I went Halloween costume shopping with my girl today and saw this one. Am I nuts … or was Paul Reubens totally ripped off?
“Paging Mr. Herman …”
I went Halloween costume shopping with my girl today and saw this one. Am I nuts … or was Paul Reubens totally ripped off?
“Paging Mr. Herman …”
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Tagged "Old Dog New Tits", Bow Tie Guy, Halloween costume, Paul Reubens, Pee-wee, Pee-wee was ripped off
I went wine shopping today. Well, I really went grocery shopping but it turned into wine shopping … because I was at a different store than usual. Every so often, I cheat on my regular nearby grocer and visit the place I went today because they stock things I can’t find anywhere else. And, when I just have to have things like my Mon Cuisine Vegan Moroccan Chicken frozen dinners, it’s my go-to place.
The wine section at this store actually comes staffed with its own personnel, ready and willing to offer recommendations and assist me with any questions I may have. That’s service. And because I spent about twenty minutes browsing the bottles while my dairy products curdled in the cart, I had to beat off the wine guys three or four times. They likely soon realized I was an idiot anyway when I started snapping pictures of the bottles found below.
And I’ll ask again – When did all of the wine makers get so pissy? Once I saw the first label, it became a game to find more ‘angry’ bottles so I could share this completely useless information with you.
Sure. They think I’m crazy at that store now. But it was worth it. And I did come home with a pleasantly-named Malbec so I didn’t completely waste their time.
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Tagged "Old Dog New Tits", Ass Kisser, Big Ass, Fat Bastard, Malbec, Royal Bitch, Sassy Bitch, Sweet Bitch, wine, wine makers
Alright, let’s address the title of this entry right off the bat.
My husband is coming to the second round visits for two reasons: (1) He cares about my welfare. (Yes, I am making an assumption here but I think on most days it’s actually true) and (2) He is the co-signer on all of my financial accounts. This statement makes it sound like we have sizeable accounts in Switzerland or the Grand Caymans. We do not. We do, however, have one at the local branch around the corner. There – I am important. They always have ice cold water available for me at no charge that I may drink in as many two-ounce dunce cap-shaped cups as I desire. And I’m pretty sure if I asked that they would give me a Saf-T-pop. For free.
My mom came to this visit (she couldn’t make it to Doctor 5’s second visit) because she is curious about everything and wants to be sure I’m making a good decision here. She cares. A lot. And if that makes me a dork then it’s really just one more thing to add to the list. Which grows. Every day. Especially now since I’m a … blogger.
Anyway, you know the drill. Woke up. Kids off to school. Got myself ready to go and waited for my ‘committee’ to arrive so I could leave for the appointment. My husband came back home first, then my brother came over (no, he wasn’t part of the original plan) and then my mom. No one was in a hurry to get there and get this thing done except me. My brother and my husband actually started to talk football. I resisted the urge to kill them both and managed to send my brother on his way and herd my spouse and mother into the car with me. And off we went.
This morning, we paid a second visit to Doctor 4. He’s the doctor that suggested a mini-lift and saline implants (270 to 330cc). The implants he uses (Allergan) are texturized and come with an impressive 10-year insurance policy. My friend, Vanessa, came with me last time. Remember?
We weren’t in the waiting room long before my name was called. I immediately introduced my husband and my mom and explained their presence and was met with smiles and complete understanding. (Exhale.) The three of us were escorted to an examination room by the doctor’s assistant. She was just as helpful and friendly as she was last time and put me and my entourage immediately at ease.
We chatted with her only a few minutes before the doctor came in. (I still like him so much.) He began explaining everything we talked about at my first appointment to my husband and mother to get them up to speed. I could see that they both felt comfortable with him.
Having just been to Doctor 5 again, the comparison was fresh in my mind. One of my first questions was about the texturized shells used with the saline implants. If you remember, Doctor 4 swears by them as they are said to adapt better within the chest wall and prevent scar tissue from forming around them. Doctor 5 said he feels they don’t always drop into place as well as the smooth shells following surgery. And I shared Doctor 5’s comment at this appointment.
Doctor 4 said he hasn’t had any issues with the texturized implants and said they always drop perfectly into place. He stood by their ability to maintain a pocket for themselves where they are inserted rather than becoming embedded in scar tissue. He added that prevention of scar tissue means prevention of breast hardening which can occur over the years with the smooth outer shells. Never wanting to be a guinea pig for science or progress, I asked how long these texturized shells have been available, expecting to hear somewhere in the neighborhood of five years. “Twenty-five years” was the answer.
So I’m guessing they’re tried and true then.
We talked a lot about his specific recommendations for me and asked a few questions here and there. My husband asked his same ‘What about any complications that arise during this elective surgery? Are they covered by insurance?” question. Similar to our other second round doctor, Doctor 4 said that the number one complication risk is infection but it is extremely rare. He said he personally guarantees all of his work as well as the products he uses during surgery. He said an infection can be treated, with the implant even removed if necessary, immediately and in the office. His assurance and surgical history served to satisfy all of us, especially when added to the fact that the implants carried an additional insurance policy of their own.
My mom had some questions about his recommendations. (1) Would the mini-lift do the trick for me? (My mom was the one who first made the lift diagnosis for me years ago. What? I said we were close.) (2) What effect would the implants have on my mammograms? And the doctor answered them with her the same way he did with me. (1) Yes, because of where I measured, a mini-lift should achieve the result I need without subjecting me to all of the additional incisions and thus scarring involved with a full lift. (2) With additional views taken during my mammograms, the technician should be able to achieve as full a view of my breast tissue as a patient without implants.
When everyone’s questions had been answered, I asked to see the ‘Great Big Book of Boobs’ again. And there I sat with my husband, my mom and a complete stranger flipping through page after page of saggy-to-braggy breasts. I figured my spouse had suffered through two boob appointments so I’d at least score him the book. But I hadn’t really considered the fact that he’d be looking through it with his mother-in-law. Looking back, it seemed more like a Farrelly Brothers movie than real life. Although I think I did hear him comment about someone’s “cans” while flipping through the book at some point. So maybe it wasn’t a total loss …
And now I really need some time to digest. And mull. And ponder. And contemplate, meditate, formulate, deliberate.
Great. Now I’m thinking of that stupid INXS song.
Milo recently introduced himself to Steve, our new school fair goldfish, and I snapped this picture. Captions, anyone?
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Tagged "Old Dog New Tits", captions, cat staring at fish, goldfish, Milo, Steve
Let’s recap. I had five Round One breast augmentation doctor consultations and brought girlfriends with me to all of them. After meeting with them and reporting everything I learned back to you here, we took a vote to determine which doctors would advance to Round Two. You selected Doctors 4 & 5. I have no problem with that. They were both great doctors who seemed very capable of taking excellent care of me.
Note: Doctor 1 is still in the back of my mind, too. I like that she is a she. I like that I told her about my blog. I like that she was willing to digest everything I learned from all of the other doctors with me. I had actually made a follow-up appointment with her as well but had to cancel due to a family illness. She’s still floating around in my brain somewhere.
It was a regular weekday morning around here, except that it was cold. Fall is finally creeping into our Southern part of the world. My husband and I managed to drag ourselves and the kids out of bed and get everyone to school on time. And then it was time to drag him to his first Boob Doctor meeting.
This morning, we paid a second visit to Doctor 5. He’s the doctor that suggested a lift somewhere between a mini and a full and silicone implants (280 to 300cc). His practice specializes in breast reconstruction after breast cancer. My friend, Melissa, came with me last time. Remember?
When we walked into the building, my husband had the same reaction I did. He said he felt a little out of place seeking cosmetic surgery in a facility that specializes in the treatment of often very sick women. We sat down and flipped through the pink albums on the tables in waiting area together. I got a better look at some of these testimonials this time around. I saw smiling faces hailing from Mississippi, Indiana, Missouri, Arizona, Minnesota and California – to name only a few places. The one word used over and over again in the letters from these women and their families was “hero.” They clearly had amazing results and relationships with these doctors.
Oh, and did I mention there were cookies? Delicious and pretty pink ribbon almond cookies for Breast Cancer Awareness Month. Yes, of course, I had one. And then they called us back.
My husband and I got situated in the examination room and I found myself tutoring him, whether he liked it or not, about everything I’d learned so far. I spent the most time revisiting everything I learned from Doctor 5 during my first visit. I wanted my husband to be able to speak as knowledgeably as I now could and maybe even help him formulate some questions.
Then, the doctor came in. He’s a very easygoing, down-to-earth person who I think quickly made my husband feel as comfortable upon first meeting as he did with me last time. The three of us discussed the median lift that Doctor 5 proposed, with an L-shaped incision, and then talked a bit about the implants themselves. At my first visit, Doctor 5 talked mostly about silicone and I knew they were his preference. Still, with all I’ve learned to date, I might just be leaning to saline and wanted to be sure that was also an option with him. It, of course, was. He said that if I have any reservations about silicone then I should go with saline … because I need to feel comfortable with everything.
He reiterated his earlier points about not going too big and not going wider than what I’m starting to perceive as my freakishly narrow chest base. He also explained and emphasized the lengths he takes to prevent infection during surgery. We basically talked about everything we discussed in my first visit to get my husband up to speed with everything. It was good having him there. I think he feels at ease with this doctor and much more part of the process now. He even made a joke about making sure I’m not hooked up to the garden hose to fill up the saline implants.
Do people tend to make jokes when they’re more relaxed or more nervous? I actually think both are true for my spouse.
One of the doctor’s assistants brought in a few silicone implants for us to handle. I think it was my husband’s first time feeling them. (At least, I hope it was.) I could see the scientist in him at work. And, before he could say it, I jokingly blurted out, “Do you think we could feel a side by side comparison of silicone and saline within the patient?” Doctor 5 politely laughed my sad, nervous joke, one that he’s probably heard every day since he entered the practice.
Then, we each had questions about insurance. My husband wanted to know if any complications that arose in surgery would be covered by our insurance. I wanted to know if he offered any products that came with an insurance policy such as Doctor 4.
And he basically answered our questions together. The short answer is no … to both. Complications arising from surgery are not necessarily covered and his facility offers no contractual insurance for its work. However, he added that, to date, he has not had any issues arise either from surgical complications or implant defects. And, while he didn’t discount these possibilities completely, he emphasized that they are very rare.
As far as surgical complications, he said the number one issue is infection. And he takes such great pains to avoid it that it has never manifested itself in any of his patients. As far as implant defects, he said he personally guarantees all of his work as well as the products he uses. Thus, if an issue such as a leak arises with one of his surgeries, he corrects it … immediately and at no charge. It does nothing for him to have a very dissatisfied patient out in the world.
And, after taking up about an hour of this doctor’s time with my extreme thoroughness, we each shook his hand and thanked him for yet another very informative visit. Then, we gathered our things and headed out. My husband whispered that it was hard not to look at the boobs of every woman in the office to determine if they’d joined the club.
And we walked out through the waiting room together … but not before I could grab another cookie.
I just got back from ‘Merlot & Mammograms’ at a local winery/restaurant in town. An event benefitting a very worthy cause but unfortunately saddled with a very pitiful name. I invited my friend, Kelley, to come with me and the first thing she said was that it should have been named ‘Boobs & Booze.” I like hers better, don’t you? (I’m accepting suggestions for the winery for next year so feel free to comment below.)
I met Melissa (remember her from consultation five?) and her husband and two of their other friends there. There was wine and there was cheese so I was good. Very, very good. Some of the bottles were handpicked and labeled with pink ribbons to indicate that their purchase would benefit the cause. There were also door prizes and raffles. Melissa and I snickered at the requirement stating that you ‘Must be present to win and must be able to respond to name.’
How much wine did they think we’d be drinking???
It was a fun night … a very easy way to support Breast Cancer Awareness … but now I need to get some sleep. For everyone who has been keeping up, we’ve just entered round two and your votes have been tabulated (from 10/12/11). Doctors 4 & 5 have advanced to this round.
A follow-up appointment is scheduled with Doctor 5 for tomorrow morning. And my husband is going. The voice of reason. The grounded voice of reason. The ridiculously grounded voice of reason. The cautious, ridiculously grounded voice of reason. You get where I’m going with this line of thought, right?
Anyway, he’ll be there to join me tomorrow, while some other man “handles” me and explains what has to be “fixed.” I’m thinking that’s got to be weird for a guy. It’s going to be a very different experience than the girl talk of the previous appointments. And I’ll be putting him through it again with Doctor 4. My mom is even coming to that one.
It takes a village.
Wish me luck. I expect these next two appointments to be very telling.
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Tagged "Old Dog New Tits", Boobs & Booze, breast cancer awareness, Merlot & Mammograms
Daughter: Can I sleep with you tonight?
Me: No, sweets. It’s a school night. Go to bed.
Daughter: Please. It’s a special occasion.
Me: What? What’s the occasion?
Daughter: Haven’t you been watching the news? It’s Columbus Day.
Me: (pregnant pause) Dude, Columbus Day isn’t a special occasion … plus it was eight days ago.
Daughter:Oh, okay. Well, maybe NEXT year on Columbus Day?
Me: Yeah, sure. Maybe so. Goodnight, girlfriend.
Daughter: Good night, Mommy.
Apparently, I need to get her a calendar. And we should probably stop having such lavish celebrations on things like World Nutella Day, half birthdays and National Lizard Day.
Across the globe, breast cancer is the most common form of cancer affecting women today. According to the Susan G. Komen for the Cure Foundation, “it is estimated that more than 1.6 million new cases of breast cancer occurred among women worldwide in 2010.”
Generally speaking, the more developed countries tend to have higher rates of incidence, which has been attributed to lifestyle and reproductive factors as well as lower screening rates and incomplete reporting in the developing countries. In any event, I think it’s time we all became a little more multi-lingual today and learned to talk about boobs wherever we find ourselves. You never know when that skill may come in handy. So, without further ado, I bring you our second interactive ODNT game …
… and welcome you to play along. The rules here are very loose so have some fun with it, amigos!
I’ll go first again to show you how it’s done.
(1) You should strip completely before entering your home at night. Shaking out your hair does not rid you of the deeply-implanted results of multiple confetti-eggings. I think I’ll be finding white bits of paper around the house for months. I’m hoping the cat will learn to eat them.
(2) You should never … ever … eat three forms of fried foods in the same day. You will think it’s a great idea at the time. You will wonder why you hadn’t thought of it sooner and will try to encourage others to join you in this whole new decadent, artery-clogging world. You will laugh at the future. But don’t do it. I can’t explain what it does to your body … all through the night … and you really don’t want me to try.
(3) Leave your checkbooks at home! You should still plan to bring lots of cash for all of the crap your kids simply must buy/eat/take a chance on. But having your checkbook makes entirely too much money available to you when your brain and good judgment are clouded by excessive quantities of grease and sugar.
(4) Wait until your child is on his or her own to hand them their spending money. I like to keep the amounts small to ensure that they’ll actually check in with me (often!) throughout the weekend for more. Not everyone operates this way. And you don’t want to be caught handing your kid $5 when their buddy is being handed $50. It creates a bit of an ugly scene … and your child will not wind up displaying his or her best side.
(5) Silly string should never be sprayed into a little girl’s hair. My husband and I took shifts working on its removal process when we got home. And the bits didn’t break up small enough to go down the tub drain so then IT needed to be cleaned. And it was approaching midnight.
(6) Do not think your child really wants you to join her and her friends in the Rock Band booth. She doesn’t. You’re “embarrassing” her. Decide you don’t care and do it anyway. Sing as loud as you can. Own the experience. How many of these do you really get these days, right? Oh, and realize now that you’re most likely going to be singing “Don’t Stop Believin.” (Does that song have a G at the end or not? I’m not sure and I refuse to google something so ridiculous.)
(7) You can’t buy too much glitter for your child’s costume for the fair performance. Every kid wants a ton and you will find yourself putting it on ALL of their faces … and then your own. And then later your daughter will decide her dad needs some, too. Which he will agree to, thinking everyone will understand that it’s because of his daughter’s role in the play. But they won’t and he will just feel foolish and be trapped under a layer of glitter the whole day. After he’s sufficiently frustrated with the fact that it’s all anyone is talking to him about, call him ‘Pretty.’ Get others to do it, too.
(8) If you want to take on the hamster ball, do it early in the fair when you still meet the weight requirements. You will be fatter by the end of the weekend and thus potentially ineligible.
(9) Limit your kid to one goldfish win or you will find yourself in our predicament of last year … with SIXTEEN! We only had two bowls at home so we split them up evenly and decided to let nature take its course. After fifteen fish funerals in five days, we admitted that it was probably not the best idea for the fish or my kids. Oh, and yes, ONE made it almost a year. He died as soon as we put a second fish (that we received as a party favor!) in the bowl with him. And then the party favor fish died, too. We decided it was some kind of fish murder/suicide pact and moved on with our lives.
(10) If you’re writing a blog about your boobs … and boobs in general, expect that they will be a pretty consistent topic (or should I say topics?) of many of the conversations that you have at your kids’ fair. Which, of course, makes for an interesting weekend.
Hope your weekend was as fun-filled, fattening and completely exhausting as mine. Now … let the detoxification begin.
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Tagged "Old Dog New Tits", blog, boobs, Don't Stop Believin', fried foods, glitter, goldfish, hamster ball, Rock Band, school fair, silly string
Today’s entry is short and sweet. Why? Because it’s fair weekend at my children’s school. That means kids are overeating, parents are overdrinking and just about everyone is overspending … all weekend. All in the name of raising money for the school.
So far, I’ve worked in the fair’s beer booth (hard work … but there were perks) and a yummy NOLA restaurant booth. And, so far, I’ve ingested fried crab balls, fried cheese, fried Oreo beignets … see a trend here? Oh, yeah. And beer. I’ll definitely need to do a little detox next week.
And we also brought home a new family pet.
When the fair had only been underway for an hour, my daughter approached us with her first goldfish win. I will add that last year we took home ELEVEN! She had actually won more than ELEVEN but my enterprising kid took it upon herself to trade some of her goldfish for Cokes, food tickets and even money. Sure it was embarrassing to hear from the other kids’ parents … but, frankly, I was relieved not to have to deal with more fish (than ELEVEN!) and kind of proud of her entrepreneurial spirit.
Anyway, as we were putting our overtired, confetti-haired, glitter-cheeked, junk food-filled little girl to bed last night, we asked her what she wanted to name her fish. And, without hesitation, she answered “Steve.”
Expecting Goldie, Swimmy, Finn or one of the other tired standbys, we just about fell over laughing at our daughter’s wit. Of course, we had both had a few by then.
Wow, would you look at the time?!!? I have to run. I’m expected in the Rock Band booth shortly. If I don’t go in knowing every word to ‘Don’t Stop Believin’ and ‘Eye of the Tiger,’ I will soon.
Have a great weekend.
Introducing Steve … and his old pal, Patrick.