Because Who Can’t Use A Little Help Getting Organized in 2013?

Posted on January 21, 2013 | 4 comments

Salt and Pepper.

Meat and Potatoes.

Lucy and Ethel.

Perfect pairs.

I haven’t found someone I like writing with this much since … well, I don’t know if I’ve ever found someone so easy with whom to write. (Pipe down, Mom. You know that doesn’t include you.)

It helps to be of like minds. It helps to be flexible. It helps to find someone with whom you can bring different things to the table. Things like strengths and weaknesses … and cheese. That’s why my friend, Mel at AccordingToMags.com, and I complement each other so perfectly. She is the peppery-potatoey Ethel to my salty-meaty Lucy. And sometimes it’s the other way around. Whatever the subject matter, one of us is always able to take the lead and lay the groundwork and structure for the project while the other one is out shopping for shag carpeting, throw pillows and kitschy accent tables.

In the past year, Mel and I have co-authored a lot of things … from our unconventional Ketchup With Us writing challenge to our biweekly parenting column in the Lifestyle section of the Manilla blog, a site that was recently named one of PC Magazine’s Top 100 Websites of 2012 as well as an ABC News’ App of the Week.

We’ve actually already written five articles together for Manilla. Please take a look and feel free to share.

Thanks, Mel. I’ve enjoyed every minute of it. Well almost every minute. 🙂

Easily manage your bills and accounts for FREE with Manilla.

Need your T’s crossed? I’s dotted? Maybe even all of your ducks in a row? Manilla is a site that can help you manage all of your accounts — the babysitter, the rent, the pool guy, the dog walker, the gym membership. You name it, they can help. On January 1st, Manilla launched their Get It Together Challenge, a New Year’s promotion that can get your life in order for 2013. To register for Manilla’s services, click here and complete the enrollment section on the right.

Put down that cookie and do it!

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Tagged abc news' app of the week, according to mags, biweekly parenting column, co-authoring articles, getting organized, lucy and ethel, managing all your accounts, managing your life, Manilla Blog, mel, pc magazine's top 100 websites of 2012

I’m Giving Away Hugs. Who wants one?

Posted on January 18, 2013 | 21 comments

That’s right. We’re talking about hugs today. How simple is that? And when I say “we,” I mean my friend, Mel and me. And when I say “hugs” I mean one of the cutest little innoventions to hit the shelves lately.

Introducing the Embracelet

Created by two enterprising moms, this special bracelet was designed to promote and encourage positive interactions with your kids and other loved ones. There are twenty-five beads on the bracelet and the wearer is challenged to have a special moment (hugs, smiles and other little acts of love) with their little people before each day is done. The ladybug clip moves over one bead for each of these daily milestones.

About a month ago, Embracelet creators Tina and Lisa (huggabuggakids.com) contacted Mel and me about doing a review on our blogs … which meant we each got one of these cute little things. (Yay!)

Anyone who knows me at all knows that this kind of jewelry is right up my alley. Case in point: Also pictured is my 10-year anniversary band from Marie Laveau’s Voodoo Shop right here in New Orleans. It was $10. Dave has no idea how lucky he is. But I digress …

The bracelet … excuse me, I mean the EMbracelet is precious. It’s got a nice weight to it and each clear bead is dimpled to give it a little texture. And the pewter ladybug is just adorable. The whole thing is very sturdy and well-made.

But, Michele, does it work?

Honestly? YES! It has made me stop and appreciate not only my kids but also my husband, my family and my friends. And (gulp) you know what I realized? I don’t EVER have twenty-five meaningful moments with my loved ones in a given day. (My bracelet should probably have black beads and a stink bug on it.) So, I’m working on it. Who among us can’t use a little self-improvement, right?

And that’s why I’m giving YOU the same chance! Mel and I both are actually. Just tell me in the comments below why you want an Embracelet of your very own. We’ll each be randomly drawing a name from our commenters. For those impaired mathematically, that means we’ll have TWO winners. So, get cracking! The deadline for entry is noon on February 1st!

If YOU win the Embracelet, who will you hug first?

* * * * * Got five seconds? * * * * *

Please click that FANCY PANTS PINK BALL (above) to visit the Circle of Moms site and vote for ODNT for Top 25 Funny Moms.

I need this, people! Before somebody gives me a STINK BUG bracelet. One gut punch for every bead!

vote daily ’til February 13. Thanks!

21 Comments

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Tagged a reminder to hug your kids, embracelet, giveaway, hugga bugga kids

Ketchup With Us #10

Posted on January 15, 2013 | 6 comments

Sunday, February 3 – Superbowl XLVII

Team-Who-Isn’t-the-Saints vs. Some-Other-Team-Who-Also-Isn’t-Them

at The Mercedez-Benz Superdome in New Orleans, Louisiana

(That’s okay, Drew. We’ll see you guys next year, right?)

* * * * * * * * * *

The big face off is just around the corner. And it got my friend, Mel, and me thinking … about who and what we take on every day. Is there someone … or something … you’re always trying to defeat? My list is so long that I didn’t even know where to start. Until I thought about my “babies.”

* * * * * * * * * *

How is it that the Boynton board books, baby booties and Nuk pacifiers have all been replaced by the Hunger Games trilogy, Nike Elite socks and iTouches?

I just turned my back for a minute to grab the camera.

Damn you, passing of time. Please slow down. My kids and I are not finished enjoying today yet.

Then …

… and now.

Seriously, where does the time go?

For a quick explanation of this link-up, click here. In short, Mel and I will post a picture or video with a writing prompt on the 1st and 15th of every month. You can write your entry in any form. We love creativity. And, with each prompt, we’ll feature a writer from the previous link-up. Which reminds me …

Our esteemed Ketchup With Us Featured Writer for today is …

Lumdog

The Rules of Play

Submit your entry using the linky at the bottom of our KWU posts.
Follow us on Facebook (Michele /Mel).
Follow us on Twitter (Michele/Mel) & tweet us your entry using the hashtag #KetchupWithUs.

Grab our Button!

olddognewtits.com

‘KETCHUP WITH US’ – Prompt #10

In 57 words or less, tell us about WHO (or WHAT) you go head to head with every day.

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Tagged according to mags, ketchup with us, link up, mel, prompt 10, Superbowl, what do you go head to head with, who do you go head to head with, writing prompt

Stolen Shoe Giveaway AND a Trifecta writing assignment

Posted on January 12, 2013 | 27 comments

Anyone remember the mysterious shoes that showed up on my doorstep last month? And, more importantly, anyone remember when I learned they were purchased by my dumbass credit card thief and decided to give them away here at ODNT?

Well, ladies and gentlemen …. THE SHOES HAVE SPOKEN!!

So now, in a spectacular display of womanly multitasking, I will reveal the winner of the contest while also answering Trifecta’s current writing prompt: “This weekend we’re asking for 33 words about a new beginning.”

Putting the Shoe on the Other Foot

In an effort to cleanse the souls (or should that be soles?) of these ill-begotten shoes and give them new purpose, I have elected to award them to my daughter’s fifth grade teacher.

Here she is now. Enjoying them in all of their newly-emerged-butterfly purity.

.

Screw you, thief.

27 Comments

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Tagged 33 words, a new beginning, shoe contest, shoe giveaway, stolen shoes giveaway, trifecta, writing prompt

Snowflakes for Sandy Hook …. and ODNT, Jr.

Posted on January 9, 2013 | 8 comments

Are you familiar with Snowflakes for Sandy Hook?

On December 21, just as school was letting out for the holidays, our principal sent an email detailing a special project for the children returning to school for the first time since the horrific tragedy on December 14. And, as fate would have it, my daughter, Vivien, had just set up a veritable sweatshop in her room with the intention of making snowflakes (thanks to a crafty idea shared by my friend, Mel) for every member of our entire family.

But … as soon as she read the email from our principal … she shifted her focus. She amended her original gift giving plan to be that each household (rather than each person) would receive a family snowflake so that she could free up her time to get started on her Snowflakes for Sandy Hook.

Then there was the problem of mail-ability. The snowflakes she’d been making were rather three-dimensional and likely wouldn’t fare well in a package traveling from New Orleans to Connecticut. So, she redesigned her snowflakes to a one-dimensional-but-still-very-lovely variety. She worked tirelessly with Herve the hamster at her side to the musical stylings of Alvin, Simon & Theodore and … in the end … turned out One Hundred and Fifty Snowflakes.

And I sent them off with this note.

I couldn’t be prouder of my dedicated little philanthropist.

* * * * * * * * * *

God bless all of the families affected by Sandy Hook. Here’s hoping we all have a very peaceful and healthy new year.

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Tagged snowflakes for sandy hook, when sandy hook kids return to school

O Christmas Tree, O Chri— What?!!? Some of us are still appreciating it!

Posted on January 8, 2013 | 23 comments

It’s January 8 and my Christmas tree is still up.

On purpose.

It’s the first year I can say that. I always aim to leave it up until January 6, partly because it’s Twelfth Night (also known as Kings Day, the opening day to Mardi Gras season here in New Orleans) and partly because I just like having the thing up. It’s like my wedding dress. I elected to wear it throughout my entire reception and exit still draped in all its regal glory via a horse drawn carriage in the middle of the French Quarter. Why change into a stupid travel suit? You only get to wear that dress (hopefully) once in your lifetime.

And you only get to host your tree for a short time each year.

Truth? I get a little weepy whenever I think about this tree being the only one that will ever belong to 13-year-old Dean and 10-year-old Vivien. They both just love it … the selection process, the decorating, Vivien even names ours every year. This year’s model is Rosemary. And she’s beautiful, isn’t she? Still green and retaining most of her needles.

Standing at almost nine feet, “Rosemary” is a proud Frasier Fir if I’ve ever seen one.

And then there are the ornaments. Not one of them could be worth more than a few dollars. But they’re invaluable to me, creating a time capsule of my life. I’m eternally grateful that the box containing them was stored high in my attic (the side that retained its roof) for Hurricane Katrina.

Here are just a few more of the reasons my tree is still up. For the time being.

One of my favorites from my childhood. I’m pretty sure I took it without asking. Oops. (Sorry, Mom.)

Another one I literally stole from my parents. It’s just a simple little guy made of pipe cleaners and paper … but it’s the hands down favorite to hang on my tree each year. Dave and the kids literally squabble over who gets to do the honors every time.

Yes, it’s a nun. Back when I had the luxury of spare time, I used to do a lot of community theater. One such play in which I was involved was The Sound of Music and one of my cast mates made and gave these out on opening night. That individual’s name, character and even gender totally eludes me now. (Thanks, nameless cast mate.)

From an old boss at one of my very first jobs.

Because we were married at Christmas time (many years ago) and thus were given a great many ornaments that December.

One of our favorites given to us at our ornament shower that year. I have no guesses as to the identity of the giver. Thanks, generous family member or friend from my past.

(Related: RIP Dansk Gooney Chicken Ball ornament given to us at that same party. She finally succumbed to holiday decorating this year. Thanks, Becky and Rich. It served us well.)

And then there were all the cute little Santas my dad gave us that holiday season.

And these toy soldiers. There were originally six of them but one bit it a few years ago. Thanks, Aunt Jackie. We still love them.

This one was handcrafted by my mother-in-law. She had three boys.

And this one was brought to us all the way over from Spain. Barcelona, I think. Thanks, Heather and John.

When we became parents, our tree reflected that life change immediately.

More than half of what’s hanging on my tree today was created by two very special little artists.

One of our newer, Vivien-crafted favorites that rivals piper cleaner Santa (see above).

It ticks Vivien off every year when I hang the tie-dyed paper angel she made me in PreK rather than the “perfect,” store-bought one we received as a wedding gift so many years ago. One day, when you’re a mom, you’ll understand, my girl.

And if they didn’t make the ornaments, they chose them.

Or Dave and I lied and said they did.

Some are merely inspired by my little people. This one comes from one of my boy’s catchphrases as a four-year-old, only his was “It’s not about the presents.”

From where Dean serendipitously attended kindergarten during our year as refugees living away from New Orleans after Katrina.

And an old favorite made even more special because it contains a reindeer bell left on our front lawn a few years ago on Christmas Eve by Santa and his magical crew.

Special family ornaments on the tree for each of my kids. The inspiration for the one on the right.

And a few family vacations …

… and because you have to support the home team …

… and the home cat …

… past and present. RIP Toby 1987 – 2002.

No, we don’t have one for Herve yet. So Vivien decided this chubby little sheep looks enough like a hamster that it can represent him for now …

… which probably really burns Herve because Milo actually has TWO ornaments on the tree.

Oh, and a new favorite given to me by my friend and partner-in-writing-crime. Thanks, Mel.

I’m sure we’ll get to taking the tree down soon. But … for now … I’m just going to enjoy her memories, her distinctive scent and the soft light she casts in my living area whenever she’s illuminated.

Happy January, world.

23 Comments

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Tagged christmas tree still up in january, ornaments from vacation, special ornaments

The ODNT Job Search – Think TRAINING Cats is as Hard as HERDING Them?

Posted on January 3, 2013 | 15 comments

The beginning of the year is always a good time to look for a part-time job to earn a little extra cheese. And, time and again, Craigslist.com has proven to be a very reliable resource, offering an endless stream of colorful opportunities for enterprising, young go-getters … or, you know, me. Recently, I came across three such opportunities for employment. Here they are, in no particular order, for your perusal. (And don’t any of you go getting any ideas to snake my job ops. Uncool.)

Are you guys thinking what I’m thinking?

Why take ONE job when I can triple-dip and take ALL of them?!!? I can make three times the money … or Frito-Lay products, cat food or whatever currency in which they’re paying me.

So here’s the plan. I need to go live on the cat farm and coach the little suckers (Relax, I said suckers … with an “S’) in the ancient arts of mime and clairvoyance. If I can get a few of the cats to simulate a tug-of-war match or walking against the wind while a few others read tea leaves, I should be able to make enough money to carry my family until summer. Of course, if I could get just one to utter “I see dead people” from inside an invisible box in which he’s trapped, I should be able to put both of my kids through college. And possibly some of yours.

You know what? I need to go. I see a cash cow in the making. I need to get a jump on this thing before someone else beats me to the punch on this whole cat version of Marcel-Marceau-meets-Uri-Geller. (starting to panic) Where the hell is Milo?!!? He can be my first pupil. Milo, MIIIIIIILLLLLOOOO! Here kitty, kitty, kitty….

Seriously, he is SO jazzed about his 15 minutes. (It’s actually about two hours in cat years.) Here he is … already mastering the skill of MIMING LEVITATION. I am gonna be soooo freakin’ rich, you guys.

15 Comments

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Tagged cat farm, Craig's List, looking for a job, mime, paranormal, three jobs in one, training cats

Ketchup With Us #9

Posted on January 1, 2013 | 8 comments

HAAAAAAAAAAAPPPY NEW YEARRRRRRRR!!!!!

* * * * * * * * * *

What are YOUR New Year’s resolutions?

And, when Mel and I ask that, what we mean is … what are YOU giving up for only two days and then caving on to remind yourself and the world that you are a miserable failure at New Year’s Resolutions?

I make my own list every year. And, by the end of the first week, the back of it has served as a grocery list and there’s a good chance I’ve used one of its corners for an old wad of gum. We try, we fail. I think that THAT in fact is my annual tradition. And here’s one of my favorite surefire fails that I like to throw out there each January 1st.

I say it every year. And I always try but never succeed. It’s the mark of a good mother, isn’t it? And, surely, everyone else wants to see it happen, too. Of course, maybe the fact that I can’t give it up is simply because …

NOBODY LISTENS TO ME UNLESS I AM YELLING!

Yes. Well, he does look a little more like he’s singing opera than yelling. But I thought it would make a damned funny visual.

* * * * * * * * * *

Our esteemed Ketchup With Us Featured Writer for today is …

Ruby Manchanda

* * * * * * * * * *

The Rules of Play

Submit your entry using the linky at the bottom of our KWU posts.
Follow us on Facebook (Michele /Mel).
Follow us on Twitter (Michele/Mel) & tweet us your entry using the hashtag #KetchupWithUs.

Grab our Button!

olddognewtits.com

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

‘KETCHUP WITH US’ – Prompt #9

In 57 words or less, tell us about the New Year’s resolution you WANT to make but KNOW you’ll break.

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Tagged according to mags, ketchup with us, link up, making a resolution to give up yelling, mel, new year's resolutions, new year's resolutions you know you'll break, prompt 9, writing prompt

Let’s take a look at 2012, shall we? Wait … come back!

Posted on December 31, 2012 | 13 comments

One year ago today, I wrote a little recap of 2011 highlights so it seems only appropriate that I do that again today for 2012. It’s a lot like looking at someone’s honeymoon pictures. It’s really more fun for me but you’re already here and I just put out the good towels and fancy soaps so you may as well as stay a minute and have a look, right? (Sound of door locking behind you.)

It’s hard to believe ODNT is 16 months old. We’re now walking and even trying to carry little loads with us from here to there. We really need to baby proof the place soon as there’s no telling what we could get into. We’re getting pretty adept with our fingers and can probably stack as many as three blocks into a tower or turn the pages of a book. And, apparently, we’re all supposed to know what to do with crayons by now. It’s been a fun ride to blog toddlerhood (blogglerhood?) … and here are just a few of the milestones we hit along the way this year.

Since its inception on 8/22/11 – we have gotten more than 86,000 hits. I have no idea how that compares to anything …. but it sure sounds good, doesn’t it? (The Bloggess probably gets this many each day before 8am.)

The busiest day of the year for viewership was September 10, right after I wrote a little recap for the Million Milf March. (Hats off to my new friend, Hot Mess Mom. Thanks for including me in the party.)

The most viewed posts of the year:

The most commented on post of the year was The 30 People Who Can Share My Birthday Crown.

Our readers have come from 125 countries on 6 of the 7 continents. I’m still missing Antarctica … and Greenland, for Pete’s sake. GREENland! My whole freakin’ blog is GREEN. (Note to 2013 me: Break down barriers with Greenland. Bone up on my Greenland vernacular and pop culture icons such as Jesper Gronkjaer and Nive Nielsen.)

I want to thank most sincerely the biggest referrers to ODNT:

The five most popular searches for this blog (and I am omitting all “tit,” “breast” and “boob” references) are as follows:

Kids Today Are Soft – The fact that the divide between my own childhood and that of my kids is so much greater than the gap between mine and my parents’ makes me feel … well … eighty.
Posy Lane Coupon Code – Remember my towel wrap promotion? Bet these folks would love to know how much that post is viewed.
Foods that End in O – Wow. I can barely believe this is even a thing, much less that I wrote about it.
Hunger Games Writing Assignment – I wrote a couple of prequels, and so did about 65K other people.
Kleinpeter Milk – Yay! Best Dairy Company in the World!

Happy New Year, everyone! Be safe tonight!

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Flu … for @TrifectaWriting

Posted on December 29, 2012 | 22 comments

The Trifecta writing assignment this weekend asks for “33 of your own words that exorcise a demon. One of your own, or one from your imagination.” My response is either perfect for this prompt or I’ve descended into hallucinatory, oatmeal-for-brains madness.

I can never be sure.

* * * * * * * * * *

Flu

* * * * * * * * * *

Her body stiffens. She is simultaneously hot and cold. The blanket antagonizes her skin. Breathing is labored. Involuntary attempts at expelling the impurity only heighten the pain.

And so she reaches for it.

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Tagged 33 words, exorcising a demon, flu, hello to my good friend brain tomahawk, theraflu, trifecta, writing assignment, writing prompt

Salt and Pepper.

Meat and Potatoes.

Lucy and Ethel.

Easily manage your bills and accounts for FREE with Manilla.

Introducing the Embracelet

Anyone who knows me at all knows that this kind of jewelry is right up my alley. Case in point: Also pictured is my 10-year anniversary band from Marie Laveau’s Voodoo Shop right here in New Orleans. It was $10. Dave has no idea how lucky he is. But I digress …

But, Michele, does it work?

If YOU win the Embracelet, who will you hug first?

* * * * * Got five seconds? * * * * *

Please click that FANCY PANTS PINK BALL (above) to visit the Circle of Moms site and vote for ODNT for Top 25 Funny Moms.

I need this, people! Before somebody gives me a STINK BUG bracelet. One gut punch for every bead!

vote daily ’til February 13. Thanks!

Sunday, February 3 – Superbowl XLVII

Team-Who-Isn’t-the-Saints vs. Some-Other-Team-Who-Also-Isn’t-Them

at The Mercedez-Benz Superdome in New Orleans, Louisiana

* * * * * * * * * *

* * * * * * * * * *

Then …

… and now.

Seriously, where does the time go?

Our esteemed Ketchup With Us Featured Writer for today is …

The Rules of Play

Grab our Button!

‘KETCHUP WITH US’ – Prompt #10

Well, ladies and gentlemen …. THE SHOES HAVE SPOKEN!!

Putting the Shoe on the Other Foot

In an effort to cleanse the souls (or should that be soles?) of these ill-begotten shoes and give them new purpose, I have elected to award them to my daughter’s fifth grade teacher.

Here she is now. Enjoying them in all of their newly-emerged-butterfly purity.

Screw you, thief.

Are you familiar with Snowflakes for Sandy Hook?

I couldn’t be prouder of my dedicated little philanthropist.

* * * * * * * * * *

God bless all of the families affected by Sandy Hook. Here’s hoping we all have a very peaceful and healthy new year.

Standing at almost nine feet, “Rosemary” is a proud Frasier Fir if I’ve ever seen one.

One of my favorites from my childhood. I’m pretty sure I took it without asking. Oops. (Sorry, Mom.)

Another one I literally stole from my parents. It’s just a simple little guy made of pipe cleaners and paper … but it’s the hands down favorite to hang on my tree each year. Dave and the kids literally squabble over who gets to do the honors every time.

From an old boss at one of my very first jobs.

Because we were married at Christmas time (many years ago) and thus were given a great many ornaments that December.

One of our favorites given to us at our ornament shower that year. I have no guesses as to the identity of the giver. Thanks, generous family member or friend from my past.

(Related: RIP Dansk Gooney Chicken Ball ornament given to us at that same party. She finally succumbed to holiday decorating this year. Thanks, Becky and Rich. It served us well.)

And then there were all the cute little Santas my dad gave us that holiday season.

And these toy soldiers. There were originally six of them but one bit it a few years ago. Thanks, Aunt Jackie. We still love them.

This one was handcrafted by my mother-in-law. She had three boys.

And this one was brought to us all the way over from Spain. Barcelona, I think. Thanks, Heather and John.

When we became parents, our tree reflected that life change immediately.

More than half of what’s hanging on my tree today was created by two very special little artists.

One of our newer, Vivien-crafted favorites that rivals piper cleaner Santa (see above).

It ticks Vivien off every year when I hang the tie-dyed paper angel she made me in PreK rather than the “perfect,” store-bought one we received as a wedding gift so many years ago. One day, when you’re a mom, you’ll understand, my girl.

And if they didn’t make the ornaments, they chose them.

Or Dave and I lied and said they did.

Some are merely inspired by my little people. This one comes from one of my boy’s catchphrases as a four-year-old, only his was “It’s not about the presents.”

From where Dean serendipitously attended kindergarten during our year as refugees living away from New Orleans after Katrina.

And an old favorite made even more special because it contains a reindeer bell left on our front lawn a few years ago on Christmas Eve by Santa and his magical crew.

Special family ornaments on the tree for each of my kids. The inspiration for the one on the right.

And a few family vacations …

… and because you have to support the home team …

… and the home cat …

… past and present. RIP Toby 1987 – 2002.

No, we don’t have one for Herve yet. So Vivien decided this chubby little sheep looks enough like a hamster that it can represent him for now …

… which probably really burns Herve because Milo actually has TWO ornaments on the tree.

Oh, and a new favorite given to me by my friend and partner-in-writing-crime. Thanks, Mel.

Are you guys thinking what I’m thinking?

Seriously, he is SO jazzed about his 15 minutes. (It’s actually about two hours in cat years.) Here he is … already mastering the skill of MIMING LEVITATION. I am gonna be soooo freakin’ rich, you guys.

HAAAAAAAAAAAPPPY NEW YEARRRRRRRR!!!!!

* * * * * * * * * *

I say it every year. And I always try but never succeed. It’s the mark of a good mother, isn’t it? And, surely, everyone else wants to see it happen, too. Of course, maybe the fact that I can’t give it up is simply because …

NOBODY LISTENS TO ME UNLESS I AM YELLING!

Yes. Well, he does look a little more like he’s singing opera than yelling. But I thought it would make a damned funny visual.

* * * * * * * * * *

Our esteemed Ketchup With Us Featured Writer for today is …

* * * * * * * * * *

The Rules of Play

Grab our Button!

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

‘KETCHUP WITH US’ – Prompt #9

Happy New Year, everyone! Be safe tonight!

* * * * * * * * * *

Flu

* * * * * * * * * *

Her body stiffens. She is simultaneously hot and cold. The blanket antagonizes her skin. Breathing is labored. Involuntary attempts at expelling the impurity only heighten the pain.

**In an effort to cleanse the souls (or should that be soles?) of these ill-begotten shoes and give them new purpose, I have elected to award them to my daughter’s fifth grade teacher.**

**NOBODY LISTENS TO ME UNLESS I AM YELLING!**