SIX Oddly Specific Things I’m Good At Doing

Posted on June 23, 2014 | 13 comments

Pulling teeth. And I’m not talking about my own kids. I’ve put my fingers in more mouths than I care to admit. And I’ve successfully extracted a dangling but stubborn tooth from a frightened kid every time. Some folks call me … the tooth whisperer. (Seriously, I want a cape.)

Making grilled cheese sandwiches. It was the first thing I learned how to cook as a kid. My gift was recognized immediately so I was quickly promoted to head chef in my family when we made them for dinner. Sadly, poor cookware and a smoke alarm installed entirely too close to my oven have created far too perfect a storm for me these days. And three fire house visits (by dudes who all could have jumped directly from the firemen’s calendar, by the way) are enough for me. I’ve hung up my spatula until we move to a new house.

My Mary Tyler Moore impression. It’s only a few words, but I’ve been told it’s pretty darn good. And I owe it all to hours of classic (The Mary Tyler Moore Show) and super classic (The Dick Van Dyke Show) TV shows with my mom and dad.

Flat ironing hair. Well, duh, if I’m anal about it, I’m also probably good at it. It’s actually the only thing Vivien will allow me to do to her hair.

Folding t-shirts. Thanks to years of experience acquired from my job at Limited Express. We actually used a clipboard to ensure that every shirt was folded the exact same size back then. Now I can do it free form. Because I’m just that good.

Remembering numbers. “Hey, Michele. What’s my license number again?”… “Do you know your checking account and routing numbers?” … “Do you remember your childhood phone number?” … “Does anyone know the customer service number for Cox Cable?” Yep. I can answer all of these (and lots of others) off the top of my head. Which has often earned me mouth-dropped looks like I’m Raymond Babbitt. I guess this is where my son …. who we called Rain Man as a toddler … gets it. Three minutes to Wapner …

What about YOU?

What are your freakish talents?

June is Blog Post by Numbers Month. Wanna play with Mel and me? Just write a “listy-type” post with a number in the title (ex. FOUR Reasons I Love Mayonnaise, SIX Things You Can Do With A Paper Clip). Then link back to us and tweet us about it so we can include you on June 30th in our final list: (Number-Yet-To-Be-Determined) Great Bloggers Who Played the Blog Post by Numbers Game!

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TWENTY Pictures from the Play

Posted on June 22, 2014 | 7 comments

Alas, another summer play is behind us. Am I proud? relieved? sad? Yes. To all three. As I’ve learned from the many shows I’ve done since I was Vivien’s age, you truly form a bond with people you see and get silly with every single day. So much so that you feel a void when these people are taken from your daily routine by something as simple as a final curtain. And, personally, I’ll never be able to hear the word “twerk” again without thinking of this show. (It’s a private joke. Don’t worry, Mom. I never twerked in this production.)

So did I take any pictures? Well, what do you think? I just wish I’d gotten to everyone in the cast. Unfortunately, I was limited to the moments I was offstage and actually had a camera handy.

To the cast and crew of All Shook Up, thanks for giving my girl and me a great summer. We’ll be thinking about all of you when we visit Graceland next month. Can’t wait ’til next year!

Me and my best girl. Yes, she’s as tall as me now. I should’ve sprung for the platform blue suedes.

With two of Viv’s best pals. What was I thinking taking such a close-up shot with three, fresh-faced 12-year-olds? (Next time, background, Michele. Background.)

Fine. I’ll remove myself from this one. Because what’s better than three sweet young girls doing the old school Charlie’s Angels thing?

How about three sweet young boys? Dressed as church ladies?

And speaking of which … old lady selfies. Because I might not get that chance again for (cough) fifty years.

We just couldn’t take enough old lady pictures.

Getting our crotchety on right before the big number.

The guy who could do everything from channel Elvis to fix a wedding dress. And I should probably mention he was also one of our two directors.

Only six of the one hundred forty-four blue suede shoes in the show.

So glad this lady did the show with me.

Dressing room selfie. Anyone remember B*tchy Resting Face? (Is it weird that I censored that word given my blog name? Probably.)

Me and “the Mechanic’s Daddy.”

The bus. Oh, dear God, the bus. Good times, Mitzi.

The last night of the show a gang? gaggle? hunka-hunka-herd of Rolling Elvi stopped by to wish us luck. Naturally, I had to get a picture.

This shot might be my favorite. We just love it when that happens.

Until we meet again in Memphis, Elvis.

Wanna read my other posts about All Shook Up?

11 Tips on Doing a Play With Your Kid
12 of My Favorite Elvis Songs
5 Things You Need to be a Church Lady

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14 Reflections During My Doctor Visit Today (Guest Post by my mom)

Posted on June 21, 2014 | 4 comments

My mom is awesome. Most of you already know that. And she really needs her own blog. But, until then, you’ll have to settle for her too-few-and-far-between guest posts right here at ODNT. (Remember her last one about being a grandmother at Viv’s dance recital?) She knows that (with the play, my freelance work and life in general) I’m struggling to adhere to this 30 days of Blog Posts by Number Game. So she’s pitching in.

Seriously, is there any limit to what this woman will do for me?

Anyway, she sent me this little gem recently. She created it on her phone while waiting at the doctor’s office. Ingenuity at its finest. Enjoy.

1. The man next to me is coughing, sneezing and (I think) coming on to me. Lech.

2. My magazine is from December 2013.

3. The other magazines are all being held by people sicker than I. (I have now ditched my magazine.)

4. A lady who arrived after me is going before me.

5. The seats are too close together.

6. I think I hear the doctor coughing and sneezing.

7. For the past 15 minutes, no one has been called in.

8. It’s noon. Is the doctor having a lunch break?

9. My stomach just growled. A couple of people looked at me, so I turned and gestured at the lech next to me.

10. Thirty minutes later, the lech and I are the only ones left in the waiting room.

11. I pretend to want a magazine on a table across the room. I, of course, will not touch the magazine but just pretend to be interested with the cover as I bend over to stare at it.

12. An elderly man exits from the doctor’s inner office and heads to the lech, who evidently is not himself the patient but just a chauffeur.

13. The lech tells me to have a good day as he holds the door for the old man. I hold up my hand. (I have no idea how that translated with him or why I did it.)

14. I am now alone. And hungry. And I need to use the bathroom. Just as I reach for the key to the john, I am called.

Thanks, Gigi. I mean Mom.

You’re welcome back here anytime. Love you.

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ELEVEN Tips on Doing a Play With Your Kid

Posted on June 20, 2014 | 2 comments

I’m finishing up another show with my girl. What a great experience it’s been for both of us. Of course, there are always things upon which I could improve. So, like last year, I’ve taken the liberty of keeping a list of helpful hints for the next time she and I take the stage together.

For the record, Viv … I can’t wait.

1. At my age, there’s a very fine line between stage makeup and the drag queen effect. I’m pretty sure I crossed it at least half the nights. Oh, how I fear the performance video. In a I’ve-just-seen-Psycho-and-I-now-need-to-take-a-shower kind of way.

2. And while I’m on the subject of make-up, I wish the gifted engineers who make lip stain would share their secret with the incompetent boobs who make nail polish. Every night when I get home, I need to rub that shi- … (wait! kids from the show might be reading this) stuff off with industrial sandpaper.

3. There are a GREAT many things on the list of foods I can’t eat before a show. Among them so far … jambalaya, shrimp, chowder, lasagna, cannelloni, Mexican food, a shi- (dang it! … the kids) boatload of cheese. Only Tic Tacs agree with me in those valuable hours leading up to a performance. (How have I not lost weight during this show???)

4. If there are moments in the show where you are suddenly expected to freeze in an expressive position so as not to draw attention from a spotlighted soloist, do not freeze with your mouth open while facing downward. Gravity + saliva = your worst enemies.

5. When going to the bathroom during the show in costume, always check when you’re done to see if the back of your skirt is tucked into your scuba suit of undergarments. I cannot stress this enough.

6. And while we’re on THAT subject, a heavy sweater over another sweater over a dress over a leotard … in New Orleans … in June? Well, there’s simply not enough deodorant in the world.

7. Making young people laugh and break character on stage is easier than one would think. (Oops.)

8. Take every opportunity you can to pee. (See #5) You never know when the urge is going to hit and it’s the last thing you need distracting you on stage. And know that even something as benign as a smoothie for dinner can be trouble (per #3) as it will result in a record-setting night for bathroom visitations. My personal best for the 2.5 hour show is 14. I should probably see a doctor about that.

9. Blue suede shoes are a surprisingly uncomfortable and unsupportive choice in footwear. I’m thinking that THIS had something to do with all the flailing Elvis exhibited back in the day. Think about it. Fat Elvis dumped the shoes for a jumpsuit and did you ever see him flail again? No. Because his feet were finally happy. Of course, I think this is when the whole arm windmill thing started. And THAT was probably because his bedazzled pajamas were too tight.

10. It is astonishingly difficult to hang on to a slippery bible while dancing and wearing old lady church gloves. Next time you run into one of these feisty women, I suggest challenging her to a thumb war. And be prepared to have your butt kicked. (Whew, I almost said ass. Then I remembered the kids. Nice save, Michele.)

11. If you leave your phone unattended in a room full or teen/tweens, you can and should expect changed ringtones … new screen savers … and entire photo albums of these.

I love these kids. Every one of them. For realz, yo. (Can I pull that off? Too late.)

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SEVEN Things We Have Yet To Do This Summer

Posted on June 19, 2014 | Leave a comment

Yesterday, I wrote about some the bigger things we’ve done so far this summer. So guess what? Today, I’m writing about some of the bigger things we’ve got left to do this summer. I’m so damned predictable. I’ve always been that way. People tell me they can just look at me and know that I’m going to …..

SURPRISE!!!!!

(Tell the truth. There’s no way you expected a picture of Milo Claus.)

And with that unpredictability, I give you …

The Seven Things We Have Yet To Do This Summer

1. Creative Writing Camp. Also known as the Aww-Mom-do-I-HAVE-to? of summer camps. But it’s only half days for one week. So I expect a novel by Friday. (exasperatedly rolling eyes) Fine. Or a novella.

2. Independence Day. Like every year, we have party or two on the calendar. In addition this year, we’ve been assured that Dean will have to work a shift at the pool club. And we’re still snickering about it. “Sorry we can’t make it. Dean can’t get off work.”

3. Cruise to Mexico. Complete with sailing, snorkeling, beach partying and Mayan Ruins-ing. (I’m still testing out that last word. We’ll see.) And did I mention that there’s bottomless ice cream on the ship? And bottomless lobster, bottomless cake and bottomless just-about-everything. Yay! (backtracking nervously) Great. Now I’ve made my family vacation sound dirty.

4. Dentist appointments. Between the tooth sanders, the lead aprons and the funky strawberry fluoride rinse, this event is poised to be the highlight of the summer.

5. Summer reading and math packets. Oh, wait. I forgot about summer homework. Screw the dental visits. THIS will be the highlight of the summer.

6. Tampa Baseball Game. The boys are headed to a Rays game in July. (Quick. I need a baseball joke. I NEED A BASEBALL JOKE! Wait, how about this one?)

7. Memphis Pilgrimage. While the boys are at the Rays game, the girls (plus my mom) are headed to Memphis to see … you guessed it … Graceland! Because All Shook Up has created Hunka-Hunka-Elvis fever in my house. Plus, you know, I hear they’ve got ducks marching through hotel lobbies up there.

TEN Things We’ve Done So Far This Summer

Posted on June 18, 2014 | 6 comments

It’s only two weeks into June and we’ve already done quite a bit around here. Because, when it comes to summertime, we like to hit the ground running. Unfortunately, we’re not usually wearing the proper footwear … and nobody bothers to stretch first …. and don’t even get me started on getting everyone to remember to stay hydrated!

But I digress …

1. A school trip to San Antonio. Unfortunately, Dean’s cell service was iffy the whole time. Or so he says.

2. A dance recital. Complete with all the fixings.

3. Volleyball camp. Viv’s favorite day was when she got to dress up. As Halloween. No, I don’t know what that means either.

4. Church camp. My kids were actually counselors. MY kids. My BABIES! How is that even possible?

5. A full-scale musical production of All Shook Up. We still have four shows left. ~~I plan to~~ … ~~I hope to~~ … I plan to write all about it. Damn it. Did I just commit myself to that post?

6. Basketball camp. Bet y’all think it was for Dean, huh? I don’t know where that girl gets it from. Or, well, I know it’s not me.

7. A Christmas writing gig. Because you’ve got to start early on these seasonal publications. It’s one of my big freelance projects for June. So we’re baking Santa cookies, making reindeer food and trying out new wrapping ideas all month at my house. Which is a little weird. Which is completely normal.

8. Strep Throat. Thankfully, we kicked its ass quickly. Plus it only managed to hobble one of us temporarily. Seriously, he had a fever of 103. (I just totally sang that in my head.) (Copyright: Foreigner) (I almost said Rod Stewart. Which would make me an idiot.)

9. Four Doctor Visits. Is there anything funny to say here? Gosh, I don’t know. Is there ever anything funny to say about doctor visits?

10. A summer job as a pool boy. Before the jokes start, know that he’s busing tables, sweeping up trash and checking people in. Which means he’s making some of his own money. Which means I’ll be borrowing from him now. “It’s the cirrrrrrcle of liiiiiiiiiife ……..”

Wait. He’s cleaning?!!? I’m sorry. That’s not Dean. It just couldn’t be. (rubbing eyes in disbelief) Could it?

What’s left for summer 2014? Well, a good bit actually. Maybe I’ll write about that later. But, until then, let’s talk about YOU for a while.

What have YOU done so far this summer?

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EIGHT Things in my Refrigerator that aren’t Food

Posted on June 17, 2014 | 3 comments

Admit it. You’ve got valuable square foot in your fridge being taken up by crap that you can’t even eat. I didn’t realize until recently just how many “innovative” kitchen gadgets and other assorted pieces of useless garbage had been cluttering mine. So, naturally, I took it upon myself to remove all of these items one by one, photograph them, write about them on the internet and then shove them all back inside the appliance.

Because it’s what any sane person would do.

And with that, I give you …

1. Assorted cold packs. Because they’re great for treating things like headaches, sore forearms and circumcised toes.

2. Chilled beer mugs. Because only peasants drink out of the bottle. P.S. I am a peasant. These belong to Dave.

3. Vivien’s new Williams Sonoma ice cream maker. Because she loves ice cream. My jury is still out on this one.

4. Dave’s Slushy Magic. Because he loves slushy stuff. My jury is not still out on this one. We reached a verdict: Crap.

5. Dave’s Chillsner. (Or was it the Beersicle? I can’t remember.) Because it was billed the “perfect Christmas gift” last year. Unfortunately, remember #2. Dave doesn’t drink out of the bottle. Stupid me.

6. Vivien’s first communion wreath. Because … I have no joke here. Well, except for the fact that it’s more than four years old. (cough)hoarder!(cough)

7. Vivien’s snow … I mean ice … (Fine!) I mean SNOWball. Because Vivien made a ball of dirty ice (the size of a healthy cantaloupe, mind you) during the much anticipated snow threat we had earlier this year. And she just won’t let me throw it out.

8. Suppositories. Because sometimes … hey, shut up!

What about YOU?

Got anything weird in your fridge?

(Serial killers need not respond.)

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FOUR Reasons You Should Ketchup With Us (BlogHop)

Posted on June 15, 2014 | 1 comment

It’s time for Ketchup With Us. Hosted by Mel and me on the 1st & 15th each month, our link-up gives you TWO ways to play: (A) Write about anything for 10 minutes OR (B) Link up an old post. Or both!

1. Because KWU attracts some of the sweetest writers out there.

2. Because I can always count on a good laugh with every link-up.

3. Because I can usually count on a good cry with every link-up.

4. Because we’re coming up on our 50th link-up later this year and (mustering the courage to say it) we’re considering putting the cap on the ketchup bottle if we don’t get more linkers. (fleeing room in tears)

June is Blog Post by Numbers Month. Wanna play with Mel and me? Just write a “listy-type” post with a number in the title (ex. FOUR Reasons I Love Mayonnaise, SIX Things You Can Do With A Paper Clip). Then link back to us and tweet us about it so we can include you on June 30th in our final list of Great Bloggers Who Played the Blog Post by Numbers Game!

Our esteemed Ketchup With Us Featured Writer from last time is …

Adventures in Weseland

BEHIND THE KETCHUP

Click here to read how this foolishness all began.

KEEP TRACK OF OUR STUPIDITY

Facebook (Michele /Mel)
Twitter (Michele/Mel)
Instagram (Michele/Mel)
Pinterest (Michele/Mel)

SPREAD THE WORD & POST OUR BUTTON … please!

olddognewtits.com

FINALLY … THE LINK-UP!

WE give you a (completely random) picture to inspire you to KetchupWithUs.

All YOU need to do is link something up.

And, for the love of Nabisco Triple Double Sandwich Cookies, TELL YOUR FRIENDS!

P.S. Father’s Day and KWU Day coincided this year. I think it has to do with the moon being in the 7th house or Jupiter and Mars aligning or something. Anyway, because of this lunar phenomenon, I released TWO posts in ONE day today. Know what that means, right? (awkward pause) It means I’ll see you Tuesday! 🙂

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EIGHT Reasons My Dad is the Best

Posted on June 15, 2014 | Leave a comment

1. Because of all the trips to Buds Broiler, a local burger joint, that we took with my brother when we were kids.

2. Because whenever he sees something he thinks I’ll like on TV he picks up the phone and calls to tell me so I won’t miss it.

3. Because he’s hands down the most patient person on planet Earth. I can remember forgetting a textbook after a visit home from college one weekend. “No problem,” he said, climbing into the car to drive 80 miles to hand it to me then immediately drive the same 80 back home. Late on a Sunday night. When he had to wake up at 5am the next morning.

4. Because he still dances at every wedding he attends.

5. Because he taught me everything I know about math. Never mind the fact that it’s not much. MY fault, not his.

6. Because he took me to see Rick Springfield over an hour away from home when I was only in 7th grade.

7. Because he took me again to see Rick Springfield 20 years later right after I became a mom and was starting to go a little stir crazy.

8. Because he loves my children like they’re his own.

Happy Father’s Day, Dad. I love you.

NINE Words That Come Up Often at ODNT

Posted on June 14, 2014 | 1 comment

After my recent post this week about Johnny Depp’s birthday, I started thinking to myself about the other recurring subject matter here at ODNT. And wondering just how recurring some of it actually was. And after I was done wondering, I began worrying. “Good Gosh, Michele,” said my very dorky, Ned Flanders-y inner voice, “I’d hate to think that you’re a one-trick-pony. Are you offering a diverse enough menu to your readers?” (Again, my inner voice is a HUGE dork.)

So, in the interest of appeasing my dorky side, let’s take a look at how often some of my most popular keywords showed up around here, shall we?

Alec Baldwin – 11
Musical Theater – 14
Johnny Depp – 19
Hamster – 27
Dean – 37
Vivien – 43
Ketchup – 66
Cheese – 95
Cat – 254

So Ketchup beat out the kids. Well, I guess that’s no big surprise. It IS a recurring theme around here. And, of course, cheese topped that. (distracted) Cheese-topped. (drool) Damn it. Now I’m hungry.

But that THIS freak show conquered everything to be my most recurring topic of conversation? Well, I guess we know who the cat lady’s gonna be in my neighborhood in a few decades.