It all started innocently enough. I was scrolling through my daily writing gigs when I came across one by Henkel, a worldwide business leader in the areas of home and beauty care based in Düsseldorf, Germany. (I should point out for clarity that the overeating, chocolate aficionado from the original Willy Wonka movie, Augustus Gloop, hails from the fictitious town of Düsselheim. I’d hate for you to lose the same kind of precious time that I did when researching that detail this week.)
Anyway … Henkel posted a job opportunity asking writers to create a 200 word post promoting their Flush to Paradise project and video below.
Unfortunately, I didn’t meet their “minimum qualifications.” Which, of course, prompted me to write a letter. I’m not sure I’ll ever hear back from them. But I hope they’re reading now because, meine deutschen freunde, I want you to know this. *I* can promote a toilet project as well or better than any fancy-pants 50 sverve.com scorer. Any. Day. Of. The. Week.
Why don’t you try me and see for yourself? Or at least reply to the email I just sent to half of your upper management.
Hi, new friends at Henkel.
I’m writing about a new opportunity your company just listed on sverve.com, a website designed to match up companies and online writers/bloggers for paid promotional jobs. (Hopefully) your listing can be viewed here … http://www.sverve.com/user/campaign/1394553189683/
Here’s my problem. Your minimum requirements for participation call for a sverve applicant score of 50 or higher. I’m still new to sverve … and growing … so my score presently stands at 33. But I’m not new to blogging. I’ve been hosting my website for more than two years now and have attended the last two international BlogHer conventions (NYC & Chicago) featuring thousands and thousands of bloggers from all over the world. I was even named a Top 25 Funny Mom by CircleOfMoms.com, a website boasting more than 6 million readers worldwide.
My point … and I DO have one (totally stole that from Ellen DeGeneres, but it’s okay because we’re both from New Orleans) is that I don’t think I should be excluded from your campaign. To date, I’ve written plenty of promotional posts and product reviews. And I always like put an interesting, personal spin on them so people will actually read and be engaged in what I write. That’s better for you AND for me.
Here are just a few samples. (I’ve got more if you’re interested. Or even still reading. Please still be reading.)
1. Ryobi Generator … https://olddognewtits.com/2013/10/08/talking-bout-my-generator/
2. Kiss Hairdryer … https://olddognewtits.com/2013/10/18/kiss-bad-hair-days-goodbye/
3. FoodSaver … https://olddognewtits.com/2013/10/11/save-anything-not-to-be-confused-with-the-80s-john-cusack-movie/
4. Soda Stream … https://olddognewtits.com/2013/09/24/bubble-bubble-no-toil-no-trouble/
5. Monster Headphones … https://olddognewtits.com/2013/08/17/what-do-i-have-to-do-to-get-you-in-a-pair-of-monsterinspiration-headphones-today/
But the most important reason you should include me is because of my dedication and years of experience both in toilet usage AND maintenance. I’ve been potty trained for literally decades now and consider myself somewhat of an expert in this area. Plus I’ve potty trained two kids. And cleaned my toilets I’d estimate an average of 847,624 times in my lifetime. Oh, and I’ve actually written two (TWO, HENKEL!) posts completely revolving around my toilet. One was even published in the New Orleans Picayune newspaper. (How many people can make that claim?)
They can be viewed here.
1. A Letter of Farewell to My Old Toilet … https://olddognewtits.com/2012/04/03/a-letter-of-farewell-to-my-old-toilet/
2. The Toilet Story (“inspired” by Hurricane Katrina) … https://olddognewtits.com/2012/08/28/the-toilet-story-inspired-by-hurricane-katrina/
So (beware, toilet puns approaching) all I ask is that you don’t flush away the opportunity for us to make a splash. I’ve got lots of ideas in the think tank. So let’s plunge in to this one together. We’re number 1! (Using number 2 here just seemed too gross, plus I was shooting for the top.)
Goodbye for now. I’ll be sitting by computer until you respond so please don’t take too long. My kids are bound to get hungry at some point.
Michele Robert Poche
Sometimes I fear I’m just helping the FBI build a thick case on me that will, one day, land me in a padded room. Although the privacy and in-room food delivery doesn’t sound half bad actually.