Monthly Archives: May 2012

Here she is … MY BIG FAT (DAIRY-RELATED) SECRET!


Haven’t kept up with the ODNT Kleinpeter Dairy Chronicles? These links should get you up to speed.

Today’s post is in reply to my last letter to Mr. Kleinpeter posted yesterday on ODNT.

Dear Michele,

WOW!! You guys are borderline insane!!

I feel right at home with all of this … and where in the world did someone find the old Kleinpeter commercial???

The girl who did the voice over, way back then, is now our Marketing Consultant!!! I sent this to her, and she is going to have a calf!!!

Two things really stuck out in my mind:

One – Why does organic milk last so long? Because it is heated up to a really high temperature (ultrapasteurized). Makes the milk last for 3 months. Why?  So they can transport it across the country from the manufacturer to the customer. Disadvantage? Unfortunately, it alters the milk protein structure such that the milk passes through the small intestine and is not absorbed there, which is counterproductive to good health. Organic, healthy. Ultrapasteurized, unhealthy. Why do they do this to organic milk? The cows are in California so they can’t get the milk to you still in date without doing it. Ugh.

Two – And MOST important!! Someone suggested us naming a Kleinpeter Calf after you, Michele. Well, here it is!! Michele was born on 5/8 and is a beautiful young Holstein calf, female of course. We don’t put the actual ear tag in for another 2 months because their ears are so tender at this age.

And, yes, we do name every calf born at Kleinpeter Farms. We have 1,300 cows there, and they are not “just” numbers to us. They all have awesome names, like “Michele” now.

How about that??

Jeff

Jeff Kleinpeter
President
Kleinpeter Farms Dairy, L.L.C.

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You guys, I have a COW named after me!

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That’s way better than Acupuncturist, Televangelist, Global Inter-Office Specialized Communications Manager or any of the other crap I was going to try to pull off at my reunion tonight.

Thanks, Mr. K. You made my week. Oh, and my daughter wants to meet the calf. So, don’t go doing anything crazy with her. I guess at a DAIRY farm a cow is pretty safe … for a while.

Gosh, I hope it doesn’t get too confusing with two Micheles around here. Tell you what. From now on, when you write in to the blog, please be sure to specify whether you are addressing HUMAN Michele or BOVINE Michele. Otherwise, it could get preeeeeetty awkward.

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The Kleinpeter Dairy Chronicles continued …


When we last saw our hero, he was just getting back from the beach. Read on for more of the ODNT Kleinpeter Dairy Chronicles with a big mystery to be revealed … just in time for my reunion …. tomorrow!

Hi, Mr. K!

It’s great hearing from you again. And I’m glad to read that you got some much needed respite from work. We all need these little moments to stay afloat in life, right? Just curious … in all of the funny stories you shared with your old pals … did you happen to mention that you’re a superhero of sorts on a crazy woman’s blog? You really need to come check out your laudatory comments. You’ve become a bit of a legend. I’ve written several posts about Kleinpeter to date but it was my original letter to you that won a little contest. Click the following link and check out 4th place. (Yes. 4th place DOES count for something. At least that’s what my mom says. Unfortunately, probably more often than she’d like.)
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And, to make things easy for you, I’m including all of the past Kleinpeter posts right here … for easy clicking:
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From the second post on is where your praise starts rolling in. And, honestly, if someone sent me a link to a site where I could read excessive extolment about myself, I’m pretty sure I’d get so engrossed in it that my kids would go hungry that week. Sadly … to date … they have yet to miss one single meal. Sigh.
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Anyway, like I said before, should you ever need a slightly irreverent copywriter, I’m your man … or woman, as it were. And I really like milk. I think that should be a job qualification, don’t you?
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Sincerely,
Michele

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Our Favorite Milkman is Back from the Beach


For those who have been following along, we just got a letter from our favorite milkman … fresh from a trip with his buddies to the beach. And, if you haven’t been following, click the links below to catch up on the ODNT Kleinpeter Dairy Chronicles. It’ll restore your faith in humanity, make you laugh and probably also leave you wanting a nice, tall glass of wholesome, nutritious (Kleinpeter) milk.

No, Mr. Kleinpeter doesn’t advertise on the blog …. yet.

  1.  A Letter to Kleinpeter Dairy Farms
  2. They Wrote Back! The Dairy Company Wrote Back!
  3. Have you hugged your milkman today?
  4. Getting to Know the Charismatic Mr. Kleinpeter
  5. Checking in with Mr. Kleinpeter

In an effort to get the blog up to speed, I’m including his latest two letters in this same post. That’s right. You get two posts for the price of one. Today only! These are the kinds of savings … and more … that you’ll get right here every day at ODNT.

Take that, Mr. Hate-Mail-Writing, Tooth-Loving Dude!


May 11, 2012

Hi Michele,

I haven’t been checking as I’ve been out of town. But, I’m back now!

Sounds like you’ve made me a hero….whew, my forehead is sweating…..

Let me think on the milk copywriting a bit more. I do have a great team here and we’re meeting next week to discuss strategies. I’ll ask the girls, Marsanne Golsby and Melinda Walsh, what they think about this, among the other 20 things we’ll be discussing.

Again, thanks for being our customer, and thanks for the opportunity to discuss this option.

Jeff

Jeff Kleinpeter
President
Kleinpeter Farms Dairy, L.L.C.


And then, a few days later, I got this second letter from Mr. K.


May 14, 2012

Hi again,

I’m back from the beach!

Every year, myself and 4-6 high school buddies hit Orange Beach for about 4 days. We used to call it a golf trip, but the golf got in the way of our fun, so now we call it a Gulf trip.

It was great to see some of my pals, some of whom I see just once a year.

The older we get, the more fun this trip is.

Anyway, we made it back for Mother’s Day, all of us, and now we are starting to remember some of the funny things and email them to each other.

We are already counting down the days, only 359 left, until we meet again.

Enough of that, tell me how you won a contest??

I admit, I haven’t checked your blog (leave no bruising please), because when I take vacation, I still work, and 250 emails a day, on the beach, is not easy to handle, but I do.

Please update me,

Jeff.

Jeff Kleinpeter
President
Kleinpeter Farms Dairy, L.L.C.


Oh, and for the record, I’ve already written him back … and I got a response with some exciting news that I never saw coming. I just might have found an angle for my reunion with which I don’t think anyone will be able to compete.

Stay tuned!

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Troubled over a Troublesome Troubler (From the Smartass Collection – for Trifecta)


It’s Trifecta time.

And this week was HARD. I just couldn’t get a handle on the one-word prompt. So I tried using it every way I could. One of them just has to be right. Dear God, I think I’m starting to channel Edward Hotspur.

RULES: Entries must be between 33 & 333 words and need to include the following word using its 3rd definition (below).

1 : the quality or state of being troubled especially mentally
2 : public unrest or disturbance <;;there’s trouble brewing downtown>;;

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Troubled over a Troublesome Troubler

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“Trouble in Paradise?” he asked.

“This latest Trifecta prompt has caused me nothing but trouble. Honestly, it’s been troubling me all day,” she answered.

“What’s the trouble?”

“The word this week is ‘trouble.’ It’s a real troubler for me. And I’m having trouble trying to figure out a way to use this troublesome word.”

“Should we try a little troubleshooting?”

“I’m too troubled to take the trouble. You see, there’s trouble afoot because of the deadline approaching. Plus, I was a bit of a troublemaker yesterday.”

“Well, now you’re in double trouble. What did you do to get into this deep trouble?”

“I caused trouble by questioning the Trifecta overlords. I told them there was trouble on the home front. And that it was so much trouble that I wasn’t sure I’d be submitting this week.”

“Well, there’s definitely trouble a-brewin’ now. Why’d you have to go and get yourself in trouble?”

“I know. I should never have made trouble. That’s the trouble with this whole thing.”

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My Daughter’s Dream – To NOT be an Astronaut


I’m giving my girl the floor tonight. How could I not when she came home today and showed me the report she wrote in her school journal? It’s easily the best thing I’ve ever read. God, I just hope her teacher was kind.

The topic? Would you like to go into outer space with the astronauts?

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She seems so colloquial … and she rambles on and off topic quite a bit, don’t you think? I have absolutely no idea where she gets it. Plus, clearly she hasn’t heard the news about Katy & Russell. Maybe I should get her a copy of Teen People. Of course, she’s not a teen yet, so that’s probably not appropriate. I wonder if they make Tween People. Duh, Michele. They do … and it’s called Tiger Beat. God, I miss Tiger Beat.

What were we talking about again?

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Check Your Email, Dude – Brotherly Love (Ep. 6)


You guys DO understand that we’re reading other people’s PERSONAL and REAL emails here, right?

Remember MY PLAN to rid the world of misdirected emails? Every time I get something good sent to me by mistake, I’m sharing it. Right here. In a segment called Check Your Email, Dude (CYED).

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You are now reading Episode #6 of the Jud & Bill series entitled Brotherly Love, chronicling the mundanely interesting goings-on in the daily lives of two brothers across the country from one another. To view past episodes …

Episode 1 ….. Episode 2 ….. Episode 3 ….. Episode 4 ….. Episode 5

[ Brotherly Love – Ep. 6 ]

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7/22/11,12:20pm

Bill,

Don’t forget for 60 years you have eaten cow meat at least twice a week. So, now you are going to lose your big beef muscle if you don’t eat cow at least once a month. The diverse 25% of the Palm Springs population knows all about keeping their big beef muscles in shape by practicing a Greek-style of diet. Have to eat my lunch now of (you guessed it) salad, tomatoes and Greek olives … and my ration of four croutons. Talk soon.

Jud


Dear God in Heaven, what is a BIG BEEF MUSCLE? And what does Greek food have to do with keeping it in shape? And, last but most importantly, what brand of croutons do you think Jud is eating?

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Stay tuned for more adventures of Jud & Bill in our next episode of Check Your Email, Dude.

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Oh, yeah? Well, what did YOU get for Mother’s Day?


By now, most of you know my amazing daughter, creator of such blog posts as If Nerds Could be Superheroes and The Mysterious Treat Trick. She’s my biggest fan and she was truly pissed when she learned of my non-fan mail a few days ago. I’m not sure how much longer I’ll be able to balance on this rickety pedestal she’s got me on but I sure am loving the ride for now.

The kid cracks me up every single day. Check out my Mother’s Day present. That wad of cash was $4 of her own money, thank-you-very-much.

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 Happy Mother’s Day to my mom … and to all the other moms out there who I call friends.

Word to Your Mother, Y’all …

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My Fond Farewell to the Desperate Housewives


Dear ABC, Marc Cherry and the Entire Cast & Crew of Desperate Housewives,

Today, on the eve of your series finale, I wanted to take a minute to send you a little love and appreciation for eight years of great entertainment. I seldom take the time to write letters of this sort. As a matter of fact, I’m fairly certain that the last piece of fan mail I put out there involved ordering something called a Shaun Cassidy Everything Kit. (It never came by the way … and I’m still waiting.)

When Desperate Housewives debuted in October 2004, I had two very young children. My son was four and my daughter was two and, like any mother with kids that age, I was a frazzled, sleepless woman with little time for herself. Actually, the only real me time I remember getting back then was from 8-9pm on Sunday nights when my husband took the kids off my hands completely enabling me, literally, to hole up in my bedroom and take in my weekly hour of what I always called my calorie-free chocolate. (It had all the guilty pleasure and indulgence of a nice Godiva bar but none of the dietary sabotage.)

My biggest mistake was encouraging my husband to watch the show with me at some point and letting him get sucked in as much as I was. Yes, that’s right. I just outed my husband as a big male Desperate Housewives fan, whether he likes it or not. So, from that point on, we taped the show and watched it after the kids went to bed. And it was a fun hour that we spent together each week keeping up with your motley crew of housewives, temptresses, murderesses and more.

Until August 2005.

We’re from New Orleans, Louisiana. And, like so many others all around us, we lost our home to Hurricane Katrina and wound up fleeing to my husband’s mother’s home about 80 miles away where our family of four lived for the next nine months with her as well as with my parents and my brother. (Talk about the Clampett family.)

It was at this point that I sucked my mother into the show. I can remember putting my kids to bed on Sunday nights in our temporary house and settling in with my mom on the sofa with a few glasses of wine to take in the new episode each week. In truth, it was one of the things I most looked forward to back in those dark days of not knowing what would happen next. Your storyline allowed me to escape my (fairly substantial at the time) worries and just get caught up in the characters every Sunday.

It became such a ‘my thing’ back then that it was the theme of my next birthday party. My kids were in charge and, since their parties always had themes (a la Dora the Explorer, Disney Princesses, etc.), they thought mine should reflect my favorite things. So, with the help of my mother, they wrote ABC on my behalf and received an autographed picture as well as some small pictures that they used to decorate my cake. We played ‘Pin the Ponytail on the Desperate Housewife’ and they even ordered me this shirt.

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Yes, I still have it. But it says ‘I’m Desperate’ and it’s very tight so it’s been demoted to a night shirt.

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Any chance of having the world know the real benign meaning of my shirt was lost in this tiny logo completely covered by my hair on the back.

Now nearly seven years after Katrina, my family is settled back in New Orleans in a new home that we’ve owned since 2007. My kids, who were potty training pre-schoolers when the show started, are now 9 and 12. We’re starting to look at high schools for my son. It’s amazing the time span that your show covered in the life of my family.

And I never missed an episode. I’ll be sorry to see you go. I don’t know what I’m going to do on Sunday nights. If I bring the wine and cheese, can I come over to your house?

Yours in eight years of appreciation,

Michele

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Happy Mother’s Day to all of you!

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The Mother of All Trifextra Assignments


It’s Trifextra time. The assignment? “This weekend, we only need 32 words from you, because we’re giving you the 33rd.  Your challenge is to write anything you want, in whichever form you please, so long as your response is exactly 33 words and includes the word ‘mother.'”

So, I figured if putting mother in there one time was the standard, then putting it in there seven times would put me over the top and surely guarantee me a win.  Don’t you think?

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The Mother of All Trifextra Assignments

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Mother ran in carrying a mother load of Mother Nature books when the motherboard ignited. Her mother of pearl anklet snagged on a Mother Goose plush on the floor and she shouted, “Mother ….!”

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And, since my entry is unconventional, the “mother song” accompanying it will be, too.

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My First Hate Mail Here at ODNT


Okay, so maybe “HATE” mail is a bit of an exaggeration. But “YOUR BLOG DISPLEASES ME” mail just didn’t sound as punchy.

It all started out innocently enough with me sitting at the hair salon waiting for the red to settle into my dark roots. I was playing on Twitter when I saw an opportunity for self-promotion, a must in the writer’s world, at which I suck. And, sort of because I am a nice person … but mostly because my brother guilted me into it … I downloaded a crappy, clumsy free app on my phone that would enable me to blacken out my critic’s identity. (What-EV-er! It’s all still on Twitter anyway if you are so inclined.)

Here’s how the conversation went down.

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And a little time passed while he went to peruse the blog.

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I wonder if he at least liked the font and type size I was using.

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Short of calling me fat, I’m not really sure what’s left. Still … I’m new to this whole blogging game so I decided to poke around his Twitter account to see if I could learn anything from someone who’s clearly been around the block a few times and knows what he’s talking about. He’s a dentist … or a “dental enthusiast” of some sort … so everything centers on that. I’m not even sure why he’s following me except that he probably accidentally typed ‘tits’ when he meant to type ‘teeth’ in the search field. It happens all the time. (Cough.)

Here’s what he tweeted not one, not two, but three times yesterday.

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Dave says he’s just some poor dude obviously plagued with chronic halitosis. But I realized he’s so much more. The man is a genius and he’s just trying to mentor me. ME! Of all the blogging newbies out there, he picked ME!

Here at ODNT I don’t give anything back to you guys. You come here … hoping to save a dime … maybe find a bargain or two … and what do I do? I bore you with stories about two old brothers growing pot in their bathtub.

Shame. On. Me.

I want to make this right. So, I’m asking now that you please accept my most sincere apologies … and this link to numerous Meow Mix cat food coupons!

Oh, and you can totally expect to get more of these babies in the future so keep checking in. Why should I waste time writing “quality” content when I can just share coupons?!!? Hell, if you keep reading this blog, you might actually be able to retire early.


Special thanks go out to my Tweeps who came to my rescue with supportive rebuttals to the dentist. Some of you even managed to get yourselves blocked from his account. If that’s not friendship (sniff) …


Dying for more? Wondering if there’s a Part Two to this story? Well, yeah. There is. Click here for the continuing saga of my non-stalker.

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read to be read at yeahwrite.me