Tag Archives: kleinpeter dairy

Happy 1st Anniversary, ODNT!

Yes, that’s right. Just one year ago today, I wrote a blog post

… then sweated buckets about it, sent proofs to half a dozen people, second guessed myself, ate a pound of cheese and drank a bottle of wine contemplating it, considered scrapping the whole thing, third guessed myself, cried quietly, berated myself in front of the mirror …

and hit publish.

It’s been a very interesting first year. CLICK ON THE IMAGE BELOW to see just a few of the highlights in my scrapbook.


If you’re interested in reading some of the stories in this scrapbook, I’ve included the links for you at the end of this post. Because I understand lazy. And I know I would NEVER bother to look them up on my own. And I’m assuming that, if you read this blog, you’re probably lazy like me. So I did your heavy lifting for you today.

Thanks to all of you for riding shotgun with me the past year. Here’s to year number two!

The Posts that Inspired ‘Things You Read About on ODNT (2011-12)’

  1. Man Boobs Quiz  & Answers *
  2. Hoarder on Wheels
  3. Naked Mole Rats Introduction & Tweeting Spree
  4. Norma Stitz *
  5. Bitchy Barbies Introduction, Playdate & Acquisition
  6. Red Hair Dye Phobias
  7. Drug Hallucinations
  8. Tumor Look-a-like Contest *
  9. The AMC Letters: One, Two, Three & Four
  10. Bag Balm
  11. Just Say No to Saving the Earth
  12. Paging Mr. Baldwin: The Appeal & The Response
  13. Hunger Games Prequel
  14. My Junior Novel (maybe)
  15. How does one say Goodbye to a Toilet?
  16. A Hairy Day at Disney World
  17. A Cow named Michele
  18. Creating a New Identity for my Class Reunion
  19. When Johnny Depp came to my BBQ
  20. Spray Cheese Delivered to your Door
  21. Things You Learn While Drinking Wine
  22. A Bloody Good Idea for Next Summer
  23. The Hamster’s Going to Need a Lot of Therapy

* These posts have been deleted for undisclosed reasons. And, for the record,  it is NOT because I’ve been served with restraining orders from John Travolta, Norma Stitz and Homer Simpson.


Kleinpeter 1, AMC-TV Big Fat Festering 0

Jeff Kleinpeter of Kleinpeter Dairy emailed me again recently (remember him? more on that soon) … and his repeated awesomeness reminded me that I forgot to tell you guys something. I wrote another email to AMC about the whole airing-a-Trojan-vibrator-commercial-during-Polar-Express-the-day-after-Christmas snafu. I actually sent it in May right after the superior response I got from my email to Kleinpeter Dairy Farms. Of course, my intention was to shame AMC on their deplorable “customer service.” And, just as I expected, they predictably opted to ignore my email yet again. So, I sent mine again today.

They seem to think I’ll give up easily.

Anyway, feel free to take a look and drop them a letter of your own. Here’s all the contact information from their website. There are several names listed there. I suggest copying all of them. As far as I’m concerned, even their water delivery guy holds some of the responsibility. And someone needs to pay … or at least freakin’ apologize. Am I right?

Dear AMC,

I tried so many times to contact you last January regarding the whole Trojan-commercial-during-The-Polar-Express-the-day-after-Christmas debacle. I sent three separate emails, I tweeted you and I even called and spoke with a live person … who said your organization would be getting back to me shortly. That lip service proved merely to be a means of getting me off the phone because NOTHING EVER HAPPENED.

If someone wasn’t fired over the initial VIBRATOR AD DURING A CHILDREN’S CHRISTMAS MOVIE decision, then here’s another chance for you to thin your herd.

And I want to let you know that I keep a blog about such things. All of my letters to you are included there.

(1) http://wp.me/p1LoLK-NK – sent 12/31/11

(2) http://wp.me/p1LoLK-QE – sent 1/6/12

(3) http://wp.me/p1LoLK-YK – sent 1/27/12

So, why am I suddenly writing to you again? Because I wrote another letter to a different company today and, within less than twenty-four hours, I received a personalized email, a phone call and then even a visit to my home by one of their local representatives to “make things right” as they say.  They should serve as your example. And please know that I didn’t miss the opportunity in this new post to state yet again that you ignored all of my attempts to contact you … http://wp.me/p1LoLK-1E1

AMC should take a lesson from Kleinpeter Dairy. I am painfully disappointed that you elected to sweep me under the proverbial rug. And I have a big mouth.

Thanks for nothing,



My Visit to Kleinpeter Dairy Farms (SQEEEE!!!)

If you didn’t read yesterday, click here to catch up what led up to today.

We woke up bright and early Friday morning (by summer standards, anyway) to get ready for our trip to Kleinpeter Dairy Farms. My friend, Virginia, graciously offered to drive. So, we stuffed our five kids (and snacks! Thanks, V) into her car and headed out. The ride was fine but, just as I promised Mike (the Farm Manager) in my email Thursday, we did manage to get lost along the way. After calling to apologize for our delay and adding an extra 45 minutes to the trip, we arrived at the farm where Mike was outside waiting for us.

With our warm Southern summer now underway, we were more than delighted to pile into a big (air conditioned!) pick-up truck to navigate the 1,200 acres that serve as the home for more than 1,300 cows (Holstein, Jersey and Guernsey). Mike showed us the process of preparing the many different kinds of feed (all corn-based) given to their cows. There’s even a nutritionist on hand to help determine the best diet for each individual animal.

Hello? I could use some help around here, too. Or at least someone to slap the Cheetos out of my hand.

My girl managed to smuggle a little of the feed (I think it was the variety that actually smelled like distilled whiskey) home to the family cat. But the jerky furbag (not surprisingly) turned up his nose to my sweet child’s offering. A gerbil would’ve appreciated it, Milo. Always remember that you can easily be replaced.

And, of course, we saw lots … and lots … and lots of healthy cows with the sweet Puss ‘n’ Boots eyes. But the big highlight of the day was visiting the babies. They’re organized by age in what I’m stupidly going to call the cow nursery. My girl fell in love with a cute set of twins born early this week. But I was there to see a special cow named Michele. She was born on May 8 (Virginia’s birthday, by the way) meaning she was grouped with all the other one-month-olds. So, I walked down the aisle checking out every calf and reading every tag. Cow face … cow face … cow face … cow butt … cow face … cow face … cow face.

Michele was the only one who INSISTED on standing backwards in her little stall.

Mike turned her around so we could snap a few pictures but, as soon as she was able, she reversed herself right back to her position of nonconformity. Michele seemed to vacillate between wanting to be different from the other cows and wanting to take a nap. (I’m sure my friends and family will have a veritable field day with that one.)


Does anyone else hear ‘We Are the World’ in their head right now?


I think she liked me because she ate a little of my hair during this picture.

The kids had a blast with all the babies. We probably spent the most time on this leg of the tour. Then … after learning a little more about the whole milking process … WE GOT TO MILK THE COWS! Thankfully, there were rubber gloves involved ’cause it took some real doing to get the job done. And, as a woman who spent four years of her life nursing kids (where’s TIME Magazine when you need ’em?), my heart went out for these old girls, many of whom produce milk for well over a DECADE. And … get this … the average cow produces 60 pounds of milk PER DAY. That’s EIGHT gallons of milk daily.

Frankly, I can’t believe Dave and I have been wasting our money sinking it into college funds and IRAs … when we could just invest in a cow. I could sell to the whole freakin’ neighborhood! Of course, I could never compete with the good people at Kleinpeter. (Brag Alert – They were the first agricultural enterprise in the nation to earn a perfect score of 100 from the American Humane Association. They’re also the first organization who have been able to manage that same perfection for four years running.) To cover the cost of her maintenance, a cow kept at MY house would probably have to give rides to all the neighborhood kids while wearing a tutu and lipstick … so maybe I need to rethink the whole cow-in-the-backyard-next-to-the-trampoline thing.

Anyway, we had a great time, we learned a lot and we all gorged ourselves on fresh, 36-degree (the perfect temperature for milk, say the experts) milk, both chocolate and vitamin D. Thanks, Mr. K. Mike did a phenomenal job with us yesterday. We all left knowing way more about cows, milk and everything in between than we ever expected.

Keep on milkin’!












I’m going to meet my cow, you guys!

Haven’t kept up with the ODNT Kleinpeter Dairy Chronicles? These links should get you up to speed.

* * * * * * * * * *

After that last post, the one about the big secret, I sent Mr. Kleinpeter the following email:
HOLY COW! I AM SO HUMBLED! (Did I just seriously say Holy Cow?) Thank you so much for the high honor. Needless to say, I’ve already put this news out on the blog. Click here to view – http://wp.me/p1LoLK-1N4. I’m excited, my readers are excited and my kids are excited. Especially my daughter. She’s dying to come meet Michele sometime in the future. You seem to have met the level of insanity we like to maintain around here just fine. Again, thanks so much for giving me the news that I will be leading with at my high school reunion tonight. I’ll bet nobody can top becoming a bovine namesake. 🙂

* * * * * * * * * *

Then, this week, I was chatting with my friend, Virginia, and she was asking about all of the Kleinpeter Dairy activity here at ODNT. And, like so many others who live near me, she mentioned that the story had captured her attention and that hers was now totally a Kleinpeter family. So, when I told her that Mr. K had offered my family (and any friends I wanted to bring along) a grand tour of the farm, she practically squealed.

That was Wednesday night. So, naturally, I sent the following email the very next day … as in Thursday, yesterday:

Hi, Mr. K — I’m here to appeal to your spontaneous side. I was talking to a friend yesterday who’s been following the whole Kleinpeter Dairy story and she mentioned how much she and her kids would love to visit the farm and meet ‘Michele.’ I told her you’d actually offered us a tour and that I was seriously considering a visit up there soon. Then, when she and I went back and forth with our summer plans, kids’ camp schedules, vacation itineraries, etc., we realized our best opportunity might just be (are you ready for this?) tomorrow. We could drive up in the morning and leave in early afternoon. There would be two adults and five kids in our party. Any chance this would work for you guys? Michele

And you know, he got back to me … just three minutes later …
I’m in Tennessee, but my Farm Manager is available. Want me to line it up? He’s an awesome guy.
To which I, of course, said …

Yes, please. We’d LOVE to come tomorrow. I’m so sorry we’ll miss you though. When and where do we need to be? Remember, we need to drive in from New Orleans which is a little over an hour. Thanks!

Then, him (copying me) to his right hand man & Farm Manager, Mike Price …
Mike, please give Michele directions to the farm and give her the Grand Tour Friday. Thanks.
Then, me to Mike …
Hi, Mike, I talked to my friend, Virginia, and we’d like to leave New Orleans around 10am to be there for noon tomorrow. Virginia is printing out the map tonight to ensure no mistakes along the way. (You should know I have NO internal compass whatsoever. It’s sad really.) Our party consists of five kids and two (ridiculously excited) moms. We can’t wait to see you guys. Thanks for making time for us.
That was yesterday. And yes. OF COURSE, we went today. Would YOU pass up a chance to visit a dairy farm and meet a cow named after you? Be honest. ….. Do you even have a cow named after you? (pause) I didn’t think so. … Anyway, I’m writing about all of it tonight and I’ll post it tomorrow … with lots of pictures. SO STAY TUNED!
I’m such a city girl, y’all. Just call me Eva Gabor.



Checking in with Mr. Kleinpeter …

Dear Mr. Kleinpeter,

I’m not sure you’ve been checking the blog lately but you’re a hero, Mr. K. Unique people usually are. I’m awfully glad I bought the funky milk so I could make your acquaintance. 🙂

As far as “milk copywriting” is concerned, that’s just part of my convoluted but sincere effort to get paid to write. It’s what writers do (as we’re almost always looking for work) unless we’re lucky enough to be the first to think of creating a mythologically fantastic world of wizards and/or vampires.

So … if you’re ever looking for a new (slightly irreverent) product pitcher or you want to tell the real story of Kleinpeter Dairy (“Behind the Moo-sic?”) … I hope you’ll give me a ring. And I’ll add that I might just be the biggest lover of all things cheese out there. That’s got to give me some kind of street cred in the dairy community.

Until then, I’ll just keep drinking your milk and sharing this great story. People love it so much that the post with my first letter to Kleinpeter won a contest this week.

Yours in homogeneity,
(and I mean that in the best possible way)


One more thing, Mr. Kleinpeter … that is if you’re still reading …

The vintage Kleinpeter commercial below (listed as 1991, but looking more like 1981) is an example of what I would NOT do as your milk copywriter. Quenching your thirst with milk after a “rigorous” Jane Fonda aerobic video? Oh, I can do better. 🙂


Getting to know the Charismatic Mr. Kleinpeter

To get you up to speed … First, I wrote a letter to Kleinpeter Dairy about a problem I had with some of their product. Then, they wrote me back … and even paid me a little visit. Then I sent a thank you email to Mr. Kleinpeter for his company’s amazing and immediate efforts to remedy the problem. Here’s his response.


Oh, it’s not a joke about the lipstick on the rim. I’m telling the truth, so I know I don’t have to worry about getting caught. It’s a good thing that men don’t have to wear lipstick, or I’d get busted too. But then, we would have to see whose shade it was…..

Girl, if she doesn’t go to bed with make-up on, I won’t know who I’m waking up to. Just kidding. She takes it off, but she drinks out of the milk container all the time. I’ve even thought of labeling whose is who, so when company comes over……uh, I’m not going to say it….nope, I ain’t going to say it….but it’s no wonder that, when we have company over for dinner, everyone wants to open a “fresh” container of our milk.

Michele, I have a serious question for you.

Just what the heck is “milk copywriting?”

Heck, I’m 53 and I have no clue as to what you’re talking about….talk to me….uh, email to me….


Jeff Kleinpeter
Kleinpeter Farms Dairy, L.L.C.

I love this guy. BUY KLEINPETER MILK! Or, if you don’t live in the area, just let him know you think he’s awesome by commenting here.


Have YOU hugged your milkman today?

Have you guys been following along? First, I wrote a letter to Kleinpeter Dairy about a problem I had with some of their product. Then, they wrote me back … and even paid me a little visit. Here’s my thank you to Mr. Kleinpeter. Yes, I am milking this topic for all that it’s worth. (Thanks, Anna, for the joke.)

Dear Mr. Kleinpeter,

First of all, I just want say how much I appreciate your prompt and sincere response to my email. I’ve written my share of letters over the years and I have never found myself better off than before I started within just twenty-four hours. You guys are the bomb and I want you to know that I posted an update attesting to that fact yesterday. I’m including the links for the original post and for the update below. Please read them (especially the update) as well as some of the comments when you can. I think I might have earned you a few new customers.

  1. The 1st Kleinpeter post featuring my letter to you … http://wp.me/p1LoLK-1DN
  2. The 2nd post featuring your response to me … http://wp.me/p1LoLK-1E1
You’re a funny man, Mr. Kleinpeter, and I hope your wife doesn’t kill you for the joke you made in your letter. Please be sure to let her know two things for me:
  1. She should never go to bed with make-up on, as it’s detrimental to the complexion and will wreak havoc on the pores. And don’t even get me started on the pillowcases and, in your case, milk jugs.
  2. She should not be embarrassed by all of this craziness. Feel free to point out that I maintain a blog with a word in it that … in your world … is pronounced teats. My website actually gets its roots in boob job research so the tongue-in-cheek title comes from that. Don’t let it fool you. I’m just a regular goofball like the rest of the us.
And my joke about asking you for a job? Well, I really do think I’d be a natural at milk copywriting. It’s a lost art, don’t you think?
Thanks again for being awesome,
P.S. My husband said he went to junior high in Baton Rouge with David & Shawn Kleinpeter. Any relation?

They Wrote Back! The Dairy Company Wrote Back!

Well, we’ve certainly written our share of letters so far this year, haven’t we? Remember the one to AMC about airing a vibrator ad during a prime time showing of The Polar Express the day after Christmas??? Or the one to Kids-in-Mind (who’s supposed to help gauge a movie’s child-appropriateness) for forgetting to warn us that the Easter Bunny is outed in We Bought a Zoo? I contacted those organizations by email and by phone and never heard a word back. AMC even acknowledged the problem over the phone saying they’d had multiple complaints about the same issue and that someone would be getting back to me very shortly. And then nothing happened.

Shame, shame, shame.

Well, I’m here to tell you that I have no such words of shame for Kleinpeter Dairy. I wrote them an email yesterday. I didn’t even send it until about 1:30pm. And I immediately got an auto-response email from a milkbot. (I wonder if they’re related to mechanical bulls.) Then, by 2:30pm, I got another email, this time from Jeff Kleinpeter, the president and overlord of all things milk and milk-related.

Seriously, Alec Baldwin, I think you’ve been majorly dethroned.

Check out Mr. Kleinpeter’s awesome response.

Hi Michele,

Thank you for your email. Seriously, we want to know what our customers go through and experience out there. And, you got the “boss,” ’cause the buck stops here….really!

What it sounds like is that the gallon of milk you purchased was exposed to excessive heat somewhere. What we do in these instances is we first ask if we can replace the product and bring you some extra goodies for your troubles, like ice cream or orange juice. We also ask from which store you purchased your milk.


We have been experiencing marginal coolers out there in the market place, and we like to bring this to the attention of the store management team right away, because that cooler will be affecting everyone’s milk, not just Kleinpeter. So far this summer, and it isn’t even hot yet, we have had 5 store coolers with problems, and many customers have been unhappy….

So, please tell us which store you purchased this from, and we’ll go there within the hour and check it.

And, I know you didn’t want to, but saving the milk so we could check it in our Certified lab would have been nice, but I would not have kept the stinky thing either, and someone may have drunk more out of it, in the middle of the night, half asleep…..yes, my wife gets caught ’cause I see the lipstick on the rim of the jug….

We’ll be glad to help you, and give me that store name please. One of my associates with be in touch with you today!


Jeff K

Jeff Kleinpeter
Kleinpeter Farms Dairy, L.L.C.

Well, sure. I’ll probably get him in trouble with his wife for posting this letter but … even though he does know about the blog … he’s never asked for the web address. Which is probably for the best considering it has the word ‘tits’ in it. Except that maybe I could convince him that it’s pronounced ‘teats.’ That would probably earn me some extra points with a dairy company.

Anyway … as if this great letter wasn’t enough, I then got a phone call around 4:30 yesterday afternoon from a local representative. He asked me all kinds of questions about where I bought the milk, the temperature of our refrigerator, how old I was when I learned to ride a bike … you know, the usual stuff. Then he asked if I would be home tomorrow (which is today) around 10 in the morning. And I, of course, said YES (!!!!) … knowing that whatever else I had planned could wait.

The freakin’ milkman was making a house call. To me. How many people in our generation can say that?


Here he is … standing in my kitchen.


He replaced the gallon of skim milk and brought a little something extra, too. Kleinpeter = Awesome.

I still need to reply to the president’s email tomorrow. I like those people. A lot. And I fully intend to ask Mr. Kleinpeter for a job. I love writing. And I  love milk. Ergo … it stands to reason that I would love writing about milk.