The Baby Food Diet – Day Two


For a quick explanation of my shenanigans, click here.

Want to hear about yesterday? Day One


Today’s Weight – 121.2

I am somewhere between 5’3″ and 5’4.” I am not a crazy person. Well, mostly not a crazy person. I would love to be 115 pounds for Christmas. Do I expect to reach that goal during this five-day experiment? Probably not. I’m weak and it’s only five days. Still, I figured any weight I could shave off BEFORE the onslaught of holiday gluttony is a good thing, right? Of course right.


So I made it through the first day. That’s got to be the hardest part, yes? And now that I’m seeing how fast an adult can burn through jars of baby food, I decided to make another quick grocery run … in search of variety … which ironically has oft been called the spice of life. And that’s the only spice I’ll be getting for a few more days.

Four stores later, here are a few of my “finds.”

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It seemed like SUCH a good idea and yet it’s our winner so far for “Tastes Most Like Puke.” Seriously, there’s a contest. And this one is our front runner. I really wish I hadn’t bought three freakin’ jars.

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OMG … Cheetos!

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And cookies? Okay … “Let’s do this thing!!!”

P.S. I’m picturing Linguini from Ratatouille as I type that last line. Probably because his name is a food. Plus, I may or may not be starting to hallucinate.

Still need proof of my commitment? I went to the movies tonight and it didn’t break my stride. Although, I’m sure I looked like a complete meathead in action. Mmmmm …  MEAThead.

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And Milo is still WAY too into all of this food for my comfort level.

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Today’s intake, as logged into the ‘My Fitness Pal’ app on my phone:

  • 6:55am – Gerber Bananas (6oz., 140 calories)
  • 11:40am – Gerber Graduates Lil Crunchies Mild Cheddar (18 pieces, 35 calories)
  • 12:15pm – Gerber Graduates Maple Waffle Wheels (3 pieces, 25 calories)
  • 12:17pm – Gerber Macaroni & Cheese (4 oz., 80 calories)
  • 12:25pm – Diet Coke (at my boy’s basketball game)
  • 1:30pm – Earth’s Best Harvest Squash Turkey (4oz,. 60 calories)
  • 1:41pm – Earth’s Best Peach Oatmeal Banana (4oz., 70 calories)
  • 1:53pm – Ella’s Kitchen Milk & Vanilla Baby Cookies (1 cookie, 35 calories)
  • 3:40pm – banana (90 calories – You guys all said it was okay. Except my pal, El Guapo. Mean!)
  • 3:42pm – Gerber Graduates Lil Crunchies Mild Cheddar (18 pieces, 35 calories)
  • 4:00pm – Lemon Blueberry Tea with Splenda
  • 5:03pm – Gerber Spaghetti & Tomato Sauce with Beef (6 oz., 180 calories)
  • 5:50pm – Diet Coke (Yes, it’s number TWO for the day. I was at the movies!)
  • 5:55pm – Earth’s Best Apple Cinnamon Oatmeal (6 oz., 110 calories)
  • 8:48pm – Gerber Graduates Banana Cream Waffle Wheels (3 pieces, 25 calories)
  • 8:52pm – Earth’s Best Chicken & Brown Rice (4 oz., 80 calories)
  • 9:02pm – Gerber Vanilla Custard Pudding with Bananas (3.5 oz., 110 calories)
  • 10:45pm – banana (90 calories)
  • 11:00pm – Gerber Graduates Lil Crunchies Mild Cheddar (18 pieces, 35 calories)
Total calories for the day – 1196

Things We’ve Learned and/or Questioned Along the Way
  • My friend called to offer support but chastise me a little because she didn’t see water listed yesterday. My bad. I did drink water. Lots of it. And took my daily vitamins. If anything, I’m watching my food group distribution more than usual. Not to worry.
  • I have established a rule on what makes a food “approved” for this diet. It needs to be able to be fed to a child less than 12 months old. The purpose of the diet is that everything be easily digestible. Hence the rule.
  • There is a reason babies cry all the time (they’re PISSED) and don’t sleep through the night (they’re STARVING). Only their fruity desserts are tolerable straight from the jar. … That’s right. I got your back, Babies!
  • Lemon blueberry herbal tea with Splenda is not even CLOSE to a lemon blueberry muffin. Stupid tea company.
  • Chewing rocks.

Oh, and one more thing. I’m having lots of fun playing with you guys on Twitter. Please keep looking for me as I descend slowly into madness. I spared no expense. We even have our own hashtag … #ODNTBabyFoodDiet. Here’s my favorite exchange of the day. (Thanks, Hotspur.)

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The Baby Food Diet – Day One


For a quick explanation of my shenanigans, click here.

Today’s Weight – 122.4

I am somewhere between 5’3″ and 5’4.” I am not a crazy person. Well, mostly not a crazy person. I would love to be 115 pounds for Christmas. Do I expect to reach that goal during this five-day experiment? Probably not. I’m weak and it’s only five days. Still, I figured any weight I could shave off BEFORE the onslaught of holiday gluttony is a good thing, right? Of course right.


First things first, Vanessa (my dieting partner in crime and Ethel to my Lucy) and I needed to make a grocery run. I haven’t had baby food in the house in years. And, if there’s one thing I can attest to so far with this diet, it’s that it will make you laugh. Your ass off. Ever since we hatched this scheme over lunch yesterday, we’ve laughed so hard in the planning and research process that we can barely breathe. Like when we found this comment among the long list on DietsInReview.com

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Says Vanessa: “Michele! Oh, my God! We are starving the babies!”

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Fine. Maybe she had a point. But Earth’s Best Apple Cinnamon Oatmeal looked like one of the best ones. You snooze, you lose, babies.

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We both drew the line at this gelatinous silly putty. I don’t even remember my kids liking it back in the day. Although I do recall our old cat, Toby, giving it a big thumbs up. Honestly, Vanessa and I were floored at how much we had to buy to cover our daily intake. Here’s what I brought home so far for (what I think will cover) three of the five days.

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Still don’t think I’m for real? Here’s how the initial taste test went down.

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For the record, Milo is totally into it. He digs the sound of the jar opening and the smell. Coincidence?

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I’m logging everything into the ‘My Fitness Pal’ app on my phone. Here’s how the day went:

  • 9:22am – Gerber Bananas (6 oz., 140 calories)
  • 10:00am – Circuit Training (25 minutes)
  • 11:53am – Earth’s Best Organic Spaghetti and Cheese (6 oz., 90 calories)
  • 12:00pm – Earth’s Best Organic Corn & Butternut Squash (4 oz., 70 calories)
  • 12:15pm – Gerber Maple Waffle Wheels (3 pieces, 25 calories)
  • 1:45pm – Gerber Vanilla Custard Pudding Bananas (3.5 oz., 110 calories)
  • 2:30pm – Gerber Banana Cream Waffle Wheels (3 pieces, 25 calories)
  • 3:20pm – Gerber Apples & Bananas with Mixed Cereal (6 oz., 110 calories)
  • 4:00pm – Diet Coke (With the kids at the local frogurt shop. To stave off a headache. And possibly a murder.)
  • 5:00pm – Gerber Maple Waffle Wheels (3 pieces, 25 calories)
  • 6:15pm – Gerber Spaghetti in Tomato Sauce with Beef (6 oz., 180 calories)
  • 6:17pm – Beech Nut Butternut Squash (4 oz., 45 calories)
  • 6:19pm – Beech Nut Apples & Bananas (4 oz., 50 calories)
  • 7:17pm – Gerber Banana Cream Waffle Wheels (3 pieces, 25 calories)
  • 10:09pm – Gerber Banana Cream Waffle Wheels (3 pieces, 25 calories)
  • 10:12pm – Earth’s Best Plum, Banana & Brown Rice (4 oz., 80 calories)
Total calories for the day – 1000 (Tomorrow I’ll aim for more. Today was totally whack.)

Things We’ve Learned and/or Questioned Along the Way
  • Heating all “meats” and vegetables goes a long way toward improving the taste.
  • The same goes for herbs and spices. (But no sugar or salt!)
  • Diet Coke is okay. After all, I’ve seen parents put soda in baby bottles. (Well, no. I didn’t say good parents.)
  • We take chewing and teeth for granted. (Gerber Graduate Waffle Wheels can get you through this need.)
  • If babies follow this diet so strictly, why are they so soft and chubby? Is it a working out issue?
  • Salt is a delicious food that we should create a holiday to celebrate.

Oh, and I have a question. I made ALL of my baby food for Dean, my first child, and (cough) one batch for Viv, my second. That said, the banana baby food I made for Dean was simply one mushed-up banana in a bowl. Using that logic, is there any reason I can’t eat a banana on this diet? Please lock in your vote … now. I’m hungry.

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“There are no bad ideas, Lemon. Only great ones that go horribly wrong.” – Jack Donaghy


Hmmmm, how do I begin? So I had this idea today. I guess it’s really more of a scheme. A well-hatched plan you might call it. Is it harebrained? Cacamamie? Or half-baked? Um …. NO!!! And, frankly, I’m offended you’d ask. (rolling eyes and throwing hands in air) Oh, whatever. It might sound a little crazy. And YOU are getting a front row seat.

Ever heard of the baby food diet? Feel free to Google it but it’s pretty much exactly what it sounds like. There are several different versions of it but the basic plan suggests 14 jars of baby food per day which works out to somewhere between 1000-1200 calories, depending on your choices. As with any fad diet, it has its pros and cons.

What? Am I doing it? That would be crazy. Completely insane. So, yes. Of COURSE, I’m doing it. But just for five days. Starting tomorrow. With my friend, Vanessa. And anyone else crazy enough to join us. I see it not only as an interesting experiment (Morgan Spurlock is one of my personal heroes) but also a jump-start to a little holiday weight loss. Considering all the eating I’ll be doing soon enough, I figured I could stand a little boost.

Vanessa: Do we have to exercise?

Me: Babies don’t have to exercise.

Vanessa: I could push you in the stroller then you could push me.

Me: What if I just carried you around in a Bjorn for a while?

Vanessa: Ooh! We need bouncy seats!

So anyway, if you want to come along for the potentially disgusting ride, stay tuned. I’ll keep you guys posted on my intake, progress and any other entertaining discoveries we find along the way.

It’s only for five days, right? (Somebody say right. Say it. Now!)

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The Three Amigos, Oversized Cheese Platters and Other Foolishness


Today’s Video:

Once upon a time, there was a girl with a dream. A dream to write without boundaries, to write without deadlines and (dramatic pause) to write without fear. Could such a place exist? Possibly. Would she look like an ass? Probably. And, most importantly, would anyone (besides her mom) ever even listen? She would, after all, never be speaking of politics, religion, history or anything traditionally considered “important” in this world. Instead, there would be cats-who-sit-like-humans, cow nipple cream, hamsters-covered-in-pizza-sauce and, of course, Alec Baldwin. So, she wrote her first post, gathered up all of her courage and pressed “Publish.”

Then everything went quiet. She sat alone, waiting and hoping. And from the darkness, she saw one tiny light flickering in the distance.

“Hello? Is anyone home?” said the unfamiliar but friendly voice at the door. Awakened from her stupor, the woman shoved the family-sized cheese tray she was eating alone into the dishwasher and threw an old blanket over the sofa that was covered in orange cat hair. “Welcome, welcome!” she cried, thrilled to pieces to have just one listener. She vowed always to revere this special guest as though he were royalty. He was, after all, her very first follower.

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Need proof? Here’s a screen capture of her first five followers in reverse chronological order.

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How did she repay his blind loyalty? By corrupting his name, an innocent homage to a classic 80s film, and creating many humiliating variants over the course of the past year. Among her favorites were The Great Guaptini, Guap ‘Til You Drop, Guaperella, Count Guapula, Guap ‘n’ Roll High School, Guapzie Guaperelli and, of course, Guap Tarts. And so, in this beloved tradition of name-sullying, she wants to celebrate her first reader’s birthday with a special vote created in his honor. Why? Because El Guapo needs a Christmas moniker and it wouldn’t be a Guap-inspired post without a good poll. That’s where you come in.

Happy Birthday, El Guapo … Jolly Old St. Guapolas … or whatever we wind up naming you this holiday season. 

Thanks for taking “the road less traveled by” when I was just starting out.

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Click here to see (read) everyone who brought a dish  (duh, wrote a post) to the party given in honor of O Guapo, My Guapo.

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His Stand Against Brussels (for Trifecta)


The Trifecta writing prompt for the weekend was pretty straightforward. Write exactly 33 words about rebellion and/or revolt.  Interpret it as you will.
I found an old picture and I just had to act on it. Thanks for the inspiration, my boy.

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His Stand Against Brussels

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Once upon a time, there was a little boy. He was an excellent eater. Until the day his mother tried Brussels sprouts. “NOOO!” he slammed his tiny fist. “I NOT eat that, Mommy.”

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What A Difference A Year Can Make (Plus A Goofy Self-Portrait)


I’ve been thinking about something a lot lately. And I’ve been wanting to write about it but have no idea how to do it. I don’t even know where to start. When I look back at my blog entries from this time last year, they are much more numerous than I remember. Listing all the links in this post seems not only exhausting but also very redundant. (If you’re interested in reading them, they can be located by using the ‘Archived Dumbassery’ tool in the sidebar.)

Today marks a very important anniversary for me. As I lie in bed typing, I will confess that I’ve been secretly preoccupied for the last week or two. And it’s all coming to a head for me now. Here’s the short story.

On December 1, 2011, I had surgery to remove a tumor my doctor found on my lung during a very routine medical exam. Needless to say, I was floored by the whole experience. But I guess I didn’t realize just how much until I re-read the 17 posts I wrote leading up to my surgery and then the 15 that came after (19 if you count the guest posts). The whole thing seems so surreal to me now. I remember the story as though it were someone else’s.

On this same day last year, of the more than five hundred mothers at my children’s school, three were sick and receiving substantial support from our amazing community. Since that time, the first woman succumbed to her illness, the second lost a vital organ and the third is writing to you now from this keyboard. I managed to walk away from my medical crisis with only four little scars on my torso to remind me that it really happened.

Why should I be so lucky?

I have absolutely no idea. I don’t have these answers or any like it. I just know that I need to take a moment to reflect on the positive hand I’ve been dealt. I will not take it for granted. I am very thankful for the opportunity to continue being a daughter, a sister, a wife, a mother and a friend.

Oh, and one more thing ….

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This picture was taken by me only moments before I was wheeled into surgery. As you can plainly see, I was high as a kite and the family members who were with me at the time really should have taken my phone away. But they didn’t. And I managed to snap this picture. It’s actually one of my favorite shots on my phone’s camera roll, although I’ve never shown it to anyone. It’s pretty raw …. but it’s also pretty happy. Right now, that seems like a nice combination.

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Ketchup With Us #7


Food, glorious food! Hot sausage and mustard!
While we’re in the mood, cold jelly and custard!
Pease pudding and saveloys! What next is the question?
Rich gentlemen have it, boys … In-di-gestion!

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A marriage of musical theater and food. How could I not use this song here? Plus, Oliver is one of my favorite shows. Although I will confess that, until today, I thought the lyrics read “Peas, pudding and saveloy.” What the heck is pease pudding, you ask? Yeah. I had to know, too. (pause for Googling) Per Wikipedia, pease pudding is “a term of British origin regarding a savory pudding dish made of boiled legumes.” And, for the record, a saveloy is “a type of highly seasoned sausage, usually bright red in colour, which is typically available in English fish and chips shops, sometimes fried in batter.”

Refried beans and fried hot dogs. Mmmmmmm. Brits are as whack about food prep as I am. Still, I manage to have a few good meals up my sleeve. Which is disgusting and usually makes a huge mess. So, in the spirit of giving, I thought I’d share one of my recipes here with you. Today. Right now. (Sigh. Eyes Rolling.) Yes … fine. I’ll wait while you go grab a pencil.

ODNT’s Squash Soup

  • Winter squash – acorn, butternut, pumpkin, etc. (12 oz – ish)
  • 1 baking potato
  • 2 cans (14 1/2 oz. each) chicken broth
  • 1 tbsp. olive oil
  • 2 medium onions, diced
  • 1/4 tsp. cinnamon
  • 1/4 tsp. ginger
  • 1/8 tsp. nutmeg
  • 2 tbsp. maple syrup
  • 1/4 c. heavy cream

Halve the squash and potato. Bake face down (it’s more humane) at 350 until very soft. The pain-in-the-ass potato will take longer so plan to remove your more compliant squash (or is it squashes?) a little earlier. I think this process took about an hour but I can’t remember because my neighbor sent over champagne.

Once the vegetables are Gerber quality, start pureeing them in small batches with the chicken broth to make a creamy mash.  A food processor is the ideal tool for this process which is, of course, why I use a blender. (Consequently, my soups, smoothies, hummus and adult freezy drinks all have a similar squashy-banana-with-chick-peas-and-booze flavor.)

Saute onions in olive oil. (Or skip this step like me, since Dave hates onions, and just use onion powder.) Add all other spices. (Put the measuring spoons away, fool. A few generous shakes of each is fine.) Add everything to the veggie mash and heat in a large pot on the stove.

Finally, right before serving, add the maple syrup and heavy cream (the only sin in the pot). I do it that way because it’s what I was told to do years ago. Personally, I eat the soup for days after I cook it and I’ve never died (not even once) from chilling and reheating the cream. But then, I’m a reckless hooligan.

Oh, and enjoy the soup. It’s pretty damned good on a cold fall day.

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For a quick explanation of this link-up, click here. In short, Mel and I will post a picture or video with a writing prompt on the 1st and 15th of every month. You can write your entry in any form. We love creativity. And, with each prompt, we’ll feature a writer from the previous link-up. Which reminds me …

Our esteemed Ketchup With Us Featured Writer for today is …

Wyman Ragg

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The Rules of Play

  1. Submit your entry using the linky at the bottom of one of our KWU posts.
  2. Follow us on Facebook (Michele /Mel).
  3. Follow us on Twitter (Michele/Mel) & tweet us your entry with the hashtag #KetchupWithUs.

Grab our Button!

olddognewtits.com

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‘KETCHUP WITH US’ – Prompt #7

Share a favorite holiday recipe with us. For once, there is no Heinz-inspired word limit. Just don’t go overboard. (God, I HATED that movie.)

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The Indisputable Proof That I Was a Child Nerd


While straightening up a bit around here at ODNT, I came across an old draft of a post I abandoned last July. I neither have any idea why I started writing it nor, for that matter, why I stopped. But when I read it tonight, it made me laugh. Maybe because I’m just as dumb as I was last summer. Or maybe just ’cause it was a shitty day. Either way, please enjoy my late night ramblings. I assure you that, once you’re done, you’ll be no smarter for having read it.

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1. I shaved my underarm hair into a mohawk. On the right side only. I’m not very hairy so it didn’t even show. But it was itchy.

2. I had double pierced ears and decided that one of my ears needed a third hole. So I did it myself. With a needle and a cube of ice. On a ferry boat.

3. A friend and I wanted to embarrass a boy we knew so we sent in a request to Casey Kasem for Air Supply’s Every Woman in the World to Me. We sent it from him to us. And it was played. Man, were we cool.

4. I tried to sneak into Officer and a Gentleman but accidentally bolted into the wrong R-rated movie and got stuck seeing Scott Baio in Zapped instead. (Fun fact: Also in Zapped? Willie Aames.)

5. I impersonated Shirley Feenie with a friend dressed as Laverne and together we performed their theme songmoves and all … in front of my whole grade school.

6. My campaign slogan for 7th grade Vice President was a bastardization of a Rick Springfield song: “I’ll do everything for you … if you vote for me.” I lost.

7. I got a concussion in high school because I hit my head on the tampon machine in the girl’s bathroom. I am not in my yearbook that year because of this injury.

8. A friend and I heard Lee press-on nails couldn’t catch on fire so we put that theory to the test. While wearing them.

9. I made a sculpture out of meat with a friend and left it anonymously on a teacher’s portable classroom stairs.

10. I impersonated Mick Jagger and lipsynched to Satisfaction with an American flag tied around my neck for roughly three thousand people.

11. The first time I tried shaving, I dried shaved the entirety of my arms and legs with a disposable razor.

12. I once painted all of my fingernails and lips with Liquid Paper.

13. I attempted to convince my mom that I didn’t cheat on my Science test even though she was holding my cheat sheet in her hand. Then I fainted during my closing argument.

14. I saw a scene in Gone with the Wind where Scarlett gargled with perfume so I tried it. Don’t ever try it.

15. I had a shiny pink satin jacket with purple trim that said Roller Disco in raised rock glitter across the back.

16. I had semi-professional recordings made of myself singing Old Time Rock ‘n’ Roll, You Needed Me and Sister Golden Hair as a kid.

17. I attended speech therapy for my Cindy Brady lisp.

18. Because of #17, I had something called a “tongue cage” affixed on the inside of my bottom teeth that required neck-gear when I slept.

19. I snuck and slept on the floor of my parents’ room every time I saw a horror movie through the end of high school.

20. I attended sleep-away guitar camp. Two years in a row. And, yes, I have seen American Pie.

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An oldie but a goodie by my girl from last year’s If Nerds Could Be Superheroes. It just seemed fitting.

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My Favorite Things (for @TrifectaWriting)


Trifecta gave a great writing prompt for this time of year. Well, in my opinion anyway.

  • “In 1959, Rodgers and Hammerstein wrote the music for the Broadway production, The Sound of Music. One of the most famous songs from the musical is “My Favorite Things.” Since its inception, the song has been covered by countless artists, and we’re asking you to follow suit. Give us a few of your favorite things, in whichever form you want, in 33 words exactly.”

Easy. Feel free to sing along with me …

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My Favorite Things

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Christmas, theater, cheese, spa days and warm cookies

Family, friends, travel and writing a bookie

The love of my children and when my girl sings

These are a few of my favorite things

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A grainy albeit very special blast from my family’s Christmas Past.

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Never Mind the Fact That We Used An Easter Tablecloth Today


Today’s entry is short and sweet. I just revisited my Thanksgiving post from last year and it still stands. I have a special place in my heart for Thanksgiving because it serves as the prelude to the holiday season. As the overture to the grand production at the end of each year. And we all know how much I love overtures and grand productions.

Still, I want to say a quick thank you for several things. So, as I said at my own Thanksgiving Day table at my own home today …

“I am thankful for my family and my many friends. I am thankful for not having any kind of bizarre health crisis hanging over me this year. And I am very thankful for the many people who stepped up to carry me last year. Also, I am thankful to have found a writing outlet for myself right here. It really helps to keep my head together. Or so I think.”

Happy Thanksgiving, everyone. Your readership means a lot to me. I hope your hearts (and stomachs) are as full as mine is right now.

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And, Mel, since I keep forgetting to promote our new project, I’m going to do it right now. My friend, Mel at AccordingToMags.com, and I are co-authoring a semi-monthly parenting column at manilla.com/blog. So far, we’ve had two articles published. So, I guess I’m thankful for that, too. 🙂

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