My girl started school yesterday …


“There’s a hundred and four days of summer vacation and school comes around just to end it.”

Check your facts, Phineas. Or Ferb. Or whoever’s responsible for this erroneous little jingle. It seems like summer is getting shorter and shorter each year. I think that’s in part because it actually is. Unfortunately, it’s also because each summer is, mathematically speaking, becoming a smaller fraction of my children’s lives. When I think back on our past first-days-of-school, it blows my mind how many are now merely part of my family photo album. How can that be? How can the time be passing so quickly??? AND WOULD SOMEBODY PLEASE TELL ME HOW I’M GOING TO HANDLE MY BABIES GOING OFF TO COLLEGE?!!?

Mothers are some of the bravest creatures I know. Not because we learn to annihilate giant wasp nests that attach themselves to the family swing set or single-handedly take on Cujo-like dogs at the park when we see them eyeing our child deliciously (both true stories), but because we stare our biggest fear in the face every single day. We care for our little people from the moment we meet them, straddling the fence between helping them and nurturing their independence. We want them beside us where we know we can keep them safe and witness every milestone, yet we force ourselves to give them little nudges and loosen our grips so they can explore and learn a bit on their own. We remind ourselves it’s for their own good as well as our own. And, before we know it, we find that they’re venturing far enough to be sometimes entirely out of view which, although excruciating, we know is necessary for their development. And we tell ourselves, somewhat mechanically, that everything will be just fine.

And it usually is.

But somewhere between releasing their chubby hands to let them “Do it by mySELF!” and shopping for cell phones so we can maintain some form of connection with them, we look up and realize that our children have really grown up on us. Thankfully, they do still need us. (For the record, I will never stop needing my own parents.) But it’s different. And we, as mothers, have no choice but to accept this change as a “normal” and “healthy” part of life.

If any of you figure out how to do that, please enlighten me. Until then, I’ll be in the back of my closet.

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My girl’s first days …. all the way back to preschool

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2013

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2012

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2011

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2010

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2009

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2008

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2007

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2006

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This post was created in response to Mamakat’s weekly writing prompt asking us to write something inspired by the word brave. I also submitted it in response to her writing prompt asking us to tell about a first day of school.

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I Don't Like Mondays Blog Hop

It’s 2013, but if I were making a mix tape today …


I’m writing this post at 1:30 in the morning in response to my friend Jen’s Twisted Mix Tape Link-Up. She asks us to make a hypothetical mix tape (I’m going to assume everyone reading knows what an audiocassette is) for a friend. It’s my first time linking up and, since yesterday was his birthday, I think I’m going to make the tape for Dave. We’ve known each other now for more than two decades. Music (and laughing at the same stuff) is pretty much what brought us together. So it was hard to cull it down. I decided to pick a song per decade starting with the 50s and then cheated a little at the end.

Because it reminds me of the X-Files and every single time we hosted a party, especially at Mardi Gras.

Because it’s the Beatles and we’ve sung it together at the tops of our collective lungs so many times. Also, because it’s the Beatles.

Because it reminds me of the acoustic Squeeze concert we watched under a lunar eclipse in a parking lot with only about 50 other people. Who else can say that?

Because it’s one of those songs we always talk about that makes us happy and sad at the same time.

Because it reminds me of watching Sabrina, the Teenage Witch the night I went into labor with Dean.

Here’s where I cheated. I was supposed to stop at five songs. But who wants to be friends with someone who always follows the rules?

Because it elicits absolute euphoria. And I actually got to meet Tim DeLaughter. (I’m sorry you didn’t.) And because I can remember Vivien belting out this song in the back of the car. At age 3.

Because I remember listening to it right after I dropped off our babies (5 and 3) at foreign schools in a new place after we lost everything. And sobbing so hard that I had to pull the car over. Then returning to our borrowed home and doing it all over again with you.

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Happy Birthday, Dave.

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“Life is short, Break the Rules. Forgive quickly. Kiss slowly. Love truly. Laugh uncontrollably. And never regret ANYTHING that makes you smile.” – Mark Twain

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P.S. Mel and I also host a link-up called #KetchupWithUs. Because it involves two fool women parading around in public wearing nothing but ketchup costumes. We don’t take ourselves too seriously. And neither should you. For the current link-up, we just need one funny selfie. No words at all. Give us your best #BitchyRestingFace. (Guys are SO welcome.)

 

Allow me to introduce my friend, DJ Paris.


Who here knows DJ Paris? If you don’t, you should. Not everyone writing humor blogs on the internet is actually funny. I’m not even sure that I make more than three people laugh anymore. (Thanks, Mel, Vanessa and Mom.) But this dude is funny. And actually very tall and Nordic-looking. I just met him at the women’s conference I attended in Chicago last week. He was one of the SIX MEN there with SIX THOUSAND WOMEN. (Yes, that puts him in the 0.1-th percentile. And yes, I needed a calculator for that kind of math.)

Mel and I had communicated with him electronically lots of times prior to finally meeting him in Chicago. And he was, as expected, every bit as nice and funny in person. And thus I am pointing you in his direction (OMG! He’s standing RIGHT BEHIND YOU!) for two reasons:

  1. He’s funny and you won’t be wasting your time reading his stuff.
  2. He interviewed me recently for his podcast entitled ‘Bloggers Are Weird.’ (Hey! Wait a minute … So help me, if I weren’t so busy making a footed rain slicker for the cat … )

So if you want to hear DJ’s honed interviewing skills and my attempt at speaking S-L-O-W-L-Y and with ar-tic-u-LA-tion, click here to be transported to ThoughtsFromParis.com. Thanks, DJ. Whenever I hear your name, I will now think of your face first instead of child stars from Roseanne or Full House.

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As a guy, he garnered lots of attention at the women’s conference.


Next year, I’m wearing a chicken costume in a light-up snorkel mask. And I’m  entering on a Himalayan camel.

Game on, Mr. Paris.

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Ketchup With Us #23


A few weeks ago, my friend Vanessa showed me a YouTube video that recently went viral. Even if you’ve already seen it, click it now to get yourself in the zone.

Naturally, I shared it with Mel while dining in a hipster restaurant in Chicago. Then, we immediately began taking turns snapping our own versions of BRF. Everyone around us was “cool” so they thought we were a couple of uncouth buffoons. (We get that a lot actually.) And, of course, we didn’t stop with ourselves. We also took a few candids from the general public, including the hostess of said hipster restaurant. It was hysterically perfect. But I’m not sharing it here today. Because that would be, well, bitchy. Right?

Anyway, here are two of our favorites from the trip.

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Damn, I look ten years older with this stupid face.

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I can’t explain why but it’s easier to make the face when you’re dolled up.  

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For a QUICK EXPLANATION of this link-up, click here. In short, Mel and I will post a picture or video with a prompt on the 1st and 15th of every month. And, with each prompt, we’ll feature a linker from the previous KWU. Which reminds me …

Our esteemed Ketchup With Us Featured Writer for today is …

Gene

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RULES? WHO NEEDS ‘EM?!!?

The rules are … THERE ARE NO RULES! Just guidelines. And we’d love it if you posted our button and followed us on Facebook (Michele /Mel) and Twitter (Michele/Mel).

GRAB OUR BUTTON!

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‘KETCHUP WITH US’ – Prompt 23

Easiest link-up ever. All we want is a picture. Give us your best bitchy/asshole resting face. Blog-less? Email it to olddognewtits@gmail.com and we’ll create a post of these entries. Want to remain anonymous? Find one in a magazine. Models are notoriously plagued with this disease.

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The Day I Saw The Conjuring (aka The Day I Nearly Peed My Pants in Chicago)


By now, I think most of you know I went to the BlogHer conference in Chicago last weekend with my friend, Mel. We had a very memorable experience, complete with a great many noteworthy events. Among them? THE CONJURING. (Thanks to Grace Hill Media.)

Why did I just force myself to re-watch this trailer? Why? Why would I do that so close to my bedtime?!!? (Shuddering, shaking off the creepy imagery and taking a deep breath) Thanks to our so-precious-I-wanted-to-put-him-in-my-purse concierge, we were lucky enough to see it at the ICON Theatre where things like 40-ounce bottles of Blue Moon and bacon popcorn are served.

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Yes. I said BACON. Which I’m pretty sure means “love” in Ancient Greek.

Now drunk anesthetized, bloated satiated and ready hyperventilating, we walked into the theater and took our seats. And damn if every preview wasn’t for a different horror movie. (Way to warm us up, ICON.)

And then it began.

I don’t think I’ve seen an R-rated horror movie in a decade. (Who am I kidding? As a mom, I barely break away from PG. Scary = Cruella DeVille) This film doesn’t give you a break for even a minute. And the fact that it is based (not loosely, it claims) on a very REAL story kept me on the edge of my seat … fine, on the edge of Mel’s lap … the entire time.

I’m not joking.

I’ve never had another woman (except my own mother) protect me from harm more than Mel did that day. She knows how I struggle with disturbing imagery. Profoundly. How it haunts me during the night and in my dreams, should I actually fall asleep. Let’s just say her hand and my eyes became very well acquainted. But I still managed to see some of it. And hear ALL of it. Sometimes that can even be worse.

Truth? There are a few scenes I’m not sure I’ll ever be able to shake. Ever. The story is about ghost hunters Ed & Lorraine Warren researching the terrifying events that took place at the Perron home in the 1970s. The family had five children. Five. Little. Girls. (I’m shaking my head.) I hate that kids were involved. The demonic apparitions there were so very vengeful and bloodthirsty. They literally chilled my bones. And it was obvious everyone around me felt exactly the same way. Throughout the entire film, the audience had two settings:

  1. Staring wide-eyed and whisper-quiet without blinking or even breathing at the screen … OR …
  2. Gasping, shouting and screaming involuntarily at the heinous and mounting displays of otherworldly evil

I won’t give it away.

I can’t give it away.

Oh, but I so want to warn you when not to look. But that’s not my job. I’m just so freakin’ glad Mel didn’t feel that way.

DO I RECOMMEND THE MOVIE? Well, yes. I do. As long as you can tolerate the fear. Or maybe if you have a wonderfully protective friend like Mel. Why is this one so different? For me, I think it can all be summed by the quote at the end of the movie.

“Diabolical forces are formidable. These forces are eternal, and they exist today. The fairy tale is true. The devil exists. God exists. And for us, as people, our very destiny hinges upon which one we elect to follow.” – Ed Warren

I swallowed hard when I read those words on the screen and wanted to head directly to the nearest church. I’m totally serious. It was, if you will, a helluva story. And from everything I read after seeing the film, the Perron family is completely pleased with the finished product. This story just resonated a little too close with me.

Or maybe it’s just because I kept thinking about Annabelle …

… and how much she looks like the 100-year-old doll my grandmother gave me as a child.

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Cue creepy music. Fade to black.

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My #BlogHer13 – Yep, I’m Naming Names!


I’m back home from Chicago. BlogHer13 was, not surprisingly, a colossal success. Mel and I managed to have fun AND get some real work done at the same time. I just love it when that happens.

  • We’ve got some incredible products to review. (Monster Inspiration and Kiss Products, can you hear me?)
  • We made a lot of new friends … (Thanks, Ulta, for picking us to interview Wendi McLendon-Covey!)
  • … and business contacts. (High five, White Cloud!)
  • We even got a little writing done together. (Our August article is ready, Manilla!)

But there is always room for improvement. So, naturally, I made a list.

PLANS FOR AN EVEN BETTER BLOGHER 2014

  1. Elleroy Was Here is dressing me. As cool as I tried to look this year, this lady always outdid me. Seriously, she is one of the coolest in the biz. (Nicest, too.)
  2. Skew the Jen Mold is calling all my shots. I’ve never met someone more decisive so I’m handing her the keys in 2014. (God speed, Jen.)
  3. The Spin Cycle is teaching me some of her magic tricks. Picture it. A solid white dress, an exploded red wine bottle and not a single drop on her. Her sleight of hand was incredible. I recommend you reserve your seats for the show now. We’re gonna be better than Siegfried & Roy! (I get to be Roy, Susan.)
  4. My Life & Kids and Kelley’s Break Room are going to facilitate the BlogHer After Hours sessions. I expect a power point presentation along with the demonstration next year, ladies. (And snacks.)
  5. The Sisterhood of the Sensible Moms is hosting the opening ceremonies. They introduced me to most of my posse for the entire weekend. (I’m still sorry I taught that kid one of my PG13 words at the Expo, Erin.)
  6. Leigh Bones is doing my hair. Anyone who saw her Friday night will know why. (Leigh, can mine be rainbow? Oooh! Or ablaze? The Blogger on Fire!)
  7. The Cat Lady Sings is going to tell everyone she’s older than me. And you guys are all gonna just nod and act like you believe her. (Right?)
  8. Parties for Pennies is riding between Mel and me on the shuttle whenever we’re “broken.” That cheerful little person had no idea what she was getting herself into when she sat down beside me. I’m pretty sure she heard my life story from age 12 on. (Remember to pick your seat mate more wisely next year, Heidi.)
  9. Thoughts From Paris is carrying me on his shoulders throughout the Expo so I can see everything and maybe go head-to-head with Optimus Prime. That dude is huge. (I’m talking about DJ. I think he was actually taller than the spacebot.)
  10. According To Mags is serving as my wingman, co-cheese eater, technology tutor, talk show co-host, handholder, stunt-double, evil twin or whatever the situation calls for. Why fix it if it isn’t broken, right?

Honestly, these ladies (and DJ … sorry, DJ) were just the tip of the “great people iceberg.” But I promised myself I’d limit it to ten people I just met. (The exception being Mel who, for the second year running, didn’t abscond with my kidney while I slept.) Because I have two kids, a spouse and two furry, little vermin, all of whom I’ve neglected since Thursday. And I’ve missed them terribly.

Suffice it to say, I met a lot of great people last weekend. And I loved all of them. (Fine, fine. Most of them.) And now … I’m off to unpack my suitcase FULL of product samples.

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This is what BlogHer is all about, Charlie Brown.

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That Suburban Momma

#BlogHer13 and the Amazing Technicolor Weekend


Once upon a time, there were two girls who blue into the Windy City.

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Split a bottle of white at the Purple Pig

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and donned their dress reds.

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Orange you glad I shared?

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Trifecta Writing Challenge

“Give us a thirty-three word piece that has color in it.”

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Packing for #BlogHer13 (plus the very first ODNT Procrastination Video!)


pack·ing /’pak-ING/vacation preparation; the action or process of reminding me that I did not diet at all but rather somehow managed to gain weight prior to the aforementioned vacation and therefore can now be found crying, hiding and cursing audibly on the floor in the closet

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Yes, that’s right. I’m leaving tomorrow for Chicago. Remember? My girl made a video to help everyone recognize me at the conference. The trip and the company are sure to be fantastic. Unfortunately, prior to this little respite in my crazy summer, I need to take on the one activity that is sure to be made my eternal assignment as I pass through the Gates of Hell. Packing. I loathe it so. Which is ironic considering how much I love to travel.

What have I done do far?

Well … I got the suitcases down from the attic. (No, they are not even unzipped yet.) Also, I put the clothes from the dryer onto the bed. (Well, yes, the laundry hamper is still brimming.) Did I mention that I also need to pack both of my kids for a little getaway they’re taking in my absence? Oh, wait. And I made this little video. I’m calling it Episode One of the ODNT Procrastination Videos.

To all the people reading who know me personally, please keep trusting me to watch your children. Mine are turning out okay … aren’t they?

Truth? I made two other videos. Perhaps I’ll “release” them later. Milo and I were having a blast.  But I had to stop myself … and start packing! I figured I should start by making a list. Maybe you guys can help me. I’ll go first and you can add your suggestions in the comments. You know I’m completely serious, right?

  1. Dresses – And I need to find ones that make me look neither fat, old, sloppy nor poor. (Sigh)
  2. Shoes – Cute, comfortable ones plus others that will piss me off but give the illusion that I’m tall, interesting and glamorous.
  3. Underwear/bras/pajamas – I’ll have a roommate (Mel) so I need to bring my best stuff then try to pass it off as “everyday.”
  4. Heinz 57 ketchup costume – It’s slimming, wrinkle-resistant and  it goes with everything
  5. Purple pen – For all the autographs I will be signing.
  6. Make-up – To augment the smoke and mirrors of #2.
  7. Flat iron – If my house was on fire, it’s the first thing I’d grab after the kids. (Sorry, Dave & Milo.)
  8. Laptop & iPhone – Let’s be honest. I should’ve listed these essentials before clothes.
  9. Jewelry – Or in my case “jewelry,” considering one of my necklaces was a party favor of Vivien’s that she wanted to throw away.
  10. My tickets to see THE CONJURING – Damn it. I’m not going to sleep for weeks. Guess I should also pack some under eye concealer for the bags I’ll be sporting after that freakin’ movie!

Oh, yeah. And Mel suggested I bring a bathing suit. In case we want to swim in the pool. (pause to let your mouth hang open a minute like mine did) Seriously? Have you seen that fool? There’s no way I’m standing next to her in a bathing suit. And don’t even get me started on my hair. Besides the fact that I just colored it so the pool would look like a crime scene, the whole curly-to-straight thing doesn’t just happen.  (I said … IT DOESN’T JUST HAPPEN, MEL!!!) But I digress …. what am I forgetting? … what am I forgetting? …

WHAT AM I FORGETTING?!!?

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So You’ll Know Me When You See Me at #BlogHer13 (and everywhere else!)


I leave for Chicago in three days.

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And I’ve got more left to do than I actually have time to do it. So, naturally, I’m spending the entire day at JURY DUTY. (long, drawn out exasperated sigh meant to elicit pity) At least, they have Wi-Fi. Shoddy, unreliable, computer-keeps-locking-up, people-looking-over-my-shoulder-wondering-why-my-screen-says-tits Wi-Fi. (second sigh) So I will attempt to write … and be witty (Stop looking at my screen, old dude!) … and share something my daughter made for me recently.

She knows I’m leaving Thursday for my conference and, while she’s not happy about it, she supports me. And was sitting beside me as I watched a video created by my good friends, Erin & Ellen at Sisterhood of the Sensible Moms, to help other conference delegates identify them in Chicago. I could see my girl’s wheels spinning the whole time. Her mad iMovie skills couldn’t wait to get to work. She ran to grab her iPod and start snapping.

“No, Mama. This is VIDEO. Move around. …. No, stop. You don’t have to talk. No one will be able to hear you. … No, you already did that face. Do another one.”

The gap in technology between the two generations was uncomfortably palpable. Thank goodness someone knew what she was doing in that room last night. Her finished product was awesome. I loved it and didn’t change a thing. So, while I probably won’t be wearing my old Johnny Depp nightshirt at the conference (remember …. I said probably), I should still be pretty easy to recognize. Thanks to ODNT, Jr. Here goes ….

Love that kid. See how easy she’s made it for you. I can’t WAIT for the movie! Gosh, who do you think they’ll get to play me? (Please be Ellen DeGeneres.) Oh and remember, at any given time, you could also spot my travel partner Mel and me in our formal wear.

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What a couple of jackasses. Heinz should really be paying us by now. Or filing a cease and desist. Either way.

So, if you see me (us), come say hi. Unless you want me to join your foolproof pyramid scheme, need my help with your big move next month or want to show me your six boxes of vacation slides. In that case …. I am NOT going to Chicago. That is NOT me. My name is Margarita Fuentes.

And I don’t speak English.

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My Ten Biggest Fears (or the first ten that came to me in the bathroom this morning)


In response to Mama Kat’s weekly writing promptList ten things you are afraid of.

I love lists. And I can think of a list of reasons why I love them. But number one is that I can work in small chunks. Which I think is how you’re also supposed to chew. But who has time for that? Chewing is so 1999. Anyway, I’m all over the place with this one. Some are funny, some are serious … but all of them are real. So here they are. In, of course, no particular order.

My Ten Biggest Fears (or the first ten that came to me in the bathroom this morning) …

1. Roaches. Especially the big ones. Their wiggly antennae, their unpredictable ability to fly, even the crunch of their exoskeletons once extinguished. I have yet to understand their purpose.

2. Milo. When I know he’s pissed at me for some sort of human-on-cat infraction and I’m walking to my bed through a quiet, darkened bedroom. Ankles exposed. And I see him waiting for me under the bed.

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3. My reflection in the bathroom in the middle of the night. Because of all the stupid urban legends about Bloody Mary and other demonic possessions who live inside the mirror from my youth.

4. The dude from Scream. I’ve had one too many vivid images of him slipping quietly into my side door when I’m home alone and dumb enough to take out the garbage after dark.

5. Swimming in open water. I’m absolutely positive I will be eaten.

 6. My babies moving away to college. And never coming back.

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7. And while I’m on the subject … my kids getting hurt in any way. I witnessed a terrible accident involving a child when I was a child myself. And I just … can’t … shake … it.

8. Large, bitey dogs. Or cats, possum, rodents, anything with a pulse really. No matter how many times people tell me they’re more afraid of me. I cry bullshit on that one. (See number 1, 2 & 5.)

9. Besides the legacy of my kids … of course … missing my chance to really leave my mark in this world. It’s still coming, you know.

10. Getting fat. (I’m going to make light of the eating disorder I dabbled in as a youth with this picture. And I’m sorry. It’s probably the most un-PC thing I’ve ever posted. But if Courtney Cox and Gwyneth Paltrow can get away with it … then, damn it, why can’t I?)

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What about YOU?

What scares YOU most?

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