Monthly Archives: February 2013

The Grievance Letter I Just HAD to Write at 11:24pm Tonight

Posted on February 28, 2013 | 19 comments

Dear Nickelodeon,

Re: Programming Department

My kids have been big fans of your work for years. And, if you promise not to tell, I’ll even admit that I love Drake & Josh and iCarly and (cough) can quote the characters as well as any kid out there. Lately, my daughter and I have been watching old episodes of Full House together. She watches it like it’s brand new and I watch it for the nostalgia. Yes, I know. That’s the whole point, right? Anyway, kudos on the decision to air a show my ten-year-old can watch (excitedly) in lieu of so much of the other reality trash being aired simultaneously on the competing networks. It’s a good feeling to know that I can pop in and out of the room when needed and she won’t be exposed to anything inappropriate.

Re: Advertising Department

Someone in your department needs to be fired. Or at least have his XBox privileges taken away for a week. Picture it … my ten-year-old daughter and I are curled up on the sofa enjoying the wholesome, 80s, Olsen-ness of Full House together. Then the show cuts to a series of commercials … running shoes, Flo from Progressive, Cox Communications … and then this one:

As soon as it began playing, my daughter screamed in fear and pulled the throw blanket over her head. While I was frantically grabbing for the remote trying to find the stupid mute button. And then, at the next break, it all aired AGAIN! Which prompts me to ask you two questions:

  1. What the (BLEEP! See how easy censoring can be) were you thinking?!!?

  2. May I have your department head’s home number so that I may call him/her at 2am tonight when my daughter wakes up traumatized by the terrifying images she saw on your network?

Re: My Reply from You

Please do not ignore my email. I am posting this entire letter on my blog (http://olddognewtits.com) and am sure that everyone who reads it will want to hear your explanation just as much as I do.

Anxiously awaiting your reply,

Michele R. Poche

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Sometimes Even Grown-Ups Can Fall Prey to Peer Pressure

Posted on February 21, 2013 | 12 comments

So I’m in this “book group.” I use quotation marks because any book group that would allow me as a member probably deserves them. My friends are real readers. All of them. Looking down at me over their Kindles, Nooks and fancy, laminated library cards. The truth is … I struggle to make it through a People magazine. Which I realize is pretty pathetic. But I wasn’t always this way. I was a great reader as a kid. So, if your son or daughter is currently knocking it out of the park, bear in mind that he or she could still become a lazy sloth like me. Dare to dream, my friends.

Anyway … we haven’t actually read a book as a group in a while. I think I petered out somewhere around 50 Shades of Grey. Yes, I did read the first one in that trilogy. And only the first one. (Which should answer your next question.) Now, after a brief hiatus, my girls are back taking in literature again. And they want ME to do it, too. Sigh.

And so the texts began. The threatening, bullying, shaming texts. With scare tactics like “I’m telling your mom, the college English professor, that you won’t read.” Or comparing me to my brainy, English-majored brother. Uncool, guys. Un. Cool.

And then they really hit me below the belt.

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So, what are we (ahem …. they) reading?

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And it’s four-hundred-and-FIFTEEN pages! All of which I’m supposed to read by Wednesday. THIS Wednesday. And did I also mention that I’m currently reading A Separate Peace with my son for school? It’s a cool 204, by the way. Yep. I can already see it. I’m setting myself up for total disaster. Has anyone here read this book? Tell me why I need to devour it in a matter of days? Think I can do it?

Spoiler: I don’t.

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Ketchup With Us #12

Posted on February 15, 2013 | 8 comments

Ever notice how every two weeks … as we’re explaining how KWU works … Mel and I blather on and on about, threaten to mention the possibility of posting a video for the link-up? And yet, week after week, our lazy slack-asses never actually deliver on that promise, do we? DO WE?!!? Well, I’m tired of sitting on that magnificent throne of lies. So, I’m putting my ketchup where my mouth is (which ironically is where I always put it) as we give you our very first Ketchup With Us video prompt.

As you will see in the clip below, I just wanted a drink. Specifically something made with, duh, ketchup. The bartender was a great sport for putting up with our tomfoolery. I appreciate a little quirkiness in my barkeep … as well as in my drink. What about you?

I could take it or leave it as a FOOD.

But when put in a DRINK, I’ll order it every single time.

From the Pimm’s Cup at New Orleans’ Napoleon House to the Heat Cocktail at NYC’s Buddakan.

My thanks to the cucumber and creative mixologists everywhere who first took a chance on the little gourd.

Pimm’s Cup

  • 1/2-in. thick English cucumber wheel
  • 1/2-in. thick lemon wheel
  • 2 oz. Pimm’s No. 1
  • 4 oz. 7-Up, lemon-lime soda or ginger ale
  • lemon twist

Heat (a la Buddakan NYC)

  • Tequila
  • Cointreau
  • Cucumbers muddled with a chili paste

For a quick explanation of this link-up, click here. In short, Mel and I will post a picture or video (yes, we said VIDEO!) with a writing prompt on the 1st and 15th of every month. You can write your entry in any form. We love creativity. And, with each prompt, we’ll feature a writer from the previous link-up. Which reminds me …

Our esteemed Ketchup With Us Featured Writer for today is …

Tara

* * * * * * * * * *

The Rules of Play

  1. Submit your entry using the linky at the bottom of our KWU posts.
  2. Follow us on Facebook (Michele /Mel).
  3. Follow us on Twitter (Michele/Mel) & tweet us your entry using the hashtag #KetchupWithUs.

Grab our Button!

olddognewtits.com

‘KETCHUP WITH US’ – Prompt #12

In 57 words or less, tell us about the best drink you ever had. Recipes and pictures are encouraged.

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That’s It! I’M PULLING OUT THE STOPS!

Posted on February 13, 2013 | 6 comments

Remember Puss In Boots, everyone’s favorite rusty-colored, feline Don Juan from all the Shrek movies? I believe he first made an appearance in the second of the quadrilogy. And when he flashed those sad eyes … well, we and everyone else watching the movie were pretty much toast, weren’t we?

His puppy dog eyes (yes, I realize that’s ironic) get me every time.

And that gave me an idea.

I have an orange cat.

I have an orange cat with sweet eyes.

I have an orange cat with sweet eyes who would do anything for me.

Perfect!

Where’s that stupid cat? Milo. Miiiiiiiiiilllllllo. Here kitty, kitty, kitty …. Who’s a good kitty? Will you help mama? That’s a good boy. Just stand here and hold this little hat. That’s right. Take it with your paws. Okay, now I need you to stand there and look up at the cam— …… Owww! Stop!! No!! Ooooowwwww! Milo! Bad kitty! BAAAAAAD!! NO!!! What the HELL are you—??? …. OH, DEAR GOD!!! (fleeing room to grab crucifix and vial of holy water) ….

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Well, maybe he will scare you into voting for me. 

Because it’s the LAST DAY. Voting ends today at 6pm CST. And I absolutely swear the whole process takes only 5 seconds. Why do I care so much? Because if I place in the Top 25 Funny Moms, my blog gets pimped to 6 million new readers.

Yes, I said six MILLION.

That’s why I’ve been such a pain in the ass. And why I risked my life for you with Milo today.

So, please take five seconds for me today. And snatch the phones of everyone within arm’s length and do the same. My arms are now covered in cuts and scratches and I’m losing a lot of blood. I could really use your help.

* * * * * Got five seconds? * * * * *

Please click that FANCY PANTS PINK BALL (above) to visit the Circle of Moms site and vote for ODNT for Top 25 Funny Moms. I need this.  I’m headed to the hospital for a rabies shot.

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Don’t forget to vote for my other funny friends, too. AccordingToMags, HotMessMom and Sisterhood of the Sensible Moms. They’re hilarious ladies … and just good people, too.

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Voting ends at 6pm CST today! Thanks!

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A Guest Post With According to Mags: Give It Up

Posted on February 11, 2013 | 13 comments

Me: “YES! I’d love to do a guest post for you while you’re away. Any subject in particular or do I have free reign?”

Michele: “Free reign.”

SA-WEEET!  I couldn’t wait to get started!

But then, you know what happened? My mind went blank. What the HECK was I going to write about?   You guys have grown to expect Michele’s concise writing style, her meticulous grammar and her sarcastic humor.  No pressure. (gulp) I felt a little bit like I was back in my Catholic school days with Sr. Phyllis. She’d stand over me tapping her ruler on my desk as I practiced my cursive writing.  One wrong loop or connection of letters and Id get a WHACK right on the knuckles.  That was when it came to me.

This week coming up is going to be a busy. Today I have to buy Mags new tap shoes (she is growing like a weed) and vote for Michele, Tuesday is Fat Tuesday and I need to vote for Michele, Wednesday is the start of Lent and, of course, keep on voting for Michele until 4:00pm PST. Wait. Why is everyone staring at me with those ‘deer in the headlights’ looks? Oh, right! I know, the time zones always get me, too. Let me give you a quick explanation. That  means  you keep voting for Michele until 6:00pm NOLA time and if you’re further to the right on the map, 7:00pm EST.

Speaking of voting, I need some help. Seeing that the start of Lent is Wednesday, I’m supposed to give up something for 40 days. To me, Lent is the like the speed dating of New Year’s resolutions. People say “It’s only 40 days.” but so is the Circle of Moms voting window (well, almost). Turns out 40 days takes F-O-R-E-V-E-R! Nevertheless, this stumps me every year. I really do try give up something, but I end up over thinking it. Then, by the time I come up with the perfect thing, it’s usually already 20 days into Lent. Way to go, Mel!

So, since I’m with a fairly new crowd…I know, I know, lots of you follow me too…but I’m speaking to the guy in the back rockin’ the Barry Manilow t-shirt. I’ve never seen him before.  Anyway, while I’m here, I thought you guys could help me. What could Mel give up for Lent?

I should probably tell you a few things that I really enjoy to put on the “GIVE IT UP” discussion table.

1. Cadbury Mini Eggs. For those of you who don’t know me well, I’ll break this one down for you. Mel is to Cadbury Mini Eggs as Michele is to cheese platters. Think about it. Would you want to be around a cheese-less Michele? WELL, WOULD YOU?!?  For crying out loud, think of  the children!

2.  Coffee. This would be cruel of you to choose, but it’s only 40 days. I’ll be back to guest post again and find the people who voted for this one.

3. Procrastinating. Eh. Let’s get back to this one in a minute.

4. Beer.  I really look forward to all the new seasonal brews that come out. So, I’d whine about this one throughout the 40 days, but it would be doable. UNLIKE THE MINI EGGS.

5. Voting on Circle of Moms. Technically this ends at 7PM for me  (see above time zone explanation) on Wednesday, but it’s still DURING Lent. This one, I like.

You can just leave which one of these choices you think I should give up in the comments. Choose wisely.

After that, please take five seconds (literally) and hop on over to Circle of Moms and…you guessed it…VOTE.

I’ll even put an adorable picture in the post for ya. Awwww!

This is a picture of Michele and Mags

On a sidenote, yesterday, we got to meet up with my girl, Michele, and her boy (the most polite 13-year-old I’ve ever met) in Washington DC. ODNT and Mags finally met (although we REALLY missed ODNT Jr.)  and it was love at first sight. I’m pretty sure they schemed through the entire lunch. Michele introduced my children to Tic Tacs…I know, I know…what kind of mother am I? And at the end of the visit, Mags tried to climb into Michele’s bottomless purse. I would have, too. She kept pulling candy canes and little mints out of it.

Thanks Michele and Dean for meeting up with us.
It was the highlight of our weekend!

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Herve the Hamster’s Campaign Efforts for the Big Contest

Posted on February 10, 2013 | 2 comments

Herve the Hamster is doing his part for the Circle of Moms Top 25 Funny Moms campaign while ODNT and son visit our nation’s capital. He even hung a sign on his handcrafted 19th century Victorian dollhouse bachelor pad.

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“It’s SO easy!” he thinks, wishing he had the power of human speech.

1. Click here.

2. Scroll down to ODNT.

3. Click “VOTE.”

Still need convincing?

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“PLEEEEEEEEASE!!!!”

He’s blurry … but he’s sincere.

* * * * * Got five seconds? * * * * *

Please click that FANCY PANTS PINK BALL (above) to visit the Circle of Moms site and vote for ODNT for Top 25 Funny Moms.

I need this, people! I’m about to have Herve fitted for a sandwich board.

Vote daily ’til February 13. Thanks!

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That’s it. I’m turning VEGAN!

Posted on February 8, 2013 | 8 comments

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I sent this text to my friend, Mel today at 6:28pm.

Confused? I’m talking about the Circle of Moms Top 25 Mom contests. They have loads of ’em for every interest group. My category … ‘Funny’ … is just one of many. There’s Top 25 Fashion & Beauty Moms … Creative Moms … Couponing Moms … Political Moms … Outdoorsy Moms … Foodie Moms … Eco-Friendly Moms … Vegan & Vegetarian Moms …. etc.

That last group was running its contest in tandem with the Top 25 Funny Moms contest (ends 2/13/13). I don’t know if the ‘Vegan’ group started earlier than the ‘Funny’ group but they ended today. They are finished. Free. They no longer need to fret about their daily rankings. They no longer need to teach their grandmothers how to vote from their home computers. They no longer need to huckster themselves via Facebook, Twitter, Pinterest, Instagram, Ebay, Public Acccess TV, singing telegrams, morse code, carrier pigeon, skywriting, Burma-Shave signs, cat & hamster sandwich boards and whatever else their budgets can afford.

And, although the contest has been fun, I’ll admit I’m a little envious. Why couldn’t *I* have created a vegan blog? I hate meat. I mean … except for seafood and stuff. (Remember, I’m from Louisiana.) Do you think they would accept a cheese-and-crawfish-eating “vegetarian?” I’m not a big consumer of cow or pig anyway. So that just leaves birds. (in a pathetic display of rationalizing) If I promise to stop eating birds right now, can I join the vegan bloggers and end my days in competition?

Yeah. Mel thought I was a little nuts, too. So I guess I’ll just stick with ‘Funny.’ Or ‘Funny-ish.’ Sigh.

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But, Michele, how do we vote?

(1) Click here

(2) Scroll to ODNT

(3) click “VOTE”

P.S. You can vote for more than one funny mom. Might I recommend my friend, Mel at AccordingToMags?
P.P.S. In my Circle of Moms travels, I met Cindy who maintains a blog called  vegetarianmamma.com that placed 2nd in its category today. Visit her when you can & tell her ODNT said hi.

* * * * * Got five seconds? * * * * *

Please click that FANCY PANTS PINK BALL (above) to visit the Circle of Moms site and vote for ODNT for Top 25 Funny Moms.

I need this, people! I almost gave up cheese for votes!

vote daily ’til February 13. Thanks!

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The ODNT, Jr. “Vote for My Mom” Campaign (Part 3)

Posted on February 4, 2013 | 6 comments

Maybe it’s because it’s a big election year.

Maybe it’s because she loves me.

Or maybe it’s just because it provides yet another platform for her to showcase her two favorite little varmints.

In any event, my girl is determined to help me secure my position in the Circle of Moms Top 25 Funny Moms Contest. Previous campaign efforts include Herve in the Kitchen and Herve’s Crippling Food Issues. And now she’s back with a third creation, her latest pro-ODNT propaganda entitled “The Case of the Missing Hot Pocket.”

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Confused? Don’t be. It’s a pretty simple concept. She draws something funny, you laugh hysterically and then you think to yourself, “Gosh, what a funny blog! I wonder if there are any nice people out there who give awards for this kind of crazy stuff.” Well, wonder no more. The answer is yes. You can vote right here. Every day until February 13. And here’s how:

1. Click here.

2. Scroll down to ODNT.

3. Click “VOTE.”

Silver Circle – Vote daily AND pressure friends to do the same.

Gold Circle – Vote daily, pressure friends to do the same AND post on all social media.

Platinum Circle – Vote daily, pressure friends to do the same, post on all social media AND wear sandwich board whenever awake to help promote the cause.

You can vote for as many women as you like. I recommend AccordingToMags, HotMessMom and Sisterhood of the Sensible Moms … to name just a few. Take a minute and look around once you’re in. There’s a whole mess of funny at that party. Just remember to vote. So ODNT, Jr’s efforts aren’t all in vain. Thanks.

* * * * * Got five seconds? * * * * *

Please click that FANCY PANTS PINK BALL (above) to visit the Circle of Moms site and vote for ODNT for Top 25 Funny Moms.

I need this, people! Someone stole my Hot Pocket!

Vote daily ’til February 13. Thanks!

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You are Cordially Invited to the 2nd Annual #FootballForWomen Twitter Party

Posted on February 2, 2013 | 5 comments

Curtain up! Light the lights!
You’ve got nothing to hit but the heights!

(Noticing that all of your eyes just rolled in unison) What? I know that’s a theater reference. Duh, it’s from Gypsy. What am I … an idiot? (pregnant pause, as in third trimester) Well, actually, I kind of am. At least when it comes to football. But we’ll just keep that between us. That’s why I had a little fun last year on Superbowl Sunday while at a friend’s football viewing party by hosting my own private #FootballForWomen party on Twitter. Actually, it was how I first got to know my friend Mel that I’m always writing about here at ODNT. Plus a whole mess of other certifiably crazy delightfully funny people, too. It was a small group but we laughed our asses off that day.

So I’m doing it again … this time with Mel as my co-host! (‘Cause she’s way better at making those fancy napkin sculptures.)

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This  year, we rented extra chairs and I’m doubling our hot wings order. Plus, I heard Mel’s bringing a chocolate fountain. So we’re hoping to see lots of new faces at the party. Anyone and everyone is invited. Even the boys. It’s the one place you can be this Sunday where you can make fun of a player’s haircut or the way he puts his hand on his hip every time he stands on the sidelines.

So, like I said last February, “If you’re on Twitter and you’re sitting around Sunday confused … or bored … or just seeking a laugh between plays, look for us on #FootballForWomen. It’s sort of like #shitgirlssay, football-style. And don’t be afraid to put in your (Kick it through the thing!! Kick it through the thing!!) two cents.”

GOOOOOO, FOOTBALL GUYS!

* * * * * Got five seconds? * * * * *

Please click that FANCY PANTS PINK BALL (above) to visit the Circle of Moms site and vote for ODNT for Top 25 Funny Moms.

I need this, people! I just outed myself as a total football spaz.

vote daily ’til February 13. Thanks!

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Ketchup With Us #11

Posted on February 1, 2013 | 12 comments

Superbowl Schmuperbowl. Yeah, sure. It’s this weekend. It’s even here in New Orleans. But it’s not my Saints or my friend, Mel’s Patriots. Plus, we already covered it in KWU #10. So we’re moving right on to Valentine’s Day. But you know we hardly ever do things the regular way in Ketchup Country, right? (I really wanted to type Ketchup Kountry but it seemed so … Cracker Barrel.)

That’s why instead of hearing about your sweetheart, your soulmate, the love of your life … the one you’re proud to call your own … we want to hear about someTHING or someONE that you’re embarrassed you love.

Me? Gosh, my mind just raced with possibilities. Velveeta cheese? Poison perfume? A certain Miley Cyrus song? Sigh. I wish I were joking. The mind loves what it loves. And even though I know I shouldn’t, I just can’t seem to shake this one.

He wrote “Like a Good Neighbor, State Farm is there.”
He accompanied Bette Middler for years.
He himself sold over 80 million records worldwide.

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But it was his 1978 release that would forever burn itself in my memory. It will always belong only to my grandmother and me.

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He is music … and he writes the songs.

Still don’t believe me?

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Exhibit A: My keyring. It’s a memento from my last trip to Vegas in 2010.

For a quick explanation of this link-up, click here. In short, Mel and I will post a picture or video with a writing prompt on the 1st and 15th of every month. You can write your entry in any form. We love creativity. And, with each prompt, we’ll feature a writer from the previous link-up. Which reminds me …

Our esteemed Ketchup With Us Featured Writer for today is …

Lance

* * * * * * * * * *

The Rules of Play

  1. Submit your entry using the linky at the bottom of our KWU posts.
  2. Follow us on Facebook (Michele /Mel).
  3. Follow us on Twitter (Michele/Mel) & tweet us your entry using the hashtag #KetchupWithUs.

Grab our Button!

olddognewtits.com

‘KETCHUP WITH US’ – Prompt #11

In 57 words or less, tell us about something (or someone) that you’re embarrassed you love.

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* * * * * Got five seconds? * * * * *

Please click that FANCY PANTS PINK BALL (above) to visit the Circle of Moms site and vote for ODNT for Top 25 Funny Moms.

I need this, people! I just outed myself as a Fanilow.

vote daily ’til February 13. Thanks!

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a mom blog community!

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