We lost a beloved family pet recently. (R.I.P. Herve) And the idea of replacing him has come up a few times in the last week. At first, I was opposed to it, but then I started wondering “Are pets really any harder to care for than my own children?!!?” Which prompted me to make a list.
(You know how I love my lists.)
Ten Ways Pets are
Better Easier than Kids
1. Pets will eat whatever you put in front of them.
Unfortunately, sometimes that might be medical paperwork, the remote control or your favorite shoes. So I guess that might not always be a good thing.
2. Pets are easily potty trained.
Of course, once your kids have it until control, you don’t have to follow them through the neighborhood with a plastic bag to carry their crap around with you for the next half hour.
3. Pets don’t ask you for money.
I honestly still can’t figure out how the cat manages to purchase Christmas presents for every member of the family year after year. He must work nights.
4. Pets never need help with homework.
I’m guessing it’s because they’re geniuses. Seriously, I have never been asked for help with vocabulary words, a book report, a messy science project or anything. That my pet is a genius can be the only explanation.
5. Pets have no carpools, no social events and no pricey after school activities.
Come to think of it, my cat never asks me to bring him anywhere … ever.
6. Pets never outgrow their clothes.
My cat’s been wearing the same collar for YEARS. He doesn’t bitch about its color or the fact that it’s not (cut to me rolling my eyes and making exaggerated air quotes) name brand. He just wears it day after day. With zero complaint.
7. Pets never beg to put candy, cookies and other diabetic-coma-inducing crap into the basket at the grocery store.
In my kids’ defense, this is probably mostly because I almost never bring the cat with me to the supermarket.
8. Pets require no bedtime ritual.
My cat puts himself to sleep, like, twenty times a day. He LOVES to sleep. There’s no whining, no crying, no pleading for “just one more story.” (Actually, that’s not true. My cat loves a good story.)
9. Pets don’t leave their crap all over the house.
And by crap, I mean stuff. Although, seriously, what does he really own?
10. Pets don’t talk back.
And if they ever did, I’d have to call the vet. Or an exorcist. Which is probably VERY expensive. And people would start making pilgrimages to my house to see the possessed animal. Then there would be reporters, Hollywood producers, talk show hosts, talent agents, shamans, pet food corporations and all kinds of other talking cat lover types beating down my door. I would never get any privacy.
Okay. So after re-examining my list, I guess it’s not really a fair comparison. Still, I’d say the little furry/feathery/scaly guys are probably a lot easier than their human counterparts.
If only I could just get Milo to start cleaning the bathrooms …
Look at the muscle in those furry orange arms. Don’t tell me he couldn’t hold a toilet brush.