Tag Archives: Naked Mole Rats

Happy 1st Anniversary, ODNT!

Yes, that’s right. Just one year ago today, I wrote a blog post

… then sweated buckets about it, sent proofs to half a dozen people, second guessed myself, ate a pound of cheese and drank a bottle of wine contemplating it, considered scrapping the whole thing, third guessed myself, cried quietly, berated myself in front of the mirror …

and hit publish.

It’s been a very interesting first year. CLICK ON THE IMAGE BELOW to see just a few of the highlights in my scrapbook.


If you’re interested in reading some of the stories in this scrapbook, I’ve included the links for you at the end of this post. Because I understand lazy. And I know I would NEVER bother to look them up on my own. And I’m assuming that, if you read this blog, you’re probably lazy like me. So I did your heavy lifting for you today.

Thanks to all of you for riding shotgun with me the past year. Here’s to year number two!

The Posts that Inspired ‘Things You Read About on ODNT (2011-12)’

  1. Man Boobs Quiz  & Answers *
  2. Hoarder on Wheels
  3. Naked Mole Rats Introduction & Tweeting Spree
  4. Norma Stitz *
  5. Bitchy Barbies Introduction, Playdate & Acquisition
  6. Red Hair Dye Phobias
  7. Drug Hallucinations
  8. Tumor Look-a-like Contest *
  9. The AMC Letters: One, Two, Three & Four
  10. Bag Balm
  11. Just Say No to Saving the Earth
  12. Paging Mr. Baldwin: The Appeal & The Response
  13. Hunger Games Prequel
  14. My Junior Novel (maybe)
  15. How does one say Goodbye to a Toilet?
  16. A Hairy Day at Disney World
  17. A Cow named Michele
  18. Creating a New Identity for my Class Reunion
  19. When Johnny Depp came to my BBQ
  20. Spray Cheese Delivered to your Door
  21. Things You Learn While Drinking Wine
  22. A Bloody Good Idea for Next Summer
  23. The Hamster’s Going to Need a Lot of Therapy

* These posts have been deleted for undisclosed reasons. And, for the record,  it is NOT because I’ve been served with restraining orders from John Travolta, Norma Stitz and Homer Simpson.


A Year-End Report on ODNT – even though we just launched in late August

As ODNT is still very young, I’m continuing to learn the ins and out of this WordPress software that houses our little blog, which recently turned four months old. My kids were neither sleeping through the night nor eating solid foods (perhaps those two were related?) at that point so I’m still calling this stage the infancy of this blog.

Anyway, while we haven’t quite lifted our big, bulbous baby heads off the floor yet or started babbling (yeah, actually, I’ve done my share of that, haven’t I?), we have hit a lot of nice little milestones around here. And I thought I’d share some of the more interesting findings I came across in the end of the year report provided to me by WordPress about our new baby, ODNT.

Since its inception on 8/22/11 – we have gotten more than 18, 350 hits. No, I have no idea how that compares to anything …. but it sure sounds good to me!

The busiest day of the year for viewership was December 2, right after my surgery was completed. (Sniff. Thanks, Y’all.)

The most viewed posts of the year were Shall We Play a Game?, Prologue, How about Another Game – Let’s Play Boobs Around the World, The Pathology Report is In and Boobs + Mean Girl Barbies + Naked Mole Rats = Versatile Blogger.

The most commented on post of the year was Shall We Play a Game? Across the board, we heard from people hailing from 6 of the 7 continents. I’m excusing Antarctica as I imagine it’s very difficult to type with frostbitten appendages. But, to everyone else, I’m asking you to make it a resolution to SHARE YOUR THOUGHTS WITH ME IN 2012! There’s nothing I like better than seeing a new comment on one of my postings. Okay, well maybe my kids … or cheese … or a masseuse who genuinely understands the meaning of ‘deep tissue’ massage … but you get the point.

I want to thank most sincerely the biggest referrers to ODNT:

The ten most popular searches for this blog (and I am omitting the endless results using the words “tits,” “boobs” or “breasts” in them – Sheesh!) are listed below:

(1) Norma StitzTechnically, this one is boob-related … but the search didn’t include any of the above words. Because people know this woman … by name! Plus, I got like a ka-billion hits thanks to her famous attributes so I thought she earned the title spot here.

(2) Don’t you think that’s some information I would like to know? – If you haven’t seen this AT&T commercial, turn on your damned TV, you high-browed hippies. My family and I think it’s funny enough that we weave into almost as many conversations as Seinfeld references. And I managed to work it into two blog posts so when you google it, I’m second up.

(3) 50/50, the movie – I wrote a simple little movie review for this film when I caught it with my friend, Kelley, a while back. Sure bought me a lot of traffic. Good movie, too, if you don’t mind a little Seth Rogen playing Seth Rogen.

(4) Royal Bitch/Sweet Bitch/Sassy Bitch wine – I guess you just can’t beat a wine label with a bitch-slapping, bad ass name. Wait, that could be the label on my bottle ….

(5) Throw your arms around the world at Christmas time/BAND-AIDWhat can I say? A child of the 80s writes the post she’s been wanting to write for decades. And, apparently, the world still loves the old song as much as she does.

(6) On the 1st day of Christmas, my true love gave to me funny sayings Gosh, I hope my post lived up to their ‘funny’ expectations.

(7) The Ultimate Wedding DressHoly crap! How disappointed do you think these brides-to-be were when they saw my sweet girl’s real-cherry-pits-sewn-into-the-ruffle design. Or wait! Maybe I should have attached a sizing chart and order form!

(8) Humor family comment or blog Yay! My name came up. But … oh, God … the pressure! And it was probably one of those days that I wrote a “very special episode of ODNT.” Sigh.

(9) How to get hair dye out of pillowcasesDouble crap! My post only talks about creating the stain. There’s no assistance offered in removing it. I’m picturing some pretty pissed off redheads right about now.

(10) The Mass on my LungWell, here’s one of the few places where my musings might have actually helped someone. Here’s hoping they did.

And one more … to grow on …

Wrinkly, small penisYou had to see this one coming, right? Can you imagine the reactions of these googlers when they were … mistakenly … introduced to my little friend, the naked mole rat? I still can’t believe ‘naked mole rat’ wasn’t among the search terms. I need to get those little weasels on the map!


Warning – there is a picture of a real, live tumor embedded in this post

Alright, I’m going to stall a bit. Why, you ask? Because when this blog post is opened on your laptops, tablets, smart phones, etc., I need there to be enough text here to fill the screen. I want you to have to scroll down to see the picture below. I don’t want it to pop up unexpectedly and frighten anyone. So, I need to fill a little space here and use long words like “hippopotomonstrosesquipedalian” which, ironically, means of or pertaining to extremely long words … and “floccinaucinihilipilification” which means the estimation of something as valueless, such as this introductory passage. I could even use this opportunity to extol the many virtues of the East African Naked Mole Rat but, after yesterday, we all know where dedicated ODNT follower, El Guapo, stands on these beloved rodents. So, I’ll try to resist the urge.

(A distant voice calls out from offstage. Speaker turns to acknowledges the voice.) What? That’s enough? (Turns back to address the audience) Okay. Well, let’s get on with it then.

A few days ago, I mentioned that I actually had a picture of my old friend, the lung mass, taken during surgery last week. And I decided to let you determine whether or not I would post this picture … in all of its blood-and-gutsy glory … on the blog. And do you know that, despite having featured three prior polls all related to boobs aka the roots if not the backbone of this website, the ‘Wanna see a picture of the tumor?’ poll had the greatest response to date. (I guess I could change the ‘T’ in ODNT to tumor.)

There were three options available in the poll – yes, no and do-whatever-but-warn-me-first. Because the yes vote was so much higher than the no vote, we at ODNT decided to do it … and, per the request of many, we are warning you first.

So, all of that said, I give you … the tumor.


I’m pretty sure you can identify it (dead center) in this picture but, to give you your bearings, the rings around it that appear on the left are my ribs. Directly beneath it in black is some kind of major artery. And the slightly deflated pink entity below that is my lung. Dave thinks it looks like the top of Patrick’s starfish head. (My daughter watches a lot of SpongeBob.)

Yes, it’s gross. It’s a body’s interior after all. But I’ll add that my family said that the doctors and medical staff couldn’t stop talking about my beautifully pink, healthy insides. I’m blushing.


Because of the location of my incisions, I cannot wear a bra. Does anyone else find this ironic?

Over the course of the last few weeks, I’ve been asked many times if having this lung surgery would have any impact on whether or not I’d still be pursuing breast surgery in the future.  And, prior to December 1st, my answer was always the same.

I don’t know.  I need to meet the Michele who walks out of that hospital without a lung mass. Then, I’ll let you know.

Geez. What a pretentious ass.  Referring to myself in the third person.  Honestly, sometimes Michele can be such an idiot.

And, now that it’s after December 1st and the infamous lung surgery is behind me, I’m here to tell you that I still don’t know.  Do you ask a crazy-from-sleep-deprivation, postpartum mom with purple bags under her eyes while she’s holding a screaming infant if she wants another baby? No, not unless you enjoy a good flogging. It’s just too soon.

Ironically, my current state of temporary surgery-mandated bralessness serves as a constant reminder of why we all started hanging out together in the first place.  Still, considering that I can’t get up from a reclined position without releasing audible manifestations of my pain, I’m going to stick with “It’s too soon”  for now and focus on healing and getting up to speed with everything again.  And I assure you that you’ll be the first to know when we can get back to our roots.

Until then, I promise not to dwell on Naked Mole Rats too much … but that doesn’t mean we won’t talk about all kinds of other completely meaningless and utterly useless information.  Remember, one man’s mindless drivel is another woman’s blog fodder.


I like to surround myself with crazy people. It helps me feel like all the pointing and laughing isn’t being directed solely at me.

My friend, Vanessa, texted me yesterday about the ‘Barbie’ post. She was actually one of the girls at the beach with me the weekend before last. And she knows things like the names ‘Stavros’ and ‘Pavlina’ were lifted from the TLC show ‘Say Yes to the Dress‘ which I watched for the first time on the trip.  Her one text turned into a fun activity for the whole afternoon.  And Vanessa demonstrated that she could go head to head with me or anyone else on a Barbie & Friends Playdate for Grown-ups.

(To understand and appreciate this post, you have to go back and read the ‘Barbie’ post first.  And, if you’re disturbed at the idea of two grown women exchanging tremendously fanciful Barbie texts for a few hours, then you might want to just go back and read about the Naked Mole Rats again.)

Vanessa: I feel bad for Stavros. The foreign exchange program.  No family here.  I feel like I can really relate.

Me: You and Stavros always clicked. Honestly Pavlina was always a little jealous of you two.  Which was kinda weird. … OMG! Don’t tell her I said that!

Vanessa: She wants to hate me but she’s having trouble because I’m a genuinely nice person.  This really bothers her …

Me: I keep telling you to take her out for a corn dog.  Seriously, that bitch can eat.

Vanessa: I saw a bottle of Adderall in her purse.  She claims to have ‘Adult ADHD.’  I also happen to know it keeps you in a double zero no matter how much food you consume.  Have you ever noticed her twitch? Side effect from the meds.

Me: Crap. Are you serious? Should we tell Stavros??

Vanessa: I’ve actually seen her slip him a few.  He wears women’s super skinny GAP jeans.  Hello?

Me: I can’t believe they left me in the dark here.  You know, Bianca tried to tell me last week but I just threw my Orange Julius in her face and ran off crying.

Vanessa: They both wear Spanx under their jeans.  Nobody is that flawless without some sort of assistance! And wait … an Orange Julius?  Oh, no you didn’t!

Me: Damn it! I just figured it was their European upbringing.

Vanessa: My grandmother was European and she was short and stout with huge double D boobs. This is just very suspicious …  Oh, and I am really sick of them listening to Gino Vannelli all the time.

Me: Well, Stavros thinks he’s related to Gino … his uncle or something … so that explains his obsession.  But Pavlina? What the hell?

Vanessa: She just copies whatever Stavros does.  … Okay, I feel kind of two-faced. She’s supposed to be our friend.

Me: OMG! Me, too. Let’s go take her to Corn Dog 7 to pig out.  I am so getting the jalapeño poppers this time.  Last time, I couldn’t because Tiffany and I were sharing and she said they were way too spicy for her.  Whatev!

Vanessa: Yeah.  Whatev is right.  Call her up and see what she says.  Tell her it’s our treat.  Don’t tell anyone about the Adderall.  It anyone finds out, our friendship is so over.

Me: I’m on it.  And your secret is safe with me, girlfriend.

Vanessa: Thanks, sistah!



Just indulge me with ONE more day of Naked Mole Rat blogging

I thought I was done with Naked Mole Rats with yesterday’s post but clearly I had just opened the door to today’s addiction. So, in an effort to avoid Black Friday shopping and appear busy at my house, I embarked on a quest to learn all things Naked Mole Rat. And then to tweet every little factoid I could find to the mostly never-met-me-before strangers who foolishly elected to ‘follow’ me on Twitter. Poor, unsuspecting tweeters … twitterers … nerds … whatever we’re calling ourselves these days.

(Oh, yeah. And I attached a picture to nearly every tweet – always one of the two from yesterday’s post, unless I included a different one here.)

So, here are today’s Naked Mole Rat tweets … in chronological order:

I plan to use this yucky fella in several tweets today until he scores us some retweets. Think he’s up to the task?

He & Mr. Bigglesworth could co-star in the new nauseating version of ‘Tom & Jerry.’

Naked Mole Rats – It’s like holding a warm ziploc of tiny bones.

The only two food sources I find for Naked Mole Rats are tubers & their own feces. As if their lives weren’t sad enough.

Throngs of shoppers are out killing themselves for Black Friday. I’m home googling facts about Naked Mole Rats. I ask you – Who’s the idiot?

Eating feces not enough? Naked Mole Rats also ‘wear’ it as a means of identifying other members of the same colony.

I think HUMAN gangs should be required to adhere to the same ritual.

WAY boring until 1:30 when it shifts gears to play the most AWESOME Naked Mole Rat anthem you’ve ever heard. (This video can be found at the end of this post.)

Everyone’s tweeting about Naked Mole Rats with ODNT. Don’t you think that’s some information I would like to know? I like Naked Mole Rats.

This is Eric’s pet & the MAIN reason he gave Bill the creeps. Still, they both got invited to the taco party.

As promised, the youtube video with the Naked Mole Rat Anthem is below. Please remember that this catchy blues tune doesn’t begin until 1:30. The content before that will very likely lull you into a coma. Also, don’t blame me if you suddenly find yourselves singing this haunting melody in the shower, the car or even on the job. Personally, I’m saving it for my daughter’s wedding dance. If she were marrying today at age 9, she’d completely agree. We’ll see what happens in the future. Crossing fingers …

Okay. I think I am finally done with these icky little guys.

Thanks for listening while I got it all out of my system.