A Guest Post With According to Mags: Give It Up

Posted on February 11, 2013 | 13 comments

Me: “YES! I’d love to do a guest post for you while you’re away. Any subject in particular or do I have free reign?”

Michele: “Free reign.”

SA-WEEET!  I couldn’t wait to get started!

But then, you know what happened? My mind went blank. What the HECK was I going to write about?   You guys have grown to expect Michele’s concise writing style, her meticulous grammar and her sarcastic humor.  No pressure. (gulp) I felt a little bit like I was back in my Catholic school days with Sr. Phyllis. She’d stand over me tapping her ruler on my desk as I practiced my cursive writing.  One wrong loop or connection of letters and Id get a WHACK right on the knuckles.  That was when it came to me.

This week coming up is going to be a busy. Today I have to buy Mags new tap shoes (she is growing like a weed) and vote for Michele, Tuesday is Fat Tuesday and I need to vote for Michele, Wednesday is the start of Lent and, of course, keep on voting for Michele until 4:00pm PST. Wait. Why is everyone staring at me with those ‘deer in the headlights’ looks? Oh, right! I know, the time zones always get me, too. Let me give you a quick explanation. That  means  you keep voting for Michele until 6:00pm NOLA time and if you’re further to the right on the map, 7:00pm EST.

Speaking of voting, I need some help. Seeing that the start of Lent is Wednesday, I’m supposed to give up something for 40 days. To me, Lent is the like the speed dating of New Year’s resolutions. People say “It’s only 40 days.” but so is the Circle of Moms voting window (well, almost). Turns out 40 days takes F-O-R-E-V-E-R! Nevertheless, this stumps me every year. I really do try give up something, but I end up over thinking it. Then, by the time I come up with the perfect thing, it’s usually already 20 days into Lent. Way to go, Mel!

So, since I’m with a fairly new crowd…I know, I know, lots of you follow me too…but I’m speaking to the guy in the back rockin’ the Barry Manilow t-shirt. I’ve never seen him before.  Anyway, while I’m here, I thought you guys could help me. What could Mel give up for Lent?

I should probably tell you a few things that I really enjoy to put on the “GIVE IT UP” discussion table.

1. Cadbury Mini Eggs. For those of you who don’t know me well, I’ll break this one down for you. Mel is to Cadbury Mini Eggs as Michele is to cheese platters. Think about it. Would you want to be around a cheese-less Michele? WELL, WOULD YOU?!?  For crying out loud, think of  the children!

2.  Coffee. This would be cruel of you to choose, but it’s only 40 days. I’ll be back to guest post again and find the people who voted for this one.

3. Procrastinating. Eh. Let’s get back to this one in a minute.

4. Beer.  I really look forward to all the new seasonal brews that come out. So, I’d whine about this one throughout the 40 days, but it would be doable. UNLIKE THE MINI EGGS.

5. Voting on Circle of Moms. Technically this ends at 7PM for me  (see above time zone explanation) on Wednesday, but it’s still DURING Lent. This one, I like.

You can just leave which one of these choices you think I should give up in the comments. Choose wisely.

After that, please take five seconds (literally) and hop on over to Circle of Moms and…you guessed it…VOTE.

I’ll even put an adorable picture in the post for ya. Awwww!

This is a picture of Michele and Mags

On a sidenote, yesterday, we got to meet up with my girl, Michele, and her boy (the most polite 13-year-old I’ve ever met) in Washington DC. ODNT and Mags finally met (although we REALLY missed ODNT Jr.)  and it was love at first sight. I’m pretty sure they schemed through the entire lunch. Michele introduced my children to Tic Tacs…I know, I know…what kind of mother am I? And at the end of the visit, Mags tried to climb into Michele’s bottomless purse. I would have, too. She kept pulling candy canes and little mints out of it.

Thanks Michele and Dean for meeting up with us.
It was the highlight of our weekend!

.

20120407-223706.jpg

 
 

13 Comments

Posted in Uncategorized

Tagged , , , , , ,

Herve the Hamster’s Campaign Efforts for the Big Contest

Posted on February 10, 2013 | 2 comments

Herve the Hamster is doing his part for the Circle of Moms Top 25 Funny Moms campaign while ODNT and son visit our nation’s capital. He even hung a sign on his handcrafted 19th century Victorian dollhouse bachelor pad.

20130208-212500.jpg

“It’s SO easy!” he thinks, wishing he had the power of human speech.

1. Click here.

2. Scroll down to ODNT.

3. Click “VOTE.”

Still need convincing?

20130208-212514.jpg

“PLEEEEEEEEASE!!!!”

He’s blurry … but he’s sincere.

* * * * * Got five seconds? * * * * *

Please click that FANCY PANTS PINK BALL (above) to visit the Circle of Moms site and vote for ODNT for Top 25 Funny Moms.

I need this, people! I’m about to have Herve fitted for a sandwich board.

Vote daily ’til February 13. Thanks!

20120407-223706.jpg

 
 

2 Comments

Posted in Uncategorized

Tagged , ,

That’s it. I’m turning VEGAN!

Posted on February 8, 2013 | 8 comments

20130207-221308.jpg

I sent this text to my friend, Mel today at 6:28pm.

Confused? I’m talking about the Circle of Moms Top 25 Mom contests. They have loads of ’em for every interest group. My category … ‘Funny’ … is just one of many. There’s Top 25 Fashion & Beauty Moms … Creative Moms … Couponing Moms … Political Moms … Outdoorsy Moms … Foodie Moms … Eco-Friendly Moms … Vegan & Vegetarian Moms …. etc.

That last group was running its contest in tandem with the Top 25 Funny Moms contest (ends 2/13/13). I don’t know if the ‘Vegan’ group started earlier than the ‘Funny’ group but they ended today. They are finished. Free. They no longer need to fret about their daily rankings. They no longer need to teach their grandmothers how to vote from their home computers. They no longer need to huckster themselves via Facebook, Twitter, Pinterest, Instagram, Ebay, Public Acccess TV, singing telegrams, morse code, carrier pigeon, skywriting, Burma-Shave signs, cat & hamster sandwich boards and whatever else their budgets can afford.

And, although the contest has been fun, I’ll admit I’m a little envious. Why couldn’t *I* have created a vegan blog? I hate meat. I mean … except for seafood and stuff. (Remember, I’m from Louisiana.) Do you think they would accept a cheese-and-crawfish-eating “vegetarian?” I’m not a big consumer of cow or pig anyway. So that just leaves birds. (in a pathetic display of rationalizing) If I promise to stop eating birds right now, can I join the vegan bloggers and end my days in competition?

Yeah. Mel thought I was a little nuts, too. So I guess I’ll just stick with ‘Funny.’ Or ‘Funny-ish.’ Sigh.

20130207-183215.jpg

But, Michele, how do we vote?

(1) Click here

(2) Scroll to ODNT

(3) click “VOTE”

P.S. You can vote for more than one funny mom. Might I recommend my friend, Mel at AccordingToMags?
P.P.S. In my Circle of Moms travels, I met Cindy who maintains a blog called  vegetarianmamma.com that placed 2nd in its category today. Visit her when you can & tell her ODNT said hi.

* * * * * Got five seconds? * * * * *

Please click that FANCY PANTS PINK BALL (above) to visit the Circle of Moms site and vote for ODNT for Top 25 Funny Moms.

I need this, people! I almost gave up cheese for votes!

vote daily ’til February 13. Thanks!

20120407-223706.jpg

 

8 Comments

Posted in Uncategorized

Tagged , , , ,

The ODNT, Jr. “Vote for My Mom” Campaign (Part 3)

Posted on February 4, 2013 | 6 comments

Maybe it’s because it’s a big election year.

Maybe it’s because she loves me.

Or maybe it’s just because it provides yet another platform for her to showcase her two favorite little varmints.

In any event, my girl is determined to help me secure my position in the Circle of Moms Top 25 Funny Moms Contest. Previous campaign efforts include Herve in the Kitchen and Herve’s Crippling Food Issues. And now she’s back with a third creation, her latest pro-ODNT propaganda entitled “The Case of the Missing Hot Pocket.”

20130204-180600.jpg

Confused? Don’t be. It’s a pretty simple concept. She draws something funny, you laugh hysterically and then you think to yourself, “Gosh, what a funny blog! I wonder if there are any nice people out there who give awards for this kind of crazy stuff.” Well, wonder no more. The answer is yes. You can vote right here. Every day until February 13. And here’s how:

1. Click here.

2. Scroll down to ODNT.

3. Click “VOTE.”

Silver Circle – Vote daily AND pressure friends to do the same.

Gold Circle – Vote daily, pressure friends to do the same AND post on all social media.

Platinum Circle – Vote daily, pressure friends to do the same, post on all social media AND wear sandwich board whenever awake to help promote the cause.

You can vote for as many women as you like. I recommend AccordingToMags, HotMessMom and Sisterhood of the Sensible Moms … to name just a few. Take a minute and look around once you’re in. There’s a whole mess of funny at that party. Just remember to vote. So ODNT, Jr’s efforts aren’t all in vain. Thanks.

* * * * * Got five seconds? * * * * *

Please click that FANCY PANTS PINK BALL (above) to visit the Circle of Moms site and vote for ODNT for Top 25 Funny Moms.

I need this, people! Someone stole my Hot Pocket!

Vote daily ’til February 13. Thanks!

20120407-223706.jpg

6 Comments

Posted in Uncategorized

Tagged , , , , , , , , , ,

You are Cordially Invited to the 2nd Annual #FootballForWomen Twitter Party

Posted on February 2, 2013 | 5 comments

Curtain up! Light the lights!
You’ve got nothing to hit but the heights!

(Noticing that all of your eyes just rolled in unison) What? I know that’s a theater reference. Duh, it’s from Gypsy. What am I … an idiot? (pregnant pause, as in third trimester) Well, actually, I kind of am. At least when it comes to football. But we’ll just keep that between us. That’s why I had a little fun last year on Superbowl Sunday while at a friend’s football viewing party by hosting my own private #FootballForWomen party on Twitter. Actually, it was how I first got to know my friend Mel that I’m always writing about here at ODNT. Plus a whole mess of other certifiably crazy delightfully funny people, too. It was a small group but we laughed our asses off that day.

So I’m doing it again … this time with Mel as my co-host! (‘Cause she’s way better at making those fancy napkin sculptures.)

20130202-003549.jpg

This  year, we rented extra chairs and I’m doubling our hot wings order. Plus, I heard Mel’s bringing a chocolate fountain. So we’re hoping to see lots of new faces at the party. Anyone and everyone is invited. Even the boys. It’s the one place you can be this Sunday where you can make fun of a player’s haircut or the way he puts his hand on his hip every time he stands on the sidelines.

So, like I said last February, “If you’re on Twitter and you’re sitting around Sunday confused … or bored … or just seeking a laugh between plays, look for us on #FootballForWomen. It’s sort of like #shitgirlssay, football-style. And don’t be afraid to put in your (Kick it through the thing!! Kick it through the thing!!) two cents.”

GOOOOOO, FOOTBALL GUYS!

* * * * * Got five seconds? * * * * *

Please click that FANCY PANTS PINK BALL (above) to visit the Circle of Moms site and vote for ODNT for Top 25 Funny Moms.

I need this, people! I just outed myself as a total football spaz.

vote daily ’til February 13. Thanks!

20120407-223706.jpg

5 Comments

Posted in Uncategorized

Tagged , , , , , , ,

Ketchup With Us #11

Posted on February 1, 2013 | 12 comments

Superbowl Schmuperbowl. Yeah, sure. It’s this weekend. It’s even here in New Orleans. But it’s not my Saints or my friend, Mel’s Patriots. Plus, we already covered it in KWU #10. So we’re moving right on to Valentine’s Day. But you know we hardly ever do things the regular way in Ketchup Country, right? (I really wanted to type Ketchup Kountry but it seemed so … Cracker Barrel.)

That’s why instead of hearing about your sweetheart, your soulmate, the love of your life … the one you’re proud to call your own … we want to hear about someTHING or someONE that you’re embarrassed you love.

Me? Gosh, my mind just raced with possibilities. Velveeta cheese? Poison perfume? A certain Miley Cyrus song? Sigh. I wish I were joking. The mind loves what it loves. And even though I know I shouldn’t, I just can’t seem to shake this one.

He wrote “Like a Good Neighbor, State Farm is there.”
He accompanied Bette Middler for years.
He himself sold over 80 million records worldwide.

.

But it was his 1978 release that would forever burn itself in my memory. It will always belong only to my grandmother and me.

.

He is music … and he writes the songs.

Still don’t believe me?

20130129-202351.jpg

Exhibit A: My keyring. It’s a memento from my last trip to Vegas in 2010.

For a quick explanation of this link-up, click here. In short, Mel and I will post a picture or video with a writing prompt on the 1st and 15th of every month. You can write your entry in any form. We love creativity. And, with each prompt, we’ll feature a writer from the previous link-up. Which reminds me …

Our esteemed Ketchup With Us Featured Writer for today is …

Lance

* * * * * * * * * *

The Rules of Play

  1. Submit your entry using the linky at the bottom of our KWU posts.
  2. Follow us on Facebook (Michele /Mel).
  3. Follow us on Twitter (Michele/Mel) & tweet us your entry using the hashtag #KetchupWithUs.

Grab our Button!

olddognewtits.com

‘KETCHUP WITH US’ – Prompt #11

In 57 words or less, tell us about something (or someone) that you’re embarrassed you love.

20130128-222025.jpg

* * * * * Got five seconds? * * * * *

Please click that FANCY PANTS PINK BALL (above) to visit the Circle of Moms site and vote for ODNT for Top 25 Funny Moms.

I need this, people! I just outed myself as a Fanilow.

vote daily ’til February 13. Thanks!

20120407-223706.jpg

a mom blog community!

12 Comments

Posted in Uncategorized

Tagged , , , , , , , , ,

The ODNT, Jr. “Vote for My Mom” Campaign (Part 2)

Posted on January 31, 2013 | 8 comments

Remember my sweet girl’s plan to get me named a Top 25 Funny Mom? Well, her efforts continue with this second drawing … depicting Herve the Hamster and his overeating disorder.

20130131-094436.jpgSeriously, how can you resist a campaign poster with rodent poo all over it? 

So, please take what I guarantee will only be two minutes of your time to throw a vote my direction. It’s really important to … (cough, sputter) … my daughter. And, as with most things in my life, I’m going to need EVERY SINGLE VOTE to keep up with the powerhouse of funny ladies with whom I’m nominated.

Here’s what I’m going to PATHETICALLY  BEG of you until February 13:

1. Click here.

2. Scroll down to ODNT. Lower … lower. Yep, there I am.

3. Click “vote.”

Please do it every 24 hours. And call your grandmother, your high school chemistry teacher who tried to fail you because you confused Mendelevium with Manganese, even your plumber … and ask them to do it, too. I’m not kidding. I love your plumber. He’s a riot and I think he really gets my sense of humor.

You can vote for as many women as you like. I recommend AccordingToMags … and HotMessMom and … well, you just can’t go wrong with any of them. Just vote. Often, please. And TELL YOUR FRIENDS. Thanks!

* * * * * Got five seconds? * * * * *

Please click that FANCY PANTS PINK BALL (above) to visit the Circle of Moms site and vote for ODNT for Top 25 Funny Moms.

I need this, people! I’m using vermin feces to gain votes!

vote daily ’til February 13. Thanks!

20120407-223706.jpg

8 Comments

Posted in Uncategorized

Tagged , , , , , ,

ODNT, Jr. is Campaigning for Me

Posted on January 29, 2013 | 18 comments

HER: (exhibiting genuine interest) “Whatcha looking at, Mama?”

ME: (channeling a crappy mom by not turning away from the computer and dismissing the question) “Nothing.”

HER: (regurgitating my ‘mom words’ back to me) “It’s not nothing if there’s something on the screen, Mama. What is it?”

ME: (still attempting to preserve my dignity and change the subject) “Just a little contest Mama’s in.”

HER: (exhibiting more genuine interest that I don’t deserve) “A contest for what?”

ME: (giving in since she already knows her mom is a goofball who dons a ketchup costume twice a month in public anyway) “Oh, it’s just a contest to pick the Top 25 Funny Moms on a website called Circle of Moms.”

HER: (leaping up excitedly) “A contest?!!? Wait! I’ll be right back!”

I’m just a regular mom. And that means sometimes I want to pull my hair out and run screaming from the house when my kids are driving me nuts. And other times I wonder what on earth I did to deserve such amazing little people who are actually interested in me and who want to help me with my half-baked, softheaded shenanigans intellectually stimulating projects.

Such was the case with Vivien last weekend when she heard about the Circle of Moms Top 25 Funny Moms contest.

Three hours later …

“I want you to win, Mama,” she said, handing me a stack of drawings she’d be working on in her room to help me in my quest to make you laugh.

Truth? Yes, they made me laugh. They also made me cry a little. That she’d give up a big chunk of her weekend to help out her old lady … well I don’t think I was that good a daughter when I was a kid. (Let’s see if my mom takes the bait when she reads this post.)

So anyway, without further ado … I give you the first of the ODNT, Jr. Vote for My Mom for Top 25 Funny Moms original creations. This one is entitled “Herve’s Black Seed Brownie Recipe.”

20130129-154942.jpg

It centers on the ever-growing hamster in this household and his favorite delicacy. Which we recently learned leads to morbid obesity in rodents. (Yep. That’s a thing.)

But, ODNT, how do we vote for you?

IT’s EASY! And IN ONLY Three Steps!

  1. Click here.
  2. Scroll down to Old Dog New Tits. God willing, I’ll still be in the Top 25 when you do.
  3. Click “vote” next to Old Dog New Tits.

And it wouldn’t suck if you also voted for my friends, According to Mags and Hot Mess Mom while you’re there. They’re both funny ladies of whom I personally I am a big fan. You can actually vote for as many people as you like. Once every 24 hours. Until February 13. Per device. Or so they tell me. 🙂

Fine, ODNT. We’ll vote for you and your friends. EVERY BLASTED DAY until February 13. But what’s in it for us, fool?

As my way of saying thank you for taking a minute of your time each day  … and having every person you’ve ever known do the same … I wanted to share a YouTube clip of my favorite dancing hill person, Jesco White.

* * * * * Got five seconds? * * * * *

Please click that FANCY PANTS PINK BALL (above) to visit the Circle of Moms site and vote for ODNT for Top 25 Funny Moms.

I need this! I’ve RESORTED to child labor.

vote daily ’til February 13. Thanks!

20120407-223706.jpg

18 Comments

Posted in Uncategorized

Tagged , , , , , , , , , , ,

And Playing the Role of the Mailman Today is …

Posted on January 25, 2013 | 20 comments

I have some friends opening a new business in my part of the world. And Dave and I have been helping them here and there with a few small projects as they build their professional momentum. One such project was the focus of my day.

You know those people you see walking the neighborhoods putting flyers on each and every doorknob on the street? We hate them, right? We peek outside our curtains when we see them. And we wonder who these cavalier strangers think they are walking right up on our porches to our front door!

Well, today that stranger was me. Today, I walked in a mailman’s shoes. Sort of. And I wanted to share a few of my experiences and observations.

1. My home city has a frightening number of hoarders, Fred-Sanford-esque junk dealers and possible serial killers living within it. I’m not sure how comfortable I am with this new knowledge. But I did (inappropriately) snap a picture of one such cluttered porch.

20130125-195919.jpg

Seriously, nameless hoarder, this is the ENTRYWAY to your home. Also, sorry I violated your “privacy.”

2. I now know that the fact that I had my Christmas tree up until January 13 is no longer anything to brag about. I have nothing on some of the still-Christmas-holiday-bedazzled homes I saw today.

3. Nine out of ten homes in the Greater New Orleans area own a dog. Except for the scary Siberian Husky/wolf who lay leashlessly on his lawn, they are all terribly yappy and they all want to kill me.

4. More people’s front porches reek of urine than I would expect. And I’m really, REALLY hoping it’s because of #3.

5. If a creepy man calls you over to his car to ask what you’re doing while on the job, do not approach his car. Simply ask him if he has five minutes to talk about Jesus. I personally guarantee he’ll slide the shovel back under the seat and drive away. I tested this theory today.

6. Mailmen/women (or is it postal carriers?) should be better compensated and showered with gifts at Christmas time. Also, they should compete in the Olympics. They work their asses off every day. A paunchy mailman will, from here forward, confuse the daylights out of me.

7. Wind is the natural enemy of the flyer distributor. Also, of the hair. So, I was twice as pissed with it today as usual.

8. I think I need to make this mailman thing permanent and get a telemarketing job to go with it. Then, I could double dip professionally while also getting exercise. Brilliant, yes? How has no one else thought of this amazing trifecta?

9. If, like me, you ever find yourself working in the field of flyer distribution … and you happen to serendipitously synch up with the area mailman, it is just common decency to stand down from his or her route and cross the street to create your own separate path. Every idiot knows that, right?

10. You shouldn’t take yourself too seriously on the job. That way, you can laugh and the world laughs with you. Which is why Dave texted me this YouTube clip while I worked today. I played it several times on full volume on my route.

Is it just me or is young Bob kind of cute? (awkward silence) Yeah, I just totally creeped myself out, too.

* * * * * Got five seconds? * * * * *

Please click that FANCY-PANTS PINK BALL (above) to visit the Circle of Moms site and vote for ODNT for Top 25 Funny Moms.

I need this, people! I was a mailman today!

Vote daily ’til February 13. Thanks!

20120407-223706.jpg

Editor’s Note: Because of #10 below … and at the insistence of my friend, Mel … this post was submitted to Edward Hotspur’s Romantic Monday link-up. Romance doesn’t come classically in this house.  (1/18/13)

20121105-162820.jpg

20 Comments

Posted in Uncategorized

Tagged , , , , , , ,

No! I do NOT have Munchausen’s Syndrome!

Posted on January 24, 2013 | 15 comments

Remember that horrible woman from Sixth Sense who was secretly poisoning her daughter (Mischa Barton) with cleaning products in a pathetically sick effort to gain attention for herself? You do? Well, by the way, that is definitely not me.

But I do have one tiny confession to make.

My boy was home sick with me for the last two days. My thirteen year old boy. The one who will be changing schools in the fall to start high school. (Because here in New Orleans, many high schools begin in 8th grade. A fact I hate now more than ever.) And, while I’m certainly never happy to see him ailing or uncomfortable, I’d be lying if I didn’t admit that I savored every minute of our recently borrowed time together.

Dave was at work and my girl (also know as one of my appendages) was at school. It was just Dean and me. All of his friends were in class, there were no big games on TV and he was too tired to play XBox. So I actually had a shot at getting (and keeping) his attention. Which was awesome.

We had a great couple of days together, he and I. We talked a lot, indulged in a little comfort food and got in some real quality time with Milo and Herve. (For anyone just tuning in, that’s what we call the cat and the hamster in this family.) And we finally got a chance to watch the latest Men in Black installment. (Thanks, Amazon Instant Video.)

Then, I had another idea for a movie.

It’s hard to find one that Dean wants to see and I’m willing to watch or, more importantly, willing to let him watch. But then I remembered something that Dave and I had been kicking around for a while. From time to time, we like to expose our boy to an old classic … but it needs to be exciting … and maybe a little inappropriate … but not too inappropriate. And, if it’s going to be scary, it’s best that it feature a villain who can’t possibly exist in any of our daily lives. Except when we go on a beach vacation. (Can you hear the theme music in your head?)

Yep, you guessed it … Jaws.

And then, when we were done … Jaws 2.

Sure, I’ve probably completely screwed up any chance of him swimming in the ocean this summer … but since I am still unable to submerge myself in open water without becoming paralyzed in fear thanks to these merciless, maneating machines choose not to, what difference does it make?

I hadn’t seen either of these films in years. They’ve actually pretty well stood the test of time. Except that, perhaps in search of a more “real” feel for the scene, Spielberg and company apparently thought anyone was qualified for being scantily-clad on the beach. But remember … airbrush, exercise and plastic surgery weren’t so prevalent back then. And the world wasn’t so obsessed with youth.

20130124-105355.jpg

Seriously, this was probably one of the scariest scenes in the movie.

And there are still two more Jaws movies in queue waiting for our next mother and son adventure. Yes, I know they suck. I actually saw Jaws 3 (in 3-D) with Dennis Quaid back in the day. And the last one entitled Jaws 4 – The Revenge? Well, I think the preview speaks for itself.

But who cares? I can’t wait! The truth is … I’d do anything for this kid, with this kid and to be near this kid.

20130124-121710.jpg

I’m glad you’re feeling better, Dean. I’ll miss you today.

Got five seconds?

Please click the fancy pink ball to visit the Circle of Moms site and vote for ODNT for Top 25 Funny Moms.

vote daily ’til February 13. Thanks!

20120407-223706.jpg

15 Comments

Posted in Uncategorized

Tagged , , , ,