Tag Archives: El Guapo

The Three Amigos, Oversized Cheese Platters and Other Foolishness

Today’s Video:

Once upon a time, there was a girl with a dream. A dream to write without boundaries, to write without deadlines and (dramatic pause) to write without fear. Could such a place exist? Possibly. Would she look like an ass? Probably. And, most importantly, would anyone (besides her mom) ever even listen? She would, after all, never be speaking of politics, religion, history or anything traditionally considered “important” in this world. Instead, there would be cats-who-sit-like-humans, cow nipple cream, hamsters-covered-in-pizza-sauce and, of course, Alec Baldwin. So, she wrote her first post, gathered up all of her courage and pressed “Publish.”

Then everything went quiet. She sat alone, waiting and hoping. And from the darkness, she saw one tiny light flickering in the distance.

“Hello? Is anyone home?” said the unfamiliar but friendly voice at the door. Awakened from her stupor, the woman shoved the family-sized cheese tray she was eating alone into the dishwasher and threw an old blanket over the sofa that was covered in orange cat hair. “Welcome, welcome!” she cried, thrilled to pieces to have just one listener. She vowed always to revere this special guest as though he were royalty. He was, after all, her very first follower.


Need proof? Here’s a screen capture of her first five followers in reverse chronological order.

* * * * *

How did she repay his blind loyalty? By corrupting his name, an innocent homage to a classic 80s film, and creating many humiliating variants over the course of the past year. Among her favorites were The Great Guaptini, Guap ‘Til You Drop, Guaperella, Count Guapula, Guap ‘n’ Roll High School, Guapzie Guaperelli and, of course, Guap Tarts. And so, in this beloved tradition of name-sullying, she wants to celebrate her first reader’s birthday with a special vote created in his honor. Why? Because El Guapo needs a Christmas moniker and it wouldn’t be a Guap-inspired post without a good poll. That’s where you come in.

Happy Birthday, El Guapo … Jolly Old St. Guapolas … or whatever we wind up naming you this holiday season. 

Thanks for taking “the road less traveled by” when I was just starting out.

* * * * * * * * * *

Click here to see (read) everyone who brought a dish  (duh, wrote a post) to the party given in honor of O Guapo, My Guapo.


According to ODNT (A Special Birthday Surprise for a Friend)

Guapo: (drumming fingers on desk) What are YOU going to write?

Me: (sucking down coffee) I don’t know. (rocking back and forth on haunches) I’m trying to think.

Guapo: You know the other girls are already done, right? Lance, too. I think he even set his to music.

Me: (rolling eyes) I know. I heard. (sighing defeatedly) Mel makes this look so damned easy on According to Mags.

Guapo: (shrugging shoulders) Well, in her defense, she does have two adorable kids.

Me: (rising to feet defensively) And …?

Guapo: (recoiling in fear) Calm down. Your kids are great, too. I just meant hers were still little.

Me: (shaking head & sitting) Oh, my God. I know. I’m sorry. I just (starting to cry) … I mean, how does she do it?

Guapo: I don’t know, Michele. I don’t know. (refilling coffee cup) Maybe it’s a West Virginia thing.

I’m writing this post today for my friend, Mel at According to Mags. Today is her birthday. And a few of her writing pals and I got together to assemble this little surprise. To view her other birthday salutes, be sure to click the links for all of my fellow party givers listed at the bottom of this post.

But let’s talk a little more about Mel. She and I met online via our love of writing. Just like eHarmony … but for like-minded friends. We even traveled and roomed together last month for a writing conference in NYC. And … when neither stole the other’s kidney, uploaded naked shower pictures to the internet or stood over staring creepily at the other while sleeping … we deemed it a success.

So, without further verbosity on my part, please allow me to share The Best of Mel (According to ODNT). Go visit her when you can and say hi. You won’t be sorry. She’s a lovely, do-anything-for-you, give-you-the-shirt-off-her-back kind of girl. But, seriously, if you’re only going to get her shirt … well, dude, you’re a creeper. Move on.

Check out some of my favorite ATM posts:

I could go on and on. But you can stop by her place any time and see for yourself. Just be sure to leave everything where you found it. I’m not sure if Mel’s a the-ceramic-penguin-always-faces-due-south-kind-of-person or not, so let’s not tempt fate. I do not wish to be hobbled.


Oh, and before I go, if you didn’t already see it, Mel and I are starting a little project today called ‘Ketchup with Us.’ It’s a semi-monthly writing exercise that we’ll be hosting on both of our sites. To learn more about it, you can read Mel’s post or mine after you finish snooping through all of her other stuff above.

Happy Birthday, Mel. Wish I was there in person to celebrate!

Click to meet my partners in crime for Mel’s birthday party:


Help! ODNT needs a tagline!

Since I created this little project back in August 2011, I have made a real effort to seek and read the work of the many, talented bloggers out there writing about everything from making Susan Spicer’s Pork Chops with Satsuma Marmalade to fulfilling An Adventure – The First Naked Bar Dance.  I have “met” so many interesting people that sometimes I forget that if I bumped into these people at the grocery and tried to strike up a conversation with them that I might wind up being hit by the business end of a honeydew melon (does a honeydew even have a “business end?”) while they escape the maniacally-friendly, crazy lady.

Anyway, in my travels, I’ve become well acquainted with lots of very impressive writers including the two above as well as blogger extraordinaire, Jenny Lawson, and her website entitled TheBloggess.com.  If you haven’t visited her already, treat yourself and head over there now.  (Did I just send you to someone ELSE’S blog??? I am so bad at this game.)  In addition to being profoundly funny and insightful, Jenny is one of the most popular bloggers in the business which is why I’ve decided to advertise ODNT alongside a handful of others right there on her website.  Being adjacent to greatness is almost as good as actually achieving it, right?

But here’s my problem.

I need a tagline. If you look at the other blogs listed on her site, you’ll see all of their names followed by a short description, mantra, song lyric, shoe size, favorite snack, etc.  It’s whatever the writer wants to use to represent him or herself in that listing.  So, I lost a lot of sleep last night, waking up every so often to jot something down in the notes app of my phone, trying to come up with ideas.  I pestered my husband, my mother and four of my good friends … one of whom spent the whole afternoon brainstorming with me.  (Thanks, Ashley.  Also, your cheese presentation was as delicious as it was pretty.)

We probably came up with nearly 50 ideas, some of which were so very bad that I question whether I should even be granted permission to write something like a grocery list.  And we culled it down to seven and are putting it to a vote. Here and now. Let me know what you think.  The blog listing will read “Old Dog, New Tits” and then the tagline. It’s sort of like someone reading their business card as in ‘Dr. Will Slaughter, CardioThoracic Surgeon.’ (Yeah, I was a big Simpsons fan back in the day.)

Anyway, here are your candidates.  Please vote.  I need to turn this stuff in!

Hate ’em all?  Well, aren’t you persnickety? … No! Wait! I’m kidding. Please don’t run off.  Have a better idea?  Please list it below in the comments section.  Have I mentioned before that I LOVE COMMENTS?

Thanks, guys, for helping me decide.  I’ll post my final decision very soon.  And maybe share a few of the earlier rejected clunkers for laughs … if you want to hear them.  But you can’t like them better!!


Boobs + Mean Girl Barbies + Naked Mole Rats = Versatile Blogger

I first embarked on my ODNT adventure just as summer was ending and my kids were returning to school. It seemed like the best time to take on something new, especially given the roots of this project. And, in deciding to start writing again, I also decided to start reading again. Not only have I read five lengthy books since June (yes, I know that sounds pathetic but, if you know me at all, you want to feed me a dog treat right about now), but I’m also reading a lot other blogs. All over the place. It’s always good to know what and who else is out there. And what I’ve learned is that there are a lot of hilarious, crazy, articulate and touching writers in the world. (Right when I had concluded that it was mostly full of idiots. Cynical jackass that I am.)

So, now with an enlightened mind and an open heart (sort of like the Grinch at the end of his infamous tale), I sincerely appreciate and accept the nomination given to me by one of my favorite fellow bloggers, El Guapo, for a Versatile Blogger Award.

The nomination carries with it the following guidelines:

* Nominate 15 fellow bloggers.

These people are all important to me for different reasons.

* Inform the bloggers of their nominations.

That job will be taken care of following this post. You’re welcome to come along for the ride with me but, be forewarned, my car is a mess and we’re also taking my cat to the vet for his annual shots.

* Share 7 random things about yourself.

1. I triple pierced my ear on a ferry boat when I was 14.

2. I didn’t learn to ride a bike until I was 8 years old.

3. I have delivered court subpoenas for money. (Don’t judge me!)

4. I was hired as the lead singer for a band in college but quit because I didn’t want to travel with guys I didn’t know.

5. I was on the homecoming court one year in high school.

6. I was mugged at gunpoint with friends after my own Sweet Sixteen party.

7. I once attended a bachelorette party at someone’s house and wound up knowing the male stripper.

And a little something extra … or lagniappe, as we say in New Orleans …

I wrote a children’s book about my daughter of which I’m pretty proud. One day, maybe I’ll publish it.

* Thank the blogger who nominated you.

Thanks again, El Guapo. I enjoy everything you write and am still waiting on my Christmas delivery of cheese soup, as cheese in any form is never a mistake. To everyone else, if you haven’t read him yet, get on it. The dishes … and the kids … can wait. Seriously, his name references The Three Amigos. Do you need more than that for your interest to be piqued? I sure didn’t.

* Add the Versatile Blog Award logo on your blog post.


Thanks again to my pal, Guap, and all of the awesome people who check in with me from time to time. I especially like when you take the time to comment. You guys are all way funnier than me. Happy Christmas!