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That’s It! I’M PULLING OUT THE STOPS!

Posted on February 13, 2013 | 6 comments

Remember Puss In Boots, everyone’s favorite rusty-colored, feline Don Juan from all the Shrek movies? I believe he first made an appearance in the second of the quadrilogy. And when he flashed those sad eyes … well, we and everyone else watching the movie were pretty much toast, weren’t we?

His puppy dog eyes (yes, I realize that’s ironic) get me every time.

And that gave me an idea.

I have an orange cat.

I have an orange cat with sweet eyes.

I have an orange cat with sweet eyes who would do anything for me.

Perfect!

Where’s that stupid cat? Milo. Miiiiiiiiiilllllllo. Here kitty, kitty, kitty …. Who’s a good kitty? Will you help mama? That’s a good boy. Just stand here and hold this little hat. That’s right. Take it with your paws. Okay, now I need you to stand there and look up at the cam— …… Owww! Stop!! No!! Ooooowwwww! Milo! Bad kitty! BAAAAAAD!! NO!!! What the HELL are you—??? …. OH, DEAR GOD!!! (fleeing room to grab crucifix and vial of holy water) ….

Well, maybe he will scare you into voting for me.

Because it’s the LAST DAY. Voting ends today at 6pm CST. And I absolutely swear the whole process takes only 5 seconds. Why do I care so much? Because if I place in the Top 25 Funny Moms, my blog gets pimped to 6 million new readers.

Yes, I said six MILLION.

That’s why I’ve been such a pain in the ass. And why I risked my life for you with Milo today.

So, please take five seconds for me today. And snatch the phones of everyone within arm’s length and do the same. My arms are now covered in cuts and scratches and I’m losing a lot of blood. I could really use your help.

* * * * * Got five seconds? * * * * *

Please click that FANCY PANTS PINK BALL (above) to visit the Circle of Moms site and vote for ODNT for Top 25 Funny Moms. I need this. I’m headed to the hospital for a rabies shot.

Don’t forget to vote for my other funny friends, too. AccordingToMags, HotMessMom and Sisterhood of the Sensible Moms. They’re hilarious ladies … and just good people, too.

Voting ends at 6pm CST today! Thanks!

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Tagged according to mags, circle of moms, hot mess mom, puppy dog eyes, puss in boots, puss in boots eyes, shrek, Sisterhood of the Sensible Moms, top 25 funny moms contest, vote for odnt

What Happens at the Million MILF March stays … well, actually, I’m spilling it all right here.

Posted on September 10, 2012 | 23 comments

This weekend, my friend Melissa and I participated in an event here in New Orleans aptly titled the Million Milf March. A two-day party benefiting the Friends in Need Foundation, the MMM was created and coordinated by a fellow writer & crazy person who goes by the name Hot Mess Mom (HMM). Funny thing is that she’s anything but. Clearly, this chick has run the show a few times before in her life.

The MMM weekend kicked off with a big party Friday night at Fulton on Tap. (For my New Orleans friends, that’s where The 12 Bar used to be.) There was a lot of great local food, booze, a live band and a charity auction. But I wasn’t there. I know. WHAT a loser. HMM’s going to have some pictures on her site soon. Tell her I said hi when you stop by to check them out.

Anyway … Saturday was a different story. We were there. All day. Melissa and I volunteered at the registration table so we got to Ernst Cafe bright and early at 8:30am. We took this picture as soon as we got there.

And I texted it to my mom and a few friends.

Obviously, I didn’t accurately explain where I was going to my friends and family.

We started with a couple of Bloody Marys, which hit the spot in the 120 degree heat. It was HMM’s 40th birthday so the fun had already started before we even got there. Plus, her husband surprised her by flying in for the event. (I know. Awww.) And Melissa and I sweated it out checking in lots of enthusiastic women (and men) over the next several hours.

The first hour of the pub crawl was held right there at Ernst Cafe. It was the perfect spot to get everyone warmed up for the next stop just down the street. The second hour was spent at the Red Eye and, clearly, the bartenders were more than ready for us. My brother lives around the corner so he met up with everybody at that point and just about fell over laughing when he saw what was going on inside.

This one’s my brother, by the way. He totally had his pants on the whole time.

Oh, and there were some incredible hula hoop dancers there. These ladies were soooo freakin’ good.

And they managed to get one of the bartenders out on the floor. It’s a pretty hilarious nine seconds.

And we still weren’t done. The third hour of the pub crawl was hosted by the Howlin’ Wolf, which is a premier music venue in the city who showed us all a great time. Where nobody took their pants off.

The last stop on the tour was Generations Hall who hosted the closing party with lots of food, Abita beer, music & dancing.

Plus a few other special activities. First, the lesson …

And then the test. Gravity really deserves all of the credit here. Sad, huh? Not only can I scratch this one off my career choices, but now I can’t even run for President!

Oh, yeah! And the photo booth. I almost forgot the photo booth. The first set is my brother and me. And the second is the two of us plus Melissa and her pal, Brian. What a buncha doofs …