The 2013 Great American Toast-Off

Just joining us for the Hamilton Beach Toaster Chronicles? Get up to speed by first reading these posts:

You: “Oh, my God! You are LITERALLY still writing about freakin’ toast?!!?”

Me: Dammit, (whatever your name is)! This is SCIENCE!”


Welcome, ladies and gentlemen, to the main event of the night … the 2013 Great American Toast-Off.

ON THE LEFT … weighing in at 3.1 pounds, hailing from the Hamilton Beach Warranty/Recall Center in Olive Branch, Mississippi … please welcome the NEWCOMERRRRRRRR!

ON THE RIGHT …  weighing in at 3.4 pounds, hailing from the shelf of a dirty Kmart in Metairie, Louisiana and leaving a trail of burned pastry in his infamous wake … please welcome the FIRRRRRRRE STARTERRRRRRR!

Okay, gentlemen, we want a clean fight. You’ll each be given 5 slices of bread upon which you’ll be expected to perform your duties using each of your five settings. Your performance will be timed and photographed on each of these settings. You cannot hit below the belt, hold, trip, kick, headbutt, wrestle, bite, spit on, or push your opponent. Remember to protect yourself at all times. Okay, touch gloves and come out at the bell!

 (Sound of Bell)



  1. 1:01 (Top left)
  2. 1:15 (Top right)
  3. 1:41 (Bottom left)
  4. 2:07 (Bottom right)
  5. 2:27 (Below) – The only one I would designate as “burned.” I still ate it. Out of spite.


THE FIRE STARTER —————20131209-132045.jpg

  1. 0:47 (Top left – Fine. This time. Just remember, the ONE thing he’s consistent about is his inconsistency.)
  2. 2:20 (Top right – Half burned.)
  3. 1:41 (Bottom left – I have no explanation for why he held back here. He’s shifty like that.)
  4. 2:29 (Bottom right – Burned.)
  5. 5:33 (Below – Charred to the point that his dental records would be unrecognizable. If toast had teeth.)


I should add that, BECAUSE I WAS FORCED TO HOLD THE SMOKING TOASTER OUT OF OF THE WINDOW for setting #4, I opted to test setting number #5 outdoors … using an external, grounded, weatherproof outlet on my back deck.

20131209-163700.jpgIt was a wise decision.

Ladies and gentlemen, I think we have a winner! (sounds of more dinging bells and a raucous audience)

And now I must go. I have a murder to premeditate.

(Trust me. This makes A LOT more sense if you’ve been following along since the beginning.)

Click here to read the next installment of the Hamilton Beach Toaster Chronicles.



14 responses to “The 2013 Great American Toast-Off

  1. Good move putting the firestarter outside for the final test. Here’s hoping it is smooth toasting from here on out. Happy toasting.

  2. I will sleep better tonight knowing that you will have your pastry of choice in the morning. CUT THE CORD…CUT THE CORD !

  3. Holy Sh!t…. Glad you finally got the replacement (took them long enough). Now kill it!

  4. The almost cross on new comers 3rd slice as if to reassure you of safe toasting til death do you part.

  5. I’m gonna Fire Starter. He was hot.
    And smoky.
    And potentially dangerously flamey.

  6. Good luck putting the Dang thing out of it’s misery!

  7. Setting #5 on the old toaster is seriously scary stuff. Good thinking testing that one outside. Hey, if you need someone to “knock off” the toaster I am pretty good at killing appliances, electronics, computers, etc etc.

  8. Oh my gosh, I’m dying. First time here from DYW Wednesday. I absolutely can’t wait to go back and read the previous posts. You crack me up!!! xoxo jules

  9. Bahahahaaaaaa! This is soooo funny!!! And no, I don’t need a recap for this to make sense at all!! Love it, can’t believe you’ve had to endure all the calls though. Perhaps you should send them the links to your posts, lol. Thanks so much for linking up today! Hope you get this resolved! 😉

  10. I couldn’t tell if my first one went through or not, so I’m rewriting it just in case. I’ll try to rewrite it verbatim, but I’ve got a bad memory, lol!

    Bahahahaaaaaaa!! This is soooo funny! And no, I don’t need a recap to explain this one, you did it quite well! Can’t believe you had to endure all that though! I hope you get it resolved! Thanks so much for linking up today…have a great week!

  11. Pingback: A Murder in Pictures (Sponsored by Hamilton Beach) | OldDogNewTits

  12. Olive Branch, Mississippi? Just how bad are their toasters if they had to name an entire burg after an apologetic herbivorous offering?!

  13. The black toast is very avant garde though… 😉 (Looks like the toast my husband makes)

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