter Squash (4 oz., 40 calories)
  • 7:43om – Gerber Pears & Cinnamon with Oatmeal (3.5 oz., 7o calories)
  • 8:12pm – banana (90 calories)
  • 8:35pm –  Gerber Graduates Lil Crunchies Mild Cheddar (36 pieces, 70 calories)
  • 8:40pm – Ella’s Kitchen Milk & Vanilla Baby Cookies (1 cookie, 31 calories)
Total calories for the day – 1037 (Don’t judge. Exhausted. Compromised sleep weekend. I’m going to bed.)
 Things We’ve Learned and/or Questioned Along the Way

The icky sweet taste that has become a permanent fixture in my mouth might just make me go postal. A word of warning … Check the rooftops around you when you’re in open areas for the next two days.

I WANT SALT!

To my friends who worried that I would either be plagued with constipation or explosive diarrhea, know that as of today you have nothing to worry about. Forty-eight hours into the diet, I made things right by my intestinal system. And I did it on the POTTY! YAY!!! (claps hands) Oh, God. Am I regressing in that I am oddly proud of that?

And speaking of regressing, I think I’m getting dumber. For the life of me today, I couldn’t come up with the word ‘stapler.’ I stared at it, across the room on the shelf, grunting at it and wanting someone to hand it to me. And then I just went to get it myself. At least no one took it away from me when I finally got it. I think that’s what babies feel like every day. Poor, stupid babies.

Babies should be contestants on Fear Factor. They would kick ass in the eating-nasty-crap challenges.

Oh, and one more thing. I’m very excited to hear that some of you have chosen to join me on this bizarre and grueling journey. And I want to hear from you. We all do. In the comments, on Twitter, or whatever other desperate distress signal you want to send out. Hang in there!

.

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