Monthly Archives: December 2012

The Baby Food Diet – Day Four

Posted on December 10, 2012 | 7 comments

For a quick explanation of my shenanigans, click here.
Want to read about it from the beginning? Day One – Day Two – Day Three

Today’s Weight – 119.4

I am somewhere between 5’3″ and 5’4.” I am not a crazy person. Well, mostly not a crazy person. I would love to be 115 pounds for Christmas. Do I expect to reach that goal during this five-day experiment? Probably not. I’m weak and it’s only five days. Still, I figured any weight I could shave off BEFORE the onslaught of holiday gluttony is a good thing, right? Of course right.

So I have a theory. Want to hear it? (Nod your head, damn it.) I know the secret behind the Baby Food Diet. Let’s take a look at what’s happening in my skull approximately ten times each day, shall we?

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ME: (pensively … or as pensive as a dumbass subsisting on baby food can be) I’m hungry. What do I want to eat? … What to eat? … What to eat? Well, there’s Rice & Lentil dinner … or Spaghetti in Tomato Sauce with Beef … or Plums, Bananas & Brown Rice …. um …. Wow. You know what? I’m good. I think I’m just going to go to bed.

The soft stuff is like cat food. Or cat puke. I can’t decide. (Either way, I get it now, Milo.) And the “hard” stuff, like my cookies, tastes like dog treats. Or so I am told. I should probably test that theory. In any event, it’s probably a good thing I decided to go public with this thing to keep me motivated. And honest.

The bottom line is … I miss food. Like a dear, departed friend. And I realized that I haven’t allowed myself to grieve properly. So today, inside of about three minutes, I pushed though the five stages of grief.

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1. DENIAL (top left) – “This is going to be awesome. Piece of cake. My babies were great eaters. How bad can it be? Maybe I can even find something with cheese in it.”

2. ANGER (top right) – “WHAT THE …” (gagging) “WHO IN THEIR RIGHT MIND WOULD EAT THIS CRAP?” (throwing jar at wall) “YOU SUCK, GERBER!” (to anyone dumb enough to call) “NO! I DO NOT WANT TO GO OUT FOR PIZZA, YOU JACKASS! CAN’T YOU SEE I’M EATING MY F*CKING ‘MIXED SPRING VEGETABLES WITH PASTA?’ GOD, YOU’RE SUCH AN IDIOT!!”

3. BARGAINING (bottom left) – “PLEASE. PLEASE … There’s got to be something palatable out there. Can someone PLEASE tell me something that I can eat that won’t leave that icky sweet aftertaste in my mouth? Seriously, I’m going to kill somebody today. PLEEEEEEEEEASE.”

4. DEPRESSION (bottom right) – “It doesn’t matter anymore.” (dripping squash down chin) “It all tastes the same anyway. Why even try to find a  good one anymore?” (crying … ironically like a baby) “No. Thanks anyway.” (to nobody in particular) “Whatever. I’m off to bed.”

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5. ACCEPTANCE: “Um … well, I have lost three pounds so far. And tomorrow is the last day. Plus Baby Cheetos rock. Thank you, Baby Cheetos. I love you, Baby Cheetos.”

Still need proof of my commitment? I chugged that last mother like I was still in college and it was coming through a funnel. Jar THREE of THREE. HARD … (vomit belch) … CORE.

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Today’s intake, as logged into the ‘My Fitness Pal’ app on my phone:

  • 8:15am – Gerber Bananas (6 oz., 140 calories)
  • 8:23am – Gerber Graduates Banana Cream Waffle Wheels (3 pieces, 25 calories)
  • 11:30am – Gerber Macaroni & Cheese (4 oz., 80 calories)
  • 11:35am – Beech Nut Squash & Apples (4oz., 60 calories)
  • 11:44am – Ella’s Kitchen Milk & Vanilla Baby Cookies (1 cookie, 31 calories)
  • 3:28pm – Beech Nut Apples & Blueberries (4 oz., 80 calories)
  • 3:30pm – Gerber Graduates Lil Crunchies Mild Cheddar Snacks (18 pieces, 35 calories)
  • 4:30pm –  Diet Coke (At the grocery. It was that or the whole candy section. Or the delicious looking fat dude on aisle 3.)
  • 5:00pm – 1/2 avocado (125 calories) – Thanks, Mel, for the tip! Babies eat raw, saltless avocado.
  • 5:15pm – Gerber Turkey, Rice & Vegetables (6 oz., 130 calories)
  • 5:41pm – Earth’s Best Corn & Butternut Squash (4 oz., 70 calories)
  • 9:oopm – Gerber Apples & Bananas with Mixed Cereal (6 oz., 110 calories)
  • 10:59pm – Gerber Graduates Lil Crunchies Mild Cheddar Snacks (18 pieces, 35 calories)
  • 11:02pm – Beech Nut Apricot, Apples & Pears (4 oz., 110 calories)
Total calories for the day – 1031
Things We’ve Learned and/or Questioned Along the Way

There are too many freakin’ pictures of my face on today’s post. Sorry. I’m not in my right mind and have no intention of redoing this shit.

I STILL WANT SALT! And also cheese. (That’s weird. Why didn’t I yell cheese? I want it even more.)

I want to compete on Survivor. I’ve never seen the show but feel I could now kick ass on it.

After three days, my appetite is dramatically decreased. I realize that’s a mixed blessing. It’s probably a good thing I have only one day to go.

I fear all of my weight loss is coming from my cheeks. Sadly, I mean the ones on my face.

Oh, and one more thing. I’ve got another poll for you. Yes, it’s true. I haven’t been (overly) plagued by gastrointestinal issues so far. But the term “explosive diarrhea” comes to mind again when I think about being set loose the day after tomorrow. I’ve already been asked several times on Twitter what I’m going to binge on first. And my sweet boy told his dad we need to go out to dinner to celebrate the end of this thing on Wednesday. But I can’t decide where.

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The Baby Food Diet – Day Three

Posted on December 9, 2012 | 8 comments

For a quick explanation of my shenanigans, click here.
Want to read about it from the beginning? Day One – Day Two

Today’s Weight – 119.8

I am somewhere between 5’3″ and 5’4.” I am not a crazy person. Well, mostly not a crazy person. I would love to be 115 pounds for Christmas. Do I expect to reach that goal during this five-day experiment? Probably not. I’m weak and it’s only five days. Still, I figured any weight I could shave off BEFORE the onslaught of holiday gluttony is a good thing, right? Of course right.

It’s Day Three. Know what that means? It means that at noon today I hit the halfway mark on this thing. Two and half days down, two and a half to go. Hey! I can still do math. That’s awesome. Because I’ve started to feel a little stupid. Not because I’ve solemnly vowed to all of you that I’d eat nothing but baby food for five days straight (I’m freakishly proud of that) but rather because my diet consists solely of food meant to provide mental staying power for a human whose age is still represented in months. As I see it, the fact that I’m holding my head up independently, handling my own spoon and walking without hanging on to the sofa is HUGE! How many babies do you know that can do all that after only a few days?

Oh, and I have a few more awards to give out today.

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SMELLS MOST LIKE PUKE

This swill is from yesterday. It wins hands down. Milo had a freakin’ field day when I unleashed it. And I ate it with my nose pinched. I am totally serious.

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TASTES MOST LIKE SOMETHING I WOULD EAT WHILE NOT ON THIS DIET

Split Pea & Carrot Soup. Who knew? I don’t even think I like real Split Pea Soup. But this one was amazing. Okay, maybe that’s a bit of an exaggeration. Let’s just say it was … palatable. After I added a trinity of saltless spices (onion, garlic & chili powders) to it. Of course, I only bought one jar of it.

Still need proof of my commitment? Remember the Macaroni & Cheese sludge I ate yesterday? The one I’m awarding ‘TASTES MOST LIKE PUKE?” Well, I stupidly bought three of these mothers. And far be it from me to “starve babies” and waste this disgusting shit important nutrition. So I am powering through. HARDCORE. Today, I forced down jar #2.

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And seriously??? BACK THE HELL OFF, MILO!!! This one’s Apples, Mango & Kiwi. Where were you when I was choking down the freakin’ YACK & Cheese?

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Today’s intake, as logged into the ‘My Fitness Pal’ app on my phone:

  • 9:47am – Gerber Bananas (6oz., 140 calories)
  • 12:23pm – banana (90 calories)
  • 1:1opm – Gerber Macaroni & Cheese (4 oz., 80 calories)
  • 1:20pm – Earth’s Best Split Pea & Carrot Soup (6 oz., 110 calories)
  • 12:15pm – Gerber Graduates Banana CreamWaffle Wheels (3 pieces, 25 calories)
  • 2:25pm – Gerber Graduates Lil Crunchies Mild Cheddar (18 pieces, 35 calories)
  • 2:55pm – Ella’s Kitchen Milk & Vanilla Baby Cookies (1 cookie, 31 calories)
  • 4:48pm – Beech Nut Apples, Mango & Kiwi (4 oz., 80 calories)
  • 5:50pm – Gerber Graduates Lil Crunchies Mild Cheddar (18 pieces, 35 calories)
  • 6:05pm – Earth’s Best Tender Chicken & Stars (6 oz., 110 calories)
  • 6:15pm – Earth’s Best Winter Squash (4 oz., 40 calories)
  • 7:43om – Gerber Pears & Cinnamon with Oatmeal (3.5 oz., 7o calories)
  • 8:12pm – banana (90 calories)
  • 8:35pm –  Gerber Graduates Lil Crunchies Mild Cheddar (36 pieces, 70 calories)
  • 8:40pm – Ella’s Kitchen Milk & Vanilla Baby Cookies (1 cookie, 31 calories)
Total calories for the day – 1037 (Don’t judge. Exhausted. Compromised sleep weekend. I’m going to bed.)
 Things We’ve Learned and/or Questioned Along the Way

The icky sweet taste that has become a permanent fixture in my mouth might just make me go postal. A word of warning … Check the rooftops around you when you’re in open areas for the next two days.

I WANT SALT!

To my friends who worried that I would either be plagued with constipation or explosive diarrhea, know that as of today you have nothing to worry about. Forty-eight hours into the diet, I made things right by my intestinal system. And I did it on the POTTY! YAY!!! (claps hands) Oh, God. Am I regressing in that I am oddly proud of that?

And speaking of regressing, I think I’m getting dumber. For the life of me today, I couldn’t come up with the word ‘stapler.’ I stared at it, across the room on the shelf, grunting at it and wanting someone to hand it to me. And then I just went to get it myself. At least no one took it away from me when I finally got it. I think that’s what babies feel like every day. Poor, stupid babies.

Babies should be contestants on Fear Factor. They would kick ass in the eating-nasty-crap challenges.

Oh, and one more thing. I’m very excited to hear that some of you have chosen to join me on this bizarre and grueling journey. And I want to hear from you. We all do. In the comments, on Twitter, or whatever other desperate distress signal you want to send out. Hang in there!

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The Baby Food Diet – Day Two

Posted on December 9, 2012 | 12 comments

For a quick explanation of my shenanigans, click here.

Want to hear about yesterday? Day One

Today’s Weight – 121.2

I am somewhere between 5’3″ and 5’4.” I am not a crazy person. Well, mostly not a crazy person. I would love to be 115 pounds for Christmas. Do I expect to reach that goal during this five-day experiment? Probably not. I’m weak and it’s only five days. Still, I figured any weight I could shave off BEFORE the onslaught of holiday gluttony is a good thing, right? Of course right.

So I made it through the first day. That’s got to be the hardest part, yes? And now that I’m seeing how fast an adult can burn through jars of baby food, I decided to make another quick grocery run … in search of variety … which ironically has oft been called the spice of life. And that’s the only spice I’ll be getting for a few more days.

Four stores later, here are a few of my “finds.”

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It seemed like SUCH a good idea and yet it’s our winner so far for “Tastes Most Like Puke.” Seriously, there’s a contest. And this one is our front runner. I really wish I hadn’t bought three freakin’ jars.

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OMG … Cheetos!

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And cookies? Okay … “Let’s do this thing!!!”

P.S. I’m picturing Linguini from Ratatouille as I type that last line. Probably because his name is a food. Plus, I may or may not be starting to hallucinate.

Still need proof of my commitment? I went to the movies tonight and it didn’t break my stride. Although, I’m sure I looked like a complete meathead in action. Mmmmm …  MEAThead.

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And Milo is still WAY too into all of this food for my comfort level.

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Today’s intake, as logged into the ‘My Fitness Pal’ app on my phone:

  • 6:55am – Gerber Bananas (6oz., 140 calories)
  • 11:40am – Gerber Graduates Lil Crunchies Mild Cheddar (18 pieces, 35 calories)
  • 12:15pm – Gerber Graduates Maple Waffle Wheels (3 pieces, 25 calories)
  • 12:17pm – Gerber Macaroni & Cheese (4 oz., 80 calories)
  • 12:25pm – Diet Coke (at my boy’s basketball game)
  • 1:30pm – Earth’s Best Harvest Squash Turkey (4oz,. 60 calories)
  • 1:41pm – Earth’s Best Peach Oatmeal Banana (4oz., 70 calories)
  • 1:53pm – Ella’s Kitchen Milk & Vanilla Baby Cookies (1 cookie, 35 calories)
  • 3:40pm – banana (90 calories – You guys all said it was okay. Except my pal, El Guapo. Mean!)
  • 3:42pm – Gerber Graduates Lil Crunchies Mild Cheddar (18 pieces, 35 calories)
  • 4:00pm – Lemon Blueberry Tea with Splenda
  • 5:03pm – Gerber Spaghetti & Tomato Sauce with Beef (6 oz., 180 calories)
  • 5:50pm – Diet Coke (Yes, it’s number TWO for the day. I was at the movies!)
  • 5:55pm – Earth’s Best Apple Cinnamon Oatmeal (6 oz., 110 calories)
  • 8:48pm – Gerber Graduates Banana Cream Waffle Wheels (3 pieces, 25 calories)
  • 8:52pm – Earth’s Best Chicken & Brown Rice (4 oz., 80 calories)
  • 9:02pm – Gerber Vanilla Custard Pudding with Bananas (3.5 oz., 110 calories)
  • 10:45pm – banana (90 calories)
  • 11:00pm – Gerber Graduates Lil Crunchies Mild Cheddar (18 pieces, 35 calories)
Total calories for the day – 1196
Things We’ve Learned and/or Questioned Along the Way
  • My friend called to offer support but chastise me a little because she didn’t see water listed yesterday. My bad. I did drink water. Lots of it. And took my daily vitamins. If anything, I’m watching my food group distribution more than usual. Not to worry.
  • I have established a rule on what makes a food “approved” for this diet. It needs to be able to be fed to a child less than 12 months old. The purpose of the diet is that everything be easily digestible. Hence the rule.
  • There is a reason babies cry all the time (they’re PISSED) and don’t sleep through the night (they’re STARVING). Only their fruity desserts are tolerable straight from the jar. … That’s right. I got your back, Babies!
  • Lemon blueberry herbal tea with Splenda is not even CLOSE to a lemon blueberry muffin. Stupid tea company.
  • Chewing rocks.

Oh, and one more thing. I’m having lots of fun playing with you guys on Twitter. Please keep looking for me as I descend slowly into madness. I spared no expense. We even have our own hashtag … #ODNTBabyFoodDiet. Here’s my favorite exchange of the day. (Thanks, Hotspur.)

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The Baby Food Diet – Day One

Posted on December 7, 2012 | 19 comments

For a quick explanation of my shenanigans, click here.

Today’s Weight – 122.4

I am somewhere between 5’3″ and 5’4.” I am not a crazy person. Well, mostly not a crazy person. I would love to be 115 pounds for Christmas. Do I expect to reach that goal during this five-day experiment? Probably not. I’m weak and it’s only five days. Still, I figured any weight I could shave off BEFORE the onslaught of holiday gluttony is a good thing, right? Of course right.

First things first, Vanessa (my dieting partner in crime and Ethel to my Lucy) and I needed to make a grocery run. I haven’t had baby food in the house in years. And, if there’s one thing I can attest to so far with this diet, it’s that it will make you laugh. Your ass off. Ever since we hatched this scheme over lunch yesterday, we’ve laughed so hard in the planning and research process that we can barely breathe. Like when we found this comment among the long list on DietsInReview.com …

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Says Vanessa: “Michele! Oh, my God! We are starving the babies!”

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Fine. Maybe she had a point. But Earth’s Best Apple Cinnamon Oatmeal looked like one of the best ones. You snooze, you lose, babies.

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We both drew the line at this gelatinous silly putty. I don’t even remember my kids liking it back in the day. Although I do recall our old cat, Toby, giving it a big thumbs up. Honestly, Vanessa and I were floored at how much we had to buy to cover our daily intake. Here’s what I brought home so far for (what I think will cover) three of the five days.

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Still don’t think I’m for real? Here’s how the initial taste test went down.

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For the record, Milo is totally into it. He digs the sound of the jar opening and the smell. Coincidence?

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I’m logging everything into the ‘My Fitness Pal’ app on my phone. Here’s how the day went:

  • 9:22am – Gerber Bananas (6 oz., 140 calories)
  • 10:00am – Circuit Training (25 minutes)
  • 11:53am – Earth’s Best Organic Spaghetti and Cheese (6 oz., 90 calories)
  • 12:00pm – Earth’s Best Organic Corn & Butternut Squash (4 oz., 70 calories)
  • 12:15pm – Gerber Maple Waffle Wheels (3 pieces, 25 calories)
  • 1:45pm – Gerber Vanilla Custard Pudding Bananas (3.5 oz., 110 calories)
  • 2:30pm – Gerber Banana Cream Waffle Wheels (3 pieces, 25 calories)
  • 3:20pm – Gerber Apples & Bananas with Mixed Cereal (6 oz., 110 calories)
  • 4:00pm – Diet Coke (With the kids at the local frogurt shop. To stave off a headache. And possibly a murder.)
  • 5:00pm – Gerber Maple Waffle Wheels (3 pieces, 25 calories)
  • 6:15pm – Gerber Spaghetti in Tomato Sauce with Beef (6 oz., 180 calories)
  • 6:17pm – Beech Nut Butternut Squash (4 oz., 45 calories)
  • 6:19pm – Beech Nut Apples & Bananas (4 oz., 50 calories)
  • 7:17pm – Gerber Banana Cream Waffle Wheels (3 pieces, 25 calories)
  • 10:09pm – Gerber Banana Cream Waffle Wheels (3 pieces, 25 calories)
  • 10:12pm – Earth’s Best Plum, Banana & Brown Rice (4 oz., 80 calories)
Total calories for the day – 1000 (Tomorrow I’ll aim for more. Today was totally whack.)
Things We’ve Learned and/or Questioned Along the Way
  • Heating all “meats” and vegetables goes a long way toward improving the taste.
  • The same goes for herbs and spices. (But no sugar or salt!)
  • Diet Coke is okay. After all, I’ve seen parents put soda in baby bottles. (Well, no. I didn’t say good parents.)
  • We take chewing and teeth for granted. (Gerber Graduate Waffle Wheels can get you through this need.)
  • If babies follow this diet so strictly, why are they so soft and chubby? Is it a working out issue?
  • Salt is a delicious food that we should create a holiday to celebrate.

Oh, and I have a question. I made ALL of my baby food for Dean, my first child, and (cough) one batch for Viv, my second. That said, the banana baby food I made for Dean was simply one mushed-up banana in a bowl. Using that logic, is there any reason I can’t eat a banana on this diet? Please lock in your vote … now. I’m hungry.

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“There are no bad ideas, Lemon. Only great ones that go horribly wrong.” – Jack Donaghy

Posted on December 6, 2012 | 10 comments

Hmmmm, how do I begin? So I had this idea today. I guess it’s really more of a scheme. A well-hatched plan you might call it. Is it harebrained? Cacamamie? Or half-baked? Um …. NO!!! And, frankly, I’m offended you’d ask. (rolling eyes and throwing hands in air) Oh, whatever. It might sound a little crazy. And YOU are getting a front row seat.

Ever heard of the baby food diet? Feel free to Google it but it’s pretty much exactly what it sounds like. There are several different versions of it but the basic plan suggests 14 jars of baby food per day which works out to somewhere between 1000-1200 calories, depending on your choices. As with any fad diet, it has its pros and cons.

What? Am I doing it? That would be crazy. Completely insane. So, yes. Of COURSE, I’m doing it. But just for five days. Starting tomorrow. With my friend, Vanessa. And anyone else crazy enough to join us. I see it not only as an interesting experiment (Morgan Spurlock is one of my personal heroes) but also a jump-start to a little holiday weight loss. Considering all the eating I’ll be doing soon enough, I figured I could stand a little boost.

Vanessa: Do we have to exercise?

Me: Babies don’t have to exercise.

Vanessa: I could push you in the stroller then you could push me.

Me: What if I just carried you around in a Bjorn for a while?

Vanessa: Ooh! We need bouncy seats!

So anyway, if you want to come along for the potentially disgusting ride, stay tuned. I’ll keep you guys posted on my intake, progress and any other entertaining discoveries we find along the way.

It’s only for five days, right? (Somebody say right. Say it. Now!)

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The Three Amigos, Oversized Cheese Platters and Other Foolishness

Posted on December 6, 2012 | 14 comments

Today’s Video:

Once upon a time, there was a girl with a dream. A dream to write without boundaries, to write without deadlines and (dramatic pause) to write without fear. Could such a place exist? Possibly. Would she look like an ass? Probably. And, most importantly, would anyone (besides her mom) ever even listen? She would, after all, never be speaking of politics, religion, history or anything traditionally considered “important” in this world. Instead, there would be cats-who-sit-like-humans, cow nipple cream, hamsters-covered-in-pizza-sauce and, of course, Alec Baldwin. So, she wrote her first post, gathered up all of her courage and pressed “Publish.”

Then everything went quiet. She sat alone, waiting and hoping. And from the darkness, she saw one tiny light flickering in the distance.

“Hello? Is anyone home?” said the unfamiliar but friendly voice at the door. Awakened from her stupor, the woman shoved the family-sized cheese tray she was eating alone into the dishwasher and threw an old blanket over the sofa that was covered in orange cat hair. “Welcome, welcome!” she cried, thrilled to pieces to have just one listener. She vowed always to revere this special guest as though he were royalty. He was, after all, her very first follower.

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Need proof? Here’s a screen capture of her first five followers in reverse chronological order.

* * * * *

How did she repay his blind loyalty? By corrupting his name, an innocent homage to a classic 80s film, and creating many humiliating variants over the course of the past year. Among her favorites were The Great Guaptini, Guap ‘Til You Drop, Guaperella, Count Guapula, Guap ‘n’ Roll High School, Guapzie Guaperelli and, of course, Guap Tarts. And so, in this beloved tradition of name-sullying, she wants to celebrate her first reader’s birthday with a special vote created in his honor. Why? Because El Guapo needs a Christmas moniker and it wouldn’t be a Guap-inspired post without a good poll. That’s where you come in.

Happy Birthday, El Guapo … Jolly Old St. Guapolas … or whatever we wind up naming you this holiday season. 

Thanks for taking “the road less traveled by” when I was just starting out.

* * * * * * * * * *

Click here to see (read) everyone who brought a dish  (duh, wrote a post) to the party given in honor of O Guapo, My Guapo.

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His Stand Against Brussels (for Trifecta)

Posted on December 2, 2012 | 30 comments

The Trifecta writing prompt for the weekend was pretty straightforward. Write exactly 33 words about rebellion and/or revolt.  Interpret it as you will.
I found an old picture and I just had to act on it. Thanks for the inspiration, my boy.

* * * * * * * * * *

His Stand Against Brussels

* * * * * * * * * *

Once upon a time, there was a little boy. He was an excellent eater. Until the day his mother tried Brussels sprouts. “NOOO!” he slammed his tiny fist. “I NOT eat that, Mommy.”

* * * * * * * * * *

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What A Difference A Year Can Make (Plus A Goofy Self-Portrait)

Posted on December 1, 2012 | 18 comments

I’ve been thinking about something a lot lately. And I’ve been wanting to write about it but have no idea how to do it. I don’t even know where to start. When I look back at my blog entries from this time last year, they are much more numerous than I remember. Listing all the links in this post seems not only exhausting but also very redundant. (If you’re interested in reading them, they can be located by using the ‘Archived Dumbassery’ tool in the sidebar.)

Today marks a very important anniversary for me. As I lie in bed typing, I will confess that I’ve been secretly preoccupied for the last week or two. And it’s all coming to a head for me now. Here’s the short story.

On December 1, 2011, I had surgery to remove a tumor my doctor found on my lung during a very routine medical exam. Needless to say, I was floored by the whole experience. But I guess I didn’t realize just how much until I re-read the 17 posts I wrote leading up to my surgery and then the 15 that came after (19 if you count the guest posts). The whole thing seems so surreal to me now. I remember the story as though it were someone else’s.

On this same day last year, of the more than five hundred mothers at my children’s school, three were sick and receiving substantial support from our amazing community. Since that time, the first woman succumbed to her illness, the second lost a vital organ and the third is writing to you now from this keyboard. I managed to walk away from my medical crisis with only four little scars on my torso to remind me that it really happened.

Why should I be so lucky?

I have absolutely no idea. I don’t have these answers or any like it. I just know that I need to take a moment to reflect on the positive hand I’ve been dealt. I will not take it for granted. I am very thankful for the opportunity to continue being a daughter, a sister, a wife, a mother and a friend.

Oh, and one more thing ….

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This picture was taken by me only moments before I was wheeled into surgery. As you can plainly see, I was high as a kite and the family members who were with me at the time really should have taken my phone away. But they didn’t. And I managed to snap this picture. It’s actually one of my favorite shots on my phone’s camera roll, although I’ve never shown it to anyone. It’s pretty raw …. but it’s also pretty happy. Right now, that seems like a nice combination.

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Ketchup With Us #7

Posted on December 1, 2012 | 7 comments

Food, glorious food! Hot sausage and mustard!
While we’re in the mood, cold jelly and custard!
 Pease pudding and saveloys! What next is the question?
 Rich gentlemen have it, boys … In-di-gestion!

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A marriage of musical theater and food. How could I not use this song here? Plus, Oliver is one of my favorite shows. Although I will confess that, until today, I thought the lyrics read “Peas, pudding and saveloy.” What the heck is pease pudding, you ask? Yeah. I had to know, too. (pause for Googling) Per Wikipedia, pease pudding is “a term of British origin regarding a savory pudding dish made of boiled legumes.” And, for the record, a saveloy is “a type of highly seasoned sausage, usually bright red in colour, which is typically available in English fish and chips shops, sometimes fried in batter.”

Refried beans and fried hot dogs. Mmmmmmm. Brits are as whack about food prep as I am. Still, I manage to have a few good meals up my sleeve. Which is disgusting and usually makes a huge mess. So, in the spirit of giving, I thought I’d share one of my recipes here with you. Today. Right now. (Sigh. Eyes Rolling.) Yes … fine. I’ll wait while you go grab a pencil.

ODNT’s Squash Soup

  • Winter squash – acorn, butternut, pumpkin, etc. (12 oz – ish)
  • 1 baking potato
  • 2 cans (14 1/2 oz. each) chicken broth
  • 1 tbsp. olive oil
  • 2 medium onions, diced
  • 1/4 tsp. cinnamon
  • 1/4 tsp. ginger
  • 1/8 tsp. nutmeg
  • 2 tbsp. maple syrup
  • 1/4 c. heavy cream

Halve the squash and potato. Bake face down (it’s more humane) at 350 until very soft. The pain-in-the-ass potato will take longer so plan to remove your more compliant squash (or is it squashes?) a little earlier. I think this process took about an hour but I can’t remember because my neighbor sent over champagne.

Once the vegetables are Gerber quality, start pureeing them in small batches with the chicken broth to make a creamy mash.  A food processor is the ideal tool for this process which is, of course, why I use a blender. (Consequently, my soups, smoothies, hummus and adult freezy drinks all have a similar squashy-banana-with-chick-peas-and-booze flavor.)

Saute onions in olive oil. (Or skip this step like me, since Dave hates onions, and just use onion powder.) Add all other spices. (Put the measuring spoons away, fool. A few generous shakes of each is fine.) Add everything to the veggie mash and heat in a large pot on the stove.

Finally, right before serving, add the maple syrup and heavy cream (the only sin in the pot). I do it that way because it’s what I was told to do years ago. Personally, I eat the soup for days after I cook it and I’ve never died (not even once) from chilling and reheating the cream. But then, I’m a reckless hooligan.

Oh, and enjoy the soup. It’s pretty damned good on a cold fall day.

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For a quick explanation of this link-up, click here. In short, Mel and I will post a picture or video with a writing prompt on the 1st and 15th of every month. You can write your entry in any form. We love creativity. And, with each prompt, we’ll feature a writer from the previous link-up. Which reminds me …

Our esteemed Ketchup With Us Featured Writer for today is …

Wyman Ragg

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  1. Submit your entry using the linky at the bottom of one of our KWU posts.
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‘KETCHUP WITH US’ – Prompt #7

Share a favorite holiday recipe with us. For once, there is no Heinz-inspired word limit. Just don’t go overboard. (God, I HATED that movie.)

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