Tag Archives: dead toaster

A Murder in Pictures (Sponsored by Hamilton Beach)

Posted on December 12, 2013 | 22 comments

 WAIT!!!

Just joining us for the Hamilton Beach Toaster Chronicles? For it all to make sense, you have to first read these posts:

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First things first. With two identical toasters in the house, I thought it crucial that I irrefutably identify the culprit …

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… and give him one last crack at his job. (A final cigarette seemed so redundant.)

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He did not disappoint. (This photo was taken outside where the smoke forced us to flee.)

And then, the murder. But how?

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Strangling?

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Running down with the car?

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Drowning/electrocution (Can you electrocute a toaster?)

I finally decided on a more humane method.

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So I blindfolded the toaster …

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… and myself …

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… AND I DID IT!!!

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Is this what you wanted, Hamilton Beach?

IS THIS WHAT YOU WANTED?!!?

(super awkward silence)

It is finished.

And now, we’ll all just have to go on with our lives and try to pretend nothing ever happened.

(cue ominous music as camera slowly zooms out and screen fades to black)

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The 2013 Great American Toast-Off

Posted on December 9, 2013 | 14 comments

Just joining us for the Hamilton Beach Toaster Chronicles? Get up to speed by first reading these posts:

You: “Oh, my God! You are LITERALLY still writing about freakin’ toast?!!?”

Me: Dammit, (whatever your name is)! This is SCIENCE!”

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Welcome, ladies and gentlemen, to the main event of the night … the 2013 Great American Toast-Off.

ON THE LEFT … weighing in at 3.1 pounds, hailing from the Hamilton Beach Warranty/Recall Center in Olive Branch, Mississippi … please welcome the NEWCOMERRRRRRRR!

ON THE RIGHT …  weighing in at 3.4 pounds, hailing from the shelf of a dirty Kmart in Metairie, Louisiana and leaving a trail of burned pastry in his infamous wake … please welcome the FIRRRRRRRE STARTERRRRRRR!

Okay, gentlemen, we want a clean fight. You’ll each be given 5 slices of bread upon which you’ll be expected to perform your duties using each of your five settings. Your performance will be timed and photographed on each of these settings. You cannot hit below the belt, hold, trip, kick, headbutt, wrestle, bite, spit on, or push your opponent. Remember to protect yourself at all times. Okay, touch gloves and come out at the bell!

 (Sound of Bell)

THE NEWCOMER ——————–

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  1. 1:01 (Top left)
  2. 1:15 (Top right)
  3. 1:41 (Bottom left)
  4. 2:07 (Bottom right)
  5. 2:27 (Below) – The only one I would designate as “burned.” I still ate it. Out of spite.

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THE FIRE STARTER —————20131209-132045.jpg

  1. 0:47 (Top left – Fine. This time. Just remember, the ONE thing he’s consistent about is his inconsistency.)
  2. 2:20 (Top right – Half burned.)
  3. 1:41 (Bottom left – I have no explanation for why he held back here. He’s shifty like that.)
  4. 2:29 (Bottom right – Burned.)
  5. 5:33 (Below – Charred to the point that his dental records would be unrecognizable. If toast had teeth.)

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I should add that, BECAUSE I WAS FORCED TO HOLD THE SMOKING TOASTER OUT OF OF THE WINDOW for setting #4, I opted to test setting number #5 outdoors … using an external, grounded, weatherproof outlet on my back deck.

20131209-163700.jpgIt was a wise decision.

Ladies and gentlemen, I think we have a winner! (sounds of more dinging bells and a raucous audience)

And now I must go. I have a murder to premeditate.

(Trust me. This makes A LOT more sense if you’ve been following along since the beginning.)

Click here to read the next installment of the Hamilton Beach Toaster Chronicles.

 

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The Toastman Cometh!

Posted on December 6, 2013 | 15 comments

Just joining us for the Hamilton Beach Toaster Chronicles? Get up to speed by first reading these postst:

IT’S HERE!!!

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And it comes with TWO important responsibilities!!

1. Test the snot out of Toaster #2.

2. KILL TOASTER #1!!!

Okay. (deep breaths) I’m going to need some bread, bagels, waffles, Kellogg’s Limited Edition Frosted Pumpkin Pie Pop-Tarts, a sharp knife, a couple of blindfolds, a small kitchen garbage bag and a shovel. And possibly a priest or a therapist after I’m done. Ooh, and a Diet Coke.

You guys feel ready? Let’s do this.

Click here to read the next installment of the Hamilton Beach Toaster Chronicles.

 

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Letter #4 to Hamilton Beach (How am *I* the outlaw here?)

Posted on December 2, 2013 | 9 comments

Dear “Betty,”
.

What can I say? You guys have been very flexible about which I am most appreciative. I hope that you’re right about the “it may arrive sooner” part you mentioned because we’re now only able to use our toaster when the dial is set to 1. If possible, it seems to be getting even hotter. Consequently, we’ve been eating mostly hot and cold cereals and other breakfast foods that don’t rely on a toaster around here. But, frankly, we miss bagels! And Pop-Tarts! And I just found some pumpkin spice waffles my kids are dying to try!

Concerning the cord amputation, are you sure you don’t want to examine the machine in its entirety to determine exactly what went wrong? Yes. I know you can’t dissect every lemon. But it’s a valid suggestion, don’t you think? If, however, you still want me to proceed with the original plan so you can see a picture of my dead toaster, I’ll enlist my husband’s assistance. He used to work with animals so things like death and guts are no strangers to him. I’m sure he can help me with this difficult task. We’ll get you your (sniff) gruesome photo as soon as the new toaster arrives.

Thanks again for working with me. And feel free to crack a smile. I’ll bet you have a lovely one. 🙂

Michele Robert Poche

P.S. I’d love a UPS tracking number if that’s not too much trouble.

I Googled “Dead Toaster” in an attempt to find a comical image to accompany this post.

Interestingly enough, when I scrolled down through the images a bit, I actually found a picture of ME holding a butcher knife to a toaster. My image was number 70 on the list. Seventy! Seriously? *I* am the seventieth deadliest person in the world to toasters??? Thanks a lot, Hamilton Beach. You’ve made me a monster in the small appliance community.

Of course, the whole thing got me to thinking … and Googling. And I discovered that, as far as toasters are concerned, I get WAY more infamous than seventieth. Thanks to Hamilton Beach.

Googling “I KILLED MY TOASTER” earned me 4th deadliest …

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.

“MY DEAD TOASTER” inched me up to number 3 …

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.
“I AMPUTATED MY TOASTER” brought me to 2 …

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 .
And yes, my friends … thanks to Hamilton Beach … I am now the number one image provided by Google when searching “I KILLED A DEFENSELESS TOASTER!”

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P.S. For the record, images four and five here are also mine. I have no idea what image two is but, thanks to Hamilton Beach, we will now all be having nightmares tonight. (shudder)

Stay tuned, guys. That toaster’s got to be coming soon!

Click here to read the next installment of the Hamilton Beach Toaster Chronicles

 

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