So I’ve taken on a big writing project. Huge. At least by my standards. (We’ll talk more about that later. Maybe.) Anyway, in the meantime, several things are liable to take a hit. Like laundry, timely bill paying, my interpersonal relationships, basic hygiene and sometimes, just maybe, the blog.
I know. There are six people who are really upset right now.
Well relax, six people. I won’t let you down. My point, and I do have one * … is that I’ll just be trying to make you laugh … or cry … or go hmmmmm a little faster these days so I have enough time to get to everything. Which brings me to today’s writing prompt, brought to us by MamaKat. It’s soooo easy. All I’m asked for today is “A funny text exchange.”
Fortunately for me, I am surrounded by a gaggle of half-baked lunatics … card-carrying nut jobs … sharp-witted comedians with which I often exchange my idiot brand of humor. You guys remember Vanessa, right? Here are just a few samples:
Three days later, when I was a little less shy about it …
Two weepily nostalgic mothers looking at baby pics of their giant kids …
… Or just daily minutiae.
* The first book written by Ellen DeGeneres who, by coincidence, does a recurring segment on her show called “Clumsy Thumbsy” about funny text exchanges courtesy of auto-correct. Sadly, I text with the dexterity of a fifteen year old so I don’t encounter many of the errors. Don’t worry though. I’ll keep trying.
I love you, Ellen. I assume you’re reading, right?
7am – This shot is supposed to represent breakfast. Which I made for three people but skipped myself.
8am – Sometimes I’m jealous of moms living in nudist colonies.
9am – Finishing up an article and catching up with MamaKat.
10am – Would someone please put soap on the grocery list?
11am – Off to a freelance writing appointment. In my RENTAL. Grrr.
12pm – The welcoming private home where my appointment took place.
1pm – My lunch from The Green Fork. There’s spinach and avocado in that cup. And I love it. I just can’t always be around people a few hours later. (cough)
2pm – Thank you, Target, for not being Wal-Mart.
3pm – Checking my girl out early to make it to her volleyball game.
4pm – We WON!!! Also … they had NACHOS!!!
5pm – “Well, your dad’s not home yet so you’re stuck with me. Sorry!”
6pm – Fish tacos. I’m kinda proud of myself. Of course, if I hadn’t been chronicling my day, we probably would have had Hot Pockets.
7pm – Getting an estimate on redoing all the finishes in my hideous kitchen.
8pm – Taking a break from homework to catch up with Herve.
9pm – “You guys … nobody fed Milo today.”
10pm – “Mom! You’re finally reading it. What part are you on? Do you know about Vera yet?” my boy to his illiterate mother who managed to put off the book he has so wanted me to read for almost a year now.
11pm – Because without teeth, what are we really? Turtles?
Midnight(ish) – Night, everyone.
This post was written in response to MamaKat’s weekly writing prompt – “Take a picture every hour and show us what a day in your life is like.”
A rock star I’m not. My gig is actually way better.
Athleticism. We all know I have none. I’ve never scored a home run or a turkey or anything like that in my life. But she has. I guess that’s where Vivien gets it from.
Self-discipline. She eats anything she wants, always in moderation, and manages to stay slim. I’ve watched her break a Nutter Butter in half and wrap up the remaining portion for later. While I slug back five. With chocolate milk. And extra peanut butter slathered on top.
Talent. Alright, fine. I have some of my own. But I’m talking about piano here. Like her own mother and grandmother, she plays circles around me. And always will.
Spirituality. Yes, I have my beliefs. But I’m just not as firmly rooted in them as she is. And sometimes I think that blind faith would offer a pretty amazing comfort in my life.
Career. Even after becoming a mother, she never stopped working. I chose to quit. No regrets. But I have so much respect for the fact that she did everything I’ve done all these years while also holding down a job at the same time.
Drive. Whatever she wants to do, she does it. Even if she can only take a baby step each day to get there. She will always reach her finish line. Always.
Mentorship. She’s been a teacher her whole life. For everything from English, Literature, French, Fine Arts and Music. I’ve even seen her teach Latin to my son, although she never actually took the class herself. Some people just have that innate ability. And she is one of them.
I love you, Mom
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This post was written in response to two writing prompts. (Go, me.) The first is from MamaKat who asks us to list 7 qualities your mother has that you wish you had, too. And the second is from TrifectaWriting who asks us to write something in 333 words or less using the following word & definition : turkey – three successive strikes in bowling.
“There’s a hundred and four days of summer vacation and school comes around just to end it.”
Check your facts, Phineas. Or Ferb. Or whoever’s responsible for this erroneous little jingle. It seems like summer is getting shorter and shorter each year. I think that’s in part because it actually is. Unfortunately, it’s also because each summer is, mathematically speaking, becoming a smaller fraction of my children’s lives. When I think back on our past first-days-of-school, it blows my mind how many are now merely part of my family photo album. How can that be? How can the time be passing so quickly??? AND WOULD SOMEBODY PLEASE TELL ME HOW I’M GOING TO HANDLE MY BABIES GOING OFF TO COLLEGE?!!?
Mothers are some of the bravest creatures I know. Not because we learn to annihilate giant wasp nests that attach themselves to the family swing set or single-handedly take on Cujo-like dogs at the park when we see them eyeing our child deliciously (both true stories), but because we stare our biggest fear in the face every single day. We care for our little people from the moment we meet them, straddling the fence between helping them and nurturing their independence. We want them beside us where we know we can keep them safe and witness every milestone, yet we force ourselves to give them little nudges and loosen our grips so they can explore and learn a bit on their own. We remind ourselves it’s for their own good as well as our own. And, before we know it, we find that they’re venturing far enough to be sometimes entirely out of view which, although excruciating, we know is necessary for their development. And we tell ourselves, somewhat mechanically, that everything will be just fine.
And it usually is.
But somewhere between releasing their chubby hands to let them “Do it by mySELF!” and shopping for cell phones so we can maintain some form of connection with them, we look up and realize that our children have really grown up on us. Thankfully, they do still need us. (For the record, I will never stop needing my own parents.) But it’s different. And we, as mothers, have no choice but to accept this change as a “normal” and “healthy” part of life.
If any of you figure out how to do that, please enlighten me. Until then, I’ll be in the back of my closet.
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My girl’s first days …. all the way back to preschool
I love lists. And I can think of a list of reasons why I love them. But number one is that I can work in small chunks. Which I think is how you’re also supposed to chew. But who has time for that? Chewing is so 1999. Anyway, I’m all over the place with this one. Some are funny, some are serious … but all of them are real. So here they are. In, of course, no particular order.
My Ten Biggest Fears (or the first ten that came to me in the bathroom this morning) …
1. Roaches. Especially the big ones. Their wiggly antennae, their unpredictable ability to fly, even the crunch of their exoskeletons once extinguished. I have yet to understand their purpose.
2. Milo. When I know he’s pissed at me for some sort of human-on-cat infraction and I’m walking to my bed through a quiet, darkened bedroom. Ankles exposed. And I see him waiting for me under the bed.
3. My reflection in the bathroom in the middle of the night. Because of all the stupid urban legends about Bloody Mary and other demonic possessions who live inside the mirror from my youth.
4. The dude from Scream. I’ve had one too many vivid images of him slipping quietly into my side door when I’m home alone and dumb enough to take out the garbage after dark.
5. Swimming in open water. I’m absolutely positive I will be eaten.
6. My babies moving away to college. And never coming back.
7. And while I’m on the subject … my kids getting hurt in any way. I witnessed a terrible accident involving a child when I was a child myself. And I just … can’t … shake … it.
8. Large, bitey dogs. Or cats, possum, rodents, anything with a pulse really. No matter how many times people tell me they’re more afraid of me. I cry bullshit on that one. (See number 1, 2 & 5.)
9. Besides the legacy of my kids … of course … missing my chance to really leave my mark in this world. It’s still coming, you know.
10. Getting fat. (I’m going to make light of the eating disorder I dabbled in as a youth with this picture. And I’m sorry. It’s probably the most un-PC thing I’ve ever posted. But if Courtney Cox and Gwyneth Paltrow can get away with it … then, damn it, why can’t I?)
In response to MamaKat’s weekly writing prompt, I am sharing some of my favorite quotations. Six of them to be exact. Which was pretty challenging. It’s like when someone asks me to pick a favorite song … or movie … or kid. Actually, I can usually answer that last one but the answer varies. And it doesn’t always share my last name.
Anyway, here they are. In no particular order. I went with the first six that popped into my head. Needless to say, there are many more I could list here. And my brain droned on and on with other suggestions for hours. But rules are rules, brain. And we agreed. Only six.
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“It’s true you know. You’re only young once. But, if you work it right, once is enough.” – Gidget
I used this quote in my high school yearbook. And I’m talking about TV’s Sally Field (not Sandra Dee of the movie) for the record. The show came on in syndication back then and Gidget was a high school nickname of mine. So the quote seemed fitting. Never mind the fact that all of my fellow classmates were quoting heavy hitters like Nietzche, Gandhi and Demosthenes.
“Two roads diverged in a wood, and I, I took the one less traveled by, And that has made all the difference.” – Robert Frost
I can still remember reading these famous lines for the first time in school. They’ve always struck me. Pure poetry. Literally.
“To love another person is to see the face of God.” – Victor Hugo
Fine. Make fun of me. I can take it. I’m comfortable enough as a person to state unequivocally that some of the lines from Les Miserables get me every time. And, as if they weren’t salient enough, when my young daughter sings them to me, well …. in a word … Kleenex.
“Has anyone in this family ever even seen a chicken?” – Michael Bluth
There is a magnet on my refrigerator featuring this quote. It’s one of thousands I could have written here from the short-lived FOX Classic Arrested Development. Yes, I am a disciple. Yes, I will be tuning in for the new episodes. And, yes, I cannot WAIT for the movie.
“I find that a duck’s opinion of me is very much influenced by whether or not I have bread.” – Mitch Hedberg
This man was funny. It’s not often that I laugh out loud at something that someone does on purpose. But I was never able to stay quiet through much of what he said.
“It came without ribbons! It came without tags! It came without packages, boxes or bags!” – Theodor Geisel
In truth, I could have listed any couplet from this entire book. But I think I’m especially fond of this one ever since Smithers and Mr. Burns spoofed it so beautifully back in 1993.
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What about YOU?
Do you have a favorite quote you want to share with the class?
I just heard about a new link up at a blog called Mama Kat’s Losin’ It. Participants are offered a choice of five different writing prompts. I chose “Ten Things I Don’t Know How to Do.” Coming up with stuff I suck at? Piece of cake. And, being the curious cat that I am, I decided to take a look at the non-accomplishments of some of the other writers for ideas. I expected to see a lot of stuff like Ride a Bike, Drive a Stick Shift and other fundamental life skills. Instead, I read that my fellow entrants couldn’t do things like Fly a Plane, Feed a Manatee or Conduct Analysis of Job Cost & Profitability. (sweating) What??? (more sweating) Holy crap. I don’t know how to do any of those things either.
Of course, since I’m telling time, remembering to feed myself and lacing my own shoes, I guess I’ll consider it a victory. Still, there’s a lot of basic stuff I never mastered. Here’s a sad but honest look at some of my (cough) personal deficiencies.
Ten Things I Don’t Know How To Do (and will never learn)
1. Dive. You will never teach me to leap toward anything leading with my skull. You people are insane.
2. French braid. Much to the chagrin of my young daughter, I can barely manage to give her a decent pony tail. At this point, she’s completely given up on me and branched out on her own. Braids, twists, buns … she’s perfected them all. “Poor mama,” she says, patting my head condescendingly.
3. Line dance. Not now, not ever. Not only do I not know the “moves” to these “dances,” I hate the very idea of them and was the bitchy bride who attempted to ban them from her wedding. Of course, my band and guests overruled me. And when Strokin‘ wafted across the ballroom, they thought they could peer pressure … guilt … encourage me to join them on the dance floor. They did not.
4. Get the fitted sheet on my bed. I try. Lord, how I try. Corner by corner. The first one is simple. The second satisfying as it creates an edge. The third is a little harder but I can see the freshly laundered surface coming together. But the fourth? Not a chance. It’s just too tight for my weakling arms to get into position. And I’m left either (a) calling for reinforcements or (b) putting a pillow over it until someone else gets home.
5. Replace the bottle on a water cooler. Another shout out to my weak arms. But don’t make fun. Have you ever tried it? That sonovabitch is heavy. And I think my story can be best told by watching 30 Rock’s Liz Lemon in action.
I wish I knew how to select only a portion of a YouTube video. Sadly, THAT IS YET ANOTHER THING I CAN’T DO.
So might I ask you to scroll to the 1:22 minute mark to see the clip?
6. Hit a baseball. Same for tennis, softball, lacrosse. Nothing with hand-to-eye coordination, people. And I promise I’m not exaggerating. Remind me to tell you about the time my injury shut down the batting cages someday.
7. Operate a DVR. I mean, I probably COULD if I actually OWNED one, said the proud owner of two VCRs.
8. Change the time on my bedside alarm clock. We have a total of eight clocks in the house and two in our vehicles that need to be adjusted whenever there is a power outage or time change. I’ve mastered all but one. And that one just happens to be the clock to which I spent the most time in close proximity. I just press a series of buttons in random but desperate succession until my mission is accomplished. The whole process usually takes about 5-7 minutes. And I always walk away from the job frustrated and stressed that I might have accidentally set the alarm for some ungodly time in the middle of the night.
9. Cook rice. It seems easy enough. And I’ve driven friends crazy over the years with my questions. I follow the directions to the letter but, inevitably, I always wind up having either to add more water to the bottom-burning concoction or boil out the excessive liquid. Which then creates sticky rice. Perhaps I should seek work as a sushi chef.
10. Perform CPR/Heimlich maneuver. Sure, I attended parenting classes prior to giving birth to my first child. But that was more than a decade ago. And I was eight months pregnant. And the room was hot. And all I could think about was peanut butter. At this point, I think my best memory of the procedures is from a Jeffersons episode where George is forced to perform CPR on a clansman. It was a “very special” episode.
What about YOU?
Do you have any failures you want to share with the class?
Just writing about the daily dumbassery of life. The good, the bad and the so-utterly-mundane-that-you'd-think-I-wouldn't-even-bother-to-write-about-it.
Three days later, when I was a little less shy about it …
OldDogNewTits 