Today’s KWU preamble will be short and sweet. Mel and I are talking about celebrity encounters. Have you ever met someone famous? I’ve racked up a few big names over the years … and I have a prized stack of pictures somewhere to prove it. Some of them (such as Donny & Marie, Siskel & Ebert and Kelsey Grammar) I’ve already written about here and others (such as Katie Couric, Hugh Jackman & Renee Zellweger) I have not.
But I decided to go with someone unconventional today.
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I met this charming actress years ago in New York after seeing her in a play entitled August: Osage County. (It won the Tony that year, by the way). As soon as she walked onto the stage, I recognized her (uncultured buffoon that I am). And I was giddy to have the opportunity to take this picture.
That’s me with Kimberly Guerrero.
Don’t remember her? Perhaps this clip will jog your memory.
For a quick explanation of this link-up, click here. In short, Mel and I will post a picture or video with a writing prompt on the 1st and 15th of every month. You can write your entry in any form. We love creativity. And, with each prompt, we’ll feature a writer from the previous link-up. Which reminds me …
Our esteemed Ketchup With Us Featured Writer for today is …
In 57 words or less, tell us about a “celebrity encounter.” (We’ll let you interpret those terms however you like.) And, if you can, include a picture.
Are you still here? Fine. Here’s a bonus picture from when I shed the costume. It looks like I had to pee pretty badly, but I didn’t. What a spaz.
In response to MamaKat’s weekly writing prompt, I am sharing some of my favorite quotations. Six of them to be exact. Which was pretty challenging. It’s like when someone asks me to pick a favorite song … or movie … or kid. Actually, I can usually answer that last one but the answer varies. And it doesn’t always share my last name.
Anyway, here they are. In no particular order. I went with the first six that popped into my head. Needless to say, there are many more I could list here. And my brain droned on and on with other suggestions for hours. But rules are rules, brain. And we agreed. Only six.
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“It’s true you know. You’re only young once. But, if you work it right, once is enough.” – Gidget
I used this quote in my high school yearbook. And I’m talking about TV’s Sally Field (not Sandra Dee of the movie) for the record. The show came on in syndication back then and Gidget was a high school nickname of mine. So the quote seemed fitting. Never mind the fact that all of my fellow classmates were quoting heavy hitters like Nietzche, Gandhi and Demosthenes.
“Two roads diverged in a wood, and I, I took the one less traveled by, And that has made all the difference.” – Robert Frost
I can still remember reading these famous lines for the first time in school. They’ve always struck me. Pure poetry. Literally.
“To love another person is to see the face of God.” – Victor Hugo
Fine. Make fun of me. I can take it. I’m comfortable enough as a person to state unequivocally that some of the lines from Les Miserables get me every time. And, as if they weren’t salient enough, when my young daughter sings them to me, well …. in a word … Kleenex.
“Has anyone in this family ever even seen a chicken?” – Michael Bluth
There is a magnet on my refrigerator featuring this quote. It’s one of thousands I could have written here from the short-lived FOX Classic Arrested Development. Yes, I am a disciple. Yes, I will be tuning in for the new episodes. And, yes, I cannot WAIT for the movie.
“I find that a duck’s opinion of me is very much influenced by whether or not I have bread.” – Mitch Hedberg
This man was funny. It’s not often that I laugh out loud at something that someone does on purpose. But I was never able to stay quiet through much of what he said.
“It came without ribbons! It came without tags! It came without packages, boxes or bags!” – Theodor Geisel
In truth, I could have listed any couplet from this entire book. But I think I’m especially fond of this one ever since Smithers and Mr. Burns spoofed it so beautifully back in 1993.
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What about YOU?
Do you have a favorite quote you want to share with the class?
Happy April Fool’s Day! I’m a real holiday person. Halloween, Thanksgiving, Christmas … my family even has an annual tradition for Groundhog Day. (We’ll discuss that next February.) But when it came to April Fool’s Day, I was stumped. Ever since Mel informed me that she is married to the grand master of pranks and practical jokes, I began scrolling through the dusty card catalog that is my brain but my stories couldn’t even come close to hers. So I turned to my old friend, Television, for help. He’s always been there for me and I knew he’d pull me through. And, after sifting through old memories of everything from Johnny Carson to Ashton Kutcher, I finally remembered these four fools. (Thanks, Vanessa & Wayne, for introducing me to their show.)
The Impractical Jokers
They live to embarrass the snot out of each other. It’s a miracle that none of them has been flattened by one of their unsuspecting victims. From stealing food off people’s buffet plates to throwing a tantrum to get a stranger to buy them something to impersonating a blind opthamologist, there is nothing they won’t do.
For a quick explanation of this link-up, click here. In short, Mel and I will post a picture or video with a writing prompt on the 1st and 15th of every month. You can write your entry in any form. We love creativity. And, with each prompt, we’ll feature a writer from the previous link-up. Which reminds me …
Our esteemed Ketchup With Us Featured Writer for today is …
I just heard about a new link up at a blog called Mama Kat’s Losin’ It. Participants are offered a choice of five different writing prompts. I chose “Ten Things I Don’t Know How to Do.” Coming up with stuff I suck at? Piece of cake. And, being the curious cat that I am, I decided to take a look at the non-accomplishments of some of the other writers for ideas. I expected to see a lot of stuff like Ride a Bike, Drive a Stick Shift and other fundamental life skills. Instead, I read that my fellow entrants couldn’t do things like Fly a Plane, Feed a Manatee or Conduct Analysis of Job Cost & Profitability. (sweating) What??? (more sweating) Holy crap. I don’t know how to do any of those things either.
Of course, since I’m telling time, remembering to feed myself and lacing my own shoes, I guess I’ll consider it a victory. Still, there’s a lot of basic stuff I never mastered. Here’s a sad but honest look at some of my (cough) personal deficiencies.
Ten Things I Don’t Know How To Do (and will never learn)
1. Dive. You will never teach me to leap toward anything leading with my skull. You people are insane.
2. French braid. Much to the chagrin of my young daughter, I can barely manage to give her a decent pony tail. At this point, she’s completely given up on me and branched out on her own. Braids, twists, buns … she’s perfected them all. “Poor mama,” she says, patting my head condescendingly.
3. Line dance. Not now, not ever. Not only do I not know the “moves” to these “dances,” I hate the very idea of them and was the bitchy bride who attempted to ban them from her wedding. Of course, my band and guests overruled me. And when Strokin‘ wafted across the ballroom, they thought they could peer pressure … guilt … encourage me to join them on the dance floor. They did not.
4. Get the fitted sheet on my bed. I try. Lord, how I try. Corner by corner. The first one is simple. The second satisfying as it creates an edge. The third is a little harder but I can see the freshly laundered surface coming together. But the fourth? Not a chance. It’s just too tight for my weakling arms to get into position. And I’m left either (a) calling for reinforcements or (b) putting a pillow over it until someone else gets home.
5. Replace the bottle on a water cooler. Another shout out to my weak arms. But don’t make fun. Have you ever tried it? That sonovabitch is heavy. And I think my story can be best told by watching 30 Rock’s Liz Lemon in action.
I wish I knew how to select only a portion of a YouTube video. Sadly, THAT IS YET ANOTHER THING I CAN’T DO.
So might I ask you to scroll to the 1:22 minute mark to see the clip?
6. Hit a baseball. Same for tennis, softball, lacrosse. Nothing with hand-to-eye coordination, people. And I promise I’m not exaggerating. Remind me to tell you about the time my injury shut down the batting cages someday.
7. Operate a DVR. I mean, I probably COULD if I actually OWNED one, said the proud owner of two VCRs.
8. Change the time on my bedside alarm clock. We have a total of eight clocks in the house and two in our vehicles that need to be adjusted whenever there is a power outage or time change. I’ve mastered all but one. And that one just happens to be the clock to which I spent the most time in close proximity. I just press a series of buttons in random but desperate succession until my mission is accomplished. The whole process usually takes about 5-7 minutes. And I always walk away from the job frustrated and stressed that I might have accidentally set the alarm for some ungodly time in the middle of the night.
9. Cook rice. It seems easy enough. And I’ve driven friends crazy over the years with my questions. I follow the directions to the letter but, inevitably, I always wind up having either to add more water to the bottom-burning concoction or boil out the excessive liquid. Which then creates sticky rice. Perhaps I should seek work as a sushi chef.
10. Perform CPR/Heimlich maneuver. Sure, I attended parenting classes prior to giving birth to my first child. But that was more than a decade ago. And I was eight months pregnant. And the room was hot. And all I could think about was peanut butter. At this point, I think my best memory of the procedures is from a Jeffersons episode where George is forced to perform CPR on a clansman. It was a “very special” episode.
What about YOU?
Do you have any failures you want to share with the class?
ME: Sure you do. It was a good one about how I looked just like another lady blogger.
YOU: (not even looking up from the book you’re reading, just shaking your head) Sorry. Don’t remember it.
ME: Aw, come on. The picture was in black and white? I even recreated it.
YOU: (sipping your coffee nonchalantly, you’ve actually taken another call at this point and are laughing at me with the person on the other end of the phone)
ME: (hysterically) ARE YOU FREAKIN’ KIDDING ME? DO YOU EVEN READ ODNT? (pulling out hair) Why do I try? Why, oh why, do I …
MEL/According to Mags: (ahem) Michele, you seem to have gotten off track, honey. Here. (smoothing hair) Why don’t you sit down and have a sip of your milk while I do the talking, okay? (turning away from the crazy) Hey, guys. This week’s prompt is pretty simple. Who’s your doppelgänger? Your twin? Your carbon copy? We want to know. To get you started, I’ve written one here for Michele. And she wrote one for me over at According to Mags. We’re interchangeable like that. (leaves room singing a familiar tune to herself) “But they’re bloggers, identical bloggers all the way … “
Michele’s Doppelgänger by Mel
The make-up applied just so. The hair braided, beaded and bedazzled to a tee. A signature hat that screams to a culture club. Of course, she added her own flair and style, but still unmistakable. This girl will tumble for ya and is a total chameleon. She has done Boy George proud. Her doppelganger he will be.
Her inspiration?
Uncanny, yes?
For a quick explanation of this link-up, click here. In short, Mel and I will post a picture or video with a writing prompt on the 1st and 15th of every month. You can write your entry in any form. We love creativity. And, with each prompt, we’ll feature a writer from the previous link-up. Which reminds me …
Our esteemed Ketchup With Us Featured Writer for today is …
Picture it. Two women loose in New York City. All family worries and concerns left back at home. And a whole day to soak in the culture, the museums, the live performances, the cuisine. What did they do? WHAT. DID. THEY. DO?
Remember the scene in Pretty Woman where Vivian (Julia) goes into the Rodeo Drive boutique and has her five-feet-off-the-ground butt served to her on a platter by a bunch of bitchy sales women? Yeah? Well, that’s pretty much what I expected when Mel and I walked into Prada on Fifth Avenue. Oh, wait. Did I forget to mention that Mel was wearing a giant ketchup costume?
Sure. I was a little puffed up when we walked in, waiting for them to call security as soon as they saw us. But instead … these people were AWESOME. It shocked the hell out of me. And it just goes to show that you don’t really know someone until you walk a mile in their shoes.
Which brings us to today’s prompt. Given the choice, whose shoes would you like to walk in for a day? Mine’s easy. I was going for sloth chic.
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I could sleep. All freakin’ day.
I could yell for food and get it. Immediately. No manners needed.
I could have people lined up to give me back rubs.
I could jump six times my height into the air.
If you piss me off, I could bite you. Viciously. And we’d be friends again in 15 minutes.
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For a quick explanation of this link-up, click here. In short, Mel and I will post a picture or video with a writing prompt on the 1st and 15th of every month. You can write your entry in any form. We love creativity. And, with each prompt, we’ll feature a writer from the previous link-up. Which reminds me …
Our esteemed Ketchup With Us Featured Writer for today is …
Ever notice how every two weeks … as we’re explaining how KWU works … Mel and I blather on and on about,threaten to mention the possibility of posting a video for the link-up? And yet, week after week, our lazy slack-asses never actually deliver on that promise, do we? DO WE?!!? Well, I’m tired of sitting on that magnificent throne of lies. So, I’m putting my ketchup where my mouth is (which ironically is where I always put it) as we give you our very first Ketchup With Us video prompt.
As you will see in the clip below, I just wanted a drink. Specifically something made with, duh, ketchup. The bartender was a great sport for putting up with our tomfoolery. I appreciate a little quirkiness in my barkeep … as well as in my drink. What about you?
I could take it or leave it as a FOOD.
But when put in a DRINK, I’ll order it every single time.
From the Pimm’s Cup at New Orleans’ Napoleon House to the Heat Cocktail at NYC’s Buddakan.
My thanks to the cucumber and creative mixologists everywhere who first took a chance on the little gourd.
Pimm’s Cup
1/2-in. thick English cucumber wheel
1/2-in. thick lemon wheel
2 oz. Pimm’s No. 1
4 oz. 7-Up, lemon-lime soda or ginger ale
lemon twist
Heat (a la Buddakan NYC)
Tequila
Cointreau
Cucumbers muddled with a chili paste
For a quick explanation of this link-up, click here. In short, Mel and I will post a picture or video (yes, we said VIDEO!) with a writing prompt on the 1st and 15th of every month. You can write your entry in any form. We love creativity. And, with each prompt, we’ll feature a writer from the previous link-up. Which reminds me …
Our esteemed Ketchup With Us Featured Writer for today is …
Superbowl Schmuperbowl. Yeah, sure. It’s this weekend. It’s even here in New Orleans. But it’s not my Saints or my friend, Mel’s Patriots. Plus, we already covered it in KWU #10. So we’re moving right on to Valentine’s Day. But you know we hardly ever do things the regular way in Ketchup Country, right? (I really wanted to type Ketchup Kountry but it seemed so … Cracker Barrel.)
That’s why instead of hearing about your sweetheart, your soulmate, the love of your life … the one you’re proud to call your own … we want to hear about someTHING or someONE that you’re embarrassed you love.
Me? Gosh, my mind just raced with possibilities. Velveeta cheese? Poison perfume? A certain Miley Cyrus song? Sigh. I wish I were joking. The mind loves what it loves. And even though I know I shouldn’t, I just can’t seem to shake this one.
He wrote “Like a Good Neighbor, State Farm is there.”
He accompanied Bette Middler for years.
He himself sold over 80 million records worldwide.
.
But it was his 1978 release that would forever burn itself in my memory. It will always belong only to my grandmother and me.
.
He is music … and he writes the songs.
Still don’t believe me?
Exhibit A: My keyring. It’s a memento from my last trip to Vegas in 2010.
For a quick explanation of this link-up, click here. In short, Mel and I will post a picture or video with a writing prompt on the 1st and 15th of every month. You can write your entry in any form. We love creativity. And, with each prompt, we’ll feature a writer from the previous link-up. Which reminds me …
Our esteemed Ketchup With Us Featured Writer for today is …
Team-Who-Isn’t-the-Saints vs. Some-Other-Team-Who-Also-Isn’t-Them
at The Mercedez-Benz Superdome in New Orleans, Louisiana
(That’s okay, Drew. We’ll see you guys next year, right?)
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The big face off is just around the corner. And it got my friend, Mel, and me thinking … about who and what we take on every day. Is there someone … or something … you’re always trying to defeat? My list is so long that I didn’t even know where to start. Until I thought about my “babies.”
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How is it that the Boynton board books, baby booties and Nuk pacifiers have all been replaced by the Hunger Games trilogy, Nike Elite socks and iTouches?
I just turned my back for a minute to grab the camera.
Damn you, passing of time. Please slow down. My kids and I are not finished enjoying today yet.
Then …
… and now.
Seriously, where does the time go?
For a quick explanation of this link-up, click here. In short, Mel and I will post a picture or video with a writing prompt on the 1st and 15th of every month. You can write your entry in any form. We love creativity. And, with each prompt, we’ll feature a writer from the previous link-up. Which reminds me …
Our esteemed Ketchup With Us Featured Writer for today is …
Well, ladies and gentlemen …. THE SHOES HAVE SPOKEN!!
So now, in a spectacular display of womanly multitasking, I will reveal the winner of the contest while also answering Trifecta’s current writing prompt: “This weekend we’re asking for 33 words about a new beginning.”
Putting the Shoe on the Other Foot
In an effort to cleanse the souls (or should that be soles?) of these ill-begotten shoes and give them new purpose, I have elected to award them to my daughter’s fifth grade teacher.
Here she is now. Enjoying them in all of their newly-emerged-butterfly purity.
Just writing about the daily dumbassery of life. The good, the bad and the so-utterly-mundane-that-you'd-think-I-wouldn't-even-bother-to-write-about-it.
OldDogNewTits 