My cat has a dream. And it’s a simple one. He’s always wanted to roll around in $1000 cash. I know. I think it’s a weird dream for a cat, too. I totally would’ve thought birds. Or some kind of smelly fish. But that’s what he said. And, as you can see, he’s been practicing.
He’s only worth $40 in this shot.
Want to help make his dream come true? All you have to do is CLICK THE IMAGE BELOW. Then, when the link opens, READ it and … by all means … LIKE it. Even if you hate it.
Oh, and there’s one more thing. Please SHARE the book. HOWEVER and WHEREVER you can. Here are a few suggestions:
- Facebook, Twitter & Pinterest
- Public bathroom stalls
- Handheld signs at traffic intersections
- Small, tasteful tattoos
- Church bulletins
- Graffiti on interstate overpasses
- Commandeering the department store intercom while no one is watching to make an announcement
- Tiny sandwich boards fashioned to your pets or children
- Shoe polish messages on your car windows (and all others in the office parking lot)
Too much? Fine. Then, just do the first one. Remember, this is Milo we’re talking about. Is there anything you wouldn’t do for him?
P.S. I’ll further sweeten the pot. Using the comments below, you are invited to submit questions you want me to answer if I win. Duh, all submissions must be PG-13 or below. In the event of my victory, I will pick one at random and answer it.
Did you hear that? That was the sound of yet another ODNT post getting the royal treatment by the good people at the Britely company.
Actually, several of our posts have gotten makeovers. Here are some of the impressive before and after pictures:
Anyone remember Journey to the Bottom of My Purse? Well, now you can read AND see it … in pictures! To view my new Brite book, just click the picture below.
I wrote a post a while back entitled Let’s Embarrass Me: Topic: Celebrity Crushes. Remember that one? Whatever. Just say yes.
Well … first … my friend, Mel, and I used it as the inspiration for our most recent KetchupWithUs writing prompt. But that wasn’t enough. So … now … I’ve turned it into another Brite book. It’s like I have a scrapbook with indisputable evidence of the nerdiness of my tween years, my teen years and, well, now. (Sigh.) So, without taking up any more of your time, I present my latest Brite.
CLICK THE IMAGE BELOW TO VIEW IT. And be sure to MAKE FUN OF ME IN THE COMMENTS. You guys have been awfully quiet lately. And that makes me paranoid. Like hiding-in-my-closet-eating-cereal-out-of-the-box-as-I-plan-my-next-move paranoid.
- YOU: Oh, my God. Shut UP, Michele!
- ME: OKAY! I was just … Sorry. The clickable image is directly … below … these … words. AAAAAND GO!!!
You guys, I’m a finalist!
My pals at Britely just selected my Brite book entitled Kids Today are Soft – and Here’s Why as one of the five finalists eligible to win $1000 this week. Dave says I’m on my way to earning a boob job. If I win this contest and add it to the winnings from a few weeks ago for my Back to School ABCs flip book, then I’ve earned about 25% of the money.
Together, We Could Earn One Half of One Boob!
Of a better campaign slogan, I cannot think. Maybe I should lend it out to the dudes in Washington this fall. Anyway … if you have three minutes today, please click the image below and travel back to your sad youth with me. And, if you LIKE it and (best of all!) SHARE it for me … well, now you guys are going to make me cry.
Oh, yeah. And don’t forget. I promised on Twitter that I would COOK and EAT SPAM on camera if I won. So, there’s that, too. Tell your friends!
YOU: “What up with the vintage TV commercial?”
ME: “I’m using it allegorically … to illustrate a point.”
YOU (hopefully within your head): “Dork.”
Recipe for a Solid Blog Post
ODNT = one pound of ground meat
WordPress = skillet (preferably non-stick)
Britely Company = Hamburger Helper
* * * * * * * * * *
Remember The Day Things Got Hairy at Disney World? I wrote it back in April and it won me $50 (which, by the way, was the funding I used to purchase a certain ketchup costume). Well, thanks to the crackerjack team at Britely, yet another visually unexciting post at ODNT has been given an extreme makeover. And, although I wouldn’t have thought it possible, I think I have now managed to humiliate myself with this story … even more.
Click the image below the see the updated version of my most embarrassing moment as a mom
… now in picture book form!
And don’t forget to share this Brite book. Every click helps!
Thanks to the good people at the Britely company, I’ve remodeled yet another ODNT post. I say “remodeled” because transforming my charming but old-fashioned blog post into a beautiful, new Brite book with more curb appeal reminds me a lot of real estate rehab. And I found a great article to help me get started on eHow entitled How to Fix Up a House & Sell it Fast. I think the advice works either way.
FIVE STEPS TO FLIPPING YOUR BLOG POST IN TODAY’S MARKET
1. Look at the house (blog post) from a buyer’s (reader’s) point of view.
- Good God, that is a CRAP load of text, isn’t it?
2. Smell the house (blog post). If it smells like mold, pet urine or cigarettes, it needs a thorough cleaning before a buyer ever steps in the door.
3. Determine what repairs (edits) are necessary.
- Duh. Less words. More pictures, right?
4. Check with the local building permits office.
- I have no idea how this one is relevant to my blog but it sure sounds important, doesn’t it?
5. Clean up the property (content). Trim (edit) or remove (delete) overgrown trees and bushes (useless crap), mow the yards (cut the rambling), wash the windows (spell check) and power wash the exterior, driveway and sidewalk (beg my friend, Mel, to double check everything).
- Here’s hoping you like its newer, trimmer, less-uriney-smelling cousin.
Click the image below to see the AFTER picture of this post … as a Brite.
Like it, Comment on it or Share it …
and good luck will befall you within 48 hours.
And who doesn’t need good luck?
I made another Brite flip book today called Things To Do in an Extended Power Outage. Today marks our fourth day as an unplugged city. And the old dude sitting with a big ‘DAY FOUR!’ sign by the interstate is making sure everyone knows it.
But I’m one of the lucky ones. Lucky because I have a brother in town who has power. And we’ve been cooking in his oven, showering in his bathtubs and sleeping in his beds since Thursday. Still, I know what it feels like to sit in a hot …. dark … deathly quiet house during a power outage for no-one-ever-knows-how-long. It’s no fun. You make the most of it in the beginning with flash light games and general tomfoolery. (Yes, I said tomFOOLery.) But after a while, it becomes too hot to sleep at night. And the painfully still air in your home becomes stale and difficult to breathe.
So, with the extra time I’ve been given this week, I’ve been writing my ass off. Which doesn’t show at all because I’ve also been eating and drinking like a pig. I’m from New Orleans. It’s what we do. Especially during a hurricane.
Anyway, I’m tired … and feeling unwitty … so without further ado, I give you my latest goofball creation. CLICK THE IMAGE BELOW to view my collection of utterly useless, totally unhelpful but hopefully at least humorous Things to Do in an Extended Power Outage.
Ironically, as I wrote this post, my neighbor texted me with the following message: “WE HAVE POWER!!!” So … we’re going home tomorrow. (Did anyone else just hear my brother yell ‘Woohoo!’?) My stir crazy kids are anxious to be reunited with our beloved pets, Milo and Herve. They stayed back at the house because my brother is allergic. And also because we remained local. I would never leave them behind if we left town.
The cover of today’s Times Picayune
My heart goes out to everyone still without power. Among them are my parents. If any of my NOLA peeps wants to come sit in the A/C and suck on some ice tomorrow, call me.
I made another Brite book. Originally, I created it to observe the 7th anniversary of Hurricane Katrina and had planned to post it on Wednesday, August 29. But when Hurricane Isaac started bearing down on us so heavily a few days ago, I decided to sit on it for a while. It just didn’t seem right to put it up where so many people I care about would read it. I could not be responsible for creating any more stress than what was already suffocating the city.
So now, with the recent storm finally behind us, I want to share my latest Brite entitled Katrina – Seven Years Later. I’m so glad things turned out differently for most of us this time. My heart goes out to those of you who weren’t so lucky. I cannot WAIT to have power restored to my home as well as to the many others affected by the storm. Oh, and I want to thank my brother for allowing the kids and I (and soon very likely my parents) to take over his air-conditioned home for who-the-hell-knows-how-long. Thanks, Jeff. I’ll bring the sausage bread, Cheez-Its and Old Rotterdam Aged Gouda. Love you.
(Click the image below to view the Brite book.)
Editor’s Note: The Toilet Story mentioned within this Brite Book is a true tale inspired by the aftermath of Hurricane Katrina. Click here to view it.
Thanks, Britely, for selecting my Back to School ABCs Brite as your winner last week. And thanks to everyone here for visiting and voting. With all the storm anxiety pumping through my veins, this week was a great one for good news.
I could win ONE THOUSAND DOLLARS, you guys.
– – – – – – – – – –
ONE. THOUSAND. DOLLARS.
– – – – – – – – – –
Remember when I won $50 for the crazy story about The Day Things got HAIRY at Disney World? And remember what I bought with it? That’s right. A ketchup costume. Even my kids thought I was an idiot. Well, for the record, you guys will all know the meaning behind it when I publish my post tomorrow. Right, Mel? (Teaser.)
But back to the … ONE. THOUSAND. DOLLARS.
Remember the Brite book I just created entitled The Back to School ABCs? Well, IT WAS JUST NAMED A FINALIST in this week’s contest for ONE THOUSAND DOLLARS. Good God, I hope I don’t have to wear a damned swimsuit for the last round of competition. Does anyone have any double stick tape … and a sarong … and maybe a Snuggie?!!?
Michele, how can we help you win ONE. THOUSAND. DOLLARS?
All you need to do is click the image below. CLICK THE SNOT OUT OF IT! I need views, likes & comments … and shares (via their Facebook, Twitter, Pinterest & Email buttons) to get even more views, likes & comments. So, please click it … and do your thing!
Do you guys know what I could do with ONE THOUSAND DOLLARS?
That’s 200 bricks of Havardi Cheese. Is it enough to build my bucket list house of cheese? Well, no. No, it’s not. But I’m pretty sure I could make a cheese igloo. Which, if you think about it, makes a lot more sense anyway. Cheese needing to be kept cold and all.
Remember, it takes a Village
… to build a CHEESE IGLOO.
Yes, that’s right. Just one year ago today, I wrote a blog post …
… then sweated buckets about it, sent proofs to half a dozen people, second guessed myself, ate a pound of cheese and drank a bottle of wine contemplating it, considered scrapping the whole thing, third guessed myself, cried quietly, berated myself in front of the mirror …
… and hit publish.
It’s been a very interesting first year. CLICK ON THE IMAGE BELOW to see just a few of the highlights in my scrapbook.
If you’re interested in reading some of the stories in this scrapbook, I’ve included the links for you at the end of this post. Because I understand lazy. And I know I would NEVER bother to look them up on my own. And I’m assuming that, if you read this blog, you’re probably lazy like me. So I did your heavy lifting for you today.
Thanks to all of you for riding shotgun with me the past year. Here’s to year number two!
The Posts that Inspired ‘Things You Read About on ODNT (2011-12)’
- Man Boobs Quiz & Answers *
- Hoarder on Wheels
- Naked Mole Rats Introduction & Tweeting Spree
- Norma Stitz *
- Bitchy Barbies Introduction, Playdate & Acquisition
- Red Hair Dye Phobias
- Drug Hallucinations
- Tumor Look-a-like Contest *
- The AMC Letters: One, Two, Three & Four
- Bag Balm
- Just Say No to Saving the Earth
- Paging Mr. Baldwin: The Appeal & The Response
- Hunger Games Prequel
- My Junior Novel (maybe)
- How does one say Goodbye to a Toilet?
- A Hairy Day at Disney World
- A Cow named Michele
- Creating a New Identity for my Class Reunion
- When Johnny Depp came to my BBQ
- Spray Cheese Delivered to your Door
- Things You Learn While Drinking Wine
- A Bloody Good Idea for Next Summer
- The Hamster’s Going to Need a Lot of Therapy
* These posts have been deleted for undisclosed reasons. And, for the record, it is NOT because I’ve been served with restraining orders from John Travolta, Norma Stitz and Homer Simpson.
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Tagged a cow named michele, Alec Baldwin, bag balm, bitchy barbies, Brite book, bung hole, class reunion, cow udder, drug hallucinations, gender confusion, hamster, having johnny depp over for dinner, hoarders, hunger games prequel, ira, johnny depp, junior novel, kleinpeter dairy, letter to abc, man boobs, mass effect, Naked Mole Rats, norma stitz, ode to a toilet, one year anniversary of ODNT, red hair dye, spray cheese delivered to your door, tandoori chicken, the day things got hairy at disney world, things you read about on ODNT, trojan vibrations commercial during polar express, Tumor, Twitter, vials of pig's blood, waterproof, where the wild things are, wine tour