FACT: See that personal touch in the bottom right corner where I personally signed and dated every one of my Christmas cards? Truth? It was an accident. When at Walgreen’s, be sure to hit “Save & Finish” (or whatever the heck it was) as your last step. Or you’ll be left with scads of anonymous holiday greetings.
It’s that time of year again. It’s the magical time when we find ourselves surrounded by all things Christmas … from twinkling, decorated fir trees and nutmeg-dusted eggnog to timeless holiday carols and, of course, loads and loads of Elf-on-the-Shelf-bashing articles and posts written by tired, desperate parents everywhere.
But it doesn’t have to be that way!
To the many parents around the world who are frustrated with being outdone by the 1% of the population going the ridiculous extra mile with their Christmas minions … I get it. I don’t have time to clean up marshmallows all over the house or switch family members’ closets in the middle of the night either. Which is why I came up with a solution. Because, by the time my kids are in bed at night, I’m ready to drop dead from exhaustion and the LAST thing I want to do is create elaborate messes for myself. I’ve got cookies to bake, bills to pay, presents to wrap, legs to shave, etc. etc. etc.
Eureka!
Who was the first idiot mom to decide these little suckers had to be mischievous? Aren’t elves supposed to be helpful? Don’t they work 24/7/364 making toys for Santa to deliver to children all over the world? And didn’t they help the shoemaker catch up on all his back orders in the dead of night? Seriously? What do Santa and the old cobbler have that you and I don’t?
Absolutely nothing.
Which is why my family decided to “hire” a helpful elf for our home a few years back. And, since that time, Herme has saved my butt on more than one occasion. Truly (and what other parent have you ever heard say this?) our elf is a treasure.
Our elf just seems to remember everything. And he knows this house like the back of his tiny, red, fingerless hand. He knows when light bulbs are burned out, batteries need replacing and the cat box needs changing. And he has mad skills in baking, gift wrapping, housecleaning … you name it. Honestly, I don’t know what we’d do without him.
So if you’re tired of cleaning up powdered sugar snow angels and undo-ing little pranks and other shenanigans, I’d recommend hiring a new helpful elf. Seriously, these little fellas make the best brownies I’ve ever tasted.
Of course, sometimes we just give him the day off to hang out in the diorama having snacks with his friends.
Even elves need a little me time.
Two years ago, I wrote a post called ‘Twas the Night Before Christmas (Mystery Science 3000-style). Last year, I followed up that post with a new one called ‘Twas the Night Before Christmas – Take TWO! Can I find enough material to revisit this classic Clement Moore poem a THIRD time? I’ll let you be the judge.
‘Twas the night before Christmas
When all through the house
Not a creature was stirring
Not even a mouse
The stockings were hung
By the chimney with care
In hopes that St. Nicholas
Soon would be there
The children were nestled
All snug in their beds
While visions of sugar plums
Danced in their heads
And mama in her kerchief
And I in my cap
Had just settled our brains
For a long winter’s nap
When out on the lawn
There arose such a clatter
I sprang from my bed
To see what was the matter
Away to the window
I flew like a flash
Tore open the shudders
And threw up the sash
The moon on the breast
Of the new-fallen snow
Gave the luster of midday
To objects below
When what to my wondering
Eyes should appear
But a miniature sleigh
And eight tiny reindeer
With a little old driver
So lively and quick
I knew in a moment
It must be St. Nick
More rapid than eagles
His coursers they came
And he whistled and shouted
And called them by name
Now Dasher, Now Dancer
Now Prancer and Vixen
On Comet, On Cupid
On Donner and Blitzen
To the top of the porch
To the top of the wall
Now dash away, dash away
Dash away all
As dry leaves that before
The wild hurricane fly
When they meet with an obstacle
Mount to the sky
So up to the housetop
The coursers they flew
With a sleigh full of toys
And St. Nicholas, too
And then in a twinkling
I heard on the roof
The prancing and pawing
Of each little hoof
As I drew in my head
And was turning around
Down the chimney St. Nicholas
Came with a bound
He was dressed all in fur
From his head to his foot
And his clothes were all tarnished
With ashes and soot
A bundle of toys
He had flung on his back
And he looked like a peddler
Just opening his pack
His eyes how they twinkled
His dimples how merry
His cheeks were like roses
His nose like a cherry
His droll little mouth
Was drawn up like a bow
And the beard of his chin
Was as white as the snow
The stump of his pipe
He held tight in his teeth
And the smoke, it encircled his head
Like a wreath
He had a broad face
And a round little belly
That shook when he laughed
Like a bowl full of jelly
He was chubby and plump
A right jolly, old elf
And I laughed when I saw him
In spite of myself
A wink of his eye
And a twist of his head
Soon gave me to know
I had nothing to dread
He spoke not a word
But went straight to his work
And filled all the stockings
Then turned with a jerk
And laying his finger
Aside of his nose
And giving a nod
Up the chimney he rose
He sprang to his sleigh
To his team gave a whistle
And away they all flew
Like the down of a thistle
Then I heard him exclaim
As he drove out of sight
Happy Christmas to all
And to all a good night
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Tagged 'Twas the Night before Christmas, clement moore, Is santa chinese, is santa deaf, is santa gay, johnny depp in a santa hat, mystery science 3000, take 3, urban turban, vixen and blitzen don't rhyme, what is a sugar plum, why do they say happy christmas in twas the night before christmas, why does santa enter through the chimney, why isn't rudolph in twas the night before christmas
A couple of years ago, I wrote a post called ODNT’s Answer to The 12 Days of Christmas. It’s like a TV Reunion Special where all the characters sit around on a couch and reminisce about some of their funniest and most heartwarming memories together. This post is just like that. Except without the harp music and fancy camera tricks to indicate a flashback OR the big name celebrities like Scott Baio, Bob Saget and Alf OR, you know, the couch. But you get the idea, right?
(turning to my talented, imaginary accompanist) Can I get a B flat, please? (sound of piano keys) Here goes nothing.
On the first day of Christmas, my true love gave to me a website called ODNT.
On the second day of Christmas, my true love gave to me two darling children and a website called ODNT.
On the third day of Christmas, my true love gave to me three jobs in one, two darling children and a website called ODNT.
On the fourth day of Christmas, my true love gave to me four foot thong slogans, three jobs in one, two darling children and a website called ODNT.
On the fifth day of Christmas, my true love gave to me five geek selfies, four foot thong slogans, three jobs in one, two darling children and a website called ODNT.
On the sixth day of Christmas, my true love gave to me six posts on Greenland, five geek selfies, four foot thong slogans, three jobs in one, two darling children and a website called ODNT.
On the seventh day of Christmas, my true love gave to me seven hack-my-blog threats, six posts on Greenland, five geek selfies, four foot thong slogans, three jobs in one, two darling children and a website called ODNT.
On the eighth day of Christmas, my true love gave to me eight first day pictures, seven hack-my-blog threats, six posts on Greenland, five geek selfies, four foot thong slogans, three jobs in one, two darling children and a website called ODNT.
On the ninth day of Christmas, my true love gave to me nine Depp-shared 50s, eight first day pictures, seven hack-my-blog threats, six posts on Greenland, five geek selfies, four foot thong slogans, three jobs in one, two darling children and a website called ODNT.
On the tenth day of Christmas, my true love gave to me ten posts on toasters, nine Depp-shared 50s, eight first day pictures, seven hack-my-blog threats, six posts on Greenland, five geek selfies, four foot thong slogans, three jobs in one, two darling children and a website called ODNT.
On the eleventh day of Christmas, my true love gave to me eleven overschedulings, ten posts on toasters, nine Depp-shared 50s, eight first day pictures, seven hack-my-blog threats, six posts on Greenland, five geek selfies, four foot thong slogans, three jobs in one, two darling children and a website called ODNT.
On the twelfth day of Christmas, my true love gave to me twelve childhood home pics, eleven overschedulings, ten posts on toasters, nine Depp-shared 50s, eight first day pictures, seven hack-my-blog threats, six posts on Greenland, five geek selfies, four foot thong slogans, three jobs in one, two darling children …
and a website called ODNT.
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Dear Friends,
It’s the season of giving and Mel and I want to do just that. For this link-up, there will be no special assignments, no requests for pictures or videos, no 57 word jingles about your most inspiring elementary school teacher. All we’re asking for this year is a holiday post, past or present, of your choosing. And perhaps a little help spreading the word to bring in a new linker or two.
Mel and I have a very special place in our hearts for Ketchup and we hate to see it go. So we might be changing the format a little in the hopes of breathing new life into it. Ideas are always welcome!
Merry Kwanukkah, everyone.
Michele & Mel
For a QUICK EXPLANATION of this link-up, click here. In short, Mel and I will post a picture or video with a prompt on the 1st and 15th of every month. And, with each prompt, we’ll feature a linker from the previous KWU. Which reminds me …
Our esteemed Ketchup With Us Featured Writer for today is …
The rules are … THERE ARE NO RULES! Just guidelines. And we’d be truly honored if you posted our button on your page and followed us on Facebook (Michele /Mel), Twitter (Michele/Mel), Instagram (Michele/Mel) and Pinterest (Michele/Mel).
Please link up a holiday post, old or new. Piece of cake. But not fruitcake. That stuff blows.
Just joining us for the Hamilton Beach Toaster Chronicles? For it all to make sense, you have to first read these posts:
First things first. With two identical toasters in the house, I thought it crucial that I irrefutably identify the culprit …
… and give him one last crack at his job. (A final cigarette seemed so redundant.)
He did not disappoint. (This photo was taken outside where the smoke forced us to flee.)
In a recent beauty poll, 88% of women said they wished they had longer, fuller eyelashes.
Okay, fine. You’ve got me. There is actually no statistic for how many women wish they had longer, fuller lashes. I lied. But I’m a woman with a lot of friends. All of whom either wish theirs were longer (the majority of us) or are very proud of their already very well-endowed eyes (insert ugly word for these lucky freaks of nature here).
Over the years, I’ve tried all kinds of mascaras, curling wands, brushes, false eyelashes, snake oily quick-fixes and even some crazy fiber garbage that somehow is supposed to grab onto your existing lashes to lengthen and thicken them. (I ordered it from QVC. It was late. Don’t judge.) But nothing gave me the result I wanted. I wanted effective, I wanted safe, and, most of all, I wanted EASY. So when Fysiko asked me to test out their eyelash serum, I remember thinking “Sure. Why not? As long as it doesn’t cost me anything … or make me grow a tail … I’m in.”
Oh, but I just KNEW it wouldn’t work.
Before I go on, please allow me to teach you everything I know about the eyelash growth cycle: It lasts about 4 months (16 weeks). End of lesson. That said, it takes up to 8 weeks to see your first results and 16 weeks to see your full results with Fysiko. Case in point …
August 2013 – Here I am at the beginning of the experiment. My sparsely-lashed eyes resemble those a child draws to depict a little boy. (My apologies for springing this gender-confusing, horrific image on you so suddenly.)
October 2013 – Flash forward two months. I was hanging with a few friends when one of them unexpectedly leaned in, took a good look at me and said, “Are your eyelashes longer???” I hadn’t told anyone I was guinea-pigging for Fysiko. “Yes,” I replied coyly, fluttering my newly-augmented lashes.
December 2013 – Flash forward to the present. As you can see, these things are so long that I now actually need a brush to tame and manage them which, sadly, I neglected to do prior to this photograph.
The bottom line is … Fysiko works. It’s made from all natural ingredients. And it’s SUPER easy. Just swipe the brush once along your upper lash line at bedtime every night for 16 weeks. At the 16 week mark, you only need to do it two or three times a week to maintain your results.
And, for the record, I’ve been using the same bottle for 4 months now and it still feels like it’s completely full. The packaging says it contains a 6-8 month supply, but I honestly think it’ll go longer. Of course, I was lucky because, as a product tester, I received my bottle free of charge. It sells for $139 which, if broken into 8 months (I still say it’ll last longer), is only about $17 per month. But I’m not pushing anyone to buy it. I’m just telling you about the impressive results I saw with my experience. Especially because I went into it as a big, fat, eyelashless naysayer.
For more information about Fysiko, visit their website and their Facebook page.
Posted in Uncategorized
Tagged before and after pictures, eyelash growth serum, fysiko, product review
Just joining us for the Hamilton Beach Toaster Chronicles? Get up to speed by first reading these posts:
Welcome, ladies and gentlemen, to the main event of the night … the 2013 Great American Toast-Off.
ON THE LEFT … weighing in at 3.1 pounds, hailing from the Hamilton Beach Warranty/Recall Center in Olive Branch, Mississippi … please welcome the NEWCOMERRRRRRRR!
ON THE RIGHT … weighing in at 3.4 pounds, hailing from the shelf of a dirty Kmart in Metairie, Louisiana and leaving a trail of burned pastry in his infamous wake … please welcome the FIRRRRRRRE STARTERRRRRRR!
Okay, gentlemen, we want a clean fight. You’ll each be given 5 slices of bread upon which you’ll be expected to perform your duties using each of your five settings. Your performance will be timed and photographed on each of these settings. You cannot hit below the belt, hold, trip, kick, headbutt, wrestle, bite, spit on, or push your opponent. Remember to protect yourself at all times. Okay, touch gloves and come out at the bell!
I should add that, BECAUSE I WAS FORCED TO HOLD THE SMOKING TOASTER OUT OF OF THE WINDOW for setting #4, I opted to test setting number #5 outdoors … using an external, grounded, weatherproof outlet on my back deck.
It was a wise decision.Ladies and gentlemen, I think we have a winner! (sounds of more dinging bells and a raucous audience)
And now I must go. I have a murder to premeditate.
(Trust me. This makes A LOT more sense if you’ve been following along since the beginning.)
Just joining us for the Hamilton Beach Toaster Chronicles? Get up to speed by first reading these postst:
And it comes with TWO important responsibilities!!
1. Test the snot out of Toaster #2.
2. KILL TOASTER #1!!!
Okay. (deep breaths) I’m going to need some bread, bagels, waffles, Kellogg’s Limited Edition Frosted Pumpkin Pie Pop-Tarts, a sharp knife, a couple of blindfolds, a small kitchen garbage bag and a shovel. And possibly a priest or a therapist after I’m done. Ooh, and a Diet Coke.
.
.
ENTER THE MINIONS!
The world had never seen a more likable, disease-free and non-orange (’cause they’re yellow) group of underlings.
To celebrate the DVD and Blu-ray release of Despicable Me 2, Universal Studios and Hostess are running a fun campaign right now called “Dress Up A Twinkie Like A Minion.” (Details below.)
CALLING ALL EPICUREAN ZEALOTS! FOOD ARTISTS! MINION LOVERS!
1. Download accessories to Minion-ize your Twinkie:
https://www.facebook.com/Hostess
https://www.Facebook.com/Hostess/app_17062156313417
2. Create your “Twinion.” (I know. That one bites. I’ll keep thinking.)
3. Upload a picture of your “Minkie” (sigh) and you could win a daily prize (Despicable Me 2 Blu-ray or a special offer from Hostess) or even the Grand Prize (a home theater system, a collection of 30 Blu-rays and a year’s supply of Hostess treats). The contest ends 1/5/14.
Seriously? They had me at Twinkie. (wipes drool) Fine. You know what? I’ll give it a go. How about … a Minion Family Christmas card? You know, with some of the goofy characters we already have here at the house.
Big props (HUGE!) to my friend, Mel at AccordingToMags.com, for literally carrying me through this project. Thanks, Mel.
Just writing about the daily dumbassery of life. The good, the bad and the so-utterly-mundane-that-you'd-think-I-wouldn't-even-bother-to-write-about-it.
OldDogNewTits 