Let’s get right to the point. I recently mentioned one of my big goals for 2014 is income. And just look what fell into my lap today! A GOLDEN opportunity. Thank you, Craigslist. And thank you, Drew Brees, because you and your likeness are going to score me $500 this month. Check it out.
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Drew = 6′ AND Me = 5′ 4″. Not a problem with the right footwear. I need to start Googling “platform cleats.”
Drew = 209 lbs. AND Me = Up-yours-it’s-right-after-holiday-season. Let’s just say he’s got about 8o to 90 lbs. on me. So I’ll either wear padding or start eating. (The latter seems much more likely.)
My son already has a #9 jersey but do I have to wear those stupid football pants? Never mind. You know what? I’m fully committed. But if I have to wear ass-huggers, I’m going with the black.
We both have brown hair, which is good, but mine still has traces of red Kool-Aid in it. Plus our styles are nothing alike. But can’t I just wear a helmet? Yep. Problem solved.
You guys don’t think I’d overlook this important detail, do you? It’s his calling card, for Pete’s sake. A little strategic make-up should do the trick.
Take a look at this picture of Drew and me at Book of Mormon last fall.
Look at the two of us, just hanging out with my friend, Vanessa. We’re like TWINS! Guess which one I am? Fine. I’ll give you a hint: pink stripes.
Oh, but I do still have one problem.
I don’t know jack about football.
Think they’d let me give a speech on musical theater???
Ever been told you have a twin? I have. A lot. And the faces to which I’m compared are usually famous ones to which I see little or no resemblance. Case in point: Janet Jackson? I’ve never gotten that one. I lack something there, but I just can’t quite put my finger on it.
And then there are the non-famous faces … like “that girl who sat behind me in Algebra class who always wore the Nirvana t-shirt with the big rip in the sleeve.” I never make their acquaintance and thus never get the chance to see how I really measure up to these poor souls.
A writing friend of mine (Hi, JD!) recently sent me a picture … a video really … of an event that took place in San Diego a year ago. She was surprised to see me there. And so was I. Because I wasn’t.
What do you think?
I attempted (somewhat lazily) to replicate the picture for dramatic effect.
After getting over the initial humor of the similarity (my son laughed OUT LOUD for ten minutes), I suddenly started to worry that maybe she was my evil twin. Or … even worse … maybe I’m the evil twin. (Although I almost never wear an eye patch and I haven’t used my freezing death ray in years.) I’ll bet she’s got better shoes. And she’s probably multi-lingual.
Do y’all think we could switch out lives like in The Parent Trap? Maybe I should be calling Lifetime to pitch an idea for The New Patty Duke Show. Except we wouldn’t call it The Patty Duke Show because that would be stupid. Oooh! Unless we could get Patty Duke to sign on as our Executive Producer … or maybe she could play our wisecracking old landlord.
The possibilities are endless. I’d better get right on it ….