Tag Archives: i killed a defenseless toaster

Letter #4 to Hamilton Beach (How am *I* the outlaw here?)


Dear “Betty,”
.

What can I say? You guys have been very flexible about which I am most appreciative. I hope that you’re right about the “it may arrive sooner” part you mentioned  because we’re now only able to use our toaster when the dial is set to 1. If possible, it seems to be getting evenhotter. Consequently, we’ve been eating mostly hot and cold cereals and other breakfast foods that don’t rely on a toaster around here. But, frankly, we miss bagels! And Pop-Tarts! And I just found some pumpkin spice waffles my kids are dying to try!

Concerning the cord amputation, are you sure you don’t want to examine the machine in its entirety to determine exactly what went wrong? Yes. I know you can’t dissect every lemon, but it’s a valid suggestion, don’t you think? If, however, you still want me to proceed with the original plan so you can see a picture of my dead toaster, I’ll enlist my husband’s assistance. He used to work with animals so things like death and guts are no strangers to him. I’m sure he can help me with this difficult task. We’ll get you your (sniff) gruesome photo as soon as the new toaster arrives.

Thanks again for working with me. And feel free to crack a smile. I’ll bet you have a lovely one. 🙂

Michele Robert Poche

P.S. I’d love a UPS tracking number if that’s not too much trouble.



I Googled “Dead Toaster” in an attempt to find a comical image to accompany this post.

Interestingly enough, when I scrolled down through the images a bit, I actually found a picture of ME holding a butcher knife to a toaster. My image was number 70 on the list. Seventy! Seriously? *I* am the seventieth deadliest person in the world to toasters??? Thanks a lot, Hamilton Beach. You’ve made me a monster in the small appliance community.

Of course, the whole thing got me to thinking … and Googling. And I discovered that, as far as toasters are concerned, I get WAY more infamous than seventieth. Thanks to Hamilton Beach.

Googling “I KILLED MY TOASTER” earned me 4th deadliest …

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.

“MY DEAD TOASTER” inched me up to number 3 …

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.
“I AMPUTATED MY TOASTER” brought me to 2 …

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 .
And yes, my friends … thanks to Hamilton Beach … I am now the number one image provided by Google when searching “I KILLED A DEFENSELESS TOASTER!”

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P.S. For the record, images four and five here are also mine. I have no idea what image two is but, thanks to Hamilton Beach, we will now all be having nightmares tonight. (shudder)


Stay tuned, guys. That toaster’s got to be coming soon!

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That Suburban Momma