OldDogNewTits

TWELVE Of My Favorite Elvis Songs

Posted on June 13, 2014 | 5 comments

Remember how Viv and I are doing a play? Called All Shook Up? And it’s all set to Elvis music. Yeah? Well, guess what today’s list is going to be about?

1. All Shook Up. Because it was used to title the amazing activity in which my daughter and I are immersed right now.

2. Hound Dog. Because it was the first Elvis song I ever heard. When I heard it performed, it was actually being sung by a girl doing an impersonation in a talent show. I was completely floored.

3. Blue Suede Shoes. Because it’s my daughter’s favorite dance number in the play. Her smile illuminates the whole stage for me. (Bonus: We both now own a pair.)

4. Are You Lonesome Tonight? Because I’ve always liked it and (fine, I’ll admit it) I also like the version sung by Dwayne Johnson in a kids’ movie called Game Plan.

5. Blue Christmas. Because it’s always been one of my quintessential Christmas songs.

6. Come on Everybody. Because of, duh, Ann-Margret and this video.

7. Don’t be Cruel. Because of the first five repeating notes on the guitar. Love it.

8. Can’t Help Falling in Love With You. Because it was the first song we danced to as husband and wife at my wedding. And the band totally played it by accident.

9. Jailhouse Rock. Because of this video. Classic Young Elvis.

10. Burning Love. Because it closes out the play with a bang every night.

11. Suspicious Minds. Because it’s always just been a very Vegas-y song to me. And because Uncle Jesse did a pretty great tribute to it on a show whose name I refuse to mention.

12. Viva Las Vegas. Because of the opening riff. It’s just a great song.

Editor’s Note: Yes. I love Elvis. He’s an icon. But … in the age-old Beatles vs. Elvis dispute, my heart will always be with the Fab Four. God Save the Queen.

June is Blog Post by Numbers Month. Wanna play with Mel and me? Just write a “listy-type” post with a number in the title (ex. FOUR Reasons I Love Mayonnaise, SIX Things You Can Do With A Paper Clip). Then link back to us and tweet us about it so we can include you on June 30th in our final list: (Number-Yet-To-Be-Determined) Great Bloggers Who Played the Blog Post by Numbers Game!

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TEN Reasons I … No, I’m NOT Making Another List!

Posted on June 12, 2014 | Leave a comment

So it’s almost the halfway mark in this ~~cotton-picking~~ … ~~God-forsaken~~ … string-of expletives-you-STILL-can’t-say-on-TV Blog Posts by Number Game I’ve created for myself. You remember, right? It’s the game where I’m supposed to make a list of something for every freakin’ day of this month. And I would LOVE to take a day off from this foolishness. I am NOT doing it again today.

Why???

Seriously? You want to know?

Fine. I’ll tell you.

Because I’m tired.
Because I’m in a play that opens today and we’ve practiced daily for weeks.
Because sometimes when I write a list it’s 3am and I should be asleep.
Because I wrote one yesterday and yesterday was my birthday.
Because I’m whiny.
Because I have a life … I think.
Because I’m now not so sure I have a life and I need to ponder this issue.
Because it’s hard to keep coming up with ideas.
Because it’s hard to keep coming up with GOOD ideas.
BECAUSE YESTERDAY WAS MY BIRTHDAY!

Wait … Did I accidentally just make another list? Damn it.

FIVE Things You Need to be a Church Lady

Posted on June 10, 2014 | 6 comments

My daughter and I are doing a play together again this summer. (Anyone remember last year?) This year’s production is a tribute to the music of Elvis Presley entitled All Shook Up which is set in a conservative, small town in Somewheresville, USA in the 1950s. All of my costumes need to reflect that setting. So I hit the streets (streets = thrift stores) recently with a few fellow cast members to try getting some of these ensembles together. Want to hear about the craziest costume I’ll be wearing?

Well, of course you do.

I’ll even teach you how to mimic the look for yourself at home. Because you know you want to.

1. A dress or skirt set.

Preferably fire-retardant, non-breathable polyester in a pattern previously only reserved for sofas and curtains.

2. Sensible shoes.

They can’t have any style to them whatsoever. And they can’t be something that would aggravate your bunions, corns or hammertoes.

3. A purse, clutched tightly.

To keep things like used tissues, bibles and vials of holy water handy. For when you need to sneeze. Or condemn someone to Hell.

4. A scarf or hat.

Because no proper lady leaves home with her head uncovered.

5. A cane or a walker.

They can double as weapons when necessary. (It’s often necessary.)

Hmmmm. I probably need to start working on my old lady posture. And mannerisms. Oooh, and maybe I’ll get my teeth pulled. Seriously, THAT’S commitment to the character.

Brando Schmando.

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Tagged blog posts by numbers game, church lady costume, dana carvey, how to look like an old lady

THREE Posts Written About Johnny Depp

Posted on June 9, 2014 | 3 comments

Happy Birthday, Johnny. You’re 51 today. Which boggles the mind and raises so many questions for me personally. Do I really have a crush on a 51-year-old man? Is 51, like, the new 27? Or does all of this nonsense really just indicate the fact that I’m the one getting old?

(eyes closed, fingers in ears) LALALALALALA! Nope! Never mind. Don’t answer that!

So, in honor of his special day, we’re taking a look back at the many … many … MANY blog posts I’ve written about Mr. Depp.

1. A Thank You Note From Johnny Depp

2. Ten Things That Are Now 50 Years Old

3. Guess Who’s Coming to Dinner? (Hint: Johnny Depp)

(spit-taking my water because I don’t care much for coffee) Three??? I’VE ONLY WRITTEN THREE?!!? (noticeably disappointed in self) And I call myself a fan. Apparently, I really need to up my stalker game. (shaking head at self in disgust) Well, in my defense, I said I was listing the posts I wrote ABOUT Johnny. Had I been listing the posts I’ve written that simply MENTIONED him, our number would be a much more impressive … eighteen. (hold for applause)

There. That should satisfy them enough to let me keep my limited edition fan club lapel pin. (exhale of relief)

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Tagged blog posts by number game, happy birthday johnny depp, johnny depp is 51, numbers in the title of a blog post, posts about johnny depp

10 Funny Things My Mom Had to Say About My Last Post

Posted on June 8, 2014 | 3 comments

As I was flipping through emails during play rehearsal this afternoon, I found one from my mom. It was titled “My lists.” I assumed it had something to do with our laundry list of errands to take care of this summer. I was wrong.

She had just read my latest blog post and thought it was time she wrote one of her own. Color me surprised … and happy … and so freakin’ relieved that I actually might not have to write one tomorrow. “Awesome! Can I use on ODNT? I’ll feature it tomorrow if you say yes. P.S. Please say yes.” said me. “If you really like it, and think it’s good – then yes,” said she.

And with that, a guest post was born. From my mom (AKA Gigi). Thanks, Mom.

Five Reasons Why This Grandmother Should NOT Attend Her Granddaughter’s Recital:

1. The bathroom isn’t located at the end of the aisle.

2. At least 34 of the 40 or so numbers do NOT feature my granddaughter.

3. I always wind up sitting behind dutiful dads with heads like windshield wipers.

4. My ears have not yet learned to appreciate or even tolerate rap or hip hop music.

5. I know I’ll be sorry the next day because I munched on junk food contraband in my purse for 4 1/2 hours.

Five Reasons Why This Grandmother SHOULD Attend Her Granddaughter’s Dance Recital:

1. Vivien was beautiful, happy, and talented.

2. I got to sit next to my grandson the entire time.

3. Several of the ballet, musical theatre, and tap numbers were very enjoyable – especially the baby classes.

4. I used the non-Vivien time to delete many old texts and emails from my phone and to check Facebook.

5. I got to eat junk food for 4 1/2 hours.

The subject of this post (left), the author of this post (right) and some sleepy fool in the middle. Circa, um, a few years ago.

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Tagged blog posts by number, dance recitals, grandmother at her granddaughter's dance recital, guest post by my mom

SIX Dance Recital Costume Changes

Posted on June 7, 2014 | 6 comments

Quick! What do you do when you have a work assignment, volleyball camp, play practice and a four-hour dance recital for which you must actually be there helping for eight hours … and you’ve promised yourself that you’d follow through on this ~~dangblasted~~ … ~~WAY stronger word than dangblasted~~ … fun and creative daily Blog Posts by Numbers thing?

Duh. You find your post from the activities in which you’re already immersed.

And, with that, I give you, Vivien’s SIX Dance Recital Costume Changes. (I think she’s ready to host the Oscars.)

1. Jazz

2. Song

3. Tap

4. Musical Theater

5. Ballet

6. Finale

I’m so proud of that kid. She performed beautifully last night. Oh, and I want to send a special shout out to Miss Jaune, Viv’s adorably talented dance teacher and a supporter of ODNT. Congratulations on another great show.

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FIVE Things I Hate About Summer

Posted on June 5, 2014 | 5 comments

After yesterday’s post, you guys had to see this coming, right? 1. Humidity.

Also known as frizzy hair, pit stains and a massive increase in laundry.

2. Mosquitos.

Because my choices are West Nile or some kind of cancer we discover in the future caused by the “harmless” repellents we’re all using now.

3. No new TV.

Actually, since it’s 2014, there are probably lots of shows on different networks that are, in fact, still airing new programming. But, since the only shows I watch these days are Modern Family and Grey’s Anatomy, I’m screwed until the fall.

4. Smaller clothing.

Also known as bathing suits. Damn it. Bathing suits. Seriously, world?

5. Increase in Mom guilt.

Because when I do anything like try to get some work done, write this blog post or, you know, take a shower, I feel guilty that I’m ignoring my kids who are now home 24/7. And hitting me with “I’m bored!” just a few too many dozen times each day.

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Tagged blog posts by numbers game, i hate humidity, mom guilt, things I hate about summer

FIVE Things I Love About Summer

Posted on June 4, 2014 | 6 comments

1. No schedules. And what I really mean by that is no early mornings. Except this morning. When we had to wake up at 7am. For volleyball camp. Seriously, what the hell is the matter with me?

2. No homework. Because, let’s face it, the kids passed me mathematically two years ago. And the school year represents ten months of daily humiliation with the kids looking at me with pity in their eyes, resisting the urge to pat me on the head and say, “Poor Mama. Poor … stupid … Mama.”

3. Vacations. Sure, they make me a little anxious, but I love seeing new places … or favorite places … or just different places … with my family. Plus I like the break from the daily grind of laundry, bill paying, cat box changing, etc.

4. Late bedtimes. Where I can do something crazy like put a movie on with the kids at 10pm. (Ahem) And sometimes the running time is longer than two hours!

5. Getting together with friends. During the school year, I usually see my friends for things like PTA meetings and other school functions. But during the summer, it’s just for fun. We pick the hours, the place and, most importantly, the menu!

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Tagged blog posts by numbers game, i love that there are no schedules in summer, i love that there's no homework in summer, thing I love about summer

OldDogNewTits

TWELVE Of My Favorite Elvis Songs

TEN Reasons I … No, I’m NOT Making Another List!

FIVE Things You Need to be a Church Lady