Crap! My reunion is in 12 days & there’s so much work to be done!

Posted on May 7, 2012 | 40 comments

If you’re reading this blog, I can only assume that you’re old enough to have had at least one class reunion by now. Me, too. Actually, I’ve had a few. (Loud exhausted sigh that I’ll repeat even louder if you didn’t hear the first one.) I’m old enough now that people likely expect me to show up with worldly anecdotes and other colorful witticisms about my life and its many accomplishments.

Shit.

So … we’ve got twelve days. And I was just thinking that I probably need to accomplish a few things before then. Although I’m afraid my list might be a little ambitious. Here’s what I’ve got. What do you think? Do I have a shot at any of these?

Discover a vaccine for diabetes. I’ll probably take care of cancer and heart disease, too … as long as I’m in the lab using the beakers and messing up my nails and everything.
Compose a symphony in E flat major 7. Doesn’t that sound like the perfect fancy-pants key? I think it would probably get me noticed faster than if I just said C. Also, I need to get this composition performed on PBS as soon as possible.
Travel to a third world destination and ‘Angelina’ my way across the countryside. Stay put until People Magazine shows up to do a spread on me. Don’t forget to pack lipstick and a flat iron.
Win a Tony. This one’s going to be tough. Because the Tonys aren’t held until a month later in June. Plus I’m not actually in a Broadway play right now. Details.
Learn to play the cello. Geez, it’s only got four strings. How hard can it be?!!?
Spend a month meditating in India. This one’s going to be really hard, too, because I’ve only got twelve days left.
Write a sequel to War & Peace. So far, I’ve got about 650 words so I’m probably good to go here.
Star in a movie with Johnny Depp. I just tweeted Tim Burton about some ideas so this one’s practically done. Plus, I think Johnny would probably LOVE to do a movie about my cat. Although the cat will probably have to be dead.
Serve the people as an elected official. Does PTA president count? I had my own gavel with a piece of blue electrical tape on the side with my name written on it in Sharpie. Plus a music stand that, when covered by a blue Snuggie, made a pretty decent podium.
Earn a B.A., an M.A., marry, have two kids, reinvent myself after Hurricane Katrina, get a cat and write about everything, even if it’s related to my boobs. Crap. I’m really dragging my feet on this one. Better start burning the damned generic Walmart candle at both ends.

What do you think? Some of my old classmates actually read this blog (or so they tell me) so I guess now I have to go. I’ll be going stag … which is becoming my thing … since Dave is traveling again. So, what should I tell everyone I’m doing these days? Think they’d believe if I claimed to be an undercover agent so I wouldn’t have to go into any details about my life? Or maybe I should just show up wearing another classmate’s name tag. A male classmate. (That could shake things up a bit.)

Anyway, I’m now accepting ideas of what I should do, wear, say, carry with me, pretend to be, sing on the stage, put in the punchbowl, write on the wall in the ladies room, etc. at this momentous event in my very near future.

And … oh, dear God … I almost forgot. Here’s a huge decision that could make or break my whole evening.

Do I wear my hair curly or straight???

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Tagged accomplishments, class reunion, high school reunion

Getting to know the Charismatic Mr. Kleinpeter

Posted on May 6, 2012 | 5 comments

To get you up to speed … First, I wrote a letter to Kleinpeter Dairy about a problem I had with some of their product. Then, they wrote me back … and even paid me a little visit. Then I sent a thank you email to Mr. Kleinpeter for his company’s amazing and immediate efforts to remedy the problem. Here’s his response.

Michele,

Oh, it’s not a joke about the lipstick on the rim. I’m telling the truth, so I know I don’t have to worry about getting caught. It’s a good thing that men don’t have to wear lipstick, or I’d get busted too. But then, we would have to see whose shade it was…..

Girl, if she doesn’t go to bed with make-up on, I won’t know who I’m waking up to. Just kidding. She takes it off, but she drinks out of the milk container all the time. I’ve even thought of labeling whose is who, so when company comes over……uh, I’m not going to say it….nope, I ain’t going to say it….but it’s no wonder that, when we have company over for dinner, everyone wants to open a “fresh” container of our milk.

Michele, I have a serious question for you.

Just what the heck is “milk copywriting?”

Heck, I’m 53 and I have no clue as to what you’re talking about….talk to me….uh, email to me….

Jeff

Jeff Kleinpeter
President
Kleinpeter Farms Dairy, L.L.C.

I love this guy. BUY KLEINPETER MILK! Or, if you don’t live in the area, just let him know you think he’s awesome by commenting here.

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Tagged kleinpeter dairy, thank you email

Stargazing (for Trifextra)

Posted on May 5, 2012 | 9 comments

It’s Trifextra Weekend Challenge time. The assignment? Three truths and a lie, in 33 to 333 words.

* * * * * * * * * *

Stargazing

* * * * * * * * * *

I’ve met Siskel & Ebert. Two thumbs up.

I’ve met Donny & Marie. Bucket list.

I’ve met Kelsey Grammar. He looked tired.

I’m fluent in Mandarin Chinese. And have been for five years.

* * * * * * * * * *

1998, NATPE Convention, New Orleans

2011 La Cage Aux Folles, Longacre Theatre, New York City

Gosh. I guess I don’t have any proof of this one. (Did I make it too easy?)

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Tagged 33 and 333 words, stargazing, three truths and a lie, trifextra weekend challenge

Have YOU hugged your milkman today?

Posted on May 4, 2012 | 15 comments

Have you guys been following along? First, I wrote a letter to Kleinpeter Dairy about a problem I had with some of their product. Then, they wrote me back … and even paid me a little visit. Here’s my thank you to Mr. Kleinpeter. Yes, I am milking this topic for all that it’s worth. (Thanks, Anna, for the joke.)

Dear Mr. Kleinpeter,

First of all, I just want say how much I appreciate your prompt and sincere response to my email. I’ve written my share of letters over the years and I have never found myself better off than before I started within just twenty-four hours. You guys are the bomb and I want you to know that I posted an update attesting to that fact yesterday. I’m including the links for the original post and for the update below. Please read them (especially the update) as well as some of the comments when you can. I think I might have earned you a few new customers.

The 1st Kleinpeter post featuring my letter to you … http://wp.me/p1LoLK-1DN

The 2nd post featuring your response to me … http://wp.me/p1LoLK-1E1

You’re a funny man, Mr. Kleinpeter, and I hope your wife doesn’t kill you for the joke you made in your letter. Please be sure to let her know two things for me:

She should never go to bed with make-up on, as it’s detrimental to the complexion and will wreak havoc on the pores. And don’t even get me started on the pillowcases and, in your case, milk jugs.

She should not be embarrassed by all of this craziness. Feel free to point out that I maintain a blog with a word in it that … in your world … is pronounced teats. My website actually gets its roots in boob job research so the tongue-in-cheek title comes from that. Don’t let it fool you. I’m just a regular goofball like the rest of the us.

And my joke about asking you for a job? Well, I really do think I’d be a natural at milk copywriting. It’s a lost art, don’t you think?

*

Thanks again for being awesome,

Michele

*

P.S. My husband said he went to junior high in Baton Rouge with David & Shawn Kleinpeter. Any relation?

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For My Mother (for Trifecta)

Posted on May 3, 2012 | 22 comments

It’s Trifecta Weekly Challenge time. Entries must be between 33 & 333 words and need to include the following word using its 3rd definition (below).

thun·der noun \ˈthən-dər\

3: bang, rumble <the thunder of big guns>

* * * * * * * * * *

For My Mother

* * * * * * * * * *

She took a moment to collect herself in the great hall amidst the deafening silence. All eyes were upon her as she straightened her spine, reached her fingers toward the keys and poised them to begin. A little more nervous than she expected to be, she was glad she had elected to go with an old friend, Chopin’s Nocturne in E-Flat Major, Opus 9, Number 2, to accompany her on this momentous occasion. She knew she would own that four minutes.

And she began to play.

It took only thirty seconds for her to lose herself completely in the piece. The repeating melody always held her … with its haunting legato articulation and its graceful and sometimes even unstructured rhythm. She knew she had to learn it the first time she heard it years ago as a child.

She was about halfway in when she heard the coughing attack coming from the third row. It nearly unnerved her but she managed to regain her focus before striking anything in error or losing her cadence. “Shut up, old man!” she wanted to scream, but she maintained her composure and moved on to the final repetition of the melody. She gathered herself, in preparation of the piece’s most elaborate tones and trills. She executed these sections flawlessly as the dynamics of the composition ascended to fortissimo and reached its peak.

She exhaled with the realization that the most complicated portion was behind her and advanced into its coda, bringing the piece back down to its almost pianissimo conclusion.

Her eyes were closed as her fingers pressed the final notes. For ten seconds, she could only hear the sound of her own breathing. Then suddenly, from the darkness surrounding her, there came a shattering thunder of applause as the audience leapt to its feet to show its demonstrative approval and appreciation for the artistry on the stage before them.

* * * * * * * * * *

I love you, Mom.

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Tagged 33 and 333 words, chopin, for my mother, nocturne in e-flat major, number 2, opus 9, piano, thunder, Trifecta Weekly Challenge

They Wrote Back! The Dairy Company Wrote Back!

Posted on May 2, 2012 | 26 comments

Well, we’ve certainly written our share of letters so far this year, haven’t we? Remember the one to AMC about airing a vibrator ad during a prime time showing of The Polar Express the day after Christmas??? Or the one to Kids-in-Mind (who’s supposed to help gauge a movie’s child-appropriateness) for forgetting to warn us that the Easter Bunny is outed in We Bought a Zoo? I contacted those organizations by email and by phone and never heard a word back. AMC even acknowledged the problem over the phone saying they’d had multiple complaints about the same issue and that someone would be getting back to me very shortly. And then nothing happened.

Shame, shame, shame.

Well, I’m here to tell you that I have no such words of shame for Kleinpeter Dairy. I wrote them an email yesterday. I didn’t even send it until about 1:30pm. And I immediately got an auto-response email from a milkbot. (I wonder if they’re related to mechanical bulls.) Then, by 2:30pm, I got another email, this time from Jeff Kleinpeter, the president and overlord of all things milk and milk-related.

Seriously, Alec Baldwin, I think you’ve been majorly dethroned.

Check out Mr. Kleinpeter’s awesome response.

Hi Michele,

Thank you for your email. Seriously, we want to know what our customers go through and experience out there. And, you got the “boss,” ’cause the buck stops here….really!

What it sounds like is that the gallon of milk you purchased was exposed to excessive heat somewhere. What we do in these instances is we first ask if we can replace the product and bring you some extra goodies for your troubles, like ice cream or orange juice. We also ask from which store you purchased your milk.

Why?

We have been experiencing marginal coolers out there in the market place, and we like to bring this to the attention of the store management team right away, because that cooler will be affecting everyone’s milk, not just Kleinpeter. So far this summer, and it isn’t even hot yet, we have had 5 store coolers with problems, and many customers have been unhappy….

So, please tell us which store you purchased this from, and we’ll go there within the hour and check it.

And, I know you didn’t want to, but saving the milk so we could check it in our Certified lab would have been nice, but I would not have kept the stinky thing either, and someone may have drunk more out of it, in the middle of the night, half asleep…..yes, my wife gets caught ’cause I see the lipstick on the rim of the jug….

We’ll be glad to help you, and give me that store name please. One of my associates with be in touch with you today!

Sincerely,

Jeff K

Jeff Kleinpeter
President
Kleinpeter Farms Dairy, L.L.C.

Well, sure. I’ll probably get him in trouble with his wife for posting this letter but … even though he does know about the blog … he’s never asked for the web address. Which is probably for the best considering it has the word ‘tits’ in it. Except that maybe I could convince him that it’s pronounced ‘teats.’ That would probably earn me some extra points with a dairy company.

Anyway … as if this great letter wasn’t enough, I then got a phone call around 4:30 yesterday afternoon from a local representative. He asked me all kinds of questions about where I bought the milk, the temperature of our refrigerator, how old I was when I learned to ride a bike … you know, the usual stuff. Then he asked if I would be home tomorrow (which is today) around 10 in the morning. And I, of course, said YES (!!!!) … knowing that whatever else I had planned could wait.

The freakin’ milkman was making a house call. To me. How many people in our generation can say that?

Here he is … standing in my kitchen.

He replaced the gallon of skim milk and brought a little something extra, too. Kleinpeter = Awesome.

I still need to reply to the president’s email tomorrow. I like those people. A lot. And I fully intend to ask Mr. Kleinpeter for a job. I love writing. And I love milk. Ergo … it stands to reason that I would love writing about milk.

Right?

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Tagged kleinpeter dairy, letter, milk, spoiled milk

A Letter to Kleinpeter Dairy Fairms

Posted on May 1, 2012 | 15 comments

May 1, 2012

Dear Kleinpeter Dairy,

I have been a faithful customer for many, many years. My college roommate first introduced me to your product testifying that your “skim milk was better” than all the others and it “tasted like 2%” because you “use Guernsey cows.” I remember thinking “Whatever” because I had no problem with the taste of the then always-watery-and-oddly-blue skim milk to which I’d become accustomed. Plus, I had no idea what a Guernsey cow was anyway. I was in college studying Journalism, not Animal Sciences … or would it be Bovinology? The closest I came to anything cow-related was knowing co-eds who claimed to have gone cow-tipping. I never went. I’m scared of a fly, for God’s sake. And it seemed WAY mean to me. I’m pro-cow. Goooooo, cow!

Anyway, that was (cough, sputter) twenty years ago. And now, I’m happy to report that you’re the milk of choice in my house. You were one of the first to advertise your disassociation with the rBGH growth hormone which, as a mom, won me over immediately. What the heck were these dairy farmers thinking, pumping their cows … and thus our children … with these bulk-inducing, cancer-causing, birth-defect-creating hormones?

Like I said, unless I can’t find your product in the store, Kleinpeter is what I take home in my overpacked, squeaky-wheeled grocery cart every week, sometimes twice a week if it’s a thirsty one. And we’ve never had any problems … until now.

I purchased a gallon of Kleinpeter skim milk on April 25 that listed an expiration date of May 6. We didn’t open it until the previous gallon was finished which was yesterday, April 30, still six days prior to expiration.

And it was the oddest gallon of “milk” I have ever seen.

Strangely enough, it didn’t have much of an odor which enabled me to investigate it more thoroughly than I probably should have without becoming ill. The milk was not white but cream-colored and VERY thick. And chunky. Just pouring it down the drain was harder than digging ditches. I had to get all up in the jug which, as you can imagine, was a bit of a dirty job. (Hey, somebody call Mike Rowe!)

It was like having a gallon of yogurt in the house. And why you would ever need a gallon of yogurt? Maybe if you were running a Greek restaurant. Or fighting off the mother of all yeast infections. (Have I gone too far?) In any event, it was gross. And, while I am not asking for any financial compensation in return for my trouble, I would like to request a response to my letter as I keep a blog on such things and am posting my letter to you. I’d love to share your response.

As you can see, we don’t take ourselves too seriously around here so feel free to answer as candidly as your mood … and your boss … allows.

Thanks again for your time and … Keep On Milkin’!

Michele

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Check Your Email, Dude – Brotherly Love (Ep. 4)

Posted on April 30, 2012 | 9 comments

You guys DO understand that we’re reading other people’s PERSONAL and REAL emails here, right?

Remember MY PLAN to rid the world of misdirected emails? Every time I get something good sent to me by mistake, I’m sharing it. Right here. In a segment called Check Your Email, Dude (CYED).

* * * * * * * * * *

You are now reading Episode #4 of the Jud & Bill series entitled Brotherly Love, chronicling the mundanely interesting goings-on in the daily lives of two brothers across the country from one another. For the last episode, click here.

[ Brotherly Love – Ep. 4]

7/22/11, 1:39am

Bill,

As far as my newest hobby of trying to brew my own brew (I think that is a pun), I did think about the pool, but decided against it. My main concern was what to do with my 1991 water that I have spent countless money on to keep clean for 21 years now. Under NYS motor vehicle law, it is now considered classic water, and I only have another 79 years to go before I can declare it antique water. You need to keep on looking for where they are growing the Mary Jane. I know it is out there. Remember brand names like Califorina Gold. Talk soon.

Jud

Will Jud realize that he in fact did not make a pun at all? Why in the shit has he been saving water for 21 years? Where did he attend school and not learn to spell California???

Stay tuned for more adventures of Jud & Bill in our next episode of Check Your Email, Dude.

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My Apologies to Drew Carey

Posted on April 29, 2012 | 17 comments

Is it weird to base a whole blog post on someone else’s YouTube videos? Whatever. There are no rules here. So, put your feet on the table, ruin your dinner with Doritos and go blow your nose on the good towels. This post just had to be written.

I recently became reacquainted with a couple of videos that make me nearly pee my pants every time I watch them. My husband travels a lot for work (more on that another time) and one of the many cities he’s had the good fortune to visit is beautiful Cleveland, Ohio. During one of his visits there, he and I first discovered these mock tourism videos made by a couple of brilliant dudes who I can only assume hail from Cleveland. Otherwise, it’s totally offensive.

The first video is funny … but the second one had me inhaling my Diet Coke. Which really burns, by the way. And yet I still associate these viewing experiences with positivity. That’s how funny they are.

I don’t know these guys personally but I really, really hope they’ll do a promotional spot for ODNT one day … or maybe even my daughter’s wedding video!

Sorry, Cleveland. These dudes started it. Enjoy …

* * * * *

The first one …

… and its sequel.

The line about the VCR kills me.

17 Comments

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Tagged cleveland, drew carey, hastily made tourism videos, youtube videos

Inside Joke (for Trifextra)

Posted on April 28, 2012 | 14 comments

It’s the weekend … which means it’s my “Trifextra ME time.” (Oh, that’s just so sad.) Anyway, if you didn’t see my last post, I’ll explain that the assignment this time is to create a scene involving three people and write it from the point of view of each of these characters, using 33 words for each of them.

This post is aptly-named as it’s available to everyone but directed to my Trifecta circle. The three vignettes that follow are intended to illustrate the individual reactions of three specific Trifecta writers when they read this weekend’s assignment.

Trifecta friends, can you guess who I’m channeling here? Rest-of-world, sorry. Feel free to eavesdrop.

* * * * * * * * * *

Inside Joke

* * * * * * * * * *

What??? I barely have time to write 33 words on the weekend, let alone 99. Sorry, kids. Mommy can’t take you to the park today. Chris, can you? I’m going to DM ODNT.

Wow. Three stories. There’s got to be a song in that. Wait … I know. I mean … it’s a goofy 80s song but it’s perfect. Better look up the lyrics. ODNT probably knows them.

The same story from three viewpoints? Three people? I guess I could do Three Amigos since it’s my namesake. Sort of. Gah! My BRAAAAAIN hurts. I’m going to go tease ODNT about cheese.

* * * * * * * * * *