Tag Archives: “Old Dog New Tits”

Thanks, NFL, for enlightening my son … but I’m taking some of the credit, too.


It’s Breast Cancer Awareness Month.

Did you know that? Well, of course, you did.

Even my kids have noticed the ‘pinking’ of their worlds lately. I like that. I like that they’re so aware as children and don’t giggle at all when discussing something this important. Maybe it’s the fact that we’re all saying ‘breast’ and not ‘boob.’ (Yeah, that would likely send them both over the edge.)

My son and I recently got to spend a little one-on-one time together when he was home sick from school a few days. Strep throat. Poor kid missed playing in his football team’s playoff and championship games, which has got to really bite for him. So, what does a mom do to make it up to her boy? Well, once he was feeling well enough to leave home, we went straight for the fast food (greasy and delicious!) and then to a local sports store where, of course, I bought him a for-no-reason present. Love those kinds of days.

And, while we were in the store, my son couldn’t help but notice all of the pink jerseys, hats, gloves, cups, pens and other merchandise that touted the Breast Cancer Awareness message alongside the name of his favorite football team. (Duh, the New Orleans Saints)

I expected him to think all of the pink stuff in a Saints/Hornets/LSU store was oddly out of place. He always asks a lot of questions and I was ready to do some serious explaining. But instead, he just surprised me and said, “Look at all the pink jerseys. All the NFL teams are wearing them for Breast Cancer Month. And pink pants, gloves, socks, cleats, everything. You ought to put it on your blog, Mom.” And then he suggested that I take a few pictures.

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My blog??? My boy’s been paying attention enough to know about Breast Cancer Awareness Month and that his mom is writing a blog?? I just looked at him with my mouth open and decided to do exactly as I was instructed.

I don’t know that I’ve been giving him enough credit. His birthday is Sunday. I think I’ll go buy him an extra present.

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Would you trust a man who came to your door offering a free breast exam?


Two dumb ass Florida women did back in 2006 when Phillip Winikoff, then 76, showed up at their doors carrying a black doctor’s bag and stating that he was  there on behalf of the local hospital offering free breast examinations. And, apparently, their breasts weren’t all that he ‘examined’ … which is what finally sent up a red flag to one of these women to call the police. When the police arrived, “Doctor” Winikoff was stupidly still in the same apartment complex seeing another “patient” …. plus he was 76 … so it was a pretty easy apprehension.

Now five years later, Winikoff struck a plea deal with the prosecutors yesterday in the hopes of avoiding a trial, which could result in 55 years in jail. His original charges included three counts of sexual battery, two counts of practicing medicine without a license, two counts of simple battery and one count of using the title of doctor without a license.

Due to various circumstances, the judge on the case had to reschedule the plea hearing for a to-be-determined date. There’s no information yet about whether the plea deal will keep Winikoff out of prison.

Says me, choking on my morning beverage … “Really???”

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Let the voting begin! And then there were two …


Okay … I want you to think very carefully  … as your input will help me make my decision. Please take a moment to look back on the five consultation reports and get a feel for the doctors again.  Honestly, I was the one there … and it was my boobs being handled over and over and over again … and I STILL needed to go back and review everything just to write the cheat sheet yesterday.

Pretend like it’s YOUR boobs.  I need you to help me pick two doctors to advance to round two.   My husband will be joining me for these two appointments.  Hell, my mom might even be coming along.

What would you do? Remember … my girls are counting on you.

 

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Prepping for Round Two Voting Tomorrow


Okay, we’ve got five consultation appointments down (hard to believe!) and an incredible amount of information to digest.  But only two doctors can advance to the second round.  (Kinda feel like you’re watching America’s Got Talent?)

So, here’s where you come in.  I want you to help me pick these two doctors … so I’m providing you with a Cliff’s Notes version of ODNT to help you decide.  (Didn’t you just love Cliff’s Notes … and didn’t you hate the teachers who knew how to circumnavigate them when creating their tests?  And did you know that the original creator of these books was actually some dude from Nebraska in the 50s named Cliff?  He lifted the idea from his buddy, Cole, from Canada who had already started publishing Cole’s Notes up there. Yes, I am serious.  And no, I didn’t know that off the top of my head.  Duh, Google!)

Anyway, please take a look at your cheat sheet below … but remember … I’m the teacher now.  And what does that mean?  It means there’s a lot of shit in my five carefully scripted reports that cannot be found in these excessively condensed notes.  Shit that could sway you in any direction.  So, my recommendation …. and my request … is that you review the doctor visits and help me cull these five down to two.  (Maybe I can get an 800# for voting like American Idol.)

I’ll likely start the voting tomorrow so please get thinking for me.  Oh, and don’t forget to play the Boob ABC game (from 10/10/11).  We’re halfway there. Thanks, all!

  • Doctor #1 – Full lift and (maybe) implants later; Prefers saline; Not too big; Two procedures
  • Doctor #2 – Mini-lift and implants; Prefers silicone; Big to get your $ worth; One procedure
  • Doctor #3 – Full lift and fat injections from abdomen w/some stomach contouring; Medium-sized; One procedure
  • Doctor #4 – Mini-lift and implants; Prefers saline; Not too big – 270-330ccs; One procedure; Insurance offered on implants
  • Doctor #5 – Full  lift and implants; Prefers silicone; Not too big  – 280-300ccs; One procedure
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Shall we play a game?


Okay, who’s thinking about War Games now? I can’t hear those words without hearing a monotone, oversynthesized robotic computer voice, too. Admit it. If you’re a child of the 80s, that’s where your brain went when you read this title. Matthew Broderick, the WOPR, “The only winning move is not to play” … you know what I mean.

Anyway, I’m home with my boy today who is as sick as a dog. At the moment, we’re attempting a little nap, which is likely only to result in 15 minutes of fitful rest. The kid’s never been much of a sleeper. And the cat, who I may bake into a pie very soon, is hellbent on keeping him awake right now. For those who don’t know, Milo is a very loud and needy cat.

So, with only 15 minutes or so of potential free (writing) time today, I thought it would be fun to play a goofy little game inspired by an idea from my friend, Chris.

We’ve all heard them. From hooters to headlights, there are a million names for boobs. And, in this very special month dedicated to breast health, let’s see if we can come up with a boob word for every letter of the alphabet. Using the comment boxes below, the first person would list an A-word. Then, the next person would list a B-word. And so on. Follow?

And here are the rules:

  1. You may only submit one answer per comment.
  2. You may play more than once but the same person can’t answer for two letters in a row.
  3. Funny is fabulous. Racy is fine. But so vulgar that I will start crying and run screaming to hide under my covers ’til morning is not. Be nice!

And I’ll start us off with the first boob word. A is for … (see comments below)

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Would you believe me if I told you breast implants can SAVE your life?


While the world over debates the safety and health ramifications of breast implants, there’s one woman in Moscow who is counting her blessings for ‘adding on’ five years ago. This 40-year-old woman was recently stabbed in the chest by her husband in the midst of an obviously heated argument. He was aiming for her heart … but what he hit was her boob.  And the knife became lodged in one of her silicone breast implants, the apparently enormous gifts she received from the very same man years earlier.

The woman was, of course, rushed immediately to the hospital and is now doing just fine.  She’s already replaced the implant and left her homicidal husband.

As I see it, she’s now fixed one big leaky boob and dumped an even bigger, more stabby one.

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The Fifth Consultation – and in Breast Cancer Awareness Month!


My fifth (and potentially last first round) appointment was Thursday morning. My friend, Melissa, had recommended the doctor and came along for the ride. And I want to point out immediately that this place as well as this experience was different from the others.

What better month to bring up this topic.

My friend, Melissa, has been battling breast cancer now for the last few years. And she’s been beating the hell out of it I might add. You know how when you’re watching some Sex and the City, Desperate Housewivesy-type show and one of the characters has cancer, but they manage to deal with it with levity and an amazing sense of calm and grace, you think to yourself ‘This woman does not exist. If it were me, I would not be able to face people every day and talk about it, let alone joke about it.’

Well, I’m here to tell you that this woman does exist and her name is Melissa.

I won’t delve too much into her personal story but, suffice it to say, she was given the sobering news twice. For the first occurrence three years ago, she opted to have a lumpectomy. After this procedure, she (like all patients) was carefully monitored for any signs of recurrence. Which is how they caught the second occurrence about a year and a half later. This time, she (like many women) opted for a much more aggressive treatment. This time, she would take on a double mastectomy so that she could live worry-free of this disease. For good.

So, the two of us spent the afternoon at the very specialized facility where she had her procedures done. And, as I mentioned above, it was a very different experience from my prior appointments. Rather than a small, private waiting room filled with others seeking cosmetic improvements of various natures, this office (really a small hospital) had a large, beautiful waiting area … a two-story, glass-ceilinged atrium that actually looked and felt more like a spa than a clinical space. There were no TVs or other distractions but rather just a setting to promote peace and comfort to all who entered. The center even offered a little refreshment area for its visitors. And on the table in front of me … where there were typically albums of before and after work … was a similar pink scrapbooking album filled not with breast photos but rather with heartwarming letters, family pictures and other amazing testimonials from women whose lives had been changed as a result of the services and treatment they received from the medical staff here.

Honestly, it was very humbling.

We were taken to a private examination room almost immediately, which is where I actually completed all of my paperwork. Melissa and I caught up a little bit while we waited and she confessed that she wore a boob-showcasing outfit to this appointment … in my honor, of course. (Coincidentally, this is the second time this week that a woman has selected her wardrobe based on its boob presentation for me. Is that weird?)

And, after waiting a little while, the doctor came in. Friendly right from the start. He gets points for that. Feeling a bit small for seeking cosmetic augmentation in a place that is largely medically restorative in nature, I nervously explained right off the bat that I was not here necessarily but more recreationally. He liked my use of the word ‘recreationally’ and said he’d be using it in the future. We talked just a few minutes about what I was looking for (you know the drill by now … nothing too big as I am a small person) and he seemed pretty in tune to everything I had to say.

He said that the biggest mistake women make is going too big or too wide.

He added that women should look to correct and improve the shape of their breasts and not just be worried about their volume. He actually said smaller breasts are “more elegant,” which I’m pretty sure makes me Audrey Hepburn. And finally, he emphasized that an implant should be used to enhance your natural breast, not become it.

In discussing my options, he said that he encourages his patients to get everything that they want done in one procedure. When I asked about the full lift and implants being done together, he said it was no problem. Remember Doctors 1, 3 and 4 all stating it should not be done? And they offered two different reasons.

  • Doctor 1 & Doctor 4 said it shouldn’t be done because the anchor incision involved in a full lift would be under too much pressure to heal if there was an implant stuffed beneath the skin. Doctor 5 said that the anchor incision he makes involves only a very superficial layer of skin and therefore healing and thus scarring is not an issue.
  • Doctor 3 said it shouldn’t be done because of complications that can occur with the patient’s blood flow and there is a possibility of losing the nipple. Doctor 5 said that blood flow concerns are only present in repeat implant patients and assured me that, while the risk is never zero with anything, I would not be a candidate for these types of problems.
  • Doctor 2 (in case anyone was wondering) was also pro-2-procedures-in-1-surgery but his only argument was that any accomplished surgeon can achieve the desired results with no problems.

The doctor also assured me that, if anything, he was a bit of a germophobe and he had never had any complications arise as a result of infection. He said he uses something called an implant funnel to insert the implant. He literally likened it to a pastry tube … only instead of sweet buttercreamy goodness, mine would be filled with silicone. Delicious.

When I asked about the texturized implant shells (that we learned about from Doctor 4), he said he feels they do nothing to prevent the possibility of scar tissue and hardening. Additionally, he said the texturized shells don’t slide down into place and settle as well after surgery.

When I asked about implant placement, he said he determines whether the implant should be placed above or below the muscle based on two things:

  1. The patient’s activity level – Triathletes, for example, are encouraged to seek over the muscle placement … as putting the implant beneath the pectoral muscle could become too physically restrictive for them.
  2. The patient’s quantity of tissue – Patients with a limited amount of breast tissue available are encouraged to seek under the muscle placement … as there often simply isn’t enough skin present to stretch and support the addition in the front.

And, incidentally, he added that under the muscle placement typically results in a more natural curvature and slope from the chest wall into the breast thus creating a more natural look overall.

When I asked about the silicone versus saline decision, he said much prefers … are you ready for this? … silicone. (The exact opposite of Doctor 4, remember?) He said he uses it almost exclusively in his practice explaining that silicone is lighter in weight than saline which is more comfortable for the patient. He added that silicone also doesn’t have the same problems with breast hardening or even possible visibility as the patient ages and her skin thins. That said, he highly recommends a new innovation in the implant world called cohesive silicone for various reasons:

  1. Unlike the silicone of old, cohesive silicone adheres only to itself, keeping it together where it should be on the chest wall rather than leaching into other areas of the body.
  2. The recommended MRI every 2 years for these implants has been lifted by the FDA.
  3. The same 3.5 centimeter incision made for the lift can be used to insert the silicone implant, thus any argument to opt for saline over silicone due to less cutting would be null and void.
  4. He’s seen many first generation silicone implants (from the 70s and 80s) come out … practically empty of their contents … with no harm done to the patient.

When I asked about the fat injection method rather than implants, he seemed to steer me away from that direction altogether. He explained that he felt the technique was best used in cancer patients who are seeking to match one post-surgical breast to another healthy one. Melissa and I were both pretty surprised. We expected this technique to be one he lingered on for a while. It was, after all, the method Melissa had chosen … though she did explain to me that, because she had undergone radiation during the course of her first treatment, she was not a candidate for implants. Her breast tissue would likely have rejected them.

When I asked about the effects that implants have on mammography, he said that so many women have implants these days that there are now named techniques for performing the test proficiently on these specialized patients. He also added that any mammogram, implants or not, can miss anomalies in the breast tissue. Apparently, nothing is foolproof. (Sigh.)

Then, he took lots of measurements of just about everything I’ve got above the waist. Which ain’t much. And he seemed very focused on the fact that I have a very narrow base width which basically means I have a narrow chest. 32 to be exact, A/B. (Lord, did I just put my bra size on the internet?) The doctor said that, for me personally, he would recommend somewhere between 280 and 300ccs of “assistance.” Which is just about exactly what Doctor 4 said. (Yay! Consistency!) He also said that he would recommend something between a full lift and a mini-lift. Rather than an anchor incision, I would need something more L-shaped, coming down from the center of the breast and turning outward on both sides. Best of both worlds, I suppose.

Oh, and they took pictures. Lots of ‘em. I was escorted to a special room, a studio if you will, with very high-tech cameras, computers, lighting, etc. There was even a little heater in the area where I was photographed so I wouldn’t get too chilly, being disrobed and all. I kind of felt like a supermodel. A naked supermodel. Which I guess would sort of make me something else, wouldn’t it?

A word of advice to all women out there who may pursue this avenue – Do not wear any identifiable jewelry, clothing or hairstyle in your headless photos. And God help you if you have a tattoo. Trust me. Your pictures WILL be recognizable. I’ve already identified an acquaintance in one of these photos with complete certainty.

With my photo session behind me, I returned to my exam room to find Melissa waiting for me. And while I dressed, she undressed and showed me the handiwork of her operations. And, I must say … Melissa, you are beautiful. Your boobs are far superior to anything I could hope for. Your doctors did an outstanding job and you deserve every ounce of it. Unbelievable. Boobs made from scratch … using only parts of your body. I am speechless.

We left the exam room and walked back out into the posh waiting area again … with me having learned (and I think grown) a lot from my visit … but not before stopping to snap an all-important picture. It’s one of the many t-shirts they sell in the lobby.

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Breast cancer patients are incredible, awe-inspiring. I bow at the feet of these women.

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Verbal creativity can be hazardous to your children


I overheard this conversation between my kids in the car this morning on the short drive to school.

Daughter: What IS that?

Son: It’s the picture I drew to go with my reading paper.

Daughter: What is it?

Son: It’s a sponkey.  We had to make up an animal.  Mine’s a mixture of a spider and a monkey.

Daughter: Oh.  (Then, abruptly distracted and slightly in peril) Mommy, there’s a weird yellow worm in the car!  Gross. Is it poisonous?   Like a spider??  Maybe it’s a mix of a spider and a worm.  Maybe it’s a …

You can see where I’m going with this, right?

Sensing what was coming, I felt my movements and voice change to slow motion as I attempted to turn around from my position in the front seat so that I could articulately and purposefully shout out … “WIDER! Worm and spider. It’s a WIIIII—DERRRRR!” 

But I was too late.

Daughter: (thankfully clueless but still totally amused) It’s a sperm!  A little sperm! There’s a sperm in Daddy’s car.  Hi, little spermy.

God, I hope she forgot about it before she walked into the classroom this morning.

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Introducing the family freak


Today was consultation appointment number five. FIVE!!!

A moment of silence please for my overhandled boobs.

Some things about the experience were the same and others were different. And, as always, I have a lot to digest … and then regurgitate to you. (Yeah, that sounded way better in my head.)

So until I’m ready … and until my appointment buddy, Melissa, signs off on everything … I will leave you with this picture.

“Introducing Milo, the amazing … spineless … contortionist cat.”

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I don’t even want to know what he was doing when I walked in on him.

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Movie Review – 50/50


I just saw 50/50.  I don’t think I’ve seen a cancer-meets-youth movie since 1991’s Dying Young (Campbell Scott, Julia Roberts).  This one’s a little different as it’s based largely on truth.  The movie centers on a character named Adam Schwartz who, at age 27, learns he has a rare and serious form of cancer.  Schwartz (not coincidentally) represents the screenplay’s author, Will Reiser.  As is often the case with these films, Reiser even plays a small role in the movie as a character named Greg (who I, unfortunately, have no memory of now that I’m home again and IMDB-ing the movie).

Oh, and don’t worry here.  I will NOT give away the storyline. Uncool.

One of the first things I noticed about the movie was the unconventional motley crew of actors involved in it. (I don’t know. Maybe it’s just me.)

– Joseph Gordon-Levitt (Adam) – I knew I recognized him.  He’s the kid from 3rd Rock from the Sun, all grown up. Nicely acted.  And he bears a striking resemblance to Reiser.

– Seth Rogen (Kyle) – He’s actually playing himself … and not.  He’s a real-life friend of Reiser’s and was his support system throughout the cancer battle.  I guess they figured that ‘Seth Rogen’ as a character would be too distracting so they just made him Adam’s radio work buddy.  Of course, he essentially plays himself anyway … bringing profanity to life in an oddly acceptable, your-grandmother-could-be-in-the-room kind of way.  He really often plays the same character which I don’t always enjoy but I did in this one.  Everyone has a Seth Rogen-type in their lives.  And sometimes we really need him.

– Anna Kendrick (Katherine) – She’s the cute little actress who plays Jessica, Bella’s only non-bloodsucking friend in the Twilight films. If you’re higher brow than me, you’ve likely seen her in Scott Pilgrim vs. the World or Up in the Air.

– Bryce Dallas Howard (Rachael) – Opie’s kid (though I’m really more from the Richie Cunningham generation).  Didn’t I just see her play the same selfish, unlikeable bitch in The Help?  She’s an attractive young woman with amazing eyes, a killer pedigree and some pretty decent acting chops.  Seriously, her agent needs to get on that right away before she’s totally typecast as the contemptible villainess.

– Anjelica Huston (Diane, Adam’s mom) – I don’t really need to elaborate here, do I?

– Matt Frewer (Mitch) – Max Headroom.  Anyone? Yeah, I know.  My nerd is showing.

– Philip Baker Hall (Alan) – I’m sorry but he’ll always be the surly library cop from Seinfeld to me.  (That show will remain a frame of reference for me for a very long time.)  And I also see that he guest starred in an episode of 3rd Rock from the Sun. Well, now it’s making a little more sense.

The movie definitely held my attention.  Which is why I found myself very pissed off at the Coca-Cola Company and, even more so, at the minimum wage-earning teenager who talked me into a larger Diet Coke than I had any business buying.  Twice … and that was with major restraint … I had to bolt (and I mean literally run the length of the place) to the bathroom and then bug my friend upon returning about what I missed while I was out.  Not a plot from which you want to step away, you know?

There were some pretty funny parts involving pot smoking and manscaping as well as some more sobering ones that I won’t divulge here.   The movie prompted me to think about a few things from other perspectives and, I will confess, that I had a little emotional moment or two as the story unfolded.

And, as always, I ran a little late getting there to meet my friend today.  I had a bit of a crap-lodged-in-eye emergency.  As a result, I skipped the mascara which … as it turns out … was probably a good thing.

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