Diamonds are a Girl’s Best Friend. Especially after the Dentist.


“Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde. One Flew Over the Cuckoo’s Nest. The Sun Also Rises. Some of our best literature was born from brains that weren’t operating on all cylinders. Or perhaps just on different, previously unexplored cylinders. Thanks to one chemical substance or another.”

– Me, but I wanted to set it aside like it was a quote by someone important

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I went to the dentist today. My mouth is still very numb. And yet also very sore. (How does that happen, by the way?) I stopped off at the store on the way home because I really wanted mashed potatoes. I also bought some new strawberry beer and, now that I’m looking through the bags, black beans and stewed tomatoes. (I blame the meds.) Anyway, I just ate the mashed potatoes. Being freshly made and somewhat lumpy, they weren’t easy to eat … and I’m pretty sure I just bit off a chunk of my inner cheek. (I wish I was kidding.)

As the pain began setting in, I reclined a while on the sofa. (I used “reclined” here because I’m tired and paranoid about accidentally inverting the past tenses of lay and lie in my stupor.) And then I decided to distract myself with a little writing until my kids got home. (Thanks, Mom & Virginia for bringing them home today.)

You might remember a post I wrote recently about creating a mix tape for Dave for this birthday. I created it in response to a writing prompt called Twisted Mix Tape hosted by Jen Kehl each week. This week’s prompt asks for a Greatest Hits tape. And guess where my anesthetized brain went? (Remember, it’s a little swishy right now.)

Let’s get right to it as I’m getting a little sleepy. If I were to create a Greatest Hits tape … and I mean right now as I type from the sofa with a confused head full of deadening pain medication … here’s what I would title that cassette:

Neil Diamond’s Greatest Hits

Because it’s one of the first songs I ever learned to play on the guitar.

Because it reminds me of watching The Jazz Singer with my family as a kid. I think it was my mom’s favorite song. And the fact that it mentions New Orleans doesn’t hurt either.

Because Dave’s impression of him singing this song specifically pretty much sealed the deal for me 19 years ago.

Because I remember my dad singing it when he brought me to see Neil in concert when I was a kid. (I also remember hearing Heartlight that same night. Notice it did NOT make the list.)

Because it might just be the best karaoke song ever written.

* * * * * BONUS TRACK * * * * *

Because of “TODAY!!!”

* * * * * * * * * *

Thanks for easing my tooth pain today, Neil. And spending all afternoon fixing my hair and talking to Javier, the giant purple giraffe, and me on the sofa. You’re the best!

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Ketchup With Us #25


Man, have I been hit by a lot of birthdays lately! As you might know, ODNT just celebrated her 2nd birthday. (Naturally, I forgot and wrote about it a week later.) Oh, and my friend, Derek? 40! And his wife, Ashley? Also, 40! (Yes, I just outed you two on national blogavision!) Who else? Who else? Oh, yeah. And Ketchup!!! Did you guys know that KetchupWithUs turns one today? Yes, that’s right. Mel and I have been making asses out of ourselves wearing full-body ketchup costumes in public for no pay for a whole year now! My mom is so proud. It’s a banner day here at ODNT!

I only wish we had more birthdays to celebrate around here. It’s too bad. Because it really feels like we need just one more, doesn’t it? Just one more birthday would make the place feel festive. I might even decorate. Or bake a cake. (I know, right? Me? Baking?) Oh, well. Guess we’ll just have to settle for celebrating ODNT, Derek, Ashley and Ketchup.

Oh, wait!!! Have I mentioned yet that TODAY IS MEL’S BIRTHDAY?!!? No, I don’t think I did. (wink) Just to mess with her. Out of playful spite. (To the birthday girl. You guys probably shouldn’t be reading this part.) You know I love you, my friend. And I can’t wait for the next time we get together. I’ve been practicing my Bitchy-Resting-DuckMouth.

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Hey, you guys! Go tell Mel Happy Birthday! Or Tweet, Facebook, Instagram and Pin her. And read her blog! It’s way better than mine … plus you might actually learn something while you’re there.


Now … onto to KetchupWithUs #25 …


June 10, 1977 – My parents took me to see Donny & Marie Osmond the day before my birthday. It’s all I wanted. I was so little. I wore a pretty, purple dress. And I truly believed I’d get to meet them that night. 

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Of course, I did make that little girl’s dreams come true a few decades later.

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For a QUICK EXPLANATION of this link-up, click here. In short, Mel and I will post a picture or video with a prompt on the 1st and 15th of every month. And, with each prompt, we’ll feature a linker from the previous KWU. Which reminds me …

Our esteemed Ketchup With Us Featured Writer for today is …

The Shitastrophy


RULES? WHO NEEDS ‘EM?!!?

The rules are … THERE ARE NO RULES! Just guidelines. And we’d be truly honored if you posted our button on your page and followed us on Facebook (Michele /Mel), Twitter (Michele/Mel), Instagram (Michele/Mel) and Pinterest (Michele/Mel).

GRAB OUR BUTTON!

olddognewtits.com


‘KETCHUP WITH US’ – Prompt 25

In 57 words or less, tell us about an incredible, disastrous or otherwise memorable birthday in your life.

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Happy 2nd Anniversary, ODNT! (Fine, I’m a Little Late. Kill Me.)


So, ODNT is two years old! Actually, ODNT was two years old last week. On August 22 to be exact. And shame on me for missing her birthday. Last year, I made a whole book about her first year and all of its high points. Typical new mom, right? Then, this year … nothing. I didn’t even remember to get a cake. A CAKE! (shaking head at my own senility  … stupidity … senility)

Seriously, it’s not like she’s 37. She’s TWO. (It’s the second number for crying out loud!) She’s not just walking, she’s running. And climbing. And speaking in full sentences. Granted sometimes she’s a little sassy … and you can’t always understand what she’s even saying. … But that’s not the point, is it? I really should have gotten her a tricycle or a play kitchen or something. Maybe if I just take her to Chuck E. Cheese, she’ll forgive me. They have a salad bar, right? Plus I love me some skee ball.

So, how ’bout this? While I sink my teeth into three-and-a-half slices a slice of cheese pizza and cannonball into the ball pit, you guys can take a stroll down ODNT Memory Lane (Vol. 2) and peruse the second chapter of her baby book. No, it’s not as pretty as last year but she can’t read for another two to three years so I’ve got time.


Please enjoy the Top 10 ODNT Posts, Year Two

The Day Things Got Hairy in Disney World – In Pictures!

Goodbye, 3850 Red Cypress Drive. And thank you.

Congratulations to My Son on His Graduation Day

What Happens at the Million MILF March stays … well, actually, I’m spilling it all right here!

Things to Do in an Extended Power Outage (From the ODNT Smartass Collection)

What Do I Have to Do to Get You in a Pair of #MonsterInspiration Headphones Today?

Kids Are Soft Today … and Here Are Some of the Reasons Why (EXTREME MAKEOVER EDITION)

Ten Things That Are Now 50 Years Old

With Hamsters Like Herve, Who Needs Coffee?

The Grievance Letter I Just HAD to Write at 11:24pm Tonight


It’s been another great year around here. And we’ve got lots of new friends to testify to that. Here’s hoping year three is just as chock full of embarrassing and humiliating moments as this one. They make for incredible blog fodder. And isn’t that what life is all about?

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The 7 Things I Envy About My Mother


Athleticism. We all know I have none. I’ve never scored a home run or a turkey or anything like that in my life. But she has. I guess that’s where Vivien gets it from.

Self-discipline. She eats anything she wants, always in moderation, and manages to stay slim. I’ve watched her break a Nutter Butter in half and wrap up the remaining portion for later. While I slug back five. With chocolate milk. And extra peanut butter slathered on top.

Talent. Alright, fine. I have some of my own. But I’m talking about piano here. Like her own mother and grandmother, she plays circles around me. And always will.

Spirituality. Yes, I have my beliefs. But I’m just not as firmly rooted in them as she is. And sometimes I think that blind faith would offer a pretty amazing comfort in my life.

Career. Even after becoming a mother, she never stopped working. I chose to quit. No regrets. But I have so much respect for the fact that she did everything I’ve done all these years while also holding down a job at the same time.

Drive. Whatever she wants to do, she does it. Even if she can only take a baby step each day to get there. She will always reach her finish line. Always.

Mentorship. She’s been a teacher her whole life. For everything from English, Literature, French, Fine Arts and Music. I’ve even seen her teach Latin to my son, although she never actually took the class herself. Some people just have that innate ability. And she is one of them.

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I love you, Mom

* * * * * * * * * *

This post was written in response to two writing prompts. (Go, me.) The first is from MamaKat who asks us to list 7 qualities your mother has that you wish you had, too. And the second is from TrifectaWriting who asks us to write something in 333 words or less using the following word & definition : turkey – three successive strikes in bowling.

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It’s been eight years. And I’m still not finished saying thank you.


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If you’ll indulge me just a moment, I want to take this opportunity to say thank you for the many random acts of kindness experienced by my family starting August 29, 2005 and lasting until we were back on our own eight feet again. Most of these people did much more than what I’m mentioning here but we’d be here another eight years if I listed every single kindness.


Thanks, Residence Inn, for opening your bar to everybody. And for the Frito pie. Without it, I would have eaten nothing that day.

Thanks, Houston Children’s Museum, for letting my kids pass a stress-free afternoon on you.

Thanks, Molly, for not only giving us your home for nine months, but for making the acquisition of a new nebulizer for then-respiratorily-challenged Vivien an immediate priority.

Thanks, Dr. I-Forgot-Your-Name, for hearing our family’s story and making my son’s pneumonia crisis at Halloween your personal problem to solve.

Thanks, Tom, for understanding that Dave needed a car. And getting him one.

Thanks, Mom, for taking a job in Baton Rouge and helping literally to sponsor Dean’s entire kindergarten experience.

Thanks, teacher at my son’s school, for giving my kids more books than we had before the hurricane.

Thanks, Wedding Crashers, for being the first thing Dave and I did for ourselves (at my parents’ urging) in the midst of the chaos. It was the only time I laughed during those first few weeks. And it was for a straight 128 minutes.

Thanks, Dad, for hugging me the time I cried uncontrollably in the middle of the night.

Thanks, Chris & Georgia, for waiting in that long, hot line for Food Stamps. And then turning around and handing them to us.

Thanks, Caterie (the hole in the wall where Dave and I met), for comping our dinner after you learned where we came from.

Thanks, Kenny and Kara, for driving down from Atlanta, suiting up in trash clothes and braving our flooded property to retrieve an armload of belongings.

Thanks, Runnels School, for providing my boy the best Kindergarten away from home that he could have possibly had.

Thanks, JT, for immediately offering to share your locker with my nervous child when there weren’t enough for the new kindergartner who suddenly found himself enrolled in your school.

Thanks, Jeff, for all the clothes, toys and other goodies that you couldn’t stop yourself from purchasing for the kids.

Thanks, Mickey, for picking up the reigns and hosting holiday after holiday when no one else could.

Thanks, Amy and David, for arranging for Vivien to attend St. John’s Pre-School. And then paying her tuition.

Thanks, Architecture firm in Arizona, for helping us to purchase a new piano, amongst other things.

Thanks, old Lakeview friends, for helping us celebrate Dean’s 6th birthday at a park shelter in Baton Rouge.

Thanks, Mound City Elementary School in Missouri, for literally adopting my family. (I still have your school newspaper from when you announced the project.)

Thanks, Elise, for opening the back of your boutique to me to just go shopping.

Thanks, Troy, for the video camera to help us capture all of our new (post-Katrina) memories.

Thanks, anonymous family, who sent us money.

Thanks, Keri & Cheston, for sending box after box of stuff to share with another family.

Thanks, Lisa, for the Target shopping spree.

Thanks, Little Church on Jefferson Highway, who gave me groceries for several weeks.

Thanks, Whitney & Ricky, who showed up in our borrowed driveway with bikes for my kids.

Thanks, Red Cross, who bandaged my bleeding hand when I mangled it sifting it through my flooded house.

Thanks, Church Group from Somewhere in America, who gutted my Lakeview home for free.

* * * * * * * * * *

And thanks to the countless others who sent gifts or money, grabbed a check, watched my children, fed my family or just held my hand during that difficult period. Your kindness will never be forgotten. And I will spend the rest of my life trying to pay it back and, even more importantly, to pay it forward.

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Product Reviews – You Win Some, You Lose (Your Lunch Over) Some


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As many of you already know, Mel and I just finished one of our most entertaining product promotions to date. We each got to test drive a pair of state-of-the-art noise cancellation headphones manufactured by Monster Products. The product was superior, our contacts professional and you guys … well, what can I say? We really had some fun with this one, didn’t we?

But they can’t all be this easy, right?

Of course, right.

For those of you who don’t know, I have a personal policy whereby I will not write a negative review. It’s not in my nature. (FYI, I’m only talking about when someone asks me to test their product. If I try it independently and hate it … well, then you’re on your own.) Typically, when a contracted product sampling goes wrong, I write the company and share my findings. Kindly and gently. I apologize for my negative opinion and offer to terminate our arrangement. The company is usually appreciative of my offer and we go our separate ways. End of story.

Moving on …

So I came home from Chicago last month with a elephantine quantity of products samples and other swag. I had so many goodies in my purposefully-only-half–full-on-the-trip-up suitcase that SouthWest (yes, I’m naming names) said I had to remove 7 pounds of it or I would be charged a $75 penalty. I’d planned for this moment. I reached into my suitcase and pulled out my bag of C-list items (heavy and not very valuable) and plopped it onto the counter. “Merry Christmas,” I mumbled to the ticket agent and walked off toward security.

When I got home, I shoved all of the swag bags over into the corner of my bedroom. They’d have to wait until my kids were back in school. Which is now.

Let the product testing begin! (Did you hear the gong?)

For whatever reason, I started with protein powder. I have no idea why. I guess I was feeling hungry. Or anemic. And I didn’t feel like eating anything with gluten, dairy and soy. (Yes. Of course, I’m kidding.) So I reached for my envelope of protein powder. And I’m not listing the product name here. You’ll see why in a minute. (To all of my friends who attended the conference with me, you know what it is. Let’s not out these poor folks on the internet. Chuckle to yourselves, please.)

Here’s how it went.

It took great concentration to swallow the contents of my glass. Then, I immediately began texting a few friends and family members about the whole unsavory experience.

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The clip I was referencing in my text to Dave was this one. It’s a family favorite. And, in this example, Newman = me.

Unfortunately, the real kicker here is that they’re giving away a trip to a resort destination in Florida to one lucky reviewer. And they’re even throwing in a spa credit. A SPA CREDIT!!! Damn my stupid taste buds. This one really hurts.

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Think I could still win with a BAD review?

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I Don't Like Mondays Blog Hop

What do I have to do to get you in a pair of #MonsterInspiration headphones today?


Picture it. A Bacchanalian afterparty. Two women, stunningly outfitted in White Cloud toilet paper hats, both still giddy about being selected to interview the glamorously hilarious Wendi-McLendon Covey of Bridesmaids.

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Hell, yeah, I’m bragging. Wouldn’t you?!!?

And then it got even better. Thanks to Monster Products. They were there exhibiting their newest headphone model – Monster Inspiration. Color me excited. Way excited. Mel and I wasted no time trying them on and testing them out right there in the middle of the raucous event. What better place to test their noise cancellation abilities, right? Of course right.

“What song do you want to hear?” the friendly Monster rep asked me. “Um … “ I mumble, scrolling through her many selections, “How about this one?”

“You don’t have to be rich to be my girl …. you don’t have to be cool to rule my world … Ain’t no particular sign I’m more compatible with … I just want your extra time and your ….. Kiss.”

I felt like Julia Roberts in her famously cute hot tub scene in Pretty Woman. Except all I had to do for the headphones is write this review. Which, honestly, writes itself. After all, these things are the Cadillac of musical headgear. Especially considering I’ve been slumming it with ear buds all these years. (Who knew?) We were truly so impressed with their sound as well as their durability. When I say they’re exactly what you look for in a quality headphone, I’m not exaggerating. Not one bit. (Note to readers: I will never misrepresent myself on this blog. You have my word on that one. In fact, I just turned down an incredible review opportunity last week because I was displeased with their product. And that’s all I’m saying.)

Oh, and they invited us to take pictures with them. Lots of pictures. And then share them on our many platforms of social media. (insert pause to pretend I’m shy) “Well … okay. If that’s what you really want, Monster Products. I’ll do it. But only because you asked so nicely.”

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I know what you’re thinking. There’s a word for girls like me. And I like to think it’s …. savvy. (Although I would also have accepted cheese-loving.)

I texted Dave one of my pictures and then broke the news. He was over the moon. It’s not easy to get this man over the moon, you guys.

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We cradled them as though they were babies, delivered them to our hotel room and played with them for the rest of the trip. We absolutely hated having to put them away for our flights home.

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And of course, once I actually got here, everyone took a turn checking them out.

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To borrow from my girl Julia Roberts again … Big thumbs up, Monster Inspiration. Big. HUGE. From everyone in this house. And that boy in the top right corner who owns a pair of your biggest competitors … well, he was pretty freakin’ jealous of impressed with his mom. Thanks for giving me the props. Not only do they enrich my music experience, but they also up my dwindling coolness quotient. It’s a scientific fact. I even conducted an experiment with them right here on ODNT.


Want to win your very own Monster Headphones? Well, of course you do!

Mel and I are EACH giving away a pair of Monster NTune Candy headphones. Perfect for Back-to-School, Back-to-Work or even Back-the-Hell-Off-This-is-My-Me-Time!

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They come in an assortment of bright, bold colors. With a flexible headband, they’ll stand up in any backpack, suitcase, briefcase or fanny pack. (That’s how cool they are. You can wear a fanny pack and still look awesome!) Plus, the quality of the Monster sound is unparalleled. It’s no wonder this line is called NCredible. Just click the Rafflecopter link below by August 23rd. There are lots of ways to enter. You’ll see. Good luck!

Click here to enter the Monster Headphones Giveaway.


But that’s not all!

YOU:  But, Michele, you don’t seriously expect me to wait to see if I win the headphones, do you? DO YOU? I want my own pair. I want my own pair of Monster headphones NOW!!!

ME:  Geez. Calm down there, Veruca. I’ve got great news for you, too. But you have to act by the end of the month. Check the box below. Can you do that? CAN YOU? 

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Monster Inspiration Headphones – The Coolness Test


Mel and I scored big at the recent BlogHer conference in Chicago. The swag there flows from the Expo Hall like a river and we walked out … literally … with more than we could carry. (Chicago’s homeless and Midway Airport staffers profited from our bounty as well.) One of the most exciting “samples” we each managed to bring home are Monster Inspiration noise cancellation headphones.

No, YOU shut up!

And we’ll be reviewing them here for you soon. So, there have been lots and lots (and LOTS!) of selfies taken with our new toys. And they made me realize that maybe, just maybe, these things can take a few years off me and make me look cool again.

But let’s test that theory, shall we?

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Just how cool will Monster headphones make me?

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What if I add, say, a retainer to the equation? Does that ruin it? (pause to study picture) Nope. Still cool.

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Fine. What about a retainer AND glasses? Nope. I still look totally awesome.

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Okay. Retainer, glasses, purple pillow pet. Geez! These things are like MAGIC! I’ve never looked more amazing.

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I am now pulling out the stops, my friends! Retainer, glasses, purple pillow pet and pigtails. What? Seriously? I am still Pinky freakin’ Tuscadero.

* * * * * * * * * *

And YOU could be Pinky Tuscadero, too. All you hafta do is read our reviews and pick up a pair … or put them on your Christmas list. What? You don’t know who Pinky Tuscadero is?? Fine. Just shorten the name to Pink. Same thing.

Stay tuned for the Monster Inspiration review coming soon!

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Ketchup With Us #24


If at first you don’t succeed … try, try again. Then quit. There’s no point in being a damn fool about it. – W.C. Fields

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It’s Back to School season so we’re talking about first days today. All kinds. For everything we do, there’s always a first day. And we want to hear about one of yours. It can be anything you want … from first day at band camp to first day as a licensed phlebotomist to first day on a grapefruit diet. And Hey! As a special testament to firsts, why don’t you see if you can recruit just one linker who will be playing Ketchup for the first time?

(Oh, and for the first time, I will be ignoring our 57 words or less suggestion. My boy deserves more.)

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Kindergarten. It’s a hard enough transition for a little person. And Dean had to do it twice. On August 18, 2005, he walked into his first real classroom to meet his friendly teacher, Paula Naquin. He attended school there for only 7 days. Then, on September 6, 2005, he had to do it all over again at another school, 80 miles away from the original one and not knowing a single soul. Thanks to that storm we’re all so tired of talking about here in New Orleans.

I’m still so proud of his courage. I was an emotional mess. Until his new teacher walked up, all warm and fuzzy, to welcome her new student who had just floated in from New Orleans. “Hi, Dean,” she said, literally outstretching her arms to him. “My name is Paula Naquin.” My teary eyes bulged out of their sockets and my mouth fell open when I heard her words. His new teacher had the exact same name as his original one??? I took that as a sign from the universe that everything was going to be just fine.

And now, as I sit and reflect upon these significant first days in his life, I hope for him the same courage and strength that he managed so beautifully at age 5. For today is yet another first day for him. Today, he starts high school, a whole new chapter in his life. And again, I know everything is going to be just fine. But, just as I was in his new classroom in 2005, I am an emotional mess all over again.

Perhaps I should check his high school faculty roster for a P. Naquin.

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Good luck, Dean.

I know you’re going to knock it out of the park, my boy.

* * * * * * * * * *

For a QUICK EXPLANATION of this link-up, click here. In short, Mel and I will post a picture or video with a prompt on the 1st and 15th of every month. And, with each prompt, we’ll feature a linker from the previous KWU. Which reminds me …

Our esteemed Ketchup With Us Featured Writer for today is …

My Skewed View by Jen Kehl


RULES? WHO NEEDS ‘EM?!!?

The rules are … THERE ARE NO RULES! Just guidelines. And we’d be truly honored if you posted our button on your page and followed us on Facebook (Michele /Mel) and Twitter (Michele/Mel).

GRAB OUR BUTTON!

olddognewtits.com


‘KETCHUP WITH US’ – Prompt 24

In 57 words or less, tell us about a significant first day in your life … of school, work, parenthood, rehab, veganism, prison, whatever you want.

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The Back to School ABCs. Or Blues. Whatever.


re·run \ˈrē-ˌrən\

the act or action or an instance of rerunning, repetition; especially : a movie or television show that is rerun

Well, no. Technically, we are neither a movie nor a television show. Ooh, but we so SHOULD be, huh? That would be awesome. I might go make a few calls. Maybe to Spielberg … or Scorcese. And we’ll need a screen writer! And a musical composer! AND A KEY GRIP! And … and …. But wait, I’m in the middle of writing a blog post. Damn.
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I’m pretty bogged down today. Not only does my boy, my oldest, start high school (yes, I said HIGH SCHOOL) this Friday, but I’ve also got a sick little girl. And it’s only her fourth day of school. Here’s hoping she gets better very soon and doesn’t germ up her brother who I fear now can’t miss a day of school for the next five years. (Explanation: High school often starts in 8th grade in my weird corner of the world, the land of drive-thru daiquiri shops where we call counties “parishes” and inspection stickers “brake tags.”)
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And if I’m not sad enough with this change, I am now also stressed about how much I have left to do. And no time to do it. So we’re rerunning an old ODNT “episode” today. It seems only fitting. Last year, I wrote a post called the Back to School ABCs. (I’m actually kinda proud of this one. Please click it.) And then I gave it an extreme makeover for a little contest and won a thousand dollars with it.
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Anyway, I think that it bares repeating. Because it’s that time of year again. And because, well, I’m a little blue today. And who among us can’t use a laugh? (Please tell me it made you laugh.)
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I have to go. The cat just puked. Four times.
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