Just joining us for the Hamilton Beach Toaster Chronicles? Get up to speed by first reading these posts:

• A Letter to Hamilton Beach … Toaster Department, Please
• Hamilton Beach Wrote Back! Cue the Pumpkin Pop-Tarts!
• Letter #2 to Hamilton Beach (Plus an Overdue Apology to Kmart)
• Wait! Hamilton Beach Doesn’t BELIEVE Me???
• Letter #3 to Hamilton Beach (I’m a lover, not a fighter)
• Hamilton Beach Wrote Back (I can almost smell the toast. Almost!)
• Letter #4 to Hamilton Beach (How am *I* the outlaw here?)
• The Toastman Cometh!

You: “Oh, my God! You are LITERALLY still writing about freakin’ toast?!!?”

Me: Dammit, (whatever your name is)! This is SCIENCE!”

Welcome, ladies and gentlemen, to the main event of the night … the 2013 Great American Toast-Off.

ON THE LEFT … weighing in at 3.1 pounds, hailing from the Hamilton Beach Warranty/Recall Center in Olive Branch, Mississippi … please welcome the NEWCOMERRRRRRRR!

ON THE RIGHT …  weighing in at 3.4 pounds, hailing from the shelf of a dirty Kmart in Metairie, Louisiana and leaving a trail of burned pastry in his infamous wake … please welcome the FIRRRRRRRE STARTERRRRRRR!

Okay, gentlemen, we want a clean fight. You’ll each be given 5 slices of bread upon which you’ll be expected to perform your duties using each of your five settings. Your performance will be timed and photographed on each of these settings. You cannot hit below the belt, hold, trip, kick, headbutt, wrestle, bite, spit on, or push your opponent. Remember to protect yourself at all times. Okay, touch gloves and come out at the bell!

 (Sound of Bell)

THE NEWCOMER ——————–

1. 1:01 (Top left)
2. 1:15 (Top right)
3. 1:41 (Bottom left)
4. 2:07 (Bottom right)
5. 2:27 (Below) – The only one I would designate as “burned.” I still ate it. Out of spite.
   

THE FIRE STARTER —————

1. 0:47 (Top left – Fine. This time. Just remember, the ONE thing he’s consistent about is his inconsistency.)
2. 2:20 (Top right – Half burned.)
3. 1:41 (Bottom left – I have no explanation for why he held back here. He’s shifty like that.)
4. 2:29 (Bottom right – Burned.)
5. 5:33 (Below – Charred to the point that his dental records would be unrecognizable. If toast had teeth.)

I should add that, BECAUSE I WAS FORCED TO HOLD THE SMOKING TOASTER OUT OF OF THE WINDOW for setting #4, I opted to test setting number #5 outdoors … using an external, grounded, weatherproof outlet on my back deck.

It was a wise decision.

Ladies and gentlemen, I think we have a winner! (sounds of more dinging bells and a raucous audience)

And now I must go. I have a murder to premeditate.

(Trust me. This makes A LOT more sense if you’ve been following along since the beginning.)

Click here to read the next installment of the Hamilton Beach Toaster Chronicles.